The World Is Ugly But You're Beautiful To Me

Gerard's Pov

“You think I don’t know what you get up to with that fucking friend of yours?” Tiny beads of spit spray in my face while he yells at me. The vein on his left temple protrudes slightly from his reddening face. I look straight into his dark eyes defiantly. This is the first confrontation from anyone about what me and Frank get up to and I’m quite sure how to act.

“You think I don’t know that you sneak out of the house every other night when my mum’s asleep?” His eyebrows flicker a little, he doesn’t know that I know about the brunette he visits on a regular basis. I guess the sayings true, once your mouth is open your not learning; since I’ve become a mute in the house I’ve noticed so much more about my fellow residents and one of my discoveries is the young women Pete goes off with. It makes me sick, but I don’t care enough to tell my mum, I’d only cause more problems for myself. Plus, somewhere inside of me I kind of enjoy knowing that he’s off with another women while my mum is clueless, it’s like I’ve got one over her.

I remember the first time I saw him sneak out to her, I was atop my bedroom roof having a late night smoke and I noticed a silver car pull up opposite my house. Obviously, I focused on it suspiciously, and before long I saw pete walking down our pathway and into it. He gave the women a chaste kiss and they drove off towards their unknown destination; I specifically remember the way my heart was beating beneath my chest and my hands shook with adrenaline.

My heart is hammering in my chest now too, but I try to maintain a straight face, he can’t know im worrying for my safety.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he tries to play dumb, but I know he knows I know. “You trying to make trouble in hope you’ll make ‘mummy’ love you again,” a patronising laugh escapes his crooked lips and I fight with my balled fist not to smack him. I won’t sink to his level. I don’t need too; I have vital information that could potentially wreck his life.

I can feel little balls of perspiration start to slide down my forehead. “What are you going to cry like the pussy fag you are? Oh boo hoo, mummy doesn’t love her faggot son,”

“I’d shut the fuck up if I were you, there’s people next door.” I warn, hoping to show him he isn’t getting to me- even though he is. Severely. However, there are people next door in the kitchen, my mother has some colleagues over and Mikey has a friend over; I think there upstairs doing whatever normal friends do. Things me and Frank used to do before recently.

“You think I give a shit? Your mother hears you moaning like a cheap whore when ‘Frankie’ comes over, so she can hear you getting a beating for it!” more spit particles drown my facial feature; it’s disgusting, but I refuse to move. I want to scream at him though, how dare he speak of Frank; he doesn’t know the first thing about our friendship! If I can call it that.

I want to ask him if he’s bullshitting or if my mother really hears me moaning when Frank works his magic on me- which has only been a few times, none of them short of amazing; he’s really something special. A tiny smile plays with my dry lips but I urge it down.
“So what you’re going to ‘beat’ me for nothing?” I question incredulously instead; an evil grin works its way onto his face and I internally shudder. I honestly believe this guy has been sent from the devil.

“Not for nothing, just for being you.” With that he brings his fist up to my face before I can shield myself.

Pain erupts behind the surface of my skin and my head starts to throb- he got me good, with his fist and his words. I guess there’s nothing worse I could be than myself, even my mother made that much clear.

I don’t hesitate to wipe the smug look of his face with my own fist, he gasps in shock and I take my chance to jump on him. Fuck not sinking to his level, I need to let out some of this anger. I wonder what Frank would think if he saw me right now; would he look at me disapprovingly, because I’m no better than his father by using my fist to relieve my strangled feelings? Or would he look at me sadly because I almost suffer as much as him? Either way, I’m thankful he’s not here to witness the scene.

“Get the fuck off me queer; doesn’t ‘Frankie’ satisfy you enough?” I knee him in the balls and he yells in agony before charging towards me. I fly back from force and land with a crash on the coffee table; my back throbs in agony but I refuse to make any vocal signals of pain. Shit, where is everyone when you need them, they must be able to hear all this crashing and yelling!

Within a second I feel multiple blows being made to my stomach. With all my strength I try to struggle out of his grasp but I can’t- he’s too strong. When it finally gets too much I scream out in pain, he climbs of me and pushes my weak body off the coffee table, I land on the dirty carpet with a thud.

I try to pull myself up feebly, but he kicks me straight back down laughing. After five or so attempts I surrender and lay on the floor crying. He, however, doesn’t stop and continues hurting me. I hear someone charge into the room and gasp.

A bit fucking late now isn’t it?

“Shit, dad, what are you doing?”

“Don’t worry Mikes, I’m just teaching Gerard a lesson,” his voice is calm and happy like he’s proud or something. Fucking cunt.

“Get off him Dad! We have guests for fuck sake,” I see Mikey pull Pete away from my quivering form before helping me up. I cry out when he touches my stomach, Pete really got
me good; fucker.

He whispers apologies repeatedly while Pete stands beside him laughing and occasionally nudging my head with his boot clad foot. I’ve noticed Mikey has become a lot warmer towards me in the past few weeks, since I stopped speaking. I have no idea why, but I’m not complaining.

“What’s going on here?”

I look behind Mikey as he hauls me up; my mother stands in the doorway shocked. “Just teaching the kid a lesson,” Pete tells her proudly, as he did with Mikey. I wish he’d drop dead.

“Oh for fuck sake Gerard, why are you always making trouble?” My jaw almost hits the floor once the words escape her lips; me make trouble? All I did was come down stairs to get something to eat when I got dragged into the living room! “You know we have guests and Mikey has his friend over, you’re so selfish!” She continues.

I shrug Mikey’s slender arms off my shoulders finding a new strength within me. I cannot fucking believe her nerve!

Anger begins to absorb my every cell. It fills my mind, my vision, my soul. The familiar irritation is building within me, slowly filling up the emptiness which I’m usually graced with. Every second I grow more frustrated, I clench my fists in attempt to release part of the irritation itching at the back of my mind while I glare at the women before me. I encase my fists tighter and tighter until my knuckles become white; but that just annoys me more. I grind my already small and discoloured teeth together but still my anger refuses to ease; fuck this.

“I didn’t fucking do anything!”

“You never do anything,” her voice is bitter, like lemon juice on a fresh cut.

“You need to open your eyes women!” her eyebrows raise slightly and I want to rip them of her head. This isn’t my mother; this isn’t the women I used to look up to, the women I fought to protect. This is someone Pete and alcohol has created.

“Trust me, my eyes are open,” I’m not entirely sure what she’s insinuating but her voice is
calm, yet still bitter. I glance over at Pete while my heart is pounding within my chest. My eyes narrow a little and soften from their glare while my lips work a tiny smile that I know only Pete can see. Suddenly he doesn’t look so smug.

“But not enough to see that he’s cheating on you?” her eyebrows furrow, as do Mikey’s. Pete However seems a little panicked. My mother glances over to him and he puts on the mask.

“What? You actually going to believe him?”

I never thought of that, why the hell would she believe me over him; she hates me after all. My mother takes a step towards my bruised body and tells me to get the fuck out her sight and stop trying to ruin her life. I don’t hesitate and stumble all the way up to my third floor bedroom, then and only then allowing my eyes to flood with salty tears. I flop my aching body on the computer chair and log onto msn; I have two contacts and both are online.

Frankie.

Jonny.

My heart flips when I see Frank is online, it’s like a small dosage of adrenaline runs through my body and my heart begins to pound.

As much as I want to lose myself into a conversation with him, I need to unload first. I right click on Jonny’s name and choose the send an email option; I abruptly wipe away my tears so I can see the screen clearer and begin typing away, letting of steam.

I hate them, I hate them, and I hate them. I hate me. I wanna let go, I don’t think I can hold on anymore. I want to fly Jonny, I want to fly so bad.

I click send and wipe my nose. My hands are shaking a little less and as if on cue a conversation pops up. Frank. An orange bar flashes at the bottom of my screen and I click on it nervously.

Gerard! What’s up? :D

Not much, you?

Me either. Bored shitless, my dad is still at work so the house is calm – thank god. A tiny pang of jealous rattles at my stomach and I feel a new set of tears cascade down my raw face. As happy as I am that he’s safe, for once, I can’t help but think back to my own household ten minutes ago.

So how are you?

I’m great, we all just had take out and Mikey has his friend over so, yeah it was good. :D I wish.

I hate having to lie to Frank, but I don’t want to burden him with my problems, he has his own. I want to be someone Frank can come too, someone he enjoys to be around not an extra weight on his shoulders. Of course, he knows I have some shit going on but I make reasonable cover stories for everything he either suspects or has seen.

Sounds nice! I wish I had take out :( me too.

A pop up appears in the bottom right of my screen telling me I have received one new email from JonnyStickIt. Abandoning mine and Frank’s conversation briefly, I click the pop up to read Jonny’s reply.

Hold in there Gee, We’ll get through this. Remember, it’s us against the world, we can’t let them win. It’s not time to spread your wings yet, remove those thoughts from your head Gee. However, the time is coming closer for us to make our move. Hold in there.
Xx J.