You're Pretty From Afar

As soon as I walked back onto the bus with Max I felt Josh’s eyes fixate on me but I managed to avoid all eye contact and sat crossed legged next to Mia who gave me a concerned look.

“I’m fine,” I whispered, smiling reassuringly but it was myself I was trying to reassure.

It was obvious everyone knew something was up, I remained quiet whilst everyone was sitting there and I could feel Josh’s eyes burning a hole through my skin and I just couldn’t take it. I got up and climbed into my bunk trying to shut the world out.

***

The next few days weren’t great, I had to admit. I was still so unbelievably pissed at Josh but more than anything I felt severely hurt by what had happened. I tried to not let it affect me but I knew everyone around me could sense that I was upset, they just didn’t know why. Mia and Max made sure that my mind was taken off Josh and hung out with me as much as possible which I was grateful for but in a way I felt like a burden to them even though I knew they were my friends, I just felt like I was intruding on their time together.

Somehow as much as I tried to steer clear of Josh he just always popped up in the most random of places and I couldn’t stand it. Like when we were on the bus with everyone he would always stare at me or flash me glances every five seconds. Even when he was sitting with his arms around Holly I could feel his eyes boring into me, it made me feel so uncomfortable; occasionally I would catch his eye by accident and I had to tear them away, I couldn’t do this longer. I felt sorry for Holly, she had no idea what had happened and the things Josh had said and done, it wasn’t fair on her. Fair enough I wasn’t open to the idea of her and Josh but she seemed a nice enough girl and it just wasn’t right that Josh had lied to her; I suppose that he had chosen her so there was no need for her to find out if it was going to break her heart. There were already too many of those around, mine included.

Everyone was out and about today but I just felt like a lazy day so I could explore for myself and maybe meet up with some friends I’d made in Mayday Parade or something. As I was pouring myself a bowl of Lucky Charms I heard someone else jump onto the bus, it had to be Josh didn’t it. He looked at me, startled by my prescence but I just turned my back to him and carried on. I could hear him rustling around behind me but I refused to let him affect me, I don’t care if I was being childish, I was just going to ignore him and pretend he wasn’t there. Once I had made my breakfast I headed back to eat it in my bunk because I was not going to sit down with Josh in the same room.

“You can eat in here you know, I don’t bite,” Josh said casually.

I didn’t even turn to look at him, “No thanks.”

“Lily, we can’t keep doing this,” he said desperately, “I’m sorry,” I didn’t want to but I stopped in my tracks and eventually turned to look at him. “I don’t know what happened, I came back that morning to tell Holly that it was over but I just didn’t know what to say, I just wanted to wait until we got back home, it wouldn’t be fair otherwise. I still want to be with you Lily, I love you,” he finished and stepped towards me slightly.

I thought about what Josh said and it actually made sense, it probably wasn’t the best idea to tell Holly whilst she was however many miles away from home but that still didn’t excuse him, why didn’t he talk to me about it. I didn’t even know what he wanted from me so I just assumed the worst and now it was too late; to me, it seemed like he had made his decision and that was it. This was the last time I was going to let Josh do this to me, as much as a part of me wanted it, we obviously just weren’t meant to be.

“You’re right Josh we can’t keep doing this and quite frankly I don’t care anymore, I can’t go through this again. You made your choice Josh, just live with it,” I said bluntly and turned around towards my bunk again. Once again I was left feeling shit and confused about everything, but some part of me was relieved that I hadn’t given in. I was finally able to move on and forget about Josh, just as long as he stayed away from me I would be fine, right?

Later that day we were all headed out for a late before Holly was due to fly home; it was a beautiful day, the sun shining and everyone just seemed happier than they had in a while- even I was enjoying myself despite earlier confrontations. Josh obviously didn’t get the message that I wanted him to leave me alone because he still kept looking at me and trying to make me look at him, I wouldn’t do it though, I had to forget about him. To be honest, he was being a dick. Everyone could tell he was in a foul mood, they all thought it was because Holly was leaving but he wasn’t even paying her much attention- he hung his arm around her loosely like it could’ve been anyone and whenever she made any effort to try and talk to him he would only nod or respond distantly. I saw Holly’s face, she wasn’t happy, I saw how hurt she was by Josh’s detachment. Josh was right about one thing though, it wasn’t fair on her but he was hardly being the world’s best boyfriend was he?

“I wish he would stop looking at you, it’s so annoying,” Mia whispered in my ear.

I sighed heavily, “You and me both. I can’t stand it, it’s getting to the point where I can’t breathe, he’s making me feel so claustrophobic.”

“Just try and ignore it, he’ll get bored soon,” Mia smiled hopefully.

“I doubt it. I know exactly what he’s doing, he’s trying to see if I feel the same way about him as he does about me. He’s looking for some sort of other reaction from me, one that he wants to see, not the ones I’ve been giving him. But I won’t do it Mia, I can’t, not anymore,” if I wanted to I could’ve cried my eyes out right then but I managed to control myself and Mia just held my hand to comfort me.

It was time for everyone to say goodbye to Holly so we all got up from the table and left the restaurant as her cab was outside. Josh couldn’t go with her to the airport because he had to do press in an hour but I was pretty sure he was using it as some lame excuse.

Everyone gave Holly a hug and ran through the usual ‘catch ya later’, ‘see you soon’ and all that. She was actually a really nice girl and if it wasn’t for all the complications going on we could probably be good friends. Josh was obviously the last one to say goodbye to her so everybody stood back and let them have a moment, but there wasn’t much need because he simply placed a kiss on her lips and hugged her. I tried not to watch but as he pulled away from the hug he finally managed to catch my eye, he looked full of remorse and sorrow, but I just gave him a disapproving look and turned to Mia. He wasn’t worth it.