Regret

“I love you.”
Those are three simple words, so why do they mean everything? Better yet why can’t I say them to you? I mean it with all my heart, so why couldn’t I squeeze the letters together to form the right words and let them fall from my lips? Why couldn’t I just face you and say it?
“I love you.”
Those three words, as simple as they maybe, are the hardest and sometimes the scariest thing in the world to say to someone when you don’t know what the reply will be. I almost said it to you once. I was so nervous; I practiced what I was going to say in the mirror. I got to school and mustered all my courage and pushed the doors open.
But, you weren’t there.
But, but I knew what lunch you had and I went. I saw you and I smiled and I wrapped my arms around you. I opened my mouth to let the letters that were squeezed into word flow from my lips into your ears and you said.
“I found someone new.”
And my heart died.
I was too late, but I smiled and said that I’m jealous and you apologized. But, you didn’t know why you were apologizing; you were just trying to make me feel better. You thought I was mad because you had a boo and I didn’t.
But what I really wanted was you.
I wanted to be yours, but you don’t always get what you wish for. I regret not telling you how I feel sooner, but I didn’t cry because you were happy. When you’re happy, I’m happy. Right? If that’s the case why is my heart still heavy with unspoken words? Why do my lips still itch to tell of hidden feelings? Why does my brain still go fuzzy when we talk and laugh? Or when you hold my hand in the halls or kiss my cheek? Why do I still die a little on the inside when you leave me and over your shoulder you say to me?
“Luvz you.”
Because it’s not the same as “I love you” and it will probably be all I ever get from you. But, I won’t cry because you’re happy and I won’t tell you how I feel. Yet, I still stand in front of the mirror. Practicing for the day when I can look into your eyes and tell you.
“I love you.”