Divine Chaos

It was a clear and perfect night and I wished I had a telescope to give me a closer look at the twinkling beauties above me. With the moon full, and shining down smiling upon us, I got up, wanting to walk somewhere.

“Hey,” I interrupted Val and Johnny talking.
“Where are you going?” Val asked, she took a sip of her beer.
I shrugged my shoulder, “Just going to go walk around the lake.”
“You want me to go with you?” she asked, getting ready to get up.
“No, no—“ I said stopping her. “It’s fine.”
“Okay, well we’ll be here,” she said waving me off.

I started around the lake, having to step over couples and under the volleyball net. There was guy a couple of feet ahead of me walking too. He must have had the same idea as me. Suddenly I wondered why he decided to walk. Maybe he has a lot on his mind or maybe he was sad. Maybe he just got dumped. I wondered what his story was. And then I started wondering why I was wondering all of this.

I guess if I just knew someone felt what I was feeling or was going through what I was going through I would feel a little better. If only I had someone to relate to me and my situation or at least someone to talk to who would actually listen. I got a text message then, and my phone chimed in my pocket loudly making the guy walking in front of me turn back.

It was Oliver. He had one ear bud in his ear, his iPhone in his hand. He stopped in his tracks, squinting his eyes to making sure it was me. My phone chimed again and I grabbed it out of my back pocket and hitting the side button to cut it off.

“Are you following me?” he asked when I caught up to him.
“What?” I asked, shocked that he would accuse me of that. “No, I was walking around the lake and you happened to be walking in front of me.”
“Well why are you walking around the lake?” he asked. We now were walking side by side.
“Why were you walking?” I challenged back.
“Just had to clear my head,” he replied.
I stared at him for a while, trying to figure him out. “What?” he asked when he noticed.
“Nothing,” I said looking away. “Me too.”

“So have you made up your mind?” he questioned after a moment of silence.
“About what?” I asked confused.
“Whether you like me or not,” he said, giving me a grin.
“Mmmmmm,” I said thinking. “I’m still not sure.”
He chuckled and then asked, “Well is there any way I can help you decide?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Can I ask you some questions?”
He thought and then responded with, “Some sounds too indefinite. I’ll give you five?” he offered.
“Okay,” I said. I tried to think of my first question. I didn’t want to ask something too generic like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ but I also didn’t want to ask something too personal such as ‘How many partners have you been sexually active with?’.

“You got a girlfriend?” I started out with first.
“Nah,” he responded.
“Why not?” I probed.
“Does this count as your second question?” he asked.
“Um…sure,” I replied.
He thought for a second and then said, “I don’t know, I just haven’t met the right girl for me yet I guess.”
“How very cliché of you to say,” I told him.
“I know, but it’s true. I was with this girl named Natasha, and I was totally in love with her. I thought she was the one, but it just didn’t work out. Now I’m just not sure if the one is really out there.”

“Mmmmmm,” I chewed on this before asking my third question. “You came out here to think you say, and what were you thinking about?”
“Natasha and my dad and this whole marriage thing, and just random stuff I guess.”
“Oh, yeah I’ve been thinking about our parents too. I just think it’s crazy.”
“Yeah, I mean it’s like I’m happy for my dad, but he’s being so selfish. He hasn’t once asked me how I feel about this whole situation. He’s not thinking about me at all and about the fact that I have to leave all my friends and go to a completely different school,” his voice was full of frustration and I honestly felt his pain.
“I feel exactly the same way. It’s been the exact same thing with my mom. She barely even knows your dad, and not to mention that the divorce still hasn’t been finalized against my dad.” I blurted the last part out without thinking.

“What? Are you serious?” Oliver asked in disbelief.
“Oops! Please don’t tell your dad yet. Please!” I begged him.
“I won’t but that is jacked up,” he said. We were more than halfway around the lake now.
“Yeah I know, but my mom is working on it. I just wish she would wait a while for the wedding. I just don’t understand how she’s going to plan a wedding and make it happen in only two months.” I shook my head. It felt so good to vent with someone. This is exactly what I asked and wished for. I already felt a bit better that someone other than myself agreed that this was nonsense.
“I don’t know either,” Oliver said. “Dad has already turned in our two weeks’ notice at the apartments we live in.”
“Dang,” I sighed. We walked in silence for a while but I broke it first.

“So, fourth question. Are you ready for this?” I gave him a glare, challenging him once again.
He took a deep breath in and out and nodded.
I laughed at how dramatic he was and then asked, “So, how do you feel about me?”
“I think I kinda sort of know but I’m not really sure like you but not really,” he responded after a pause.
I laughed again at his confusing answer.
“And what about me? Do I pass?” he asked me.
“Well I don’t know. I still have one last question,” I couldn’t help but grin at his grimace.
“Shoot,” he said determined to answer right.
I thought for a moment. “Nah, I think I’ll just save it for later,” I replied.
“Like when?” he asked.
We had already made it around the entire lake and Val called for me, saying it was time to go. I told her to hold on and then turned back to Oliver
“I don’t know. But you better be prepared.” I winked at him and ran off towards Val.

“Who was that? He looks like he has the hots for you.” she teased me as we gathered our things together and got ready to leave.
“What? No he doesn’t!”
“Whatever Jade. Listen, a girl can tell when a guy is into her. And you should’ve seen it. The way he looked at you and checked you out as you ran away. Whew!” I thought Val was kidding but she sounded serious.
“No way Val,” I assured her. “Besides, he’s my future step-brother. Believe me, nothing is there between us. I JUST met him like two days ago. And hello? I’m not even on the market to begin with. Have you forgotten about Hayden?”
“Hey, you never know! Some people like to roll that way. You know? Like people in Arkansas?” I laughed at her and we piled the rest of our things in the back of the jeep. We decided I would drive since I only had two drinks.

Val fell asleep almost immediately, one foot out the open window, and the other on the dashboard, leaving me alone with nothing but my thoughts around me and the clear, open sky of stars above me.

When it was about twelve I was just rolling back into Norwalk. Hayden and I had been sending messages back and forth for the past half hour but he stopped responding. Val was still asleep so I decided to drop by Hayden’s house. As I pulled up in front of Hayden’s house I found that his window was lit up which means he was probably up still.

I parked the car and got out, not slamming the door to hard as to wake Val up. I crept around the car and up the lawn, going for the direction of his window. As I approached I lifted my hand to knock lightly on the window when something caught my eye. The blinds were slanted, not completely closed, and I could still see through them.

I saw Hayden, his blonde hair, his big smile. But what was he smiling at? I looked over in the direction he was looking. A bleach blonde girl was standing across the room, in nothing but a tank top and skimpy panties. She was talking to him, making him laugh. My mouth was dropped open in shock, my jaws locked in place. Tears filled my eyes as I realized what was happening, as I was piecing together the pieces. As the jigsaw pieces created this one big puzzle, that spelled the word… cheater.

I didn’t want to see this. I didn’t want to watch as he got up and walked over to her, taking her in his arms like he had taken me just the day before. I didn’t want to watch as he kissed her, trailing kisses from her mouth, down her neck, and to her chest, making her giggle. I didn’t want to see it, but I couldn’t stop watching. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it. But yet every second broke my heart more.

The tears that had only began to come to the surface a few seconds ago now were spilling over the rim and running down my face. A breeze came by; chilling the trail they left down my face. I let out a sob that came from somewhere deep inside me. They pulled apart and looked around. They must have heard me. So I ran from the window and to the van before they could look out the window and see me, and my tears they caused.

I switched the car into drive and pulled away from the curb, tires squealing, so fast that I woke Val up. She looked around her for a moment, trying to figure out where she was. One look at me and my tear soaked face and sat up fast.

“What happened?” she asked looking around for what might have caused this reaction from me.
I shook my head and sucked in a breath, holding in the sob that was coming up my throat. “He…he…he…” I couldn’t get it out. I kept sucking in gasps, still not able to catch my breath.
“Who?” Val asked, still confused.
“Hayden,” I answered. I took in a deep breath my voice quivering the whole time, “Hayden, he’s cheating.” I croaked on the last word, which worked up another set of tears.
“With who?” she asked, her voice filled with hate.
“I-I don’t know her name. I just saw them,” I stifled another sob at the memory of them together. That should be me, not her. Those arms where mine to be wrapped around. The spaces between his fingers were meant for me. My hand had been molded to fit perfectly in his.
“When? Where?” she asked again. “I am so lost!”
“I went by his house and saw them through his window just now,” the statement came out as one big word.

I started blubbering and Val made me pull over. We switched seats and she insisted that I stay with her for the night. After a few minutes of persuading me, I finally agreed, not being able to stop crying no matter how much I wanted to. We dropped by my house so I could grab what I needed to stay overnight. I prayed that my mom wasn’t up and the gods were on my side once again tonight.

My room was almost impossible to go into because I knew when I entered I’d see pictures of us together and I knew I couldn’t take it. So, I left the light off. I ran inside keeping my head down and grabbing whatever I could find. I didn’t even care. It’s not like I had anyone to impress anymore.

Five minutes later, I emerged from the house and back to Val’s car. We drove off, her trying to calm me down and soothe me with words, but it was like she was speaking a foreign language to me. When we arrived at her house she led me back to her room and then disappeared going back down the hall where we had just came from. She returned a couple minutes later with two big bowls of chocolate ice cream.

“We are in a code red, code red, break-up mode being activated now.” Val’s voice mimicked that of a robot.

My tears mixed in with ice cream, creating a salty-sweet flavor. I ate three bowls of it. You’d think that ice cream would make you feel better but it only made me feel fat and dumped.

“What’s wrong with me Val? Am I ugly or annoying or something? What did I do? Do I not give him everything? Do I not appreciate him enough? Do I not satisfy his needs? I mean, I don’t understand what could drive him away to another girl when I gave him everything.”

Val put both hands on my shoulder, making me meet eye contact with her. “Listen to me Jade. Listen. You are beautiful and gorgeous and there is nothing wrong with you! He’s the one with the problem if he really is going to cheat on a girl like you. But don’t worry, he’ll learn one day what he’s missing. He’ll realize what he did. But as for you, you are fine. And one day a guy is going to come along and treat you better than that scumbag ever did.”

Her pep talk helped a lot, but didn’t seal the wounds my heart still felt. I thanked her for it anyways. I was so glad to have a friend like her. Those words coming from anyone else would seem meaningless, but when they came from Val, I knew she wasn’t lying.

And finally, after I finished crying and listening to Val talking about how she was going to “hunt the blonde bimbo down and pounce on her ass”, I felt exhausted. I fell asleep in less than ten minutes, grateful for a safe haven to give myself over to where there was no heartbreak, no lies, and absolutely no cheaters.