The Inbetween

She stood right behind her own grave, a few feet away from her big brother. The sight before her broke her heart – he was standing on the ground before her grave, his knees shaking as if he was about to collapse any second. His eyes were puffy and sore, and he looked stressed and tired, so tired – and all she wanted to do was make him better. Granted, he didn’t always look like that, but he did when it was near her anniversary. She knew why and this year, on her five year anniversary, she was going to let him know.

He kneeled down on the ground at her grave and let a tear fall down his face. A deep, shaky sigh escaped him and he took a moment before he spoke.

She watched as he placed a single lily on her grave – ironic that they were always her favourite yet they were death flowers – and whispered the words, “I miss you, I’m so sorry.”

She came round and kneeled beside her brother, just realising how big he had become. He was now twenty one and she should be nineteen. To be fair, she did have the mentality and all the common sense of a nineteen year old, she was just trapped in her fourteen year old body, still wearing the same clothes, still wearing the same makeup that – no matter what she done – would never come off, and never having a bad hair day again as her hair stayed exactly the way it did five years ago – grease-free and naturally halfway between wavy and curly.

Before now she’d only watched her brother and his friends from afar – never had she tried contact with any of them. She’d never had much contact with anyone in the five years she’d roamed, unless it was other spirits or occasionally someone would double-take where she was standing or talking and ‘swear they’d saw or heard something’.

Her arm hovered over his back for a moment as she hesitated, not knowing what to expect – would her arm fall right through him? But she bit back her initial hesitation and put her arm around her brother. To her surprise her arm didn’t fall right through him, but it was almost as if she was really truly there. Nathan just didn’t seem to feel it, although he did shiver... But it was mid September, it was getting colder. She rested her head on his arm and rubbed her hand ever so slightly up and down his back. All she really wanted to do right now was burst into tears at the sight of his distress, but knew it would do no use.

She sighed and stretched up to the side of his face, “You’re not to blame,” she whispered, but she couldn’t have guessed what would happen. Nathan jerked away and fell back to the right onto his palms in sheer fright causing Holly to fall back in the opposite direction. He’d gasped and was looking all around where she was, as if frantically searching.

“Whoa, Nath, are you okay?” Jay asked as he came up and kneeled beside Nathan.

He nodded his head but waited a few moments before speaking, “I... Yeah, I- I don’t... I thought that I... Never mind, I’m fine.” He stumbled over his words and pushed himself to his feet, staring at where she was now sitting. The rest of the boys all stepped up to the grave for a moment but Holly kept rooted firmly to where she now sat. Nathan had stood, and was staring down at the ground where she sat. His face was a mixture of fear, confusion, desperation and interest. Her face was a mixture of confusion, desperation and hope, although he could not see this. Her eyes were wide and her heart and mind were once again racing.

He’d definitely heard her, despite how mad he now perhaps thought he was. That had never happened before, and she desperately tried to figure out why it would happen today. Perhaps it was because she’d never tried that with her brother before? Or maybe it was because she was touching him at the same time as she spoke? Or, and this seemed the most logical one, it was because today was her anniversary, or even worse, it was her five year anniversary. As much as this was the reasoning which made most sense, she hoped she was wrong. If this was the case – which she was ninety nine percent sure it was – it meant she only had this one day to tell Nathan and, if it was true that it would only happen on her five year anniversary, who knew when the next time she’d be able to do something like that would be?

By the time this had run circles through her head, the boys were finished and were talking to Nathan, persuading him to leave with them.

“What’s up?” Max asked quietly as Jay, Tom and Siva walked slightly ahead. Nathan was slowly beginning to walk backwards under Max’s pull on his jacket sleeve, but his eyes were glued to the spot where Holly was now standing.

“...Nothing.” He finally said, then turned his back on Holly and walked away with Max, wiping his eyes quickly before they caught up with others.

“Great, c’mon we’ll go home and have something proper to eat, yeah?”

One thing was for sure; Holly was talking to her big brother again today if it was the only thing she done today. She squeezed her eyes closed and visualised Nathan’s current household with a brand new found determination.