Divine Chaos
14
I woke up to Hayden’s face, his hazel eyes looking, boring into mine. He smiled at me and pushed back the hair behind my ear that had fallen in my face. “Hello sweetie,” he said softly.
“Hi,” I looked around the room. The sun was casting in, turning his room a soft yellow. I saw his dirty clothes strung all over the floor, like usual. His TV, Xbox on top, was on but muted. Everything looked the same but for some reason I thought it would look different. I thought about my room and how different it looked without the presence of him there, like he didn’t even exist.
I got up quickly, having to put some space between me and him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up.
“I can’t do this,” I shook my head.
“Can’t do what? We weren’t doing anything!” he argued.
“I can’t do it, Hayden! I can’t be in the same bed with you and pretend like nothing has happened, like this past month has meant nothing!”
He sighed, “But, last night…I thought..”
“You thought what?” I paused. He said nothing. “What did you think? That just because I came in here and let you hold me changes anything? It changes nothing! It doesn’t change the fact that you cheated on me with that fucking whore!” I was crying now, anger tears.
He jumped up out of his bed, “God Jade! I told you that I was fucking sorry! What more do you want from me?” When I didn’t answer him, not knowing what to say he continued, “Do you want me to beg? Huh?”
He came over and got on his knees. He took my hand in his and looked up at me, those hazel eyes that could pierce straight through you to your soul it seems like. “Jade, please. Take me back! Take me back please.”
I looked down at him, “Get up,” he ignored me of course. I sighed, looked away from him. He squeezed my hand and I looked back down. There were real actual tears in his eyes. That broke me. It broke my heart in two.
My face crumpled. I pulled my hand out of his and covered up my face. He stood up and took me into his arms. I sobbed into his shoulder. Then, like a volcano had just erupted inside me, I felt this anger rise up out of me, I couldn’t stop it. All of a sudden I was hitting him. I was beating on his chest, pushing him away. He tried to pull me back in but I resisted. I hit him, letting out all my frustration until I was breathing hard.
“Why?” I kept screaming at him. “Why did you ruin everything? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you…” then we were both crying.
I escaped from his hold and out of his room, down the stairs and out the door. I didn’t care that I looked like crap or that I had nowhere to go, I just ran. Once I felt like I was a safe distance away from his house I called Val, the sobs hiccupping out of me now. I told her where I was and she said she’d be here in less than ten minutes.
When Val, pulled up her face shone concern and a little anger, “Can you tell me why you are all the way over here?”
I sniffled and told her the whole story. I told her about what happened at the party and me snapping on Oliver, how I called Hayden to pick me up because I had nowhere to go, he took me to his house and I was weak, jumping into bed with him. She shook her head the whole time and on that last part I knew she wanted to say something, but whatever she wanted to say, she kept to herself.
“Well, what are you going to do now?” she asked while we were stopped at a red light.
“I have no idea,” I looked out the window at the sky. It was perfect, cloudless.
Val sighed and gave my shoulder a squeeze before the light turned green and she accelerated forwards. “Maybe you need to be with neither.”
She said it so fast and low that I barely heard her, “What?”
She cleared her throat and continued, “I said maybe neither of them is the one for you. Look, Hayden’s a cheater and Oliver’s your step-brother. And you’re a beautiful girl. You’ve been so worried about the two of them, you barely notice all the guys around you checkin’ you out since you and Hayden broke up.”
“Oh really? Like who?” I asked in disbelief.
“Like Randy in our Home Ec class and Quinton that hung out with us at the lake all the time. He tried to talk to you and you barely said two words to him,” she said pointedly. “Oh, and not to mention that hottie that works the grill at you’re work!”
“Daniel?” I asked.
“Yes! Remember how I came to work on Tuesday after school?” I nodded, “Well, he was flirting with us, well mainly you, the whole time! And he is so cute. I saw how he looked at you in that little school-girl uniform!” she nudged me and I laughed.
“Whatever, you know I hate wearing that,” I said smiling.
“Well, Daniel my friend, loves it,” she gave me a devious look.
I laughed again, thinking about Daniel, “Well, he is pretty hot.”
“See! You and Hayden just broke things off and you were already worried about another guy. You need to be single for a little while. Being single is fun and you haven’t been that way in a long time. Take time to find yourself again. You’ve spent way to long being ‘Hayden’s girl’. Wake up that inner animal inside of you girl!” I couldn’t help but laugh.
And it was then that I realized she was absolutely right.
********
3 months later
“Fold,” my dad said, putting his cards down resentfully.
“Haha! Full house!” I slammed my cards down on the table, face up, so excited that I had finally won that I jumped out of my seat, knocking the wooden chair behind me.
“Okay, okay, so you won. Once. Big deal,” he joked, getting up from the table and grabbing another beer from the refrigerator. I laughed at him and grabbed a Coke.
About a week after I left Hayden’s house I got in contact with my dad. It took a while for my mom to let me go, but she eventually agreed and I moved in with my dad. I didn’t know how long I was going to stay, but it felt amazing to get away. Of course it didn’t stop the text messages from Hayden and Oliver but they eventually slowed down to three times a week after the first month. I hardly ever get a word from either of them now, fortunately.
After popping the top on my Coke and taking a big sip I told dad good night and hurried to my room. My phone rang and I pulled it out of my back pocket. “Val!” I exclaimed as I read the caller ID
“OMG I miss you!” she gushed into the phone. I hadn’t talked to her in two weeks. My dad was three hours away so Val hadn’t been able to see me since I left.
“I know!” I frowned, realizing how much I really did miss my best friend.
“But guess what,” she said, her voice making me a little homesick.
“What?”
“I’m coming up there!”
“What?” I asked, not processing what she was saying right away. “Here? When?”
“Yes! Tomorrow,” her voice was filled with excitement. “I mean, unless you have plans…” she trailed off
“No, no plans. Just come!” I exclaimed.
I resisted the urge to scream and failed. We stayed up the rest of the night talking and laughing. It felt good to reunite with her. I still hadn’t met a lot of people here in Meridian and it was good to know I still had a friend. After saying good night almost two hours later, I fell asleep quickly. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.
I woke up extra early to clean up a little before Val arrived even though I knew she could care less. I still wanted things to look nice. My dad woke up an hour later as I was vacuuming the living room.
“Why the noise, which woke me up by the way?” he had a major case of bedhead and it was hard not to laugh at him.
“My friend from Norwalk is coming over. You remember Val, right?” I asked sure that he did. When was Val not at my house?
“Yeah, of course. The loud one,” he padded off into the kitchen to start the coffee. I laughed and went back to cleaning.
The blinds were open and I saw the mail truck pull up to the mailbox at the end of my dad’s driveway, pause, and carry on. “Mail’s here.”
“I’ll get it,” he said, heading outside in his pajamas. I couldn’t help but laugh at my dad’s silliness. I knew why my mom married him. He was just charming in a weird way. It might come off creepy on some people but he just worked it. He wasn’t bad looking either and he was relaxed, completely different from my mom.
I unplugged the vacuum, rolling the cord up the side of it and placing it back in the closet of the living room. My dad returned. He was flipping through a thick pile of mail, throwing almost half of it in the garbage. Junk. Then, he turned to me, eyebrows raised.
“Who is Hayden Montgomery?”
“What? Um, a friend. Why?” I asked, alarmed.
“He sent you a letter,” he held out a white envelope, still giving me a weird look.
I hesitated before grabbing it out of his hand and looking at it, making sure he made no mistake of who the sender was. He shrugged eventually and headed back into the kitchen when he saw that the coffee was done.
I excused myself, and headed back to my room, wanting some privacy. I placed the envelope on the night stand and sat on my bed, staring at it, wondering if I should open it, or burn it.
The curiosity took the best of me and suddenly I was reaching out and grabbing for it, tearing it open. It was just a plain letter, his handwriting looked familiar and it was actually pretty good for a guy.
Dearest Jade,
I have no right to be writing you. You don’t want me to talk to you; you’ve made that clear by ignoring my texts and phone calls. This is just one last try. One last effort and then I’ll be completely out of your life if you want. I’m sorry, you know that already of course. I just wanted to say it again. You are the most important person in my life and I hate losing you. But these past 3 month, with you so far away has been hard. If you just tell me one last time, either by replying by letter, text, call, or even in person, that you really don’t want me anymore and that you want me to move on out of your life I think I’ll be able to let you go fully. I just need to hear it one last time.
I love you with all my heart Jade. I hope you never forget that. Cheating on you was the biggest mistake of my life and I’ll hate myself for it forever. If you hate me I understand, but I can feel that you don’t. It’s like this electric current connecting our hearts together. Do you feel it too? You still love me Jade. I know you do. But the question is, do you love me enough to forgive me and take me back? Let me know. I’ll be waiting.
Love you princess,
Hayden
“Valerie Hernandez has arrived ladies and gents!” I heard Val’s voice as she sauntered into my room dramatically and clunked her luggage on the floor but it all seemed so distant, like she was in the other room. “Jade? What is it?”
I was still looking down at Hayden’s letter. I held it out to her and she read it silently to herself. “This boy just doesn’t give up does he?” she asked after she read it and then folded the letter back up and handed it back to me before sitting on the bed beside me. “So, what you gonna do?”
“I’m gonna call him tonight, tell him it’s done. I’ve moved on,” I said half-heartedly. Val gave me a look. “What?”
“Get real! You love him and you’ve never stopped loving him since the day you two met!” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“He cheated! Remember?” I asked her.
“So? Give the poor guy a freaking break,” she said.
“Excuse me? You’re the one that told me I need to cut of his balls and feed them to him. And that’s a direct quote,” I asked, wondering where all this was coming from.
“I did say that, but look, I’ve never seen a boy try so hard to get his girl back in my life. He wouldn’t try that hard if he didn’t mean it. I mean, give him a second chance.”
“What about the whole single speech you gave me? Where is that now?”
“Oh girl, you are miserable. I can see it all over your face. And I’d rather you take him back then not and be sad. You haven’t moved on, and you probably never will. Like he said, your hearts are connected. By the way, he is so damn deep. I never knew that about him,” she said, as if coming to this realization.
I sighed knowing she was so right. “I just don’t want to give into him, give him a second chance and then get hurt all over again.”
“Why does that have to be a possibility?” she asked.
I had nothing to say to that. We sat in silence for a minute before she jumped up, “Okay, enough with the serious! She rushed over to the mirror and began fixing her hair. She looked too over done for a small town like this. “What’s there to do for fun around here anyways?”
I just watched her, not being able to answer that question. She turned slowly, her mouth slightly agape. “Don’t tell me…” she trailed off as her eyes got bigger in horror.
“Wanna watch paint dry?” I asked.
“Isn’t Waterbury a couple of minutes away?” Val asked suddenly. I could see her mind ticking, always finding a way to have fun.
“Yeah about twenty minutes I guess. Why?”
She reached into her bag and pulled out her wallet, reaching inside and throwing something at me. I caught it and saw that it was a fake ID. My picture was there, and it listed me as Jennifer Smalls, age 22. I gave her a look.
“Wanna go clubbing?” she grinned.
“How did you get this?” I asked. But it actually looked pretty legit. I examined it, pulling out my own to see the differences.
“Friend of a friend,” she replied as if it were no big deal.
“I don’t even think I can pull of looking like I’m twenty two.” I stared at disbelief at her. But inside, my stomach had butterflies. I wanted to dance and it had been a while since me and Val had snuck in anywhere.
“Well, not yet, but wait ‘til I’m done with you.
I got up and joined her in the mirror. “I do hair, you do make up.”
“Deal,” she agreed.
“Hi,” I looked around the room. The sun was casting in, turning his room a soft yellow. I saw his dirty clothes strung all over the floor, like usual. His TV, Xbox on top, was on but muted. Everything looked the same but for some reason I thought it would look different. I thought about my room and how different it looked without the presence of him there, like he didn’t even exist.
I got up quickly, having to put some space between me and him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up.
“I can’t do this,” I shook my head.
“Can’t do what? We weren’t doing anything!” he argued.
“I can’t do it, Hayden! I can’t be in the same bed with you and pretend like nothing has happened, like this past month has meant nothing!”
He sighed, “But, last night…I thought..”
“You thought what?” I paused. He said nothing. “What did you think? That just because I came in here and let you hold me changes anything? It changes nothing! It doesn’t change the fact that you cheated on me with that fucking whore!” I was crying now, anger tears.
He jumped up out of his bed, “God Jade! I told you that I was fucking sorry! What more do you want from me?” When I didn’t answer him, not knowing what to say he continued, “Do you want me to beg? Huh?”
He came over and got on his knees. He took my hand in his and looked up at me, those hazel eyes that could pierce straight through you to your soul it seems like. “Jade, please. Take me back! Take me back please.”
I looked down at him, “Get up,” he ignored me of course. I sighed, looked away from him. He squeezed my hand and I looked back down. There were real actual tears in his eyes. That broke me. It broke my heart in two.
My face crumpled. I pulled my hand out of his and covered up my face. He stood up and took me into his arms. I sobbed into his shoulder. Then, like a volcano had just erupted inside me, I felt this anger rise up out of me, I couldn’t stop it. All of a sudden I was hitting him. I was beating on his chest, pushing him away. He tried to pull me back in but I resisted. I hit him, letting out all my frustration until I was breathing hard.
“Why?” I kept screaming at him. “Why did you ruin everything? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you…” then we were both crying.
I escaped from his hold and out of his room, down the stairs and out the door. I didn’t care that I looked like crap or that I had nowhere to go, I just ran. Once I felt like I was a safe distance away from his house I called Val, the sobs hiccupping out of me now. I told her where I was and she said she’d be here in less than ten minutes.
When Val, pulled up her face shone concern and a little anger, “Can you tell me why you are all the way over here?”
I sniffled and told her the whole story. I told her about what happened at the party and me snapping on Oliver, how I called Hayden to pick me up because I had nowhere to go, he took me to his house and I was weak, jumping into bed with him. She shook her head the whole time and on that last part I knew she wanted to say something, but whatever she wanted to say, she kept to herself.
“Well, what are you going to do now?” she asked while we were stopped at a red light.
“I have no idea,” I looked out the window at the sky. It was perfect, cloudless.
Val sighed and gave my shoulder a squeeze before the light turned green and she accelerated forwards. “Maybe you need to be with neither.”
She said it so fast and low that I barely heard her, “What?”
She cleared her throat and continued, “I said maybe neither of them is the one for you. Look, Hayden’s a cheater and Oliver’s your step-brother. And you’re a beautiful girl. You’ve been so worried about the two of them, you barely notice all the guys around you checkin’ you out since you and Hayden broke up.”
“Oh really? Like who?” I asked in disbelief.
“Like Randy in our Home Ec class and Quinton that hung out with us at the lake all the time. He tried to talk to you and you barely said two words to him,” she said pointedly. “Oh, and not to mention that hottie that works the grill at you’re work!”
“Daniel?” I asked.
“Yes! Remember how I came to work on Tuesday after school?” I nodded, “Well, he was flirting with us, well mainly you, the whole time! And he is so cute. I saw how he looked at you in that little school-girl uniform!” she nudged me and I laughed.
“Whatever, you know I hate wearing that,” I said smiling.
“Well, Daniel my friend, loves it,” she gave me a devious look.
I laughed again, thinking about Daniel, “Well, he is pretty hot.”
“See! You and Hayden just broke things off and you were already worried about another guy. You need to be single for a little while. Being single is fun and you haven’t been that way in a long time. Take time to find yourself again. You’ve spent way to long being ‘Hayden’s girl’. Wake up that inner animal inside of you girl!” I couldn’t help but laugh.
And it was then that I realized she was absolutely right.
********
3 months later
“Fold,” my dad said, putting his cards down resentfully.
“Haha! Full house!” I slammed my cards down on the table, face up, so excited that I had finally won that I jumped out of my seat, knocking the wooden chair behind me.
“Okay, okay, so you won. Once. Big deal,” he joked, getting up from the table and grabbing another beer from the refrigerator. I laughed at him and grabbed a Coke.
About a week after I left Hayden’s house I got in contact with my dad. It took a while for my mom to let me go, but she eventually agreed and I moved in with my dad. I didn’t know how long I was going to stay, but it felt amazing to get away. Of course it didn’t stop the text messages from Hayden and Oliver but they eventually slowed down to three times a week after the first month. I hardly ever get a word from either of them now, fortunately.
After popping the top on my Coke and taking a big sip I told dad good night and hurried to my room. My phone rang and I pulled it out of my back pocket. “Val!” I exclaimed as I read the caller ID
“OMG I miss you!” she gushed into the phone. I hadn’t talked to her in two weeks. My dad was three hours away so Val hadn’t been able to see me since I left.
“I know!” I frowned, realizing how much I really did miss my best friend.
“But guess what,” she said, her voice making me a little homesick.
“What?”
“I’m coming up there!”
“What?” I asked, not processing what she was saying right away. “Here? When?”
“Yes! Tomorrow,” her voice was filled with excitement. “I mean, unless you have plans…” she trailed off
“No, no plans. Just come!” I exclaimed.
I resisted the urge to scream and failed. We stayed up the rest of the night talking and laughing. It felt good to reunite with her. I still hadn’t met a lot of people here in Meridian and it was good to know I still had a friend. After saying good night almost two hours later, I fell asleep quickly. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.
I woke up extra early to clean up a little before Val arrived even though I knew she could care less. I still wanted things to look nice. My dad woke up an hour later as I was vacuuming the living room.
“Why the noise, which woke me up by the way?” he had a major case of bedhead and it was hard not to laugh at him.
“My friend from Norwalk is coming over. You remember Val, right?” I asked sure that he did. When was Val not at my house?
“Yeah, of course. The loud one,” he padded off into the kitchen to start the coffee. I laughed and went back to cleaning.
The blinds were open and I saw the mail truck pull up to the mailbox at the end of my dad’s driveway, pause, and carry on. “Mail’s here.”
“I’ll get it,” he said, heading outside in his pajamas. I couldn’t help but laugh at my dad’s silliness. I knew why my mom married him. He was just charming in a weird way. It might come off creepy on some people but he just worked it. He wasn’t bad looking either and he was relaxed, completely different from my mom.
I unplugged the vacuum, rolling the cord up the side of it and placing it back in the closet of the living room. My dad returned. He was flipping through a thick pile of mail, throwing almost half of it in the garbage. Junk. Then, he turned to me, eyebrows raised.
“Who is Hayden Montgomery?”
“What? Um, a friend. Why?” I asked, alarmed.
“He sent you a letter,” he held out a white envelope, still giving me a weird look.
I hesitated before grabbing it out of his hand and looking at it, making sure he made no mistake of who the sender was. He shrugged eventually and headed back into the kitchen when he saw that the coffee was done.
I excused myself, and headed back to my room, wanting some privacy. I placed the envelope on the night stand and sat on my bed, staring at it, wondering if I should open it, or burn it.
The curiosity took the best of me and suddenly I was reaching out and grabbing for it, tearing it open. It was just a plain letter, his handwriting looked familiar and it was actually pretty good for a guy.
Dearest Jade,
I have no right to be writing you. You don’t want me to talk to you; you’ve made that clear by ignoring my texts and phone calls. This is just one last try. One last effort and then I’ll be completely out of your life if you want. I’m sorry, you know that already of course. I just wanted to say it again. You are the most important person in my life and I hate losing you. But these past 3 month, with you so far away has been hard. If you just tell me one last time, either by replying by letter, text, call, or even in person, that you really don’t want me anymore and that you want me to move on out of your life I think I’ll be able to let you go fully. I just need to hear it one last time.
I love you with all my heart Jade. I hope you never forget that. Cheating on you was the biggest mistake of my life and I’ll hate myself for it forever. If you hate me I understand, but I can feel that you don’t. It’s like this electric current connecting our hearts together. Do you feel it too? You still love me Jade. I know you do. But the question is, do you love me enough to forgive me and take me back? Let me know. I’ll be waiting.
Love you princess,
Hayden
“Valerie Hernandez has arrived ladies and gents!” I heard Val’s voice as she sauntered into my room dramatically and clunked her luggage on the floor but it all seemed so distant, like she was in the other room. “Jade? What is it?”
I was still looking down at Hayden’s letter. I held it out to her and she read it silently to herself. “This boy just doesn’t give up does he?” she asked after she read it and then folded the letter back up and handed it back to me before sitting on the bed beside me. “So, what you gonna do?”
“I’m gonna call him tonight, tell him it’s done. I’ve moved on,” I said half-heartedly. Val gave me a look. “What?”
“Get real! You love him and you’ve never stopped loving him since the day you two met!” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“He cheated! Remember?” I asked her.
“So? Give the poor guy a freaking break,” she said.
“Excuse me? You’re the one that told me I need to cut of his balls and feed them to him. And that’s a direct quote,” I asked, wondering where all this was coming from.
“I did say that, but look, I’ve never seen a boy try so hard to get his girl back in my life. He wouldn’t try that hard if he didn’t mean it. I mean, give him a second chance.”
“What about the whole single speech you gave me? Where is that now?”
“Oh girl, you are miserable. I can see it all over your face. And I’d rather you take him back then not and be sad. You haven’t moved on, and you probably never will. Like he said, your hearts are connected. By the way, he is so damn deep. I never knew that about him,” she said, as if coming to this realization.
I sighed knowing she was so right. “I just don’t want to give into him, give him a second chance and then get hurt all over again.”
“Why does that have to be a possibility?” she asked.
I had nothing to say to that. We sat in silence for a minute before she jumped up, “Okay, enough with the serious! She rushed over to the mirror and began fixing her hair. She looked too over done for a small town like this. “What’s there to do for fun around here anyways?”
I just watched her, not being able to answer that question. She turned slowly, her mouth slightly agape. “Don’t tell me…” she trailed off as her eyes got bigger in horror.
“Wanna watch paint dry?” I asked.
“Isn’t Waterbury a couple of minutes away?” Val asked suddenly. I could see her mind ticking, always finding a way to have fun.
“Yeah about twenty minutes I guess. Why?”
She reached into her bag and pulled out her wallet, reaching inside and throwing something at me. I caught it and saw that it was a fake ID. My picture was there, and it listed me as Jennifer Smalls, age 22. I gave her a look.
“Wanna go clubbing?” she grinned.
“How did you get this?” I asked. But it actually looked pretty legit. I examined it, pulling out my own to see the differences.
“Friend of a friend,” she replied as if it were no big deal.
“I don’t even think I can pull of looking like I’m twenty two.” I stared at disbelief at her. But inside, my stomach had butterflies. I wanted to dance and it had been a while since me and Val had snuck in anywhere.
“Well, not yet, but wait ‘til I’m done with you.
I got up and joined her in the mirror. “I do hair, you do make up.”
“Deal,” she agreed.