Divine Chaos

Monday morning came along and I seriously thought of staying home. I didn’t want to go to school and I didn’t want to face him. It all just felt like too much for me to handle. I still hadn’t stopped crying since the whole thing happened and what’s worse is that he doesn’t even know I know. How am I supposed to tell him? How can I go to school and act like everything is normal? He’d texted me five times yesterday when I didn’t answer and called about ten. Why was he so worried when he’s got her?

My phone chimed, a text from Hayden popping up, interrupting my thought and my tears.

Can’t wait 2 c ur beautiful face 2day. ;)

I deleted the message and started crying all over again, knowing this was bullshit. That everything he says to me is a complete lie. Everything he said to me is a complete lie. From the very beginning. I shook my head, wondering how I could be so stupid as to think that we were actually going to be together forever, for thinking this was actually going to last.

Mom came in my room then. “Honey, why aren’t you up and—“ one look at me and she knew. She rushed over and sat on the edge of my bed, stroking the wet, tear-soaked hair that was sticking to my face back and behind my ear. “Are you going to school today?” she asked me, lines of concern in between her two eyebrows.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to, but I’m going to have to face him eventually so,” I trailed off not sure what I should do.
“Well decide and let me know,” she patted my head, knowing I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and left the room.

After about ten minutes of just staring at the ceiling, I got up, knowing I couldn’t just sit in the house and sulk all day. Val called and I answered it, wondering what it could be this early in the morning. “Hello?” I answered.
“I hope your ass is up ‘cause I’m pulling in your driveway now,” her voice filled with determination.
“Why?” I asked, but she had already hung up. I sighed, never knowing what was going to happen with Val.

Sure enough though, she came in my room three minutes later with a bag in one hand and a mocha in the other. The mocha she handed to me and the bag she sat at the end of my bed. I peeked in the bag, it was full of clothes.

“What are you doing here? And thanks for the coffee.”
“No problem,” she said dumping the bag out on my bed and sorting through them. “These are clothes.”
“Thanks for stating the obvious. Don’t be a smart ass,” I told her.
“They are for you. Brand new,” she held up a top to my stomach, looking at it sideways before tossing it to the floor.
“And why?” I asked, not getting the concept of what was going on.
“Well,” she held up another top, a look of approval in her eyes. She set the top aside and moved on to bottoms as she continued, “I figured if you had to face him today feeling like crap, you should at least not look like crap too, so I brought over some clothes from deep inside my closet that I hadn’t gotten a chance to wear yet.”

“Are you saying I look like crap all the time?” I asked her, wondering if I should be happy she cares about me so much or insulted because she thinks I can’t dress myself.
“No, no, no! That’s not what I mean at all,” she assured me. “Let me rephrase myself. I meant, you need to look EXTRA hot today.” She winked at me.
She threw the shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. “These jeans will make your ass look like it was sculpted by gods!” I couldn’t help but laugh at her dramatics.

I pulled my pajama bottoms down and shimmied into the jeans. I had to jump up and down a couple of times and do a weird little dance to get into them. “Could these bitches get any tighter?” I wondered aloud.

Val waved me off, “Yes!” she came over and helped me pull them up the rest of the way. After they were on and fastened I walked over to the mirror and turned around examining my “god-sculpted ass”.

“Wow,” I said pleased. Val came up and slapped it. I slapped hers back which led to this play-fight. It felt good to at least act like everything was okay and my heart wasn’t shattered in a billion pieces.

“Dang it girl, we’re going to be late!” I said looking at my alarm clock. I threw on the shirt Val picked out and threw on some black sandals by my door. I left my hair the way it was, naturally curly and falling around my face. We left my house five minutes later, me borrowing Val’s make-up attempting to put it on without messing it up when the car went over big bumps.

When we parked around the back of the school Val examined me, “Girl you look hot! So cheer up! This is good. You’re back on the market once again and the next guy will be WAY better than Hayden,” she said his name like he was vomit on the ground that she had to step over.

I did feel good. I felt “hot”, but when I saw him in the halls, all those feeling went away. I gripped Val’s arm, resisting the urge to run over to him and beg him to stop seeing her and stay with me.

“Ow!” Val said tugging away from my grasp. “Damn, ever heard of a nail file?” Then she saw who was responsible for me death-gripping her forearm. She looked at him, narrowing her eyes before rolling them up to the ceiling.
“He looks extra sexy today,” I told her, looking away before he noticed. He still hadn’t spotted her and she wanted to keep it that way.
“If by sexy you mean douche-baggy and cheater-ish, then yes. He is the sexiest thing at this whole school.” The sarcasm oozed like lava out of a volcano.
I sighed and walked in the opposite direction. I knew it was going to take longer to get to class and I might even be late but I wasn’t ready to face him quite just yet. French, Chemistry, and Trig passed by in a blur and suddenly it was lunchtime. This was when me and Hayden usually met up to go eat in the quad under the big oak trees. But me and Val used our upperclassman passes and decided to take an off campus lunch for the day.

I got three messages from Hayden asking me where I was and if we were meeting for lunch and why he hadn’t seen me all day. I ignored them all, mostly because I couldn’t come up with an excuse or answer for any of those questions.

I wasn’t all that hungry, I still hadn’t ate since Saturday night except all that chocolate ice cream Val crammed down my throat. We came across this little diner only three blocks away from the school and decided to go there. I had never heard of this place or even seen it driving by. It was small but the food smelled really good. I ordered a slice of pizza which I picked at until it was time to go back to school.

As soon as I walked in the door I was ambushed by Hayden. He was standing there waiting for me and when I walked in he approached me.

He smiled looking me up and down, “Wow. Baby, you look gorgeous,” he said, leaning in for a kiss. But I was pulled away by Val.
“Just keep walking,” she instructed me, still pulling my arm.
Hayden followed, “What the hell? Why are you walking away? Why have you been avoiding me all day and not returning my texts and calls all weekend?” he kept pace with me. He grabbed me arm, stopping me in my tracks, “Stop walking away and talk to me!”

I couldn’t talk. My voice cracked in my throat, tears filling again to the rim and spilling over. I didn’t know what to do or say. Val stepped in for me. “Listen cheater, leave her alone.”
“Cheater?” I could tell his surprised voice was fake. It sounded too forced, his eyes too panicked.
“Yeah, we know all about little miss blondie bitch that dropped by to pay you a visit on Saturday night,” she said, waving her finger in his face.

He was speechless for a minute and then he looked to me, the guilt in his eyes as clear as day. I had stopped crying and now was angry. I wanted to slap him. And that’s just what I did.

I slapped him. Hard. So hard that it left a red hand print on his left cheek. And it felt good. He looked at me, now the guilty look being replaced with one of pleading. “No, Jade. I’m sor—“

“Save it,” I said cutting him off and hoping he stared at my ass as he walked away. Hoping he realized the mistake he made.

It felt good when it happened, but by the time I got home, I wanted to cry all over again. It was officially over. I couldn’t believe it. One year. One year with someone and it was done. No more movie nights. No more cuddling and the feeling of security when there were big, strong arms around me. No more rough hands in mine. No more kisses. No more fire. My fire had been extinguished and my heart felt cold. By now the tears were rolling steadily down my face as I stumbled in the front door.

“Hey, hey, hey,” a voice surprised me. I looked up. It was Oliver, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
I felt the heat rise up my cheeks. I shook my head and looked down at my feet, trying to gain my composure. I hated it when people saw me cry. I wasn’t the crying type. I was the badass girl.
“Jade,” Oliver said, pulling my chin up and forcing me to look at him. “What’s wrong?”
His eyes were tense, creating lines on his forehead. “Nothing, I’m just having a bad day,” I wiped the tears from my eyes and managed to keep myself under control.

He stared at me for a while, making sure I was okay, and then nodded. He backed away, letting me go around him and to my room. I grabbed the tissue box on my night stand and started to fix the mascara that ran before giving up and taking off all my make-up instead.

I changed into some sweats and an oversized tee that had North Norwalk High across it. When I went back into the living room I expected Oliver to be gone already, but no. He was in the reclining chair, reclined all the way back with his hands behind his head and watching something on the flat screen above the fireplace.

When he saw me walk in he waved smiling. “Um, I thought you were gone.” I said, standing there awkwardly.
“Well I was dropping some more boxes off and then I was planning on leaving, but my dad called and it looks like he’s coming over so I just decided to stay for dinner. You’re mom’s food is the best. That is something I could get used to.”
“Yeah, she’s a beast when it comes to food.” I walked over and sat on the couch.

“So, what are you watching?” It was on commercial so I couldn’t tell.
“Don’t laugh,” he said, looking at me.
“I won’t,” I assured him.
“Animal planet,” he stated. “It’s a documentary on Pandas.”
I sucked my lips in, trying not to laugh. My body shook from the restraint.
“You said you wouldn’t laugh!” he said, frowning and turning off the TV and getting up. I could tell he wasn’t really upset though.
“No! No, I’m not laughing at you. I’m just surprised is all. I think it’s cute that you like pandas.” I followed him into the kitchen.
“Whatever,” he said still pretending to be mad.
“Why do you like pandas anyway?” I asked him, sitting down at the dining room table as he got a Coke out of the fridge.
“Well it’s sort of a long story,” he said popping the top off and taking a seat across from me.
I looked around for a minute. “Yeah, I’m waaaay too busy to hear about it anyways as you can tell,” I said, my voice thick with sarcasm.
“Are you always so sarcastic?” he asked me.
“It’s my first language,” I stated.

He laughed. “Okay, so when I was a kid, my mom and dad would always take me to the zoo and they always would have to pry me away from the panda exhibit. They never understood why. I mean usually little boys would be fascinated with lions or panthers. But, no. I like the pandas.”
“Why do you like them so much? I mean, don’t they just kinda sit there and munch on bamboo all day?” I asked.
“No, that’s not all they do! But as a kid, I don’t really know why I started to like them. It was just when I got older and started to research them that I learned they are actually fascinating animals.”
“Like how?” I asked.
“Do you always ask this many questions?” he asked taking a sip of his Coke.
“Yes. Now, tell me some interesting facts about pandas! Blow my mind,” I said, leaning in to show him I was all ears.
“Are you sure you want to hear? I mean I don’t want to bore you,” he said.
“I really wanna hear. Besides, I like learning new things,” I guaranteed him.
And then he started. “Well when a panda…”