Hesitating and Suffocating

Garrett watched nervously from the stage as Cally stood lifeless at the merch table, her phone propped up on between her knees and her fingers dancing along her wrists and her legs, not sure where to land.

He could see her breaking down, and had no idea what to do. He was scared she’d leave, that she’d just walk out and start over. It was his biggest fear. He knew that Cally and John had talked today, and they’d be sure to do it again tonight. He could tell that it would be one of those nights he used to rarely see.

The ones where Cally couldn’t sleep because of John, and would take longs walks, and the ones where John couldn’t drink away his problems, or couldn’t sleep because of them, and would roam around Tempe like a lost puppy. He was hoping they’d intersect, talk about their problems and finally work something out. Because Garrett couldn’t lose Cally again.

He was right as he heard their hotel room door open and Cally curse under her breath, her bare feet padding through the hotel as she roamed, her mind focused on where she would go, what she would do, where she would live. Unconsciously, she decided that the farthest she could go from here was Italy, though that wasn’t practical since the only Italian she spoke was from when she was a child at her mother’s. She then decided that because she still spoke almost fluent Spanish, Spain seemed like a good idea.

“Yo estoy perdido,” She murmured, the side of her she had almost forgotten remerging. She remembered that summer she spent in Spain. She had never wanted to leave. She sighed, until she realized she was on the hotel’s roof, looking over the city’s floor plan like she belonged up here. “Mierda,” She breathed.

She heard a chuckle. John stood a few feet away, his hands in his pockets. “Really? ‘Holy shit’ in Spanish?” His face clouded, losing all proof of his smile. “I didn’t know you spoke Spanish,” He said, seemed honestly distraught over this small fact. Cally gave a small smile.

“Fluently.” She gave a smaller smile. “It’s okay, you know. I assume I didn’t tell anyone.” She looked out over the city’s brightest lights, losing herself in their luminescence. “I’m thinking about moving to Spain,” She blurted without thinking, and mentally cursed herself. John’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Why?” He asked, honestly. It was weird for both of them, to simply forget what they had been through and stand and talk. John, through the darkness, could see the shiny scar tissue, the angry red marks that she had inflicted. He winced internally, knowing he did that to her. It’s his fault. And Cally stared past him, scared to look into his eyes and see his emotions. Did he hate her? Despite all the things he had said and he had done, she honestly wished she could have changed it all. Went back to fix it, let him know how much she loved him before she “left” his life.

“Because I don’t belong here anymore.” She had never spoken truer words, and she wondered which was worse. That she was saying this to John, or that she knew that in the morning, he wouldn’t care. Things wouldn’t have changed, he’d still spit words that would break her. She didn’t understand that either, why it hurt her so much. She didn’t remember him, and she hardly knew him. And yet, each word he spit out at her, she died a little more inside. “I just don’t. I should have walked away when I had the chance. I’m hurting people I loved and I’m hurting myself too. Sine when is that worth it? Besides, John, why do you even care? I thought you’d be happy that I’m leaving. I’ll be out of your life officially, doesn’t that thrill you?”

Cally’s words were harsh against John’s thinning skin. He was becoming a lot less accepting and chill about being insulted. Things hurt now. Maybe because Cally held his heart, ripped it out, and tried to put it back together. He cleared his throat. “I care because if you leave, everyone’s going to be a wreck, and I can’t fucking let you hurt more people,” He said harshly, and the moment the words left his lips, he regretted it. Cally’s face dropped, and tears began to pool in her eyes.

“Good to know,” She breathed, like someone had just punched her in the stomach and she was exhaling. Her eyes focused on the skyline, and tears began to fall down her cheeks as she chuckled. “I don’t get it. I hardly know you, I don’t remember shit about you, and yet everything you say to me makes me want to leave that much more.” Her voice wasn’t angry, nor sad. It was neutral, like she was talking about the weather, which was worse than the previous two. “And guess what John? You’re getting exactly what you wanted the first time around.”

John’s eyes widened. She put her left hand to her head, her pointer finger tapping her temple and her thumb sticking out, her other three fingers tucked into her palm. “I’m as good as dead. Hope that makes you happy, without me here. I’d understand.”

“How do you know that’s what I want?” John said quietly, his eyes focusing on the ground. “How do you know anything? You never asked.”

Cally laughed bitterly, nearing the stairs as she yelled across the roof. “I don’t know to ask, John. In case you forgot, forgetting everything gives me a fresh perspective. I’m not stupid. I know that no one wanted me back. That nothing matters except that I get my memory back. And well, that’s not going to happen anytime soon.” She opened the stairs door, a single tear falling across her cheeks. “Maybe for once, I’ll do what I want and fuck the consequences.”

“So what? You’re just going to leave?” John yelled, angered by her lack of caring, but she didn’t reply to him. She whispered to herself.

“Me gustaría saber por qué te amé tanto,” She whispered. “I wish I knew why I loved you so much.”