Nothing Personal

Jack was snoring. Loudly. It was nearly three in the morning and the bus was speeding down the highway and Alex still found himself awake. Though, he didn’t know if it was because of Jack, who was in the bunk above him with his hand dangling over the edge, or just because he couldn’t sleep. But it made sense, considering what day it was. This is what happened every year on that particular day. It wasn’t anything new, just something getting really old.

Zo was sleeping and he could see her dream as if he were watching a movie. She was dreaming of her, Do, and Penny taking a drive through the rain. The setting was dark and creepy and they couldn’t see anything through the rain. The only thing letting them know that a car was close by was the dim headlights as they passed them by. There was a feeling of dread building up in the car as the two girls drove farther to wherever they were going and Alex had a feeling that this was going to turn into a nightmare.

Sure enough, a few moments later while Zo was slowing hitting the break on the car for a red light, the car began to slide. The light was already red and the intersection was full of cars passing and the car kept sliding toward them. Then, it collided. There was a crash and bang as metal folded over metal with a screams and cries mixed in with it.

Even though Alex knew it was a dream, his heart was still pounding. It felt so real as if he was really there in that car and being pulled forward as the car continued to bend around the car it had hit. Alex knew that Zo was awake by the stream of swear words that flooded her thoughts as she told herself to calm down and that it was only a dream.

*Oh my God,* she muttered as Alex waited for her to calm down a little before he figured he should say something. She probably didn’t even know that he had been watching it with her.

*You ok Zo?* He asked and his suspicion was answered when he heard her gasp slightly when he said something.

*What the hell, you scared me. Were you listening in the whole time?* He laughed when he knew that she wasn’t going to answer his previous question but let it go. That fact that he was even talking to her made him feel a little better since it was a distraction so she didn’t have to remember that dream.

*Uh, yeah. Sorry, I can’t sleep.*

*What do you mean you can’t sleep? You usually can sleep like a baby.*

He hesitated, *I never can sleep well around this time.*

*What do you-* she paused and he could hear her thoughts as she tried to think of what he had meant. *Oh hell, Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Damn,*

Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair. The last thing he wanted was pity; all he wanted was a distraction from his thoughts. Zooey must have picked up on this and started up a random conversation. At first, she asked what her dream was about but he just shrugged it off saying it wasn’t important. The last thing she needed to know was that she dreamt about a car accident involving Do. She was upset as it was, she didn’t need anything more to be upset about.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, Alex must have fallen asleep since the next thing he knew was that someone was calling his name. He groaned and rolled over and tried to fall back asleep but knew that it wasn’t possible since he was already awake and because someone was now poking him.

Reaching back, he tired the best he could to swat off the person but it didn’t work very well. He heard an all too familiar giggle and knew that it was going to get much worse. When he felt something heavy sit on him, he groaned again and glanced over to see Jack sitting on top of his with a stupid grin on his face.

“Get off me asshole,” he muttered as he gave Jack the best shove he could. But it was early, and he was still out of it. Jack just laughed and started to bounce on him while giggling more like a little girl.

“Get a room,” Rian muttered as he walked past them after jumping from his bunk. Jack wiggled his eye brows at him and laughed as he jumped off Alex and grabbed his arm pulling him from the bunk and then onto the floor.

“Oh God Jack, I’m going to kill you. Just wait,” he pulled himself off the ground and followed Jack to the front of the bus where the rest of the guys were. Glancing at the clock as he poured himself a cup of coffee, he realized that he had only gotten about five hours asleep and left his coffee back hoping that the bitter taste would wake himself up more.

Grabbing a seat at the small table next to Zack, Alex grabbed an apple that was lying there and stared at it not really in the mood to eat but needed a distraction. He hated it when this time came around. No matter how much he promised himself that the next year would be better, it never was. He never would have guessed that even after all those years after Daniel’s death, it would still hurt this much.

People said that time heals all wounds, but not this wound. This wound almost seemed to get bigger and bigger as the years past, and he didn’t know what to do about it. When Daniel had first passed, his parents had suggested going to talk to someone about it, but he had said no. He didn’t need some shrink to help him get through his feelings. That’s what his friends were for.

He didn’t know where he would be if it weren’t for his friends. Especially Jack. Even though they talk a lot of crap about each other and always goofing around and drinking, Jack always took care of him. And he was the same whenever Jack was going through a hard time. Zo was the same way, always looking out for him. They didn’t know each other when it first happened, but after she found out about Daniel, he felt like he could rely on her as much as he did with Jack.

Even then, when everyone was talking and messing around, Alex looked up when he felt eyes on him and saw Jack across the room with a concerned look on his face. Just like Zo had last night, he was checking to make sure he really was ok. Alex just nodded at the silent question Jack was asking if he was ok and forced a small smile of his face to reassure his friend.

“Ok guys! We have a long day ahead of us!” Mickey said as he began going through their to-do list for the day. Alex forced himself to pay attention and not let his mind wander. When he found that Mickey was just rambling now and lost interest, he started to focus on the random things Zooey was saying to herself.

She was just getting ready for school and was talking to herself about what she should do with her hair. It was always really funny to listen to her in the morning. Every morning was the same thing between finding something to wear and her never ending battle with her hair. It was quite funny, and a good distraction.

*Well I’m so glad that me doing my hair is so amusing to you.* She said sarcastically as she picked up on his thoughts.

*It’s better than seeing Jack run around naked all the time. Trust me, it get’s old.* He replied as he absentmindedly took a bite of the apple still in his hands.

*Eww, please don’t imagine that. I’m not in the mood to see something like that so early in the morning.*

*Don’t worry; he’s not doing it now. But he probably will do it at least once before the night is up.* He laughed as she started to freak out. By then Mickey was done going over everything with them and was getting everyone out the door to get unloaded.

Alex stood and chucked the apple away in the garbage before heading back to his bunk to get dressed. Grabbing a Glamour Kills shirt and black skinny jeans, he got dressed and then went to the bathroom to quickly make his hair a little better. After he was finished, he checked the bus to make sure everyone was gone and then pulled out his phone.

Scrolling through his contacts, he stopped on his mother’s name and took a deep breath. He always made sure to call her whenever this day came just to say that he loved her and to make sure she was doing ok. Staring at the number for a few seconds, he forced himself to press send since he always hated making this phone call.

To hear his mother answer with a sad strained voice and to hear her cry as she talked it him always made him feel even worse than he already did. To know that his mother was in as much pain as he was something unbearable. He always hated to see his mother upset or angry and knew that the phone calls made her feel that way, but it had to be done. He had to make sure she was ok, even though he knew she wasn’t. Needing to make sure that she was still hanging in there as best as she could.

When he hung up about five minutes later, he took a deep breath and tried to shove all his emotions in the back of his head as he made his way off the bus and to the venue. It was a place they had been to a few times before so he knew the place pretty well and walked inside finding out where the dressing room was so he could put his bag there so he could change before the show that night.

“Mickey, this obsession of yours is getting a little out of control.” Zack said to their tour manager as Alex glanced around to see that their manager had already scattered a few stuffed Mickey Mouse’s around the room. He surprised himself by laughing as he walked over to where Jack and Danny were and grabbed a bottle of water.

“God, how long has this been going on?” Alex asked glancing over to Jack and catching another worried look on his face.

“Ever since we actually got here,” Danny sighed as Flyzik started to chase Zack around the room with a stuffed Mickey that was dressed as Dracula and yelling ‘I want to suck your blood’ as he did.

“It’s going to be a long night.” He muttered as he ran a hand down his face and took a deep breath. Finally once Flyzik stopped chasing Zack, he put his ‘professional’ face back on and started barking orders to get everything set up.

It took most of the morning, but once they were done, they went to go explore the area around them. Then the show came and Alex realized that he wasn’t dwelling on the day as much as he thought he would be. Which was a first for him, but was glad to have his friends with him to keep his mind off of things.

He changed his shirt and snatched the flat iron from Jack as he fixed his hair and then they all made their way down to the stage. Danny handed him his guitar and he turned everything on and took a deep breath as he followed the rest of the guys out onto stage. Rian kept a beat going as they took their places on stage and then started playing the first notes.

*Oh god,* Zo said just as they were finishing the last song. Alex picked up on her mood and noticed that she was literally freaking out. He nearly stopped playing but forced himself to continue since he didn’t want to make anyone think he was having a meltdown.

*Zo, what’s going on? Are you ok?* He asked, letting the crowd take over singing the last few words to the song. *Give me a moment; I have to wrap this up. But I’ll be right back, I promise.*

All she did was mumble a ok in response as he turned back to the crowd and started to say their goodbyes. He tried to make it as short and sweet as he could since Zo was on the brink of tears, and once he was done, he walked off stage as quick as he could without making it look obvious and gave his guitar back to Danny before muttering something about going to the bathroom.

*Ok, Zooey, what’s going on? Are you alright?* He asked once he had a little more privacy. He was grabbing his things to go and get a shower so it looked as if he was doing something instead of just talking to the voice in his head. But he really was sweaty and needed a shower, badly.

*Oh my God, Alex what am I going to do?* She asked as her voice broke and began to panic.

*Well, first, you’re going to calm down. Take deep breaths, I don’t need you passing out on me.* She did as she was told and he forced himself to also. Even if he didn’t know what was going on, it was making him freak out too. *Ok good, now. Tell me what’s going on? Are you hurt? Did something happen?*

There was a pause that seemed to last five minutes before she said in one of the quietest voices Alex had ever heard her use, *Do has cancer.*