The Lost Loves

He knew what would happen the instant he left his hotel room that afternoon, the sleep still in his eyes as he hid them from the sun behind someone else’s sunglasses – he wasn’t sure who’s they once were anymore, just that they were now his. He slipped inside the van and closed the door, always the last to find his way inside. A few rolled their eyes at him as he yawned whilst reaching for his seatbelt, still not quite awake. It got a little childish, after so many years of being the unreliable one. It got a little irritating to the rest.

They reached the venue and he helped unload the van before retiring to the couch in their dressing room. He threw his cardigan over his head and watched through the woollen weave as people ran about the place with various things in their hands, almost finding the effort to move as someone walked past with his guitar in their hands. He hated when people moved his things around. Come 9PM and he’d have no idea where it was. He was thankful for being gorgeous in those few rare instances where things failed behind the scenes, and all he had to do was stand there and people were still happy just for that. He was sure he was conceited and at times he knew he let that show, but he didn’t let it bother him too much. He was who he was, and there would be no changing that.

From the crowd stood many young boys and girls, along with the occasional dad. Matthew’s glazed eyes stared at each face and caught a few out, finding his target for the night. A few of those faces stared straight back at him, almost daring him to get under their skins, but that wasn’t what he was after for once. He was sick of it being too easy. He was sick of being predictable.

He caught the eye of a young girl in red, almost in the centre of the crowd but slightly left. She looked away with her cheeks the colour of her shirt, and in that instant he knew he’d found what he was looking for. His eyes would wash over her throughout the concert, and she grew more nervous each time it happened. Did he mean to be looking at her? Perhaps it was the girl beside her that had caught his eye.

Anna was the kind of girl that would wait out after a show, with a few friends in tow, to get the autographs of the band she’d just seen and if she was lucky, a photograph and a hug. She wasn’t feeling particularly lucky that night, and she’d not heard much of this particular band even waiting for their fans after their shows, but it was worth a shot. Even in the rain, it was worth a shot. It wasn’t that she was obsessive, it just gave her something to do. She needed something to fill her mind with, to be the fluff that daydreams consisted of.

She knew what was happening from the moment they stepped outside into the rain, their hoods up and numb hands extended with black markers. He gave her that look again, that look that would make any girl’s insides squirm, as he walked to the other end of the line.

It wasn’t long before he’d made his way down to her and her friends, who had started an argument about whether to get a photo or not which stopped as he approached. They never asked. He took the little yellow notebook from Anna’s shaking hands and signed his name, and in only her ear did he whisper something soft which was thankfully not carried with the breeze.

“What did he say?” She was pestered as she walked with her friends back under the small shelter outside the venue, trying to calm her racing mind. “Well?”

“Nothing. I gotta go. Have a good night, girls.” Anna was quick to excuse herself and her friends were soon distracted by how much Matthew’s signature changed over their pages, and forgot about her having left. She felt herself blush as she returned to where she’d met him in the rain and she waited, half expecting to be laughed at. Everyone else had left and only a few people walked by every now and then, some of them heading back inside the still crowded venue to have another drink. Anna had decided not to drink, but her mind was quickly changed as a figure appeared from around the corner and she wished she wasn’t sober. His umbrella folded out and above their heads as he got closer, a smirk now evident on his lips.

“You came back.” That was all he’d said, and Anna could only nod. Matthew smiled inside at how sweet she seemed, but that smirk wouldn’t fade to have it show on the outside. She was wearing one of his band’s shirts, which had faded to a maroon colour in the rain. His hand found the small of her back as he pushed her along with him, and into the back of a cab parked around the back of the venue.

She waited patiently as he got the wrong key for the lock to his hotel room twice before it finally opened wide, and he threw his umbrella and soaked hoodie to the floor in a heap. It was cold and Anna shivered, which he didn’t fail to pick up on.

“Cold?” She nodded, and he smiled. It seemed genuine. “Come, this way.” She followed him, knowing better but doing so anyway. He had a certain charm about him. Wasn’t this what she’d always wanted?

“What am I doing here?” she suddenly asked as he opened the door to the bedroom, already beginning to kick off his shoes. She wasn’t sure who she’d meant to ask that question to.

“Well, that depends on you.” He thought before he spoke the rest of what he might otherwise have just let out. This girl seemed a lot more fragile than some. He didn’t need to be telling her she was here to either have some fun, or to waste his time. “You’re beautiful, you know.”

Anna blushed, and he closed the door behind her. He was all over her then; his lips were against hers and his hands on her stomach, pulling at her shirt and wishing it away. She stood there as he stripped her, calling her pretty things with his lips pressed against her ear. He kissed her neck as his fingers ghosted over various curves and dips, before he pushed her backwards onto a soft white mattress. His fluffy red coat fell off his arms and landed softly on the floor behind them as Matthew advanced over her. The sheets smelt of lavender and this is all she could focus on for those first few minutes.

Anna woke some time before the sun was set to rise, surprised that Matthew was laying wide awake right beside her. She smiled, her head resting to lie against his chest. She listened to him breathe, small, shallow breaths, before she heard a sigh that was not her own.

“Were you dreaming?” he asked, his eyes not leaving the blank wall ahead.

“I don’t know. Were you?” Her fingertips trailed across his stomach as she spoke.

“We’re dreaming for sure love. But we’re dreaming different dreams whilst on the same bed.” He pushed her off his chest then and found her clothes for her, piling them on the end of the bed as he found one of the sheets to wrap about his waist. She knew what he was saying. Tears sprung to her eyes, but she was far too stubborn to let them show. She closed her deep blues instead as she waited for him to turn, and dressed herself as quick as she could. The look he gave her as she left the room wasn’t one of sympathy but it wasn’t one of distaste, either. He simply nodded at her as she closed the door, and then she let it all out. She could barely find her way out of the hotel through the haze.

Matthew took a seat on the end of the bed, unable to believe the person he’d become. He could still hear her agonising cries as they echoed throughout the room, pinning his heart in a weird spot in his throat. He would usually be okay with the situation because they were dreaming of sleeping with a rockstar, and he’d been the one wanting something more. That got tiring after a while. The thought of being forever alone was never dampened. This girl had been different, though, and he’d known that from the start. He’d meant for that. And somehow, through it all, he could see that he didn’t feel any better. This would be the first of the lost loves he was to make, and the first of those young souls he was to take.