Not Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

//Jayy\\

"Jayy please!" Dahvie sobbed, looking up at me, tears running down his face.

"No, Dahvie."

"I'm sorry though! I was drunk! I didn't mean to cheat on you!" 

"That's not an excuse, and you know it." 

Okay, so what happened was, Dahvie had gone to a party, and I didn't want to go. So I stayed home and waited up for him. He finally came home around one thirty in the morning! He was drunk as hell. With some dude practically dry fucking him! I kicked that dude's ass out, only to find out that they fucked before they left the party!

"Please..I'm so fucking sorry!" He begged.

"Whatever, Dahvie. Just go to bed. We can talk in the morning." He walked off to his bedroom, and I could hear him sobbing from here. Sighing, I got up and went into my room. I couldn't sleep though. All I could think about is him having sex with another guy. I can't believe he'd do this! He knows damn well that being drunk isn't a good excuse! 

After ranting in my head a few minutes longer, I finally passed out. 

*Next morning* 

The next morning, I woke up around nine. I put on some sweats that were lying on the floor and walked to the living room, only to find Dahvie sitting on the couch. Just staring straight ahead, the TV was off, the radio was off, and it was completely silent. 

"Why?" I asked, breaking the silence. He turned around, and he looked like shit. His hair was all fucked up, his eyes were red and puffy and he looked like he didn't sleep all night. 

"I was drunk...he seduced me. You know how I am when I'm drunk."

"Dahvie, you know that being drunk isn't an excuse."

"It's the only excuse I have." That seriously pissed me off.

"Why the fuck would you even show up with him? If you were gonna fuck that dude, why didn't you go to a hotel or something? Instead of coming back home?" He shrugged. 

"I wasn't thinking."

"Oh," I said. He didn't reply, just stared off into space again. 

"We're done." He turned to look at me as soon as I said that. 

"W-what? Why?"

"Because you cheated on me! I can't trust you anymore. Also, I think it'd be best if you stayed with someone else. I don't want to be around you." Dahvie just stared at me, dumbfounded and shocked. His lip quivered and he ran to his room. 

//Dahvie's POV\\

Jayy's words kept playing in my head. I was on the ground, crying my eyes out. He doesn't trust me? And he wants me to move out?

As if I don't regret this enough! I feel horrible about it! And the worst thing is, he isn't even gonna try to fix this! 

But the fact that he won't try and fix this, makes it seem like he never loved me. When Jayy first found me, I was sitting in the park, crying my eyes out. My first boyfriend had just broken up with me, and I was stupid enough to believe he loved me! I gave him my virginity and everything! He just let me cry on his shoulder, as I told him - a complete stranger at the time - everything. How he was my first love. How I gave my virginity to him. The breakup, and how depressed I was.

And I wasn't just depressed because of my boyfriend breaking up with me. Garrett, (The guy I was dating and the other half of BOTDF) was just one reason. That day, my best friend ever, Jenny, died in a car crash. And my grandma died from cancer. 

Jayy stayed with me for a while. During his stay, I attempted to kill myself at least five times. Every time, he found me, and took care of me.

But now he fucking hates me, and I'm at the same place I was then. Alone, and depressed. Someone knocked on my door, and I told them to go away. The door opened, and Jayy started talking. "Sally's here to pick you up. I'll bring your stuff later." He sounded so cold and distant! Wiping my eyes, I walked to the living room and straight to her car. She followed me and the drive was completely silent except for me crying. Once we got to her house, she showed me what room I was staying in. I ran straight inside my new room, and locked the door. 

"J-Jayy...I m-miss you s-so much. I'm so s-sorry.." I sobbed into my pillow. I heard Sally walk by the door, and she said, "Dude, just come over and make him feel better. He's fucking crying so hard right now.." 

I heard Jayy yelling something, but I couldn't make out what he said. Sally said okay, then hung up and kept walking. Not even 15 minutes later, I heard heavier footsteps walking towards the room. Those are Jayy's footsteps. Why would he come cheer me up though? Because Sally asked him too, not because he wanted to.

He knocked on the door and asked me to open the door. Crawling off my bed, I trudged towards the door and unlocked it, then went to lay back down. 

"Dahvie...?" 

I buried my face in my pillow, and felt the bed dip down under his weight. "Dahvie...you'll be okay...I was wrong to say I didn't trust you. I do trust you, more than anyone else. I was just mad. I'm sorry...I just really think we'd be better off as friends." 

You might think that but I don't. It's too late for that! After all we've gone through together, as a couple, he expects me to just "be friends" with him. It's fucking impossible.

"I agree..Look, I'm sorry, for everything."

"It's okay. Friends?"

"Best." I said with a fake laugh. 

*Three weeks later*

Oh my GOD! I want to fucking rip my hair out! I can't take just being friends with Jayy! It hurts so much, especially since he had a date that went really well last night! I cried my eyes out last night. 

Along with that, the fact that I can't kiss him, hug him, cuddle with him, or touch him anymore hurts. Every time I see him I want to give him a huge ass hug and kiss him, then I remember I can't, because I'm fucking stupid. There is nothing I regret more than cheating on Jayy. 

I hate myself for it, and I can't do this. Just being friends with him hurts so much. And him, Sally, and Andrew think I'm happy and fine again. But I'm falling apart. They don't know I hate myself. They don't know I cry myself to sleep, or cry whenever they're all gone. I've tried writing lyrics for the new album, but I can't think of anything. I've lost my passion for music. I've lost all will to go on without Jayy as mine. I really have no reason to live. Jayy is literally the ONLY reason I'm still alive. And I know I should be grateful that he's still my friend, but it's not the fucking same! 

I'm done. I'm done with everything. I can't fucking deal with this. Today is my last god damned day. I am a broken soul, nothing can help me now. Grabbing my pen and notebook, and I wrote my final letter.

"Dear Jayy, 

I love you so much. I'm so fucking sorry that I cheated on you. It was a dumb ass mistake. There is NOTHING I regret more than that. 

I absolutely hate myself for it. 

Everything hurts so much...and what hurts the most is that I can't have you as mine. It's so hard to not be able to kiss you and cuddle with you. You act different around me, like you stand a couple feet away from me whenever I'm in the room. That fucking hurts. You guys think I'm fine, but I'm a wreck. I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm done though. I'm gonna do what I always said I wouldn't. I'm getting rid of my pain. 

The permanent way.

I know it's a pussy thing to do but I don't care. I CAN'T live without you by my side. We've divided. There's only heartache and pain inside me now. I'm leaving today, because not loving you, is harder than you know.

I love you,
-Dahvie Vanity"

I put the letter under the pillow, and went to the bathroom to get a razor. I shoved it under the pillow with the note, and waited. They were going to a party or something tonight, but I said no when they asked if I wanted to go.

"Dahvie, we're leaving. Are you sure you don't wanna go?" Jayy asked. I smiled weakly and nodded, telling them to have fun. The front door slammed shut, and I put on some sad music. I put the note on the pillow, and grabbed the razor. I made one deep gash in my wrist, and soon, one cut turned to over fifty. 

Tears poured down my face as I watched the blood drip down my arms, and onto my blankets. I made another deep slash, and I felt...dizzy.  There was blood everywhere. Then darkness overtook me. 

//Sally\\ 

I walked into my house, supporting a drunk Andrew. Ugh. This sucks. I laid him on the couch, put a blanket over him and a trashcan by his head. 

"I wonder how Dahvie is doing.." I mused out loud. I looked at the time, and noted that it was three am. He's probably asleep. Shrugging, I went to bed and passed out as soon as I hit the pillow. 

Around ten thirty-ish, I woke up to the doorbell ringing. It's Jayy. He's coming over for breakfast. Getting out of bed, I smelled pancakes being cooked. "Hey, Jayy!" 

"Hi! Is breakfast ready?"

Andrew nodded, and served the pancakes. We had gotten through half of them, when I realized Dahvie hadn't joined us. 

"I'm gonna go see if Dahvie's okay." They nodded and continued eating their pancakes. When I walked to Dahvie's room, I panicked a little hearing Fiction by Avenged Sevenfold play. I knocked on the door, but he didn't answer. Biting my lip, I opened the door and gasped. On the bed, was Dahvie's body. Surrounded by blood. 

He had a razor in his hand there was a note by his head. I felt his pulse, and there was nothing there. He was pale as fuck, and his skin was cold and hard. I grabbed the note, and read it. Yeah, it wasn't my place to read a letter addressed to Jayy, but oh well! Once I finished, I wiped away tears.

 How did we not see it? The boy was fucking depressed! Everytime we went to the park, or anywhere for that matter, he declined. Because the park was where he first met Jayy...and every time he was close to Jayy, he gave him a sad look. In the mornings, his eyes were always red and puffy. How did we not notice this though? Wiping my face again, I put the letter in my pocket and walked toward the kitchen. "Is he awake?"

I gulped. 

"..N-no.." He won't ever wake up again. Maybe this was all just a horrible nightmare! 

I wish.

"Sally, what's wrong?" Jayy asked, a concerned look on his face. I felt my cheek, and I was crying again. I handed him the letter, and he gasped. 

"Oh my fucking god." Was all he said. Andrew took the letter from him and read it. "Holy shit." He whispered. They both looked at each other, then ran to Dahvie's room. 

"HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!" Jayy yelled. I walked to the bedroom, and hugged Jayy. He pulled away, and walked to the bathroom.  

Jayy came back with a wet washcloth, and removed all the dried blood, makeup, and dirt. Then he redid Dahvie's makeup. Once he finished with his makeup, he cleaned the cuts on his arms, and bandaged them, then kissed his forehead and whispered something to him. I raised an eyebrow at him. 

"I know he can't heal or anything. But I felt like I had to do it." I nodded, and he walked out of the room, probably to call an ambulance.  A few minutes later, the doctor people were knocking on the door. Andrew let them in, and they got Dahvie's body, said their condolences, and left.

Jayy was sitting on the couch, rereading the letter. 

"We have to tell the fans..." Jayy whispered. Andrew and I nodded, they should know. Jayy pulled out his phone, and typed something. When he was done, he wiped his tears away, and handed me the phone.

"I really hate to tell you this, but you guys deserve to know. Today, Sally went to go see if Dahvie was alright at breakfast, and when she got to his room, Fiction by A7X was playing. She opened the door to find Dahvie. Except he wasn't sleeping. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you this: Dahvie Vanity is dead. 

Dahvie, I don't know where you are, I'm guessing heaven, but I know you're happier. I regret ever breaking up with you. I love you, so much. I just wish things wouldn't have ended like this." Tears ran down my face as I passed the phone to Andrew. He handed the phone back to Jayy, then he sent it. 

Within a few minutes, both mine and Jayy's twitters had blown up. About twenty minutes later, it slapped us all in the face.

Dahvie was dead, gone forever.