Break Your Little Heart

Chloe woke to the feeling of his eyes on her moments before she felt the bed shift and a familiar pair of warm, long arms wrap around her midsection, pulling her into his lean body. She felt his chest expand as he buried his face in the top of her head and inhaled deeply. He let out the most contented sigh she’d ever heard, drawing a smile to her lips.

“You didn’t have to come.” She mumbled, snuggling deeper into him.

“My bird said she needed meh. Yeh know I’m a suckeh fer women in need.”

Chloe flipped over, bringing her hands up to cradle the face she hadn’t seen in over a month. Tears started pooling in her eyes before she could stop them. Oli let out a soft groan before tightening his grip so Chloe was pressed against his chest.

“Awh, don’ cry, love. I’m sorreh, I didn’t mean teh intrude. I can leave if yeh want.”

“You idiot.” She mumbled into his neck, half laughing as she tried to push away just far enough to look him in the eye. “I cry every time I see you after tour.”

“I know,” Oli sighed. “But I don’ send yeh halfway across tha world evereh time I tour.”

“You were only trying to help. I can’t be mad at you for wanting me to be happy. Even if you went about it in a bonehead way.” Oli let out a soft chuckle.

“At least I’m yer bonehead.”

“You’ll always be my bonehead.” Chloe whispered, burrowing her face into his neck and taking a deep breath of the pure Oli scent she had been pining for since their last night together.

Oli let out a satisfied hum, the sound so soothing Chloe felt every one of her muscles sink deeper into his embrace. A feeling of complete calm washed over her. She hadn’t felt this balanced and at peace in weeks. It was the reason she knew deep down that Oli was hers. No one else, not even Zack or Alex, had ever managed to make her feel this complete. As if she was finally whole instead of just fragments waiting to collapse at the slightest disturbance. And he didn’t even try. Didn’t attempt to understand why she was the way she was or what would “fix” her problems. Never made rash declarations, save for that one night that she still refused to acknowledge. He just loved her, simple and pure. It was all Chloe had ever wanted, all she had ever needed. The knowledge that no matter what, at the end of each and every day, Oli would be there loving her. The feeling was so powerful it made her head swim.

Soft lips pressed into her hair. It was enough for Chloe to lose it. All these weeks she had felt as if a vital part of her was missing. Like one of her very own limbs had been ripped off and thrown away and she had been left alone and bleeding. Without any warning Chloe found herself clinging to any part of Oli she could touch. Her lips found his, their kisses harsh and desperate. It was like taking the first breath of air after being held underwater until almost lifeless. She couldn’t get enough of him, and he was just as needy for her. His fingers dug deep into her hips, her back, her butt, baby bruises blossoming underneath them. As if he had to reassure himself that she was really here, really back in his arms right where she belonged. Her own hands moved from his jaw to his hair, gripping fistfuls in an attempt to pull him even closer. Fire spread across their skin everywhere they touched, and then even clothing was too much between the two. Seams ripped and buttons flew, landing in a scattering of quiet pings across the floorboards. Oli pressed Chloe closer and closer until neither one could even tell whose skin was whose. All of their passion and want and need for each other combined in an explosion that left Chloe feeling as if her world was never going to be the same again.

“Fuck, I missed yeh so much, Chloeh.” Oli’s whisper was raw and fierce with emotion, his lips so close she could feel the movement of each word on her ear as they both came down from the highest of highs. “I’m nevah sendin yeh away again, love. Next time I go on tour, yeh’re comin wiff.”

“Yes. I will.” Chloe’s own voice quivered in the still night air. Her mind reeled with what she was about to agree to, but somehow she couldn’t stop the words from coming. Couldn’t stop herself from finally answering the question Oli had thrust upon her without any warning that last night before he left for tour. “I’ll marry you, Oliver Sykes.”

But as she slowly peeled herself off of him to see the look in his eyes at her surprise acceptance, she realized he hadn’t even heard her. He was already fast asleep, jet lag, the toll of flying, and their combined spontaneous combustion catching up with him at the worst possible moment. And suddenly that was actually perfectly okay with Chloe. Her unexpected statement had brought all of her biggest fears roaring to life and a sense of claustrophobia began to settle in.

It’s probably for the better that he didn’t hear you. A tiny voice said from the deepest, darkest part of Chloe’s mind. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life following Oli around like some pathetic little shadow? Just like Alex wanted you to follow him around all those years ago? Do you think you even deserve the kind of love either one of those men have for you? You’re toxic, Chloe. Always have been, always will be. Alex was right about you. You get what you want and you break what you get. Oli deserves so much better than some fat whore that still thinks about her ex when she drinks too much. And could you even imagine what the media would have to say about you? Sure, with enough photoshop you might manage to pass as a model but paparazzi cameras always add 10 pounds. How do you think Oli would feel about his picture being plastered all over the internet with a whale like you on his arm?

Chloe knew she was spiraling. She knew she should tell that voice to shut the fuck up and go to hell, like her therapists had taught her at the clinic in L.A. Like Oli would tell her if he could see the panic etched so clearly across her face right now. But Chloe wasn’t at the clinic anymore. And Oli was part of the trigger this time. She couldn’t stop the destructive thoughts this time. Not here in this place that held so many terrible memories, lying next to the man who had asked her for the one thing she couldn’t give without first loving herself completely. And that right there was the problem. Even after all these years, Chloe didn’t love herself at all. She had been lying to everyone for years and, master of deception that she was, they had all believed her. But in reality, Chloe still hated every inch of her being. She wasn’t sure she would ever stop.

Feeling as if she was on the verge of a full blown panic attack now, Chloe scrambled her way out of bed. Her breath was coming in odd, painful gasps as she stumbled around the room blindly searching for her running clothes. She had to get out of here. Out of this room, out of this house, out of this mind of hers that wouldn’t stop degrading her down to the most worthless scrap of scum alive. She yanked on her leggings and sports bra so viciously she could hear threads ripping, tied her shoes so tightly she could feel the laces cutting into the tops of her feet. Seconds later she was racing out the front door and blasting down the driveway, once again attempting to physically outrun the demons that always seemed to be chasing her.