The Way We Were

The next day after going through the long procedures of the D&C and not feeling any better, I was sent home after the longest and hardest day I've had to go through. I was still in pain and was prescribed some painkillers. Caleb had packed up my things and told me that he was taking me to the house in Nashville tomorrow, he didn't want me to go back to work. He said he wanted to take me away from here, that I needed time to recover and heal.

He too was still upset and in shock from last night. I just went up to my room and crawled into bed, pulling the covers over my head wishing that it was me instead of our baby. The blackness of my depression was filling my soul and I couldn't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

I wanted to die.

And the next day when Caleb took me home to Nashville, we had to request bodyguards when we went to and fro the airport. The news had broke to the media, and everyone knew. The first thing I did when I got home was go straight into one of the guest rooms and crawl into bed and sleep. I avoided Twitter, hearing that it was filling with messages of condolences. I asked a servant to cover the t.v in the room with a sheet since I didn't want to turn it on.

Flowers and cards were sent to our home and had apparently filled the living room downstairs. My mother had sent Hobbs along with other servants to stay at our home to answer the many calls and reply to the several condolence cards that we had received, since neither I nor Caleb could stand to let alone look at them.

Caleb's family would come over throughout the days to visit us, but I refused any visitors. Even when my friends and family offered to come out to Tennessee, I declined. Betty-Ann would come over with plates of food for us, but I couldn't even work up the strength, let alone the will to eat.

For weeks, the female servants had to help me into the bath and bathe me since I couldn't do that on my own. When they'd try to get me to eat, food only tasted like chalk to me. Caleb and I had hardly spoken to each other, not out of resentment or anger, but just because we didn't know how to deal with this. For the first time we felt the other slipping from each others grasps. For the first time in our marriage, we were hit with something we didn't know how to handle as a married couple.

Caleb would leave every day for hours at a time, he'd go to his parents house. At home he'd be sitting outside drinking and smoking, more than usual. When he'd come in, it'd always be very early in the morning and he'd go straight upstairs to our bedroom.

When I could work up the strength, I'd sit in bed and type at my typewriter. Writing things that came to mind, writing things that didn't make sense. Or I'd draw, and when I did it would be morbid and grotesque images, or it would be the simplest of picture. My room was beginning to fill with papers all over. On the walls, the floors, the desks.

Nikolas and Daniel had taken the role of head of Versace from me, "temporarily", to get ready to release the Fall line for Fashion Week in February. I had stopped acting. I stopped writing music.

I'd listen to my iPod and the only thing I could stand to listen to would be Mozart. Hobbs would come in with messages from my director for Factory Girl, at first they were messages of condolence and comfort, but then he had asked me when I might be back.

I had to think about that for a long time and told Hobbs to give him a call and just tell him that I was nowhere near ready to go back into filming. George understood and postponed filming until I was ready.

I had completely cut off all direct contact with my family and friends.

I could feel myself going in a downward spiral.

And I welcomed it.