The Way We Were

November Twenty-Fifth

Three days later this pain had been such a burden to me, I didn't even think about what more might become of it. This day is what I will always remember as the worst day of my life, and the day that everything changed.

I didn't want to be taking painkillers so I just tried to stay in one place hoping that the pain would go away. We had a day off today, and the film had only a few scenes left before being completely finished with. It was 7 pm and I was alone in my apartment when it happened. My lower abdomen had cramped up so bad I was shaking from the pain, I threw the blanket off of my lap and was about to stand up when I felt something.

I walked to the bathroom and pulled down my underwear, seeing blood. I covered my mouth, "No, no this is not supposed to happen." I pulled back up my underwear and was hunched over in pain when I went back to the living room. I grabbed my phone and called my mom, praying that she'd answer.

"Hello." She spoke

"Mom, I'm really scared." I started to cry.

"Audrey what is it? What's wrong?" She panicked.

"Mom I'm bleeding, I have such terrible cramps, my back is killing me. I'm so scared for my baby." I cried.

"Audrey go to the hospital right now, I'll meet you there. Hurry sweetie, don't panic, just go." She instructed.

I hung up and did as she said, I grabbed my keys and went to the door, but a sharp pain caused me to bump into the table, tipping it and the lamp over. I knew I couldn't drive myself, so I worked up the strength to open the door and make it down the stairs to Jack's door.

Knocking on the door, I leaned back against the wall, breathing deeply. He answered the door and almost immediately caught me as I began falling downward.

"Audrey, what's wrong? You're so pale." He touched my face.

"Can you take me to the hospital?" I whispered, then I groaned in pain. "I think it's the baby."

"Alright, I'll take you." He quickly replied. He called to Shannan, "Shannan I have to go, I need to take Audrey to the hospital."

She rushed to the door, panicked. "What's wrong?"

"I have to go, I'll call you okay?" He picked me up and took us downstairs.

We took my vehicle and he drove as fast as he could to the hospital. Along the way, trying to keep myself composed, I called Caleb.

"Hello." He answered.

"Caleb." I spoke.

"Audrey? Are you alright?"

I covered my mouth and closed my eyes tightly, "I don't know. Caleb, I'm bleeding, and I'm worried it's the baby. I'm going to the hospital right now. Caleb I need you."

"I'm coming. I'm gonna leave right now. Audrey, I love you. Stay strong alright? Don't worry."

"Okay." I sniffled, hanging up the phone.

When we got to the hospital, Jack carried me inside and called for the nurses to help. I was put into a wheelchair and taken into emergency. After I had been changed into a nightgown, I was laying on the bed while the nurse asked me questions.

"Miss Cobain, are you pregnant?" She asked.

I nodded, "Yes."

She too nodded and left the room and almost immediately the doctor came in.

"Audrey, I'm going to take an ultrasound." He looked over the papers on the clipboard. He then looked at Jack. "Are you the father?"

Jack shook his head, "No, I'm her friend."

"I'm going to have to ask you to step out while I perform the ultrasound." The doctor replied.

Jack nodded and came to my side and kissed my forehead, "I'll be waiting for you outside." He then left.

"I'm going to be doing a pelvic exam and then take an internal ultrasound." He calmly spoke.

I just nodded and let him continue. As he did the ultrasound I watched the screen, praying harder than I've ever prayed before. The doctor too watched the screen and I watched him, his eyes lowered and his expression dropped. He removed the medical tool and took off his gloves and hat.

"Audrey. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've miscarried." He spoke. "I'll leave you alone for a while." He left the room.

My heart pounded within my chest and I broke down, I cried and covered my face. Jack came in with a distressed look on his face, he quickly came to my side and held me as I sobbed into his chest. "My baby, my baby. He's gone!" I cried. "No, no!"

As Jack held me and stroked my hair, my mother and step-dad came in. "No." My mother shook her head, she covered her mouth and began to cry. Nikki sighed and lowered his head, holding my mother as he too began to cry.

I balled my fists up in my hair and cried harder, "Why?!" I screamed, clutching Jack's shirt. No one said anything. All that filled this room was the quiet sobs of my mother and my own screams. An hour had passed, and my siblings were with me in the room, they heard of the tragic news too. I had stopped crying and just sat there in the bed, with my heart more empty and hurt than ever.

Everyone was quiet in the room, sitting or standing around with their heads down. I lifted my head and looked at my mom, my voice was dry and hoarse, but I spoke anyway. "Can you call Caleb, and then call his parents and tell them?"

She bit her lip and nodded, still emotional. She fumbled through her purse looking for her phone and started to break down again. Rosalie took her hands, "I'll do it." She found the phone in her purse and left the room.

I looked at the clock and checked the time, Caleb's would be here in about an hour or so. I dropped my head back into the pillow and stared at the ceiling, still without a word. They would ask me how I was doing, or how I felt. A nurse would come in once in awhile and take my pulse and check my eyes, making sure I wasn't going into shock. I wanted to. I wanted to become completely numb, just so I wouldn't have to feel this pain.

As I spent a long time watching the ceiling, footsteps entered the room and a low murmur from my mother and the moving of a chair was all I heard. "C'mon, let's let them have some time alone." She spoke to the people in the room.

As everyone was clearing out of the room, I slowly I turned my head to see who it was, and my eyes were met by Ryan's. He sat down in the chair next to the bed and placed his hand on mine. We were silent, but as I watched him I could see the tears well up in his eyes, he sniffled and rubbed his eyes. He shook his head, "I uh...I hate seeing you this way...Audrey, I'm so sorry." Tears streamed down his face as I just stared at him emotionless.

We watched each other for a long time. I swallowed hard, my mouth felt really dry. I slowly blinked and took in a deep breath, "I guess then we'll never know who the father was."

A look of pain was on his face and he lowered his head, still holding my hand. He tried his hardest not to cry, but I could feel his tears on my hand. I lifted his hand and brought it to my face, his hand gently placed against the side of my face. He watched me as I held his hand with both of mine, so tenderly as my eyes were closed. I lowered his hand and placed it over my heart as I breathed staggeringly. I kissed his hand before gently pushing it back to him.

I looked into his eyes and saw that he was feeling as much pain as I was. Right away fast footsteps came racing in and it was Caleb. His eyes were red and he looked distraught as he quickly rushed to my side. Ryan stood up and left the room, leaving us our privacy.

Caleb took my hands and looked at me. "Audrey."

I started to cry and I shook my head, "I lost the baby." He buried his face in his hands and cried just as hard as I did, his body shook from sobbing. We held each other and cried until we settled down, and had nothing to say. What could we say? What could anyone say?

The doctor came in and stood at the foot of the bed. "Are you the husband?" He asked Caleb. Caleb couldn't even work up the strength to speak, he just nodded.

"Okay. Now that you're both here, we need to talk about how you will go about this. Audrey, will you let the miscarriage finish naturally, expelling the tissue on it's own, or would going through a D&C be an option?" He asked.

"What is a D&C?" I slowly asked.

"A D&C is short for dilation and curettage. It's a surgical procedure where the dilation would be to open up the cervix and the curettage would be to remove the contents of the uterus, in this case the fetal tissue." He explained.

I sighed and thought for a moment, looking to Caleb. He looked up at me and shrugged his shoulders, "Whatever you want."

I slowly turned and looked back at the doctor, "I just want it out of me. I'll do the D&C."

He nodded, "Alright. Well we'll keep you here over night and in the morning we'll begin the procedure. You can't eat or drink anything for twelve hours, so tomorrow at-" He checked the time, "At about 11 in the morning we will start with the paper work. The total procedure will take about four hours, and afterwards you need to stay here for a couple more hours and then you will be discharged. Audrey, how far along were you? Just so we know." He took out his pen and was ready to write on the clipboard.

"Six weeks. Exactly." I replied, sighing afterwards.

After writing down a few notes, he left again. Caleb was quiet as he sat next to me. I wrapped my arms around my waist and took in a deep breath, sighing slowly.

"How am I ever supposed to get through this?"