Thanatophobia

The rain hadn't let up at all, in fact it may have gotten worse. I stared out the window to avoid the embarrassment of facing him, realizing that asking Cam for a ride was a mistake as soon as I got in the car. What did I think I would tell him? Would I just pour out everything about Meghan, the suicide, my parents, my medication, my life? There was no way. I couldn't even talk about a lot of that with Tom, and I'd known him all my life.

The silence was unbearable. Unlike on the drive here, the radio was off completely and the only sound was the crunching of tires on asphalt and the static of rain. 

"Are you okay?" Cam asked quietly. 

I rolled my eyes- it was a natural reflex lately. "I wish everyone would stop asking that. I told you I'm fine." 

He sighed, sounding exhausted. Every word coming from his mouth sounded forced and unsure. "Fine, I'll rephrase it. You're not okay. Why?" 

Who was he to tell me I wasn't okay? I stared at my hands in my lap, which were still shaking. I slumped my shoulders. 

"I'm not a fan of cars," I said shortly. 

"Oh," he interrupted, "but you're perfectly fine with jumping off cliffs?" 

I didn't answer and he shook his head. "Sorry," he muttered. "I forget to use my filter sometimes. That was insensitive." 

"Hmph." 

We drove in silence and he asked where I lived. 

"Right off campus. It's in the middle of the woods so the driveway's kind of hard to find..." I sighed.

He tapped the steering wheel, focusing on the road. "You live with your brother here?" 

That urge to talk started to come back with each mile we drove, and I worried that I'd end up dumping a whole pile of shit on his shoulders pretty soon. But wasn't that why we were here, anyway? I did, after all, ask him to take me home instead if Lucy.

"Depends on which version of the story you want," I uttered. 

"Ooh, how about the explicit?" he suggested jokingly. 

I chuckled before I could catch myself. "Okay," I said. "I threw myself off a cliff in April. They released me from the hospital in early May. I live with my brother. We're two lonely people in a house too big for even a family of five. He studies a lot, locks the knives in a drawer, hides the pills, and latches most doors. There's a pond in the back." 

Cam didn't take his eyes from the road. He said, "What does that have to do with anything?" 

I shrugged. "I figure if I want to die, I can tie some bricks to my feet and take a swim, you know? It's ironic, right? It's just in the back yard." 

"But you haven't done it yet." 

"What?" I asked, not hearing what he said. 

"I mean, if you wanted to die, if you hated life so much, why didn't you do it when you first got here?" 

My eyes started to sting again. "I didn't want to hurt Nick," I said after a while. "Imagine finding your little sister at the bottom of your pond."

"But what's the difference between finding her at the bottom of a pond and finding her in a casket a couple towns over?" he asked, his voice like dull razors. 

I glanced out the window. "The driveway's coming up soon." 

"Shelby," he said and looked over at me, taking his eyes from the road. 

"Look where you're going." I raised my voice even though we were the only one's on the road. 

"Sorry," he mumbled. Then more silence. 

We passed through the woodsy entranceway to the drive and turned in, starting down to the house. He drove slowly, more cautiously. 

"You probably think I'm a freak," I said after a moment. I wanted to add that I didn't care, but I didn't have the energy to be a bitch. 

"No..." he muttered awkwardly. 

I rolled my eyes. "I'm such a freak," I told him, then smiled as he pulled to a stop. "I wonder if I can get my parents to find a new school for me again," I joked mostly to myself. "Next time I'll go for the quiet bitch approach, like at my old school." 

I swung the door open and stepped out, staggering a little before regaining my balance. 

"You okay?" Cam asked. 

"I'm fine," I snapped. 

He gave me a half-hearted smile and started to turn around as I opened the door. When I glanced back, I could see him eying the pond behind the house. 

"Nick, I'm home!" I yelled. 

I slammed the door shut and found that the house was empty. I guess it wad pizza for dinner, then.