Meaningless Routine

The radiation took a big toll on Aiden. He was exhausted and the medication they gave him didn't help that either. He slept all the time, but that was good. He had to stay in the hospital for a week to monitor how it was going. I stayed at the hospital the whole time. My dad wasn't pleased, and I knew Aiden was worried about me, but I didn't want him to be alone.

Aiden was sleeping while I was reading a book in the chair across the room. He had fallen asleep watching television, and the soft lull of the television and the beeping of his machine had grown to be soothing.

I glanced over at him with a sad smile to myself. I wanted Aiden to be better. I didn't want him to be sick or be suffering anymore. Aiden didn't deserve that.

My entire life, I had never been much of a crier. It was rare of me to shed a tear but it seemed like that was all I had been doing lately. I only did it when Aiden was sleeping. I didn't want him to know I had been crying. I had to be strong for him.

Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was three, which was the time the nurse would come in to check his vitals and pain level. I knew she hated to wake him up, but it was needed.

Nurse Kara woke him up and Aiden stirred awake. He made a face and he suddenly grew pale. I stood up quickly, reaching for the trash can and putting it in front of him, just as he began to throw up in it.

Kara looked at me and I knew she was telling me with her eyes to leave for the moment. I obliged, even though I didn't want to.

While Kara cleaned Aiden up, I didn't roam too far. I went to the small coffee kiosk on the floor by the elevators and got a coffee. As I walked past all the other hospital rooms, I grew even more sad. Some of the patients were much older than Aiden but many were also much younger. Some were just toddlers and that broke my heart.

As I arrived back at Aiden's room, I heard him talking to Kara. "And she cries, all the time. I pretend to be asleep because I know she doesn't want me to know. I don't know what to do Kara."

"Oh sweetie, there's nothing you can do. Alex loves you and she's just scared. Just make sure she knows you love her and you're going to be okay. She's going to be okay."

"I just hate that she has to go through this. She should have just stayed in Texas. I don't want it put her through all this shit."

I didn't want to hear anymore, so I made myself known. Kara smiled at me and Aiden reached his hand out to me. She excused herself as I moved closer to Aiden.

He kissed my hand. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

Shaking my head, I moved forward to kiss him, relieved to taste the toothpaste on my lips. He smirked, knowing I had been worried about that. "Don't ever apologize. I love you."

"You should go back to your dads for a little bit, baby. I'm not going anywhere."

Aiden shifted over as I sat down in the bed next to him. "I'm not going anywhere," I said back to him. "I'm never leaving you again Aiden."

He ran his thumb over the back of my hand. "I know, baby. But you aren't leaving me. You're just going to shower and eat real food. I love you but you don't need to be here all the time. I won't die any time soon."

"Aiden, that isn't funny."

A small smile spread on his lips as he looked at me. I shifted so I could lean into him and he moved his arm around my waist. I let my eyes fall shut as we lied there together. I truly had missed Aiden but I hated that it took a tragedy like this to bring us together again.

I ended up falling asleep next to him. He did, too. Nurse Kara woke us up a couple hours later and showed us a couple pictures she took because we looked "too darn cute together", as she said.

She brought us dinner and we ate together, watching some show I was barely paying attention to. I was more worried about Aiden. When Kara asked him about his pain level, he looked at me and then said five. I knew it was a lie and so did Kara. She called him out on it and he admitted that it was about a seven and a half. I looked down when he said that, not wanting him to see the tears I had in my eyes.

After adjusting the morphine in his IV, Kara left. I frowned at Aiden and put my hand on his arm. He looked at me. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Why on this earth would you be sorry, Aiden? You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one sorry that you have to go through this."

I leaned over and kissed him. He kissed me a second time when I pulled away. "I'm doing all of this for you," he admitted softly. "I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for us."

The tears formed in my eyes again and I looked down. But Aiden grabbed my face and made me look at him. He whipped away the tears. "Are you scared?" I asked.

"Of what?"

"Of dying."

Aiden thought for a moment. He finally sighed and shook his head. "No Alex, I'm not." That was the first time he ever didn't deny that he was dying. "Are you scared?"

"I'm scared of living without you. I'm scared of you not leaving this hospital. I'm scared of not being with you. I think I'm scared enough for the both of us."

I didn't think it was funny, but Aiden laughed. He pulled me as close to him as possible and pressed his lips to my head. "I can't wait to have a future with you. We can travel the world and take our kids everywhere."

"We can go to Australia and Paris and Rome. We'll show them Texas and New York."

He smiled at me. "As long as I'm with you, we can do anything you want. We should go to all those places first and then we can take our kids to all the places we had our memories with. We can share our stories."

I nodded at him and leaned over to kiss him. "I can't wait."

"Go home and shower. You're starting to smell worse than me."

I rolled my eyes at him, as I always did. I stood from the bed with a nod. "I guess. I'll be back in two hours. Make sure you let me know if anything at all happens. I'll tell Kara to do the same."

Once I stood up and collected my things, I leaned over to kiss him. He grabbed the back of my neck to hold me closer and longer, which I was more than okay with.

At my dad's house, I showered and ate real food. I grabbed fresh clothes for myself and decided to stop by Aiden's house to get new clothes for him, also. His dad and step mom were home and they greeted me at the door. They had just gotten home work and they both looked exhausted. I know they were working over time, trying to pay for all of Aiden's treatments and bills. I felt so awful for them.

His dad helped me gather clothes and they told me to tell him that they were sorry they couldn't make it up but would visit soon. Instead of going straight to the hospital, I drove around first. I needed fresh air, so the windows were down.

All I could think about was Aiden. I wanted him to be better. I wanted us to be better. I wanted a life and a family and a future with him. I wanted everything and more.

When I finally got back to the hospital, I went to his room with my bag and his bag on either shoulder. I found Kara before I made it to the room and she smiled at me.

"He's perfectly fine, Alex," she assured me. "Well while you were gone."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh honey, he isn't doing well. Aiden won't tell you but you need to know. He isn't responding well to the radiation. His body is rejecting any help we're trying to give him. You deserve to know and I'm sorry I had to the be the one to tell you. Aiden really should have by now."

My body didn't give me the chance to say anything before it started going back to his room. There were more tears in my eyes as I walked back into the room.

When I walked in, Aiden smiled at me. It fell when he saw the tears in my eyes and the angered expression on my face. "What's wrong, baby?"

"You lied to me."

He looked taken aback and confused. "What do you mean?"

"You say there with me not three hours ago and we talked about having a future. We talked about our plans and our kids. How could you sit there and lie to me about having a future when you don't expect to have one?" He opened his mouth to speak, but I didn't let him. I continued to talk through the tears falling. "How can you do that? Kara told me about the radiation and how it isn't working."

I wiped at my eyes. I didn't want to cry anymore, but I couldn't help it. "Oh baby, we'll still have a future. I didn't lie. And I didn't lie about fighting for us. There's other options, we have time. I'm not going anywhere, Alex. I'm never going anywhere."

Moving towards him, I lied down next to him and cried into his side. He kissed my head, soothing me as I continued to cry.

"I'm not going anywhere," he repeated.