The Inbetween
Thirteen
Nathan didn’t know where he was going, but he did know he’d been walking for just under an hour now. It was only when he turned the corner and saw the black iron gates that he knew where he was. Had he really walked all the way from home to the graveyard? He shook his head as he slowed to a stop. Did he really want to go in? Tom’s words echoed through his head. ‘So just stop your fucking sulking about, get up off of your arse, and do something productive to try and figure this out!’ He set his jaw, determined to prove Tom wrong in some sort of way… and prove to himself that he still definitely cared about Holly.
He didn’t have his phone with him so he had no means of communicating with anyone. He had no means of telling the time, but the sun told him it was still pretty early in the day, maybe only two or three o’clock. He pushed against the gate and let it swing open under his touch, his feet crunching on the gravel when he stepped through. Usually he’d make a beeline for Holly’s grave, but not today. For the first time in five years he took his time, winding his way in and out of the graves, reading the headstones. Every time he read ‘In loving memory of’ or ‘brother/sister’ he counted himself lucky – these people probably hadn’t had the chance to see their brother or sister again, but he had. As he got closer and closer to Holly’s grave he came to realise how selfish he’d been acting. He’d been looking at this all the wrong way.
He stopped a few feet away from her grave and held his breath as he looked at it. He released his breath as he stepped onto the grass and sat down right in front of the headstone, his legs crossed beneath him. He pursed his lips as he read the inscription a few times over despite knowing it by heart. He let his hands fan out behind him as he leant his weight on them. He tilted his head back, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
Holly watched as he sat down and leaned back. She stood behind her headstone, facing him, watching closely as he took a deep breath. Suddenly he pulled his head up and opened his eyes; “I’m sorry, Holly.” He said. She sank to her knees, resting her elbows on the top of her headstone. She figured this was going to be a long, one-sided conversation.
“I just… I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed you or something,” He sat forward, ripping at some pieces of grass. He sighed. “You were my life, Holly. Not a lot of people could say that about their siblings, especially when we were that age, but you were. I’d have done anything for you at the drop of a hat,” She watched as his lips turned up a little, “You knew that though, didn’t you? You knew that you had me wrapped around your finger.” Holly smiled. “I didn’t mind, though. I was happy to do anything for you.”
At this he leaned forward and gently ran his hand over the headstone, allowing his fingers to ghost over the letters in the inscription. She looked down at his hand, desperate to hold it. He pulled away and shifted his weight, leaning his back against the headstone, stretching one leg out in front of him and bending the other up. He rested his arm on his knee and let his free hand fall to the side of the headstone. He was now close enough to her that she could smell him, and she smiled as she allowed her eyes to close. He continued speaking and after a few moments she turned and copied his position on the opposite side on her headstone.
“When you came back, I- I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to feel. I still question whether or not you did actually come back,” Holly smiled and reached her hand out to rest next to his. She started lightly touching her fingertips to his. He no longer felt as warm as he had the day she’d come back, but he still felt warmer than she did. She wasn’t sure if he could feel her or not, but she continued to play with his fingers nonetheless; it was a comfort to her regardless. “I was so happy to see you. I was so happy that I pushed everything else away and didn’t think about it – I didn’t need to worry about it, I had you back.” Holly smiled. “And even when you told me you only had that day, it didn’t matter right away because you were there.”
She stopped fiddling with his hands and just rested hers on top of his. She felt his breathing change and knew he was struggling to keep his composure. “Anyway, I don’t know if you heard Tom earlier – or if you’re even here now, but there’s something telling me that you are – but he gave me a pretty good kick. I just didn’t know how to react to everything he was saying – it was all true and every word he said just hurt more and more and I just- I got so angry. And I was a dick to Max too, and he wasn’t even anything to do with what happened and…” He stopped himself and was silent for a few minutes.
“The view in this place is really beautiful,” he said quietly. Holly shifted a little and glanced behind her to see what Nathan could see. The sun was beginning to fall from the sky – it would be dark in a couple of hours. She smiled at the view, resting her chin on Nathan’s head, not caring once again if he could feel it or not. He sighed. “Tom put everything into perspective for me. So I’m sorry for being such a dick the past couple of weeks. I promise from here on out I’m going to work at this every day until I figure it out. I’ve been looking at it the wrong way, to be honest. I’ve been so upset that I had to lose you twice, but I haven’t lost you. Not really. I know you’re still here, and now I know that you’ll always be here.”
He was crying now, she could hear it in the way his voice was shaking. He cleared his throat. “I promise Holly, I’ll figure this out. Please, believe in me. He leant his head back against the headstone and breathed deeply, visibly calming down, “I miss you Holly, and I love you.”
He sat in silence for a few minutes more before pulling himself up from the ground and walking to the path. Holly pushed herself up to and joined her brother by his side. They both stood looking at where they had both been sitting before she turned her eyes to his face. Holly’s breath was taken away when she saw him smiling. His smile reached his eyes and lit up his whole face. She was sure he hadn’t smiled this brightly since she’d died and she felt a new confidence in him. He turned on his heel and started to leave the graveyard and, rather than following her brother like she had done earlier, she walked right beside him the whole way home. She spoke aloud her random thoughts and feelings every so often, but the journey was mostly silent. The sun was just beginning to set when they rounded the corner onto the street almost an hour later, casting an orange glow from behind them. Holly watched in amusement as Nathan’s shadow danced in front of her. She didn’t look up when a car drove by them, but she looked up when she heard Nathan’s sharp intake of breath. She glanced towards him, confused as to why he had stopped walking before following his gaze.
Her eyes landed on it right away; the car that had driven by them. It wasn’t just any car. She knew that and now, as she looked back at Nathan, she was certain he knew it too. She took a couple of steps back to stand with Nathan and put her hand on his shoulder. The car pulled to a gradual stop outside the house and Nathan watched on in horror as the owner stepped out of the car, slammed the door shut and locked it. They turned around with the intention of making their way to the gate but their eyes locked with Nathan’s.
He didn’t have his phone with him so he had no means of communicating with anyone. He had no means of telling the time, but the sun told him it was still pretty early in the day, maybe only two or three o’clock. He pushed against the gate and let it swing open under his touch, his feet crunching on the gravel when he stepped through. Usually he’d make a beeline for Holly’s grave, but not today. For the first time in five years he took his time, winding his way in and out of the graves, reading the headstones. Every time he read ‘In loving memory of’ or ‘brother/sister’ he counted himself lucky – these people probably hadn’t had the chance to see their brother or sister again, but he had. As he got closer and closer to Holly’s grave he came to realise how selfish he’d been acting. He’d been looking at this all the wrong way.
He stopped a few feet away from her grave and held his breath as he looked at it. He released his breath as he stepped onto the grass and sat down right in front of the headstone, his legs crossed beneath him. He pursed his lips as he read the inscription a few times over despite knowing it by heart. He let his hands fan out behind him as he leant his weight on them. He tilted his head back, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
Holly watched as he sat down and leaned back. She stood behind her headstone, facing him, watching closely as he took a deep breath. Suddenly he pulled his head up and opened his eyes; “I’m sorry, Holly.” He said. She sank to her knees, resting her elbows on the top of her headstone. She figured this was going to be a long, one-sided conversation.
“I just… I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed you or something,” He sat forward, ripping at some pieces of grass. He sighed. “You were my life, Holly. Not a lot of people could say that about their siblings, especially when we were that age, but you were. I’d have done anything for you at the drop of a hat,” She watched as his lips turned up a little, “You knew that though, didn’t you? You knew that you had me wrapped around your finger.” Holly smiled. “I didn’t mind, though. I was happy to do anything for you.”
At this he leaned forward and gently ran his hand over the headstone, allowing his fingers to ghost over the letters in the inscription. She looked down at his hand, desperate to hold it. He pulled away and shifted his weight, leaning his back against the headstone, stretching one leg out in front of him and bending the other up. He rested his arm on his knee and let his free hand fall to the side of the headstone. He was now close enough to her that she could smell him, and she smiled as she allowed her eyes to close. He continued speaking and after a few moments she turned and copied his position on the opposite side on her headstone.
“When you came back, I- I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to feel. I still question whether or not you did actually come back,” Holly smiled and reached her hand out to rest next to his. She started lightly touching her fingertips to his. He no longer felt as warm as he had the day she’d come back, but he still felt warmer than she did. She wasn’t sure if he could feel her or not, but she continued to play with his fingers nonetheless; it was a comfort to her regardless. “I was so happy to see you. I was so happy that I pushed everything else away and didn’t think about it – I didn’t need to worry about it, I had you back.” Holly smiled. “And even when you told me you only had that day, it didn’t matter right away because you were there.”
She stopped fiddling with his hands and just rested hers on top of his. She felt his breathing change and knew he was struggling to keep his composure. “Anyway, I don’t know if you heard Tom earlier – or if you’re even here now, but there’s something telling me that you are – but he gave me a pretty good kick. I just didn’t know how to react to everything he was saying – it was all true and every word he said just hurt more and more and I just- I got so angry. And I was a dick to Max too, and he wasn’t even anything to do with what happened and…” He stopped himself and was silent for a few minutes.
“The view in this place is really beautiful,” he said quietly. Holly shifted a little and glanced behind her to see what Nathan could see. The sun was beginning to fall from the sky – it would be dark in a couple of hours. She smiled at the view, resting her chin on Nathan’s head, not caring once again if he could feel it or not. He sighed. “Tom put everything into perspective for me. So I’m sorry for being such a dick the past couple of weeks. I promise from here on out I’m going to work at this every day until I figure it out. I’ve been looking at it the wrong way, to be honest. I’ve been so upset that I had to lose you twice, but I haven’t lost you. Not really. I know you’re still here, and now I know that you’ll always be here.”
He was crying now, she could hear it in the way his voice was shaking. He cleared his throat. “I promise Holly, I’ll figure this out. Please, believe in me. He leant his head back against the headstone and breathed deeply, visibly calming down, “I miss you Holly, and I love you.”
He sat in silence for a few minutes more before pulling himself up from the ground and walking to the path. Holly pushed herself up to and joined her brother by his side. They both stood looking at where they had both been sitting before she turned her eyes to his face. Holly’s breath was taken away when she saw him smiling. His smile reached his eyes and lit up his whole face. She was sure he hadn’t smiled this brightly since she’d died and she felt a new confidence in him. He turned on his heel and started to leave the graveyard and, rather than following her brother like she had done earlier, she walked right beside him the whole way home. She spoke aloud her random thoughts and feelings every so often, but the journey was mostly silent. The sun was just beginning to set when they rounded the corner onto the street almost an hour later, casting an orange glow from behind them. Holly watched in amusement as Nathan’s shadow danced in front of her. She didn’t look up when a car drove by them, but she looked up when she heard Nathan’s sharp intake of breath. She glanced towards him, confused as to why he had stopped walking before following his gaze.
Her eyes landed on it right away; the car that had driven by them. It wasn’t just any car. She knew that and now, as she looked back at Nathan, she was certain he knew it too. She took a couple of steps back to stand with Nathan and put her hand on his shoulder. The car pulled to a gradual stop outside the house and Nathan watched on in horror as the owner stepped out of the car, slammed the door shut and locked it. They turned around with the intention of making their way to the gate but their eyes locked with Nathan’s.
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La la laaaaa, enjoy! :D