Status: trying my best to keep this story alive

You Gotta Fall Before You Fly

Inside she's crying

"Hey whore, you going to fuck any other guy night? If you do, I hope he gives you AIDS." is just the usual hateful banter that I hear on a daily basis. I would usually just shift my black hair to cover the right side of my face and go on towards whatever class I had next. This one sentence however made me stop in my tracks; not because of the banter itself, but of the person who said it. I looked behind me to see my ex-best friend finger her red hair to the opposite side of her face while a left-sided smirk was on her face. That smirk proved she had finally got my attention and the worst of it is that I didn't realize why until I felt the drips of soda cascade down the front and back of my new blue blouse and black skinny jeans that I brought yesterday. I heard the laughter from everyone that had been within watching distance and I just stood there for a good five seconds looking in front of me at Marie who was laughing the loudest out of everyone and just wondered whatever had happened to the girl I used to know; the one friend that I had at this school that would have stood up for me somewhat or do something that would lift my hopes up a little bit. After that I just couldn't hold it in anymore and just rushed past her, her friends and all the by-standers towards the school exit and ran the six blocks from my school to my home.

I would have been able to drown out some of the laughter with my iPod but I had accidently left it on my iHome charger because I was running late for first period; my alarm clock never went off (probably my "perfect" older step-sister's fault). After rushing into the house, thanking whoever was listening that it was empty what with my mother and step-father still at work and step-sister probably hanging out with her friends. I slammed the door, left my shoes at the front, and practically flew up the stairs into my room. The one good thing that I will say about my parents is that they had brought a house large enough for everyone to have their own bathrooms and a small walk-in closet. I had ran into my bathroom and looked into the mirror finally noticing that my face was covered in the tears that had been falling freely. I didn't care about the tears at the moment as I walked back out and took off my drenched clothes and the backpack, and started up my iHome, found my favorite artist, clicked the button for all songs, and let the voice of Kellin Quinn flow around my four walls.

As I listened, I walked back into the bathroom and again to the mirror looking at my reflection and wondered perhaps that the best thing for everyone here would be to just end my life before more damage was said and done. I reached into my cabinet and pulled out my secret stash that housed my razor, a tiny knife, a small hammer that was used for a school project and never put back, and some cleaning products.

As I slightly pushed the razor up against my skin, I thought about every hateful word the students at my school said and pushed harder until drips of blood started coming out. I thought about every tear that fell down my face that no one would ever have the chance of seeing and pushed even harder. I thought about all the happy memories that I would only be able to relive in my dreams at night wishing there was a way to time travel back to them and pushed even harder until those drips of blood started to come out a tiny bit faster. As the next song played in the background, I took a listen to hear the lyrics and realized that it was my favorite song playing.

I sang along to the voice of Kellin singing Who Are You Now.

...Who are you now?
Did you say what you want?
Don’t go back to the start
I’m asking, who are you now?
Did they break you apart?
Won’t you fight back for what you want?

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
And sometimes you really live, you’ve gotta try
We can change it all together, in the end you’re gonna find
That what we felt in our hearts was real the whole time
When you open up your eyes, I hope that you find
Who you are, who you are...


After the song finished, I just sat on the bathroom floor and started crying again. Crying at myself for what I was about to finish, at myself for believing all the hateful words that they said, at myself for not standing up for myself, and for all the future memories that would have been wasted had I finished what I was doing. I picked up the hammer, walked back into my room, faced my bedroom mirror which hung on the back of the door, and just threw it as hard as I could. I heard the glass break into an infinite number of cracks, watched some of those pieces fall to the ground, looked at my cracked mirror that held some distorted reflections of myself on different sides, and made a promise to myself that I would never let something like this happen again, that I would never let a bunch of words and evil-minded people push me this far again, that I would find the silver-lining in everything in my life, and that I would be the person I had always dreamed of being but was always too scared to show.

I walked back into the bathroom for another time to sit on the floor near my stash; only this time instead of using it even more, I started putting everything away besides that of the cleaning products. After cleaning off my wrist and arm of all the fresh and dried blood, I picked up the razor and cleaned it as well. After I finished with everything, I put them all back into their little places and placed the entire thing back under my bathroom cabinet and headed towards my bedroom for the last time. I fingered through my undergarments drawer and picked out everything I needed while listening to the background noise downstairs of my family enjoying themselves. Haven't they noticed I never came down for dinner? Of course not, because it's not unusual for me to be down with the family most days. After getting dressed for the dreams that awaited for me that night, I pulled back the sheet covers and carefully slipped inside making sure not to injury myself anymore for the night.
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I just wanna say how extremely beyond extremely sorry I am that I never got around to updating this. I was busy what with Uni starting up again, getting addicted to Wattpad, and friends. I won't guarantee back to back chapters, but I do guarantee that I won't forget about this story for as I long as I did.

The title credit was probably the one thing that finally made my creative side kick in again for this story. So if you've never heard of the band Darling Parade yet, I suggest you hurry over to iTunes, Spotify, or Pandora and look up the band.