The Lovers, the Ghosts, and the Dancing Monkey
The Lovers, The Ghosts, And The Dancing Monkey (Ft. A Witch Corpse)
Richard and Brittanie were sprawled out on the couch watching reruns of Timothy Goes to School, their bodies entangled in an embrace that could only be compared to two sea cows wrestling in the desert sun.
The pair had been dating for about two weeks, and they both knew that their love would go down in history at the smexiest love of all time: Even more passionate than Jack and Rose, even more tragic than Romeo and Juliet. Hell, when Hollywood eventually made a movie about them it would even beat out The Notebook!
When they had started dating, all the kids in Westhell broke into an uproar. (Again.)
“Why would he reduce himself to dating something of another species?” The girl’s asked.
“This had better be just a rebound fling from that skanky-ass-bitch-whore Lana!” The boy’s said.
And surprisingly enough, the teachers of the school were also in a tizzy. “Seriously, watching them canoodle in class makes me throw up in my mouth a little.” Most of them said.
For you see, Brittanie was the fattest, ugliest, smelliest slab of woman that had ever walked the halls of Westhell. No man would look her way, no man would speak to her, and no man would touch, kiss, or grope her.
That is, until Richard came along. Now the two were inseparable, always with one-another to the point where it became just fucking creepy…
“Seriously he could do so much better!” The ghost of the big, gay tranny Danica Lestrange said as she watched the pair through her magic cauldron. “And I thought him and Lana were bad! Hell I almost wish she’d come back for Richard just to make Brittanie go away… that and also because I wish she’d stop doing unmentionable things to my corpse…”
Danica had died the year before when a cinderblock (The one that also hit Lana in the head, causing her to lose her sanity and ask Richard out) had smashed into her skull. Her death also accidentally led to the death of her midget servant, Reese.
“Reese!” Danica called, a sickening fury building in her translucent bones.
“Yes Cam?” Reese said, his ghostly form appearing next to hers from the shadows.
“THAT IS NOT MY NAME!” Danica screamed. “I MEAN COME ON; WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS SO MANY TIMES…” She turned around and looked to her bed of nails, where the monkey wearing sneakers sat reading Vogue. “Attack him!”
“I damn well can’t!” The monkey shouted back in its British accent. After Danica died the monkey had moved into her bedroom. “You’re bloody ghosts, nothing can touch you!”
“Oh you’re fucking useless!” She shouted. To Reese, she said while pointing at the image in the cauldron, “Do you see what’s going on down there? It’s disgusting. We need to break them up before my ghostly eyes melt.”
“Why don’t we just use a love spell to bring Lana back?” Reese suggested.
“Shut up, Reese.” Danica brushed him off. “I have the perfect plan… we’ll use a love spell to bring Lana back!”
Reese and the monkey both facepalmed.
“Monkey, please put the ingredients for a love spell into my cauldron, as I cannot because I’m a ghost and I can’t pick shit up…” Danica watched as the monkey dropped various items into the cauldron, (The head of a bald eagle, a bottle of Pantene shampoo, and a bag of Doritos.)
“Now, wave my wand while I say the incantation.”
“I’m not your damn slave!” The monkey stomped its sneaker-wearing foot down.
“SHUT UP I CREATED YOU WITH MY MAGIC SO WAVE THE FUCKING WAND.” When Danica shrieked the walls shook.
The monkey flipped her off, but began to wave the wand anyway. “Okay…” Danica said, “Bibbity, bobbity, sporks, make Lana fall in love with Richard instead of my corpse!”
The cauldron shook for a moment and then started sprouting pink smoke. “Yes, it worked! Reese, let us float downstairs and watch the oncoming fun!” Reese and Danica both floated out of the room. The monkey followed too because he was bored.
When the trio walked into the living room Richard and the manatee were making out… or at least, it was assumed they were making out as there was too much of Brittanie’s blubber to actually see properly.
All of a sudden the front door of the house exploded open and Lana ran in, Danica’s skeletal corpse in tow.
“Lana is that you?” Richard asked, trying to see past the whole of Brittanie.
“Yes, it is I, Lana.” Lana said, her blonde hair blowing gently in the air… (In reality, Brittanie farted, but shh!) “I’ve finally realized that I made a big mistake leaving you for your brother’s dead corpse. It’s always been you, Richard. You and only you!”
“Does that mean I can finally have a funeral?!” Danica asked in joy, but was promptly ignored by basically everybody in the room.
“Lana, I don’t know what to say…” Richard said in a daze.
“I know what to say!” A voice that sounded like it belonged to a gigantic black man said. Everyone turned to look at Brittanie, who was now glaring at Lana intently through her eyebrow fat. “Get out of here you gigantic whore!”
“Oh no she didn’t!” The monkey snapped its fingers.
“No! I refuse to leave unless Richard comes with me!” Lana says. “Wait, hold the phone… why is there a gigantic manatee in your living room and how can it talk?”
“You skinny little bitch!” Brittanie screamed, hauling herself to her feet. “Stay away from my man!” She then jumped (If you can call it jumping) at Lana.
No one really saw what happened next because of Brittanie’s fat getting in the way, but when she shifted back, Lana was gone, leaving behind only Danica’s bones.
“What happened to Lana?” The monkey asked.
Brittanie burped in reply.
“You ate her?!” Everyone asked at once.
Brittanie laughed. “Tasted just like chicken.”
Everyone stared at her with their mouths open. They stayed like that for a good twenty minutes before Brittanie left the room claiming that she “Needed to drop a massive deuce.”
Once she was gone, Danica turned to Richard. “Why are you dating her, I just have to know.”
Richard shrugged. “Lana was prettier than me, so in the end she left me. If I date a girl whose ten times more gross than I am, then I’ll never be dumped!”
Reese and the monkey nodded. “Smart thinking.”
And so Richard and Brittanie’s relationship went on. Richard had finally found true love. The two of them lived happily ever after… that is, until another two weeks later when Brittanie tried eating Danica’s bones, only to choke on a rib and die. It was sort of like one of those beached whales, only more sad.
The end.
The pair had been dating for about two weeks, and they both knew that their love would go down in history at the smexiest love of all time: Even more passionate than Jack and Rose, even more tragic than Romeo and Juliet. Hell, when Hollywood eventually made a movie about them it would even beat out The Notebook!
When they had started dating, all the kids in Westhell broke into an uproar. (Again.)
“Why would he reduce himself to dating something of another species?” The girl’s asked.
“This had better be just a rebound fling from that skanky-ass-bitch-whore Lana!” The boy’s said.
And surprisingly enough, the teachers of the school were also in a tizzy. “Seriously, watching them canoodle in class makes me throw up in my mouth a little.” Most of them said.
For you see, Brittanie was the fattest, ugliest, smelliest slab of woman that had ever walked the halls of Westhell. No man would look her way, no man would speak to her, and no man would touch, kiss, or grope her.
That is, until Richard came along. Now the two were inseparable, always with one-another to the point where it became just fucking creepy…
“Seriously he could do so much better!” The ghost of the big, gay tranny Danica Lestrange said as she watched the pair through her magic cauldron. “And I thought him and Lana were bad! Hell I almost wish she’d come back for Richard just to make Brittanie go away… that and also because I wish she’d stop doing unmentionable things to my corpse…”
Danica had died the year before when a cinderblock (The one that also hit Lana in the head, causing her to lose her sanity and ask Richard out) had smashed into her skull. Her death also accidentally led to the death of her midget servant, Reese.
“Reese!” Danica called, a sickening fury building in her translucent bones.
“Yes Cam?” Reese said, his ghostly form appearing next to hers from the shadows.
“THAT IS NOT MY NAME!” Danica screamed. “I MEAN COME ON; WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS SO MANY TIMES…” She turned around and looked to her bed of nails, where the monkey wearing sneakers sat reading Vogue. “Attack him!”
“I damn well can’t!” The monkey shouted back in its British accent. After Danica died the monkey had moved into her bedroom. “You’re bloody ghosts, nothing can touch you!”
“Oh you’re fucking useless!” She shouted. To Reese, she said while pointing at the image in the cauldron, “Do you see what’s going on down there? It’s disgusting. We need to break them up before my ghostly eyes melt.”
“Why don’t we just use a love spell to bring Lana back?” Reese suggested.
“Shut up, Reese.” Danica brushed him off. “I have the perfect plan… we’ll use a love spell to bring Lana back!”
Reese and the monkey both facepalmed.
“Monkey, please put the ingredients for a love spell into my cauldron, as I cannot because I’m a ghost and I can’t pick shit up…” Danica watched as the monkey dropped various items into the cauldron, (The head of a bald eagle, a bottle of Pantene shampoo, and a bag of Doritos.)
“Now, wave my wand while I say the incantation.”
“I’m not your damn slave!” The monkey stomped its sneaker-wearing foot down.
“SHUT UP I CREATED YOU WITH MY MAGIC SO WAVE THE FUCKING WAND.” When Danica shrieked the walls shook.
The monkey flipped her off, but began to wave the wand anyway. “Okay…” Danica said, “Bibbity, bobbity, sporks, make Lana fall in love with Richard instead of my corpse!”
The cauldron shook for a moment and then started sprouting pink smoke. “Yes, it worked! Reese, let us float downstairs and watch the oncoming fun!” Reese and Danica both floated out of the room. The monkey followed too because he was bored.
When the trio walked into the living room Richard and the manatee were making out… or at least, it was assumed they were making out as there was too much of Brittanie’s blubber to actually see properly.
All of a sudden the front door of the house exploded open and Lana ran in, Danica’s skeletal corpse in tow.
“Lana is that you?” Richard asked, trying to see past the whole of Brittanie.
“Yes, it is I, Lana.” Lana said, her blonde hair blowing gently in the air… (In reality, Brittanie farted, but shh!) “I’ve finally realized that I made a big mistake leaving you for your brother’s dead corpse. It’s always been you, Richard. You and only you!”
“Does that mean I can finally have a funeral?!” Danica asked in joy, but was promptly ignored by basically everybody in the room.
“Lana, I don’t know what to say…” Richard said in a daze.
“I know what to say!” A voice that sounded like it belonged to a gigantic black man said. Everyone turned to look at Brittanie, who was now glaring at Lana intently through her eyebrow fat. “Get out of here you gigantic whore!”
“Oh no she didn’t!” The monkey snapped its fingers.
“No! I refuse to leave unless Richard comes with me!” Lana says. “Wait, hold the phone… why is there a gigantic manatee in your living room and how can it talk?”
“You skinny little bitch!” Brittanie screamed, hauling herself to her feet. “Stay away from my man!” She then jumped (If you can call it jumping) at Lana.
No one really saw what happened next because of Brittanie’s fat getting in the way, but when she shifted back, Lana was gone, leaving behind only Danica’s bones.
“What happened to Lana?” The monkey asked.
Brittanie burped in reply.
“You ate her?!” Everyone asked at once.
Brittanie laughed. “Tasted just like chicken.”
Everyone stared at her with their mouths open. They stayed like that for a good twenty minutes before Brittanie left the room claiming that she “Needed to drop a massive deuce.”
Once she was gone, Danica turned to Richard. “Why are you dating her, I just have to know.”
Richard shrugged. “Lana was prettier than me, so in the end she left me. If I date a girl whose ten times more gross than I am, then I’ll never be dumped!”
Reese and the monkey nodded. “Smart thinking.”
And so Richard and Brittanie’s relationship went on. Richard had finally found true love. The two of them lived happily ever after… that is, until another two weeks later when Brittanie tried eating Danica’s bones, only to choke on a rib and die. It was sort of like one of those beached whales, only more sad.
The end.