Sweet Misery

The second I spotted Tessa, Carrie, and of course, Marshall I felt like crying.

I hated that all of this had to come to this conclusion. I mean, today was pretty much perfect. And here they come, prepared to chew it all up and spit it back out. This was mine. I had my own thing and dare I say it, my own friends. I didn't want to hang out with them. I wanted to stay with Garrett and joke around with Pat and maybe try out another game of beer pong with Jared. I didn't want them.

The three of them approached Garrett and I. Tessa held a smug smile on her lips and said, "I didn't expect to see you here. I thought you didn't like parties."

I shrugged, "I was already here for most of the day."

I watched as Tessa's eyes flicked to my fingers interlocked with Garrett's. She made a face I could quite place and clicked her tongue. Her eyes then flickered over to Garrett, "John was looking for you. He said it was important."

Garrett gave her a puzzled look, "Do you even know who I am?"

She rolled her eyes, "I know you're John's friend."

He nodded his head, then sighed. He looked over at me, "I'll be back in a bit." As he stalked away, I noticed the dirty look he shot over to Tessa.

Carrie grabbed onto Marshall's arm and brought him forward, "Why don't you two hang out. We'll get you some drinks." It wasn't even a question. A straight forward demand is what it was.

"Wait!" I called before they walked away, "Tessa, do you have a cigarette."

She grinned, "Of course!" She dug into her purse and pulled out the long, white stick. I took it greedily, placed it in between my lips and she lit it up.

"Thanks." I muttered.

I sat down on Kennedy's patio furniture with Marshall, inhaling the the cigarette and closing my eyes. The small stick managed to cool me down slightly. I was relaxed by the time I was prepared to talk to Marshall. I asked, "How are you?"

He shrugged his broad shoulders, "Alright. How are you?"

"I'm all good."

He paused for a minute, not saying anything. He opened his mouth several times to speak but nothing came out. Finally, he said something. "Actually, I'm kind of confused."

"Why's that?"

"Because I don't know why you won't go out with me."

I raised my eyebrows but avoided any eye contact with the guy. "Well, I never officially said no."

"So will you?"

I shrugged, "I don't know."

He let out a heavy breath accompanied by a soft chuckle. "I never knew you were this, I don't know, funny? I guess."

"Just because I'm a quiet little fucker in school doesn't mean I'm one outside of it. And I don't know why I'm this sassy around you. I think it's because you're somewhat quiet. I'm not intimidated by you. I suppose that's it."

He laughed again, "I'm happy to hear that."

As I took another drag, I noticed a tall figure making his way over to me. As he walked into the patio light I could make out that it was John, grinning seductively. "Still here?" He asked, ignoring Marshall.

I nodded my head, "You bet."

"I missed you when you went upstairs."

I felt my cheeks burning. Now John? Yeah. I was intimidated by John. For a moment, I stammered and panicked, looking around on the lawn filled with a countless amount of people for Garrett. He was nowhere to be found though.

"I'm sorry to hear that." I muttered.

"Kenny needs a refill on some chips inside. Can you come help me?" He asked, giving me a sincere smile. Everything inside me told me not to go with him. But my stomach-God damn my stomach-was growling and chips sounded highly appetizing.

I looked at Marshall and gave him a weak smile. I then looked up at John and said, "Sure."

Before stepping inside, I put out my cigarette in a potted plant. Not my most sincere action, but I really had no other option. As we crossed over the frame inside, John chuckled softly. "I didn't know you smoked."

"Rarely."

"You know," He began as he opened a cabinet in the kitchen, "it almost makes you hotter."

I felt my stomach erupt inside of me. I took steady breaths and looked everywhere except at him. He laughed again, "Come on, Harley. You're hot. Embrace it."

"Thanks." I choked out.

"Does Garrett know you smoke?"

I swallowed the knot in my throat, "I don't think so."

John turned around and suddenly his waist pushed into mine, pinning me up against the counter. He looked down at me and placed his hands on my hips. His fingers gently slid under the hem of my skin, feeling my burning flesh. He grinned down at me. I could feel his breath. "It'll just be our secret, okay?"

I nodded my head limply. I watched him lick his bottom lip steadily. Something was going on inside of me. My organs were trembling and shaking along with my finger tips. John wasn't letting me move and something about that didn't worry me. In fact, being conjoined to him right now was so enthralling that I nearly forgot about the pleasant sleep I had next to Garrett before.

John's hand reached up and played with my hair carelessly. At this point, the suspension was causing me to get weak in the knees.

"T-the chips?" My lips quivered.

He raised an eyebrow and chuckled softly, "There are no chips, Harley."

I then let out a dumbfounded, "Oh."

I should have seen the next thing coming. I mean, if anyone had watched any movie or t.v show before, they would have called what was going to happen next. Of course, just as John's hands cupped my face and began to pull me towards him, the door opened and someone coughed.

Without moving, John and I turned to find Garrett standing there, red faced and his glassy eyes wide. "Oh, uh," he started but never finished. He looked down at the ground, nodded and walked back outside.

I snaked my way out from underneath John. I started towards the door, leaving him in my wake. However, once I was outside, it became difficult to leave others in my wake. I pushed myself through people I didn't know, searching for Garrett. It wasn't until I found myself behind the crowd of people and staring up at a tree house. I sighed heavily, my shoulders falling.

As I climbed up the narrow tree, I tried to ignore whatever was going on inside of me when John's hands were all over me. That proved to be quite hard, though, due to the fact that I would have to explain whatever it was when I reached the top.

I climbed into the dark tree house, looking around. Off to my right I found Garrett, sitting cross legged and fiddling with a flashlight. "Hi," I breathed out.

He gave me a half-hearted smile, "Hey."

I wanted to explain everything to him. I wanted to tell him John and I didn't kiss and even if we had it wouldn't be good or anything because I don't even know how to kiss. I wanted to explain that the feelings I had inside of me weren't actually there. But when I looked up at Garrett I realized there was no real reason to explain anything. Even if something had happened, it didn't matter. It's not like Garrett liked me or anything. I'm sure he was just embarrassed about walking in on us...like....that.

"Um," I stuttered, trying to think of something to say, "can I tell you something personal?" I asked.

His eyes lifted and he nodded his head.

I swallowed the knot in my throat, "I've, uh, I've never been kissed before. You know, like a first kiss. One of those things."

His face softened and his eyes relaxed, "Really?"

I nodded my head sheepishly.

"I honestly wouldn't have ever guessed."

I ran a hand through my hair and moved more closer into the tree house. I rested my back against the wall and laughed lightly, "Yeah it sort of sucks and is painfully pathetic."

Garrett shook his head, "Nah. It's really not. My first kiss was shit. Most people's are."

I lifted my head, pursing my lips for a moment, "Could you tell me?"

"Tell you what? The story?"

I shrugged and nodded my head, "Yeah."

"Oh," He let out a tense breath, then laughed softly, "okay. Sure. John set me up on a date with that girl McKenzie Bronzer."

I instantly pictured me standing next to McKenzie. She was short and cute and I was tall and quirky.

"And I took her to the movies and then I walked her home and we were on her front porch. She kept standing on her toes because she was so short. I sort of got the message and I just kissed her."

I looked at him blankly for a minute, "That's it? You just kissed her?"

"Was I suppose to do something else?"

"No, I mean," I furrowed my brow, "Like, it didn't even phase you?"

He bit his lower lip and shook his head, "I wasn't really into her to begin with. I sorta liked someone else at the same time. It's kinda shitty. I wasted my first kiss. Most people do, though."

I nodded my head slowly, looking at the wood underneath me.

"Why don't you go back to the party? I'll be down in a bit." Garrett said.

"Are you sure?" I asked, my eyes zoning in on him.

He nodded his head reassuringly, "Yeah."

I pressed my lips together and nodded, "I'll see you down there."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I spent the rest of the night avoiding Tessa, Carrie, Marshall and John. I even stayed away from Garrett due to the fact that I was still unsure of what to say to him. I mainly hung out with Pat and Jared. They introduced me to a couple of their friends that I had never met before, all of which were very nice.

Around one o'clock I walked inside in hopes to find somewhere to crash. I was too nervous to walk upstairs and enter any of the bedrooms and the couch in the living room was currently occupied. So, instead I found myself sitting up against the wall in the foyer with my eyes closed.

I stayed like that for a good fifteen minutes before someone joined me. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to be disturbed. Eventually, curiosity got the best of me and my eyes flashed open.

John sat next to me with a beer in his hand. I looked at him, almost not surprised that he was the one to take a seat next to me. I took the beer out of his hands and took a long swig. As I gave it back to him, I inquired, "So tell me John, how many girls have you made out with tonight?"

He took the beer back, grinning smugly, "Why aren't you like this all the time?"

I rolled my eyes, "Like what?"

"Don't play dumb," He shook his head, "you're different than you usually are. But this is the real you. I know it is."

The worst part of this whole situation was that John was the first person to ever discover me. He knew I had two faces. He knew I was someone different.

"If you want the truth I really can't give it to you."

He took a swig, "And why's that?"

"Because I don't even know the truth."

Slowly and carefully, John set the bottle of beer down next to him. He placed a finger under my chin and raised my head slightly. I watched as he closed his eyes and gently moved forward. The next thing I can recollect is his warm lips caressing mine and then carefully pressing against them. Unavoidably, I fall into the kiss, realizing that this is what it actually is like.

Suddenly, I think of Garrett and I realize that I'm kissing John. My heart plunges into the depths of my stomach and I tear myself away from him, shaking my head. "I don't want you to be my first kiss."

John wipes his mouth and gives me a look, "First kiss?"

I don't respond. I simply look at the ground.

"You haven't been kissed?"

Anger boils inside me. I glare at him, "Why would you think I like you, John? What makes you think that you appeal to me in any way? You're my best friend's ex-boyfriend."

He rolled his eyes, "Please, Harley. We all know Tessa isn't you best friend or anything special. And maybe you don't like me in that way, but I know that I appeal to you. I appeal to everyone. Don't even try to tell me that you didn't like that kiss."

I stood up, huffing, "Fuck you. Fucking fuck you."

I found myself trudging upstairs and into Kennedy's door thankful to find no one in there. I sat on his bed, throwing my phone to my side and contemplating the events that just occurred.

There goes my first kiss.

Before I could really about what I was doing, I grabbed my phone and was calling the only person I wanted to see or fall asleep next to. He answered on the first ring.

"I'm in Kenny's room. Can you come? I feel weird being up here alone."

"Yeah, sure thing. I'll be up in a second."

Maybe it wasn't a second, but he sure was up there fast. When he walked into the room I wanted to hug him, but instead, I curled up at the top of the bed and he joined me without a word. And there we were, just like before, sleeping side by side without a worry.