Divine Chaos
12
When I got home from the gym, I hopped in the shower, letting the hot water run down my body and wash all the sweat away that I had worked up in the past hour and a half. Oliver wasn’t home, so I’d have to put off talking to him. I figured out that I was going to talk to him about it, see what he wanted. I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted yet. I hopped out and threw on some old sweats. It was three now, and I still hadn’t made plans for the night. My phone rang, the caller ID stating that it was Sandy.
“Jade! Just the girl I wanted to talk to!” her always chipper voice came through my phone when I answered.
“What’s up?” I asked her.
“Just at the mall, trying on some new summer dresses,” she replied.
“Why did you call me?” I asked her, Sandy and I were friends, but I only hung out with her if Dustin or Val were busy. It was nothing against her, of course.
“Well, I was wondering, since everyone else is busy tonight if you wanted to go to this party with me tonight. It was so great catching up with you the other week. We definitely need to hang out more often, and tonight could be the start. You can even invite Hayden to come along.”
Sandy went to a private school thirty minutes away so she wasn’t exactly in the loop when break-ups happen. “Oh, well I would love to come tonight. And me and Hayden, uh, broke up about a month ago, actually the night I saw you at the lake.” I told her, feeling awkward.
“Oh, that’s just too bad! Well, you know, I’m still dating Peter and he’s coming too. I can get him to bring a friend for you. Ooh, like remember Travis?”
Travis was this guy who Sandy and Peter tried to hook me up with before I dated Hayden. Let’s just say he was not my type. “Oh, thanks, that’s nice of you, but really I’m okay,” I responded a little too quickly.
“Why not?” she asked. “Do you have a new guy?”
I didn’t want to tell her no and make it seem like I was blowing off her friend, but I didn’t want to lie. Maybe I didn’t have to…
“You know what? Yes. Yes I do. I’m sure he’d love to come tonight,” I said.
“Oooh! What’s his name?” she gushed.
“Oliver,” I said, hoping this was a good idea.
“How did you meet him?” she just had to ask that question didn’t she?
“Um,” I hesitated. Well I certainly wasn’t going to say, He’s actually my step-brother. “The lake, actually,” I said instead.
“The lake? I wonder if I know him! Although the name doesn’t sound that familiar,” she paused; I guess thinking over to see if she knew him.
Crap. I hadn’t thought about the fact that people that Oliver knows would be at this party. Crap. What have I gotten myself into?
“Well, I gotta go, um, how are we getting there?” I asked her.
“I’ll text you the address. You have GPS, right?”
“Yeah,” I answered.
“Okay, well see you tonight!” she exclaimed.
“Bye,” I replied.
“Who was that?” a voice called out from behind me as soon as I hung up. I turned around seeing Oliver standing in my door way. The collar on his polo had one half up and the other down
“Sandy,” I walked over to him and fixed his shirt. “Why are you wearing this?” I asked, knowing it wasn’t his normal attire. But as soon as I fixed his collar and made it all go down, he reached up and turned it all up. I sighed and turned back to my room, going to my closet to pick out an outfit for tonight.
“I had to go to my probation officer today,” he said.
I turned away from my clothes to give him a look, “Probation officer? What are you on probation for?”
“Some stupid shit I got into last year,” he shrugged his shoulders and plopped down on my bed.
I changed the subject, knowing if I asked any more questions it could get awkward. “So, wanna go to a party tonight?”
“A party?”
“Yeah, a party. Ever been to one?”
“A few,” he answered seriously.
I rolled my eyes and picked out a summer dress. I held up to me and turned around, raising my eyebrows at Oliver. He shook his head. I hung the dress back out and pulled out another. He shook his head on that one too. The fifth dress he finally nodded on. I was pleased. The dress was one of my favorites. It was blue and had black see-through lace over the top, the blue showing through.
I smiled and shrugged out of my sweats. I pulled my tank top off watched Oliver, watching me. I pulled on the dress over my head and asked him to zip up the back. The dress fell a couple inches above my legs. After he zipped me up, he slapped me on the butt. I giggled and slapped him playfully on the chest. He pulled me down with him on the bed.
I had just gotten his shirt off when we heard the doorbell ring. I gave him a peck on the lips before pushing off of him and heading into the living room. I opened the door to find the one person on the planet I never wanted to see.
Hayden.
“Hayden,” I said, stepping back, feeling my heart break inside me again. For the past four weeks I’d barely seen Hayden at all and I was getting used to it. He eventually had stopped trying to talk to me and try to win me over, because he knew it wouldn’t help. Well, that and also the fact that Val, Johnny, and Dustin told him to stay away from me or they’d all beat his ass. “Um, what are you doing here?”
“I just—“ something from behind me, stopped him from finishing what he was going to say. I looked back and saw that it was Oliver, walking in, slipping his shirt on over his bare chest.
“What’s going on?” he asked before looking at Hayden and giving him a cold look. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I pushed Oliver back, “Please, give me five minutes with him,” I said, not wanting to cause a scene and kind of interested in what Hayden had to say to me this time.
Oliver stared into my eyes for a minute. Then he looked at Hayden, the coldness still in his eyes. Then he looked back at me. “Fine,” he turned away and headed back down the hall.
I took a deep breath and faced Hayden. “Sorry about that,” I cleared my throat and made myself look Hayden in the eye. I had to do this. “Let’s, uh, sit out here.” I said directing him to the swing on the front porch.
We sat down, Hayden looking at the ground, staring intently as if something would suddenly pop out of it. Hayden was wearing black jeans, his chucks, and a white V-neck. His hair was slightly tousled as if he had been wearing a hat that day. He looked so cute and I could feel an aching in my whole body, wanting him back.
“Um, so what are you here for you were saying?” hoping the conversation would distract me from that feeling. But, in some ways, it only made it worse.
“Was that you’re boyfriend?” he asked suddenly.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business until you tell me why you are at my house. I certainly have nothing to say to you. So what?” I inquired him, seeing I had to take initiative for him to just get to the point. I could already guess what it was about of course, getting me back. Nothing new.
“I just—I miss you so much Jade. I wasn’t even sure it was possible to miss someone like this. I’ll be sitting in my room at night thinking about you, not being able to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe,” he grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eye. “I remember, my life being so bright and feeling so amazing when you were in it. But now, without you, life had lost its glow. The things I used to be passionate about and take joy in doing seem merely not important because you aren’t with me. You aren’t with me being happy, or just talking to me. I miss our talks,” he smiled at me weakly, his smile not matching his eyes.
I could tell he was going to continue, but I interjected before he could. “I still don’t see how, you coming here and telling me all of this is going to change things. It’s not going to change what you did to me. What you did to us,” I fought back the tears, tired of crying.
“I know. I know it, okay? I fucked up. I fucked up big time. And I’m never going to be able to change that. I understand that, but can you? Everybody messes up sometimes. It’s called being human. And I’m trying so hard to make it up to you and to show you how sorry I am,” Hayden was speaking with so much passion in his voice, I knew it wasn’t bullshit this time. But that still didn’t change anything.
I shook my head, looking away from his stare. He squeezed my hand, still being held in his. “Look, I’m just going to tell you right now, I’m not perfect. I’m not, I’m shitty, I can be insensitive at times and I know you have a long list of things that are wrong with me. But I can tell you one thing that’s the truth and never going to change,” he tilted my chin over to him so I would look at him. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. You have no idea how much. And I don’t know why I did what I did, but I promise I will never ever do that to you ever again.”
I looked away again, watching the kids ride their bikes up and down my street, suddenly wishing I was still a little kid myself. Wishing I could go back to a time when life was all rainbows and happy smiling faces. Where I could close my eyes and imagine myself in a dreamland. I can’t do that now. I just wished I could go and play with them and pretend I was anyone but myself. Pretend I was anywhere but in this situation.
“Look, I may not be the best guy for you. I may not be the smartest, or the most handsome. But as long as I’m enough for you, that’s all I care about. If you can honestly look me in the eye and say that I’m absolutely the worst guy for you, I’ll leave you alone. But I promise no one is going to love you the way that I do in this moment right here and now.”
A tear slipped out of my eye. I blinked them shut, hoping to keep the rest of the ones behind the surface inside. I wiped the fresh tear away and thought of Val and how independent and strong she was, wishing I could be that way. I put up a show, making it seem that I am, but on the inside, I’m just a scared little girl.
I looked at Hayden, him searching my eyes for any signs of hope that I could one day forgive him and take him back. I don’t know if he saw a glimmer in my eyes but whether he did or not, I still said to him, “I need some time.”
He jumped up, “That’s good enough for me. Take all the time you need. Just please, think about it.” He held his finger up before running to his car and returning a minute later with pink roses, just like the last time I saw him. “I know the flowers make no difference, but I just wanted to do something nice for you. I saw them and they are what inspired me to just come over here and tell you exactly how I feel.” He handed them to me.
I sniffed them and nodded. Oliver peeked his head out, making us both look up at him. He eyed the roses before saying, “It’s been more than five minutes.” He left the doorway, leaving the door open for me.
“So, will you tell me if that’s your boyfriend?” he asked, his face withdrawn. Something was different about it.
“No. He’s just a,” I paused, “friend.”
“Oh,” I stood up. Hayden and I looked at each other awkwardly. “Well, I should be going,” he dangled his keys, playing with them in his hands.
“See ya,” I said, walking towards the door, roses in hand. I turned back and gave him one last look before walking inside and closing the door, letting all his words finally sink in.
“Jade! Just the girl I wanted to talk to!” her always chipper voice came through my phone when I answered.
“What’s up?” I asked her.
“Just at the mall, trying on some new summer dresses,” she replied.
“Why did you call me?” I asked her, Sandy and I were friends, but I only hung out with her if Dustin or Val were busy. It was nothing against her, of course.
“Well, I was wondering, since everyone else is busy tonight if you wanted to go to this party with me tonight. It was so great catching up with you the other week. We definitely need to hang out more often, and tonight could be the start. You can even invite Hayden to come along.”
Sandy went to a private school thirty minutes away so she wasn’t exactly in the loop when break-ups happen. “Oh, well I would love to come tonight. And me and Hayden, uh, broke up about a month ago, actually the night I saw you at the lake.” I told her, feeling awkward.
“Oh, that’s just too bad! Well, you know, I’m still dating Peter and he’s coming too. I can get him to bring a friend for you. Ooh, like remember Travis?”
Travis was this guy who Sandy and Peter tried to hook me up with before I dated Hayden. Let’s just say he was not my type. “Oh, thanks, that’s nice of you, but really I’m okay,” I responded a little too quickly.
“Why not?” she asked. “Do you have a new guy?”
I didn’t want to tell her no and make it seem like I was blowing off her friend, but I didn’t want to lie. Maybe I didn’t have to…
“You know what? Yes. Yes I do. I’m sure he’d love to come tonight,” I said.
“Oooh! What’s his name?” she gushed.
“Oliver,” I said, hoping this was a good idea.
“How did you meet him?” she just had to ask that question didn’t she?
“Um,” I hesitated. Well I certainly wasn’t going to say, He’s actually my step-brother. “The lake, actually,” I said instead.
“The lake? I wonder if I know him! Although the name doesn’t sound that familiar,” she paused; I guess thinking over to see if she knew him.
Crap. I hadn’t thought about the fact that people that Oliver knows would be at this party. Crap. What have I gotten myself into?
“Well, I gotta go, um, how are we getting there?” I asked her.
“I’ll text you the address. You have GPS, right?”
“Yeah,” I answered.
“Okay, well see you tonight!” she exclaimed.
“Bye,” I replied.
“Who was that?” a voice called out from behind me as soon as I hung up. I turned around seeing Oliver standing in my door way. The collar on his polo had one half up and the other down
“Sandy,” I walked over to him and fixed his shirt. “Why are you wearing this?” I asked, knowing it wasn’t his normal attire. But as soon as I fixed his collar and made it all go down, he reached up and turned it all up. I sighed and turned back to my room, going to my closet to pick out an outfit for tonight.
“I had to go to my probation officer today,” he said.
I turned away from my clothes to give him a look, “Probation officer? What are you on probation for?”
“Some stupid shit I got into last year,” he shrugged his shoulders and plopped down on my bed.
I changed the subject, knowing if I asked any more questions it could get awkward. “So, wanna go to a party tonight?”
“A party?”
“Yeah, a party. Ever been to one?”
“A few,” he answered seriously.
I rolled my eyes and picked out a summer dress. I held up to me and turned around, raising my eyebrows at Oliver. He shook his head. I hung the dress back out and pulled out another. He shook his head on that one too. The fifth dress he finally nodded on. I was pleased. The dress was one of my favorites. It was blue and had black see-through lace over the top, the blue showing through.
I smiled and shrugged out of my sweats. I pulled my tank top off watched Oliver, watching me. I pulled on the dress over my head and asked him to zip up the back. The dress fell a couple inches above my legs. After he zipped me up, he slapped me on the butt. I giggled and slapped him playfully on the chest. He pulled me down with him on the bed.
I had just gotten his shirt off when we heard the doorbell ring. I gave him a peck on the lips before pushing off of him and heading into the living room. I opened the door to find the one person on the planet I never wanted to see.
Hayden.
“Hayden,” I said, stepping back, feeling my heart break inside me again. For the past four weeks I’d barely seen Hayden at all and I was getting used to it. He eventually had stopped trying to talk to me and try to win me over, because he knew it wouldn’t help. Well, that and also the fact that Val, Johnny, and Dustin told him to stay away from me or they’d all beat his ass. “Um, what are you doing here?”
“I just—“ something from behind me, stopped him from finishing what he was going to say. I looked back and saw that it was Oliver, walking in, slipping his shirt on over his bare chest.
“What’s going on?” he asked before looking at Hayden and giving him a cold look. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I pushed Oliver back, “Please, give me five minutes with him,” I said, not wanting to cause a scene and kind of interested in what Hayden had to say to me this time.
Oliver stared into my eyes for a minute. Then he looked at Hayden, the coldness still in his eyes. Then he looked back at me. “Fine,” he turned away and headed back down the hall.
I took a deep breath and faced Hayden. “Sorry about that,” I cleared my throat and made myself look Hayden in the eye. I had to do this. “Let’s, uh, sit out here.” I said directing him to the swing on the front porch.
We sat down, Hayden looking at the ground, staring intently as if something would suddenly pop out of it. Hayden was wearing black jeans, his chucks, and a white V-neck. His hair was slightly tousled as if he had been wearing a hat that day. He looked so cute and I could feel an aching in my whole body, wanting him back.
“Um, so what are you here for you were saying?” hoping the conversation would distract me from that feeling. But, in some ways, it only made it worse.
“Was that you’re boyfriend?” he asked suddenly.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business until you tell me why you are at my house. I certainly have nothing to say to you. So what?” I inquired him, seeing I had to take initiative for him to just get to the point. I could already guess what it was about of course, getting me back. Nothing new.
“I just—I miss you so much Jade. I wasn’t even sure it was possible to miss someone like this. I’ll be sitting in my room at night thinking about you, not being able to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe,” he grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eye. “I remember, my life being so bright and feeling so amazing when you were in it. But now, without you, life had lost its glow. The things I used to be passionate about and take joy in doing seem merely not important because you aren’t with me. You aren’t with me being happy, or just talking to me. I miss our talks,” he smiled at me weakly, his smile not matching his eyes.
I could tell he was going to continue, but I interjected before he could. “I still don’t see how, you coming here and telling me all of this is going to change things. It’s not going to change what you did to me. What you did to us,” I fought back the tears, tired of crying.
“I know. I know it, okay? I fucked up. I fucked up big time. And I’m never going to be able to change that. I understand that, but can you? Everybody messes up sometimes. It’s called being human. And I’m trying so hard to make it up to you and to show you how sorry I am,” Hayden was speaking with so much passion in his voice, I knew it wasn’t bullshit this time. But that still didn’t change anything.
I shook my head, looking away from his stare. He squeezed my hand, still being held in his. “Look, I’m just going to tell you right now, I’m not perfect. I’m not, I’m shitty, I can be insensitive at times and I know you have a long list of things that are wrong with me. But I can tell you one thing that’s the truth and never going to change,” he tilted my chin over to him so I would look at him. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. You have no idea how much. And I don’t know why I did what I did, but I promise I will never ever do that to you ever again.”
I looked away again, watching the kids ride their bikes up and down my street, suddenly wishing I was still a little kid myself. Wishing I could go back to a time when life was all rainbows and happy smiling faces. Where I could close my eyes and imagine myself in a dreamland. I can’t do that now. I just wished I could go and play with them and pretend I was anyone but myself. Pretend I was anywhere but in this situation.
“Look, I may not be the best guy for you. I may not be the smartest, or the most handsome. But as long as I’m enough for you, that’s all I care about. If you can honestly look me in the eye and say that I’m absolutely the worst guy for you, I’ll leave you alone. But I promise no one is going to love you the way that I do in this moment right here and now.”
A tear slipped out of my eye. I blinked them shut, hoping to keep the rest of the ones behind the surface inside. I wiped the fresh tear away and thought of Val and how independent and strong she was, wishing I could be that way. I put up a show, making it seem that I am, but on the inside, I’m just a scared little girl.
I looked at Hayden, him searching my eyes for any signs of hope that I could one day forgive him and take him back. I don’t know if he saw a glimmer in my eyes but whether he did or not, I still said to him, “I need some time.”
He jumped up, “That’s good enough for me. Take all the time you need. Just please, think about it.” He held his finger up before running to his car and returning a minute later with pink roses, just like the last time I saw him. “I know the flowers make no difference, but I just wanted to do something nice for you. I saw them and they are what inspired me to just come over here and tell you exactly how I feel.” He handed them to me.
I sniffed them and nodded. Oliver peeked his head out, making us both look up at him. He eyed the roses before saying, “It’s been more than five minutes.” He left the doorway, leaving the door open for me.
“So, will you tell me if that’s your boyfriend?” he asked, his face withdrawn. Something was different about it.
“No. He’s just a,” I paused, “friend.”
“Oh,” I stood up. Hayden and I looked at each other awkwardly. “Well, I should be going,” he dangled his keys, playing with them in his hands.
“See ya,” I said, walking towards the door, roses in hand. I turned back and gave him one last look before walking inside and closing the door, letting all his words finally sink in.