Hesitating and Suffocating

Cally looked ahead as John drove down the blank highway, and the car was silent. Everyone was lost in thought. Cally kept reliving what she had just remembered, a single spark of something that she would absolutely never forget now. She kept replaying her voice over and over, and wondered what she did wrong to forget something that seemed so wonderful.

John was thinking of Cally too, wondering silently who really messed up. Did he screw it all up by first leaving, then refusing to have anything to do with the girl who first saved him, then destroyed him all over again? Or was it she, who had undoubtably chosen her stand in all this mess? Or perhaps it was neither, and the God John had wanted to believe in was intervening somehow.

The rest of the boys, Garrett in particular, were wondering what would happen next. Would Cally slowly remember it all, the good and the bad, or would that be all she ever got out from behind that wall? Garrett wondered too, where that left her and John. He wanted nothing more than them back together and engaged to be married, but had a feeling nothing like that would possibly ever happen. He quietly remembered the past Cally hardly wanted to talk about, the little white tick marks across her legs that she always seemed to have excuses for.

Things began to fall into place for all those involved, and they all made their choices, ones they may probably regret in the near future.
- - - - -
Cally stared up at the stage John was singing from, recognizing the words leaving his lips from the playlist she played. “I’m taking, taking all of my time, I’m dodging words, but she’s saying the right lines, she made me, made me oh so crazy, but this time I feel like I’m doing something right.” He smirked, meeting Cally’s eyes way in the back. “It made me sick to think about, everything you put me through and how you left without saying goodbye, and if it’s really over now, then you can walk away and it would be the last time.”

The words stung, Cally knowing full well they were all about her. Sure, she hadn’t even known John at the time the song was written, but still, she knew that the reason he was singing it now was mostly out of contempt for her.

Which was why after the doors closed, she stormed backstage, his words playing over and over in her head like a broken record. She knocked on the door where she knew he was hiding from the empty vodka bottle outside the door. “John?” She said, knocking again before groaning and trying to turn the handle, to no success. “John, open the fucking door. I want to talk.”

The door swung open to reveal John sitting alone in a storage closet, a full glass of vodka in his hand, but still seemed sober. “Okay, about what? About how I left you, or how you left me?” Cally rolled her eyes, stepping inside and closing the door.

“Those words hurt, you know,” She said, leaning against the one bare wall of the room, which was small even for a storage closet. It was stacked high with cardboard boxes she was afraid to open. “The ones you sang on stage? And don’t you dare tell me they weren’t about me, John. I’ve never heard someone sing with so much contempt for someone.” She crossed her arms over her chest and tucked her hair away.

John shrugged. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry for leaving you?” He snorted. “You’re the one who had to take the easy way out. You’re the one who had to get hit by the semi-” Cally hissed.

“You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to wake up in a room full of strangers with no idea who I was or where I was or what the fuck was going on? You think that this makes me happy?” Tears pricked behind Cally’s eyes, and she wiped them away angrily, her voice becoming deathly quiet. “You think that I wanted an easy way out of a relationship I was clearly dedicated to? John ... if you couldn’t see then that I clearly loved you a whole fucking lot, then I don’t know why I’m still here, because just looking at those pictures of us ... Hell, I could see how much you loved me, and how much I loved you.” She shook her head, and made to leave, but John grabbed her arm.

“I don’t love you anymore.” His voice was clear, his words never sounding more honest as they drunkenly left his lips. “Hell, I hardly think I even like you anymore. You’re someone entirely new, and I liked the old Cally better than whoever you are now. Jamie is my future now.” Cally nodded, though she felt like crying.

“I respect that. I’m not the same person I was before and I completely understand with all my heart why you don’t want to know me anymore. I’m surprised anyone forgave me for all this bullshit. I think when we get back home, it’s time I went home too.” Cally’s voice was quiet and she thought she was going to break down and cry right in front of me. This conversation wasn’t going how she wanted it to.

“What’s home for you, then, Cally? Your old apartment? That’s sold. England? Gemma has a life now. Where you going to go, Cally?” John said harshly, not letting go of her arm. She exhaled slowly.

“I meant home home. Where I belong.” She took a deep breath again, chewing on her lips. “New York. No one should have to deal with me. You’re right, John.” She gave a small chuckle that sounded fake. “I should have just died with our relationship.” John, still drunk, was speechless for a moment.

She pushed past him slowly, before turning back with her fingers on the doorknob. “I hope she makes you happy the way I used to, John.” She opened the door and the minute John disappeared from view, a fresh set of tears formed in her eyes, causing her to collapse against the free wall until the only tears that were left weren’t even from her eyes.

They were from John’s.