Jetlagged
Like a transatlantic flight that never ends
“Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing, and then all at once the frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores.” Peter Marwood, “Withnail & I”
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I can’t believe how much I use and abuse my body these days, but despite the pain I never seem to learn from my mistakes. I pour alcohol into it and throw limitless amounts of drugs down my neck without a solitary thought about how it’s affecting my well-being at the time. Of course it’s a lot of fun to get hopelessly drunk and laugh the sort of carefree, sexy laugh that only someone who’s been freed by alcohol can, but these days, I always pay the price.
I’ve been told by friends that I look as if a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders when I have a drink and that my whole face relaxes. With the punishing schedule and lack of privacy I can quite often feel under pressure and tired all the time and the strain begins to show. Constant moving from hotel to hotel and place-to-place takes its toll after a while so it’s no wonder I need a couple of shots of vodka here or there to let go and relax fully. Those same friends wish that I could feel that good about myself without artificial help though.
The same is true of my drug usage, only more so. It allows me the chance to become the person I want to be instantly. I shine with an inner light and feel my confidence level practically double as the drugs take hold. That’s without taking into consideration the purely physical feelings they provide. I feel so totally sexy and in control at the time but, in reality I’m out of control. None of my friends are really aware of the scale of my drug use, or should I say ‘abuse’ problem.
I’ll give an example of how peoples' perception of me changes whilst I’m high and how addictive that feeling alone can be. I was sitting in a nightclub, totally out of my head on Cocaine and Ecstasy and a friend, who isn’t normally the demonstrative type, said to me, ‘You look so beautiful, almost like you’re exuding light’. I suppose I can be quite vain at times, but that compliment touched me so deeply that I felt appreciated totally. Almost as if my beauty was more than just my face and body. Usually people only see that and assume that I’m incredibly shallow. Believe me, I’m not. Please understand that despite some of the shallow things I’ve done in my life so far, there’s more to me than meets the eye.
The merry-go-round began of uppers to come to life, downers to sleep and alcohol to smooth off the rough edges. I’m beginning to resemble a character from the film ‘Withnail &I’ where the drugs are seeping out of my pores and my body clock is on the verge of breaking down completely. I must get out of this cycle before I collapse and die. I must bring myself back to life, free from the stasis of self-medication; but now, I need to get some sleep, desperately. Now, where did I put my Valium?
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I can’t believe how much I use and abuse my body these days, but despite the pain I never seem to learn from my mistakes. I pour alcohol into it and throw limitless amounts of drugs down my neck without a solitary thought about how it’s affecting my well-being at the time. Of course it’s a lot of fun to get hopelessly drunk and laugh the sort of carefree, sexy laugh that only someone who’s been freed by alcohol can, but these days, I always pay the price.
I’ve been told by friends that I look as if a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders when I have a drink and that my whole face relaxes. With the punishing schedule and lack of privacy I can quite often feel under pressure and tired all the time and the strain begins to show. Constant moving from hotel to hotel and place-to-place takes its toll after a while so it’s no wonder I need a couple of shots of vodka here or there to let go and relax fully. Those same friends wish that I could feel that good about myself without artificial help though.
The same is true of my drug usage, only more so. It allows me the chance to become the person I want to be instantly. I shine with an inner light and feel my confidence level practically double as the drugs take hold. That’s without taking into consideration the purely physical feelings they provide. I feel so totally sexy and in control at the time but, in reality I’m out of control. None of my friends are really aware of the scale of my drug use, or should I say ‘abuse’ problem.
I’ll give an example of how peoples' perception of me changes whilst I’m high and how addictive that feeling alone can be. I was sitting in a nightclub, totally out of my head on Cocaine and Ecstasy and a friend, who isn’t normally the demonstrative type, said to me, ‘You look so beautiful, almost like you’re exuding light’. I suppose I can be quite vain at times, but that compliment touched me so deeply that I felt appreciated totally. Almost as if my beauty was more than just my face and body. Usually people only see that and assume that I’m incredibly shallow. Believe me, I’m not. Please understand that despite some of the shallow things I’ve done in my life so far, there’s more to me than meets the eye.
The merry-go-round began of uppers to come to life, downers to sleep and alcohol to smooth off the rough edges. I’m beginning to resemble a character from the film ‘Withnail &I’ where the drugs are seeping out of my pores and my body clock is on the verge of breaking down completely. I must get out of this cycle before I collapse and die. I must bring myself back to life, free from the stasis of self-medication; but now, I need to get some sleep, desperately. Now, where did I put my Valium?