Flying Towards Change

The bruises around my neck faded eventually, but until they did, I was stuck with wearing a scarf around my neck at all times, even at the New Year’s party that I attended with the guys and at the Winter Classic game the next day. Claude may know what had happened on Christmas, but I don’t want anyone else to know. It’s my problem, and mine alone.
I put off talking to my dad as long as possible, but Claude would ask me every day if I said anything yet, and when I’d say no, he’d get all mad at me.
Not like I blame him. Walking in on seeing me getting beaten by my own blood probably wasn’t a good first impression. So I promised him that for his birthday, which was in a couple days, I would talk to my dad.
Therefore, it was time. Claude has threatened to go to police, so I need to do this now or never. I have the whole Flyers team backing me up though, so if anything does happen, they will try to help me get him help.
I wasn’t going to give up on my dad.
I sighed as I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and headed towards the door to my room. I glanced at a picture that sat on my desk in the corner of my room and smiled. It was a picture of Claude and I at Christmas dinner, side by side, his arm around my waist as we both laughed at a joke that one of Danny’s sons made right before the picture was taken. I don’t understand how we came so close, and I don’t understand our relationship completely, but I do know I can lean on him for anything.
And that look in his eyes in the picture... it was if he was staring right at me. In my head I can just see him scolding me for not being downstairs already.
So, with a slump of my shoulders, I cautiously made my way downstairs. My dad didn’t have anything to drink today, which means he’s usually a little nicer and tolerable, but sometimes you just can’t know with him.
He was sitting in his usual chair, eyes vacant as he stared at the TV. I couldn't even tell you what was on.
As I sat down in the couch, I grabbed the remote and switched off the TV and he still didn’t lose that dead look in his eyes. “Dad?” I said quietly, nervously.
His eyes focused suddenly, and he looked over at me. “Alanna?” he asked, his voice muffled and defeated.
I licked my lips nervously, staring down at my hands as I played with a string coming out of the seam of my jeans. “Papa, I need to talk to you about something.”
My dad straightened his posture and looked at me. “I’m listening.”
I gulped loudly and hesitated. But he waited patiently. “Daddy, you need help.”
“Excuse me?” He didn’t say that in a mean way. He said it as if he was... confused.
I licked my lips once again, still not looking up. “Your an alcoholic, dad. You need help. You can’t keep living like this. You will kill yourself.” My dad started to say something, but I cut him off. “I know you miss maman, papa, so do I, every minute of every day. But life goes on. Maman wouldn’t want us to live this way, so separated from society and sad all the time. I know she wants us to be happy, and I know she’s upset that we aren’t happy. Especially you.”
“Alanna,” he said, his voice strained with pain. However, his voice wasn’t angry. The first time in a long time. “Alanna, I just can’t forget her.”
“You don’t have to forget her, papa!” I said, finally looking up at him, my eyes desperate for him to understand. “I’m not forgetting her, and I’m trying to be happy. She will always have a huge part in my heart, but I have to move on and do whats best for me. She would want that. The same goes for you. Do you remember what she said right before she passed? She said, ‘don’t give up. I’ll always be with you.’ How can you forget that, papa?”
Tears started to swell in my father’s grey eyes. “You don’t understand how hard it is for me to be without her, Lanna. She was everything to me.”
“I don’t understand, dad?” I shrieked, tears spilling from my own eyes now as I stared at him. “How do I not understand? You lost your wife, dad, and your best friend, yes. But I lost my MOTHER! She was my best friend too! She was my support and my strength. She was my maman! Do you know what it’s like for a girl to grow up without a mother?” My father was silent as he dipped his head in shame. “It’s horrible! It’s the worst thing in the world, growing up without a mother, without a parent in general.” Both of us were sobbing uncontrollably now. “So tell me how I don’t understand, papa. Please, tell me. We both lost someone who meant the world to us, but you don’t see me sitting around and doing nothing, drinking my life away.”
Silence.
“Papa?”
“What do you want me to do, Lanna?”
I leaned back a bit, sniffing as I tried to control my tears. “I want you to get help. I want you to get help for your drinking, and I want you to see someone to help you through the grief.”
My dad closed his eyes tightly, fingers pinching his nose as he too tried to compose himself. I just continued to stare at him, desperately hoping he agrees.
“Ok,” he said finally, dropping his hand as our identical eyes met. “Ok.”
I chocked on a sob and jumped out of my seat on the couch just as he stood up and I launched myself in his arms, holding onto him tightly. “I’ve missed you, papa. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said, crying again. “I’m so sorry. You lost your mom, but you also lost your dad to alcohol. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for everything, ma petite, mon ange. I’m so ashamed of myself. Please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, but please, please forgive me.”
“I forgive you, papa,” I said through my tears. “I forgive you.”
My dad pulled away and looked down at me. “You grew up way too fast. And it’s all my fault.”
“Just be quiet, daddy,” I said to him. “Just get help and everything will be ok.”
He nodded and hugged me again. We stayed intertwined with each other for a good few minutes before he stepped back. “Do we have a phonebook?”
“In the drawer by the home phone,” I answered, wiping my tears away. “Why?”
He looked at me... and smiled. I haven’t seen my father smile in the longest time. “I’m going to get help, starting right now.”
I returned his smile, my heart feeling light. “Ok.”
He walked into the kitchen and I dropped back to the couch, smiling and crying at the same time. I pulled out my phone to call Claude, but he didn’t answer. My brows furrowed a bit, but it didn’t dampen my mood. I just went to my next best friend by the name of Max Talbot.
“Sup, little lady?” the Frenchman answered, flirtation in his tone.
I chuckled a bit with a sniff. “Do you know where Claude is?”
“Napping most likely, knowing him. He always naps. Why? What’s up? Are you crying?”
I laughed lightly. “I am, but I promise it’s a good crying.”
“There’s such a thing?”
“Max.”
He chuckled. “I’m just kidding.” He was silent for a moment and I could hear my father on the phone in the kitchen making appointments. “You know, you should go over. I bet he wouldn’t mind your face waking him up.”
There was something in his tone that made me blush and I found myself saying, “you really think so?”
Max gave a loud laugh. “Babe, I know so.” He tripped over his words. “Oh, and I didn’t just call you babe, ok? I’d get socked.”
I laughed and wiped my eyes, revealing that my mascara had run. “Ok. I’ll go over then.”
“Talk to you later then, Alanna.”
“Bye, Max.”
I hung up the phone and headed into the bathroom to get all the running mascara off my face. When I came out, my father was there, leaning against the wall, with a light in his eyes that I haven’t seen since my mom got sick.
“When can I meet this guy?” he asked, his voice almost... playful, and I blushed. “I mean, besides when I’m in a drunken rage.” A look passed in his eyes, and I realized that he clearly remembers all the times he has hurt me in an uncontrollable anger.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it, papa,” I said gently, and his eyes flashed his sadness. “I know if you really knew what you were doing, you wouldn’t have done it.”
“I’m sorry, Lanna,” he whispered, and I hugged him again. “Seriously though, when can I meet him?”
“Daddy!” I said loudly, pushing away as my cheeks flushed brightly. “He’s just a friend.”
“Uh huh,” he said, giving me one of those ‘looks’. “I may have been drunk off my ass, but I saw how passionate he was in protecting you. I saw the look on his face.”
I headed towards the closet and put on my coat. “Please stop,” I said, begging, my face as red as an apple.
Then he laughed. My dad actually laughed! For the first time since I was sixteen years old, he laughed. And there is no better sound than my dad’s laughter.
I just stared at him, eyes wide in disbelief. When he stopped laughing and looked at me, there were laughing tears in his eyes.
How is it that just last night, just a few hours ago, he was so deep in depression.
Because the words of a daughter mean more to a father than any other words could. Only words from a daughter will save a man.
Claude said that to me last week.
He was so right.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” he asked quizzically.
“No reason.” I smiled. “I’m just happy. Happy you’re back.”
He returned my smile before throwing something at me. With my right hand, I caught the keys to his barely driven car. I looked at him in shock. “Go.”
“Merci, papa,” I said, suddenly hugging him again. “Merci, for coming back to me.”
“Non, merci for saving me, Alanna. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but for now, I’m content.”
I nodded and pulled my coat around me tightly and headed out the door, my shoulders light and heart soaring. I got in the car and started heading over to Danny’s place to see Claude and tell him everything that happened.
For the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. Truly, unconditionally happy.
I made it to Danny’s house and he let me in with little surprise. I had a feeling a certain birdy probably gave him a heads up.
I wandered over to Claude’s door, and opened it quietly, slipping in as silently as possible. I closed to door gently and pulled a sheet of paper out of my purse and unfolded it. It was a sign that read, ‘Happy Birthday! I talked to my dad :-)’.
While still trying to be as silent as possible, I carefully sat down next to him and took in his features. His eyelashes fluttered as he dreamed, and his golden-ginger hair was all in disarray. He was laying on his back, one arm under his head and the other resting across his body, which had on his bright orange Flyers sweatshirt. His lips were slightly parted as he breathed.
I’m not sure how long I just stared at him sleep, but he is just a beautiful soul while he’s asleep. I stared at his lips a little longer than intended before shaking my head and leaning forward to gently brush away the curls on his forehead. He twitched at my touch, but didn’t move otherwise.
“Claude,” I whispered, running my fingers down his cheek softly. “Claude?”
“Mmm, go away,” he muttered, rolling over suddenly, causing me to jump up so I didn’t get rolled on.
I couldn’t help but giggle. “Claude, wake up.”
A snore.
I frowned playfully. “Ok, be that way.” I took a hold of the pillow he was lying on and suddenly yanked it from underneath his head.
Claude jolted up suddenly, almost knocking me in the forehead with his own, shouting profanities before he realized it was me, laughing my ass off. He blinked in confusion as I plopped on the floor in hysterics at his priceless expression.
“Alanna?” he asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes. “Lanny, what are you doing here?”
“I came to tell you something.” I reached for the sign. “I know I’m a little early, but,” I held up the sign and grinned as he read it, his eyes widening as he looked up at me.
“Really?” I nodded, grinning from ear to ear. “So...?”
“He’s going to get help! It took some heartfelt yelling but he’s going to get better!” I hugged him tightly. “I’m going to get my papa back, Claude. All because of you.” I whispered the last part quietly.
“Lanna,” he said softly, holding me just as tightly. “I’m so happy for you.” He pulled away and looked at me. “But I didn’t really do anything. I just gave you the push you needed.” He winked.
I smiled and blushed, looking down. His finger was suddenly under my chin as he lifted my gaze up to meet his green-blue eyes. My blushing intensified as he stared at me deeply.
He started to lean forward, just before Danny threw open the door and the two of us jumped apart in surprise.
As I looked at Danny and the grim look on his face, I knew something was wrong.
“Alanna, there’s someone here for you.”
I looked at Claude in confusion, but he just shrugged, as confused as I was. I headed out towards the front door, and a police man was standing in the foyer. He looked at me. “Are you Miss. Preveau?”
“Yes?” I asked, my heart racing. “That’s me.” I felt Claude’s presence behind me.
“I’m so sorry, Miss. Preveau, but your father shot himself in the head just a few minutes ago.”
My heart dropped. “No... no, you’re wrong!” I shouted at him, tears stinging my eyes. “He’s going to get help for his depression and grief! He’s ok now!”
“I’m sorry, but he called 911 saying it was an emergency, and when we got to the house and he broke in, we found that he had shot himself in the head. He even left a note. That’s how we found you so quickly. He knew you’d be here. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Honestly, I didn’t hear the past half of what the police man said. I started swaying on my feet as I sobbed uncontrollably, and before I knew it, my vision started to blur and I felt like I was falling before strong arms caught me and squished my small frame against theres.
And then everything went black.