Thanatophobia

As soon as my eyes opened, I knew something was wrong. I looked around the room and everything in my vision was tinted red. Meghan’s bunk was empty, the sheets still pulled messily to the side from the morning before. I got out of bed and looked down at my own sheets; they were soaking wet with sticky, crimson blood. Panicked, I ran to the bathroom and almost slipped on the freezing linoleum. I looked down past my bloody hands and saw the same red liquid soaking my feet. My mouth opened in a scream of terror, but my throat had closed up. I started breathing heavily and choking on screams that wouldn’t come out when I reached the mirror above the sink and saw myself, except it didn’t look at all like me. 

There was a gash on my forehead pouring blood down my face and into my eyes, the skin on the right  side of my face looked like it had been scraped up and down with a cheese grater, and my nose was smashed to the side, broken. I looked down and there was a rib bone sticking out of my chest, and my right arm hung limp at my side, completely dislocated from my shoulder. A second later, I was passed out on the floor.

♥♦♣♠ 

I rolled over and opened my eyes to find pale gold light filtering through the bay window and shining onto my face. My back hurt from sleeping on the floor and I was still wearing my clothes from last night, smelling strongly like beer and sweat. I rolled over and cracked the kinks out of my neck, sighing miserably and trying to catch my breath. 

I felt hollow, like at one point I was hurting all over and now my emotions were just vacant. My throat burned and once the impact of my nightmare had subsided, everything from last night started rushing back to me; most unpleasantly, the vomit. I trudged to the bathroom to take a shower, feeling the stench of stale alcohol roll off of me as I walked. 

Downstairs I heard the faint sound of the radio over a vacuum cleaner. I chuckled a little to myself, imagining Nick down there in cleaning mode. It would take weeks to clean this house after the party last night; there was still party debris in the hallway upstairs. I kicked a plastic cup out of the way in entering the bathroom, practically blinded by the unbearable blueness of surrounding me (I mean, come on. A matching, blue toilet and shower set? Really) and turned on the shower to its hottest temperature. 

I took off my beer (and who knows what else) soaked shirt and was just starting to unbutton my pants when the door slammed open. 

"The hell?" Lauren mumbled, holding her palms over her eyes and groaning. Her coffee-colored hair was matted to the side of her head and she was still wearing her clothes from last night. 

I gasped and reached for a towel to cover myself, even though I was still wearing a bra. It was just weird.

"Lauren, what the frig are you doing in my unfortunately blue bathroom?" I asked. 

She laughed, but her voice lacked humor. "Unfortunate is right," she grumbled. Then her hands fell from her eyes and she gaped at me. "Wait, did you say your bathroom?" 

I stared at her with wide eyes for a couple of seconds before answering. "Yeah," I replied, shaking my head. "Why did you think Nick was yelling at me last night? He's my brother." 

Her jaw dropped and she smacked her forehead, making her wince from the headache she probably had, then closed the door behind her. "I never would have guessed that!" she said mostly to herself, then turned to me, blinking. "I mean, I was so drunk I didn't even know what was going on." She was mumbling, but her voice still sounded very dainty and sweet, despite her hangover. 

Lauren opened the cabinet over the sink and took out a red toothbrush. It looked lost in the sea of blue that was my bathroom as she squeezed a tube of sparkly bubble-gum flavored toothpaste onto the bristles. "I mean, you don't look anything like Nick, for one," she muttered, waving the toothbrush around as she talked. "He's got dark hair, yours is blonde; he has green eyes, you have brown eyes; and his nose is longer than yours. Like, your brother is amazingly hot." 

She paused and saw me frowning at her in the mirror. Then she added, toothbrush hanging from her mouth, "Not that you're not hot, though, 'cause you totally are. I can see that little resemblance, but it's like he's a Ralph Lauren kind of hot and you're like an H&M model...yeah." 

It was funny, because a lot of my clothes were from H&M. Nevertheless, I stared at her, dumbstruck, as she spit in the sink. 

She laughed, wiping her face on a towel. "No worries, Shelb," she assured me with a smile. "I'm not a lesbian." 

She looked me up and down and shrugged. "I just see things as they are." 

Before I could say anything else she was out the door, leaving me half naked in a towel and wondering what the hell just even happened. 

♥♦♣♠

After having a very uncomfortable shower, I combed my hair out and put on a sun dress before going downstairs for breakfast. As soon as I reached the bottom of the steps I was overwhelmed by the cleanliness of the foyer and living room. The carpet was spotless (even the part on the stairs where I had gotten nailpolish) and the walls practically sparkling. I rounded a corner and saw three cleaning ladies in uniforms singing along to the Adele song blasting on the radio. They wore all black outfits with the words "Magic Maids" printed in huge letters on their backs, scrubbing at the carpet, windows, and upholstery on couches. They didn't pay any attention to my passing through, just kept belting out the lyrics to “Chasing Pavements.” 

Still, to my surprise, Lauren was sitting at the kitchen island, sipping some coffee with her hair dripping wet from a shower, too. Nick was at the table with Millie, chattering about the price of gas while she hung on his every word in her elegant way; posture perfect but still relaxed. She was the kind of girl you wanted to be around; she always had been. Nick stopped his speech to turn his attention to me for a second, then resumed. 

Millie cut him off as soon as she noticed me, as if he hadn’t even been talking. "Morning, Shelby!" she chirped. 

I smiled sweetly at her and Nick glared at me. I stuck my tongue out and poured some coffee. "Good morning, Millie," I replied. "I haven't seen you around here in a while." 

Nick stared me down as I sat down next to Lauren and said, “That’s because you don’t live here. You’ve never even been here before last week.” His voice was sharp. He was obvoiusly still mad at me.

Millie just laughed and flipped her wavy hair over her shoulder. “It’s nice to see you again, Shelby.” 

I couldn't say that I missed her, but she was one of my favorites of Nick's previous girlfriends. I don't know how he got her back, but I was kind of glad. 

Lauren stood up. "Wanna go out for breakfast?" she asked spontaneously. "I'm hungry as a motherfucker." 

Nick raised his eyebrow. "Never heard that expression before..." he muttered. 

Millie put her hand on Nick's and looked him in the eyes for a second. "You know what, Laurie?” she asked, not breaking eye contact with my brother. “I think Nick and I will stay here. But you and Shelby should go. You can take my car." 

She whispered something in Nick's ear and they both smiled at the same time while Millie handed Lauren her credit card and keys. I wanted to throw up, not willing to bring myself to think about what they were going to be doing while we were gone. 

"Have fun, guys," Nick said, suddenly not mad at me anymore (insert vomiting here). We started to walk away when he called for us to stop.

I turned around and was startled by the suddenly soft look on his face. "Do you need a ride?" he asked sincerely. "I can take you, if you don't feel comfortable..." 

I smiled slightly, touched by the fact that he was thinking about me. I shook my head. "Nah, Lauren can drive. Thanks though." 

He glanced at Lauren slightly disapprovingly, although I couldn’t tell if she noticed. “You’re not too hung over to drive, are you?” 

Lauren’s eyes were still heavy-looking, but she shook her head with enthusiasm. “Coffee really helps, my friend. And I snap back like a whip, just ask my sister. Runs in the family!” 

Millie nodded. “Okay,” Nick said. “Have fun.” 

♥♦♣♠

The restaurant was packed, mostly with college kids and only a few other people. Waiters and waitresses rushed from table to table, carrying coffees and pancakes on huge platters. There was a buzz of chatter filling the room, and on the way to our table I recognized a few of the people from the party. A lot of them had their heads resting on the table with their eyes closed; they obviously didn’t handle hangovers like Lauren did. 

We were seated  in a little booth and Lauren immediately picked up her menu. I did the same, not wanting to deal with the awkward silence that followed despite the noise in the room. Finally, Lauren put down her menu pointedly and looked around. “Fun party last night, huh?” she giggled. 

I scrunched up my face. “Not even a little bit,” I said. I guess it was kind of a lie, because the party was great up until I threw up all over my back yard, but it didn't matter. 

“Oh that’s right,” she teased. “You’re Shelby Hamilton. The daughter of a politican dad and activist mom doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t date, fuck, or get high, right?” 

My cheeks flared red, but not because it was true. I stared at my fingernails and gritted my teeth. I kept picking at my nail polish with every word she said. 

“Have you ever had alcohol before last night? You should try it some time, like it’s better the second time I promise. I really should quit but these parties are so much fun…” 

I looked up. “You should,” I agreed. “It’s not worth it.” 

Lauren laughed. “You sound like your mom. Hell, you sound like my mom.”

My stomach dropped. “Don’t compare me to my mother,” I snapped. “I’m not saying this because I want to promote awareness against teen drinking and whatever. I’m saying it because it ruins your life if you’re not careful. And if you saw yourself last night, you would know that you’re not careful.” 

I saw the hurt in her eyes and almost felt sorry, but it was true. Last night, she was a spitting image of me Sophomore year in boarding school. I thought I had it all figured out, like I was the coolest girl on campus. And to be honest, I was. Getting drunk at dorm parties was what Meghan and I were famous for. We were hot, we were easy, and we were unstoppable. Everybody wanted to be friends with us, but it was short lived. 

Lauren waved her hand in front of my face. "Shelby!" she snapped. 

My focus turned back to Lauren and the loud chatter of people around us came back. She looked like she was going to say more but something across the restaurant caught her eye. “Hey, I didn’t know Cameron worked here!” she exclaimed.

I swear my heart stopped beating when I followed her gaze to the boy walking toward our table. True to her word, it was Cam.

“Jeez,” I muttered. “That idiot follows me everywhere.” 

Lauren gaped at me. “He’s not an idiot! Cameron’s the nicest kid I’ve ever met! He went to my elementary school, I've known him forever."  

I rolled my eyes. “Cam’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever met and I’ve only known his for a few days. He only cares about himself and what people think of him. Can’t anyone see that?” 

She looked at me like I was crazy and before she could say anything, Cam stopped in front of our table. 

I buried my face in my hands while he said, "Hi, I'm Cameron, and I'll be your server today. Can I get you any... Shelby?" 

Lauren laughed and I lifted my head away from my hands to glare at him. He looked oddly tired; his eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his shoulders more slumped than usual, and his hair slightly matted. 

I didn't say anything, hoping he wouldn't make a scene, but this is Cam we're talking about. He smirked at me and put his elbows on the table. Even though his voice lacked its usual enthusiasm, he said, "Is it just me or are you following me?" 

I sneered, scooting away from him. "As if," I spat. "You're the last person on earth that I want to see right now."

I didn't want to look at Lauren, but I could tell that she was shocked at how I was talking to him. Cam stood up straighter. "Oh, come on, Shelb," he insisted. "Lighten up." 

He put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm really not trying to make you mad or anything. I just want to help." 

"Help with what?" I snapped. "You've helped enough, thanks. Your help means nothing to me."

He slammed his fist on the table, making both Lauren and me jump. "Fine!" he snapped back. "I'll just leave you alone then." 

I couldn't think of anything to say. Lauren stared from me to Cam then back to me urging me to say something. Cam turned around and I stood up suddenly. 

"Wait," I said, grabbing the back of his shirt. He whipped around and slapped my hand away, then seemed to realize what he had done. 

He raised his hands to his mouth, shaking his head. He looked broken as he backed away slowly. "I'm sorry..." he muttered. 

"I'm fine," I assured him, because it hadn't hurt. It was nothing but a light slap, but Cam's eyes said otherwise. To him, what he had done was much worse than a light slap. I knew that look of pain because I'd felt that guilt before. 

He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he repeated and turned away, hurrying into the kitchen doors. Oddly enough, I wanted to stop him, but he was gone before I could even register what just happened.

I started to chew on my nails as I walked back to the table, where Lauren was staring at me with wide eyes. 

"I've never seen him that upset," she muttered. "What did you do to him?"

I sat unblinking in the booth, still unsure of what I just witnessed, or better yet caused. 

"I think I need to go home," I whispered.