I Can't Not Love You

[Jack]

As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning, I immediately regretted it. I had forgotten that I fell asleep in the back lounge. Bright light was shining into the room and it made my head throb with pain. Fuck, how much did I drink last night? I froze when I remembered that Alex was asleep on top of me. That would explain why I felt so warm – Alex was curled up on my chest, sleeping peacefully.

My pulse quickened as the events of the previous night flooded back to me. What was Alex going to think about that kiss? Surely he would remember too? I didn’t know what I would do if he just got up and left me because he was freaked out, or if he laughed at me for it. After all, he was the one who initiated the kiss. Hopefully he wouldn’t blame me for it.

As I was internally debating whether I should stay there or try to get up without him noticing, Alex began to wake up. I heard a yawn before he pushed himself up slightly, squinting at me sleepily. His hair was sticking up all over the place and his cheeks were tinged pink from sleeping. Alex blinked as he woke up a little more, finally noticing his surroundings. “Morning,” he greeted sleepily, scooting off of me so that I could sit up.

“M-morning,” I said nervously, watching him closely. He hasn’t run out of the room yet. That’s a good thing.

“Why do you look so scared?” Alex asked with a soft laugh, looking up to see me staring at him.

I blushed, stammering, “I-I... last night... um... the kiss...”

“Oh. I should’ve realized that’s why you’re being so much quieter,” Alex chuckled, shrugging it off. “Sorry about that kiss.”

“It’s okay...” I trailed off, still watching him curiously.

Alex smiled as he stood up to stretch. “Yeah, I think we both drank way too much last night. I guess that would be the reason for the drunk kiss,” he said with a laugh. “It was a fun night though, huh?”

“Yeah. It was fun,” I said flatly, forcing a smile for him. Drunk kiss. That’s all he thought of it as. I should have realized that.

“Do you need any pain killers for your hangover? I’m going to go search the bus for some. My head is killing me,” Alex said, looking at me over his shoulder as he walked toward the door.

“No, I’m fine. I’m going to go lie back down in my bunk, since we have the day off,” I said quietly.

“Suit yourself. I’ll see you later,” Alex said, heading out of the back lounge.

I stood up shakily, dizzy from the mix of emotions, grogginess, and my hangover. I bit back tears as I made my way to my bunk, climbing in immediately and snapping the curtain shut. I shouldn’t feel this disappointed over the fact that the kiss meant nothing to Alex. I should have known it didn’t mean anything to him.

So why did it hurt so much?

--------------------

I stayed in my bunk for the most part of the next two days. I was still slightly upset over the fact that Alex and I had kissed. The disappointment had sunk in and wouldn’t leave. I wasn’t really in the mood to socialize with anyone. I had feigned excitement before and after our show last night, just to make it seem like I was still in a good mood.

Tonight was no different. Before the show I got pumped up with Rian and Zack, easily avoiding Alex because he had been hanging out with John and the rest of The Maine a lot lately. Alex joked around on stage with me and I went along with it, putting on a smile for the crowd and trying to have fun.

But as soon as we were off stage, I slipped back into my bad mood. I showered quickly and went outside way before any of the others did. There were some fans outside waiting, so I signed for a little while before heading onto the bus. It was totally empty – the band was probably just now heading outside to sign for fans, and the crew was busy loading up equipment. I sighed and sunk into my bunk, lying on my stomach with my face in the pillow. I knew I was just forcing myself to be miserable, but I didn’t care. It took too much energy to stay happy.

I heard the bus door open, but there was no laughter or voices. That meant it was just one person who had come onto the bus. “Jack?” I heard Danny call out. I frowned and scooted closer to the wall. I knew he was looking for me to try and figure out what was wrong. He knew me too well when it came to this kind of stuff.

“Jack, I know you’re in here somewhere. The fans told us that you went back to the bus already,” Danny said. I heard him walking closer to my bunk, and he suddenly yanked the curtain open. “Aha. I knew you’d be in here.”

“Go away,” I said, putting my face back in my pillow. Danny ignored me and slid into my bunk, flipping the dim light on so he could see me.

“What’s up, Jack? You’ve been acting weird for the last two days,” he said.

“I’m a weird person.”

Danny rolled his eyes at me, “I meant you’ve been acting depressed. Totally un-Jack-like. What gives?”

“None of your fucking business,” I said, flipping onto my back. Danny was partially lying on his side, sitting up as much as he could in the small bunk.

“It is my business. Something must have happened for you to be acting like this. C’mon – you know you can tell me anything. No one else is on the bus. They’ll be outside for a while,” Danny said, his eyes genuinely full of concern.

“You can make the connection. You know when I started acting like this,” I muttered.

He was quiet for a moment, thinking. His eyes suddenly widened, “Oh, god. The other night at the bar. You and Alex were totally drunk so I had to take you back to the bus, and I left you guys alone so I could go to sleep. Did you... you two didn’t... please tell me you two didn’t have drunken sex or something.”

“No!” I yelped, shaking my head quickly. “I would have committed suicide if it was that.”

“Jack!” Danny scolded, punching me in the arm roughly. “Don’t joke about that.”

“Sorry,” I muttered, looking away from him. “No, we didn’t fuck. Alex and I went into the back lounge, and he tripped over something and fell on top of me where I was laying on the couch. Before I knew it he was kissing me.”

“Just a quick kiss, or...?”

I shook my head, “A full-on kiss; tongue and making out included. It was so good.”

“I didn’t need that much information,” Danny grimaced, before asking, “Did he remember it the next morning?”

“Yes,” I replied, tears pricking at my eyes. “That’s what hurts. He just laughed it off and said we drank too much. He doesn’t realize how much it hurts me for him to say that. You have no idea how much it sucks, Danny. Kissing the guy you’re completely in love with and knowing it didn’t mean a thing to him,” I choked out, tears running down my face.

“No, Jack, don’t cry,” Danny said, looking upset as I started to cry. He reached out and pulled me closer to him, letting me cry into his chest. “Jack, you’re overreacting about this.”

“Am not,” I mumbled, wiping my tears away. Danny loosened his grip on me when I had calmed down a little, looking at me.

“You’re going to hate me for saying it, but it was just a drunk kiss, Jack. Neither one of you was completely aware of what was going on at the time. You need to let it go and just move on,” Danny said softly, one arm still around me.

I scowled, “Thanks. You’re no help at all.”

“Seriously,” he said, squeezing my shoulder. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance with him. Hell, now that you two have had that kiss, maybe he’s got some hidden feelings for you too.”

“Really?” I asked, feeling my heart lift a little at the thought.

“Don’t hold me to that – I don’t know for sure,” Danny said quickly, seeing the hope in my eyes.

“I know,” I sighed. “It’s a little weird with him now, though. I feel uncomfortable when he does shit on stage like he usually does, or even just around you guys.”

“Because of the kiss?”

I nodded slightly, “I don’t like how he thinks it’s all a joke.”

“He’s Alex. It’s hard to find something that he is serious about,” Danny smiled slightly. We both stopped talking when we heard the bus door open. I could hear the laughter and talking as people climbed onto the bus. “I’ll scoot out of here so I can go talk to the others. I’ll tell them that you fell asleep, alright? Your face is puffy from crying, so I assume you don’t want them to see that.”

“Ew.” I nodded, frowning and wiping at my eyes to make sure all the tears were wiped away.

“Remember what I said, okay? Just let it go. There’s no point in stressing over something that happened two days ago,” Danny said, pulling his arm away from me as he scooted toward the edge of my bunk.

“Okay. Hey, Danny?” I added, just as he pulled open the curtain. He turned back to look at me. “Thanks.”

Danny just grinned and ruffled my hair, knowing it would piss me off, “That’s what friends who know your secrets are for.”