Thanatophobia

In my dream I was driving down the interstate, the windows were down and warm summer air was blowing my hair around. The sun was setting and I felt like I could do anything. I was going over the speed limit, but it was a dream so I naturally didn't get into trouble. The air smelled like camp fires and chlorine and barbecue- all the great things that made up summer. I drove for hours, it seemed, not really headed anywhere but not caring.

Suddenly I remembered I was supposed to meet with her; I promised Meghan that I would pick her up for the pool party. I panicked and did a u-turn. It was starting to get dark and I sped up, a scared feeling tightening in my chest. She was going to be mad at me. What if she thought I was blowing her off? I rehearsed my apology in my head as trees zipped by and the sun was minutes from disappearing. The smell in the air shifted, too. My nostrils burned from the overwhelming smell of smoke and gasoline.

Suddenly, I was stuck in traffic. There was a line of cars that seemed to be miles long and traffic was at a stand-still. The smell made my eyes water and I heard the sirens. They grew louder and I got out of the car, the sudden dark sky illuminated with white, blue, and red flashing lights. Out of no where, a crowd of people formed around me. They were staring and pointing, and some were crying. An officer started reading the Miranda rights and put my hands behind my back. I looked down, and at my feet was a girl's body, laying motionless on the asphalt. There was blood streaming steadily out of her mouth, her ears, her nose, and out of her eyes like tears. It got mottled in her auburn hair and smudged on her bruised and broken skin that was so white it glowed.

"Meghan?" I screamed, but no sound came out of my mouth.

The officer pushed me into the police cruiser and shut the door after me. I pressed up against the glass to get a second look- there was no way she was dead, she couldn't be- but she was gone. The crowd had dispersed, the road showed no traces of blood, and traffic had returned to normal.

I sighed out of relief, and turned back to the interior of the car. Meghan was sitting next to me and put a bloody hand on my knee.

"Good," she said in a voice that was not her own. "You're alive."

♥♦♣♠

My eyes snapped open and I expected to see Meghan's body next to me again. then I realized it was just a nightmare. It was pitch dark outside. I stayed sprawled on my bed for a minute then rolled over, feeling the nightstand for my phone. Oh yeah, I thought. It's downstairs, shattered to bits. I stumbled out of bed, still in my jeans and blouse that I had worn to school, and flipped the light on. My eyes snapped shut from the light but I forced them open and looked around for a clock. Instead I was face-to-face with my reflection in the mirror and gave up on my search. I looked like death, so I combed my hair out a bit and changed into some pajamas.

My stomach led me downstairs to the kitchen, where the time was blinking in green on the stove top clock. It was 3:27 a.m. I sighed and started trying to open cabinets, but most of them were locked so I looked for food in the fridge. I sat at the counter with a cup of yogurt and a Pepsi, details around me starting it become less fuzzy as the sleep wore off.

I hadn't had that nightmare in over a year. I thought I had finally escaped it, but now it was haunting me again. To get my mind off it, I recounted the previous day: I had trashed my cell phone, was late to my first day of school, made friends with a psycho prep, didn't talk to more than five people throughout my day, got lost multiple times in the vast hallways, almost got trampled on the back stairs after fourth period, had lunch with my psycho friend, and made up with my brother. That didn't seem so bad.

I finished off the yogurt and absentmindedly wandered back to the fridge, taking out a leftover steak, a block of cheddar cheese, and a box of Lucky Charms. I made a mental note to ask Nick why he kept Lucky Charms in his refrigerator later and heated up the steak while starting on the cheese. Something else was bothering me- my encounter with Cameron yesterday.

What were the chances, anyway? Seriously, of all the schools he could have gone to, it was Princeton? Why couldn't he have been Patrick from Michigan who was on vacation for Spring Break, like I had told Sheri? At least then he could be out of my life after that day on the cliff. Since when was it even his business if I wanted to be dead? The more I thought about it, the more I wished I would have just jumped instead of making small talk with him. I was way too optimistic, thinking that there was nothing he could do to save me.

I never thought he would have his friend call 911 as soon as he got out of the car. I didn't think that him getting out was a distraction, I thought that was his single attempt to keep me from jumping. If I had jumped sooner instead of asking him about my dress, rubbing my insanity in to scare him, I wouldn't have to deal with this at all. I would have died by the time the firemen got there.

A moment sooner, and you wouldn't be here right now, they had told me in the hospital.

You were very, very lucky, they said.

My thoughts were interrupted by the beep of the microwave, and I realized that I had finished the block of cheese and already downed half the box of cereal. I felt like I was going to be sick, and there was no way I could eat that steak. I took it out of the microwave and set it in the sink, then went to lay down on one of the huge leather couches in the living room, hoping I would fall asleep.

I laid there for ten minutes, but thoughts of Cam and the cliff and school were flooding my mind like the students in the cafeteria and I couldn't sleep. I went back upstairs and started on my homework, and before I knew it, the sun was peaking over the horizon and natural light slowly started filling up my room. I took a quick shower, and when I came downstairs Nick was examining the box of lucky charms on the counter.

"You ate like half my cereal," he whined.

"Sorry..." I apologized and grabbed the box from him, this time pouring it in a bowl with milk instead of eating it straight from the container. "I had insomnia, and I can't cook."

He shrugged. "It's fine. I have to go soon, so make sure you put it back this time."

"Why do you keep it in the fridge, anyway?" I asked between spoonfuls.

He waved off my question like it was completely absurd and put his coffee mug in the sink. "I'll see you later," he said.

"Wait!" I interjected, getting up from my seat. "Aren't you driving me to school?"

He shook his head. "I still have class, Shelb," he dismissed me with a smirk. "Your ride will get here in ten minutes, so be ready."

He was out the door before I had a chance to ask him any more questions, so I finished my cereal and got my stuff together. I was actually pretty tired after working on my homework all night (who gives a person that much homework on their first day of school, anyway?) so I poured myself some coffee that was leftover in the pot. I heard tires on the driveway outside and a car horn, so I chugged the coffee black. It left a startlingly bitter taste in my mouth and burned my throat, but I ignored it and picked up my books off the counter.

I locked the door on my way out and was just starting to dread going to school when my eyes fell on the black BMW parked on the driveway.

"Tom!" I squealed and met him in front of the car for a hug.

"Jeez!" he coughed. "Try not to suffocate me, kid!"

I beamed at him and got in the passenger seat. "Why didn't we think about this earlier?" I asked him. "You should live with us, Tom."

He smiled and shook his head. "I volunteered, but it's only until Sheri switches Nick's classes."

My face fell. "Seriously?"

"Hey," he reassured me. "It's no big deal. Like I said, you can always call me if you want to talk."

"That's not the same and you know it," I told him. "But I'll deal with it, for now."

He started the car and we started down the driveway. He started asking me about school and I gave him a more detailed version of what I told Nick yesterday.

"You fell down the stairs?" he asked in a shocked tone. "Did anyone help you up?"

"Yeah," I shrugged. "But that was after I scrambled to pick up all my books. This school is huge; everyone's got their own agendas and don't have time to help rich girls when they fall down the stairs."

"That's terrible," he commented.

"I guess. I don't care about anyone here any more than I cared about the people at my last school."

Tom made a clucking noise. "You really should be more positive. Try it some time."

I raised my eyebrows. "I wish you wouldn't tell me what I should be," I snapped, then felt guilty and apologized.

"I had that nightmare again," I sighed.

"Are you off the medication?" Tom asked.

"I have been for almost a year. I thought they were gone for good." I rubbed my forehead.

"Well, I can talk to your mom if you want. We can get you back on it," he suggested. I smiled sympathetically.

"I'll think about it. Let's see how tonight goes, then I'll decide where to go from there. I don't like how sleepy those pills make me."

Tom shrugged and pulled into the school parking lot, now filled with students filing into the building.

"Do you want me to pick you up after school?" he asked.

"It's kind of a long drive," I said cautiously. "Gas is expensive..."

"Yeah," he agreed. "But your parents pay for it all."

I smiled. "In that case," I said mischievously, "I'll see you at three."