Break Your Little Heart

Chloe was drunk. No. She was smashed. Her vision was blurred around the edges, her mind clouded over by the extreme amount of alcohol she had racing through her system. She had long ago lost track of Dale, and Holiday was nothing but a distant thought in the back of her mind. Her legs were unsteady as she pushed herself away from the bar and stumbled to the bathroom. However, this time Chloe wasn’t there to make a call. Instead, she slumped to her knees in front of the toilet. And for the first time in months, Chloe found herself plunging her fingers down her throat and watching with sick fascination as the liquor she had been consuming at an alarming rate flooded out of her mouth.

Chloe felt like she was drowning. The liquid just kept coming and coming. It was a full five minutes later that the last of it dribbled out of her red lips. Chloe quickly flushed the toilet, but that was the only thing she had energy for, her head falling down against the cold porcelain. Her eyelids fluttered, drifting somewhere between a waking drunken haze and unconsciousness. Sleep was tugging on her small body, but Chloe knew she couldn’t allow it to overtake her. So, she dug in her purse until her fingers closed around the pack of cigarettes she had never been able to give up. Staggering in her heels, Chloe made her way outside. The bouncer eyed her, looking concerned, but she gave him a wave and he nodded. He kept his eye on her though, studying the way her small frame leaned heavily against the side of the building.

Chloe, unaware of the watchful eyes on her, fumbled around for her lighter. When she pulled it out, however, her phone also made its way into her palm. Chloe studied it after sparking up her cigarette, turning it over and over in her tiny hands. Without fully thinking about it, Chloe unlocked it and clicked the call button. She dialed the number her heart had never forgotten, adding *67 to the front in order to block her own. Then she waited. It went straight to voicemail and Chloe held her breath while she listened to his voice coming through the speaker.

“Yo! You’ve reached the awesome Alex Gaskarth. I’m too busy living like a rockstar, so leave a message and I’ll call you back. Peace out!”

She smiled at the sound, delicate tears dripping from her ice blue eyes. He hadn't changed it since she'd watched him record it whilst sitting in his living room, right after he'd gotten the call from Matt confirming their tour for the summer. She couldn't deny it. Chloe missed him. She wouldn’t ever admit it to anyone, not even herself unless she was this intoxicated. Chloe hung up without saying anything, stamping her cigarette out on the ground. Her fingers typed out a new number.

“Chloeh?” Tom’s voice was scratchy with sleep.

“Please tell me he’s okay, Tom.” Chloe bit her lip anxiously.

“Course he’s okay, Chloeh. Are yeh?”

“I really do love him.” She whispered hoarsely, forcing herself not to cry.

“I know, love. Oleh knows too.”

“I should tell him more often. I just get so afraid that he’ll leave me or hurt me that I won’t be good enough for him.”

“Oleh loves yeh, Chloeh. Tha boy is crazeh abou’ yeh. He’s not gonna leave yeh or hurt yeh. And yeh are more than good enough fer him, believe meh.”

“I just don’t want to lose him.” Chloe whispered, biting her lip.

Tom mumbled something under his breath and Chloe lit another cigarette, inhaling deeply to calm herself. She hated acting like this. It made her feel like she was still a stupid teenager who was falling apart at the seams. She was so much stronger than that. Chloe had not spent the last five years making herself healthy just to throw it all away on a single miserable night. Wiping at the nonexistent tears under her eyes, Chloe straightened up and tossed her spent cigarette to the side.

“Put him on the phone, Tom.” Chloe’s voice wasn’t shaking anymore, the nicotine having washed away her tension.

“I don’ fink tha’s tha best idea, love.” Tom sighed.

“Please, I just need to talk to him.” Chloe’s lip trembled and she lit another cigarette to stop it.

“Will yeh stop wif tha chain smoking if I do?” He huffed. Chloe paused her hand as it moved to bring the burning stick to her red lips. She glanced at it as if she hadn’t even realized it was there and then quickly stubbed it out against the brick wall.

“Fine, it’s gone. Please, Tom.” Her voice was getting whiney again and Chloe itched to have the Royal back in her fingers. Tom sighed again. Chloe heard him grumbling and moving about, and let out a breath of relief that he was getting Oli for her.

“Ello?” His voice was thick with sleep and a hangover.

“I really fucking love you, Oliver Sykes, don’t you ever question that again.”

“As happeh as I am teh hear tha’, love, I have teh ask…are yeh drunk?”

“Oh, so you can drunkenly call me and cry about not being loved but I can’t call you just to tell you that I love you?” Chloe’s voice was still at a normal volume but Oli could hear the hurt running through it.

“Chloeh, yeh know yeh can call meh whenever yeh want, and yeh know I love it when yeh tell meh tha’, but I don’t want yeh teh have teh be drunk teh tell meh. And I’m sorreh abou what happened last night…well fer yeh I guess it’s onleh been some hours, but I’m realleh, realleh sorreh, love. I know yeh hate it when I do tha’.”

“Yes, I hate it because you know it’s not true! You know I love you, Oliver! And I’m sorry that I don’t tell you all the time like most girls do, but that’s just not me. That’s not me, Oli! And I’m sorry if that’s not enough for you, if I’m not enough for you, but I can’t change anymore. I just can’t do it.” Chloe was nearly hysterical by this point in time, her fingers fumbling for her lighter again.

“I don’t want yeh teh change anyfing, Chloeh. I nevah want yeh teh change, alright? I love yeh, Chloeh Danske. And I always will. Now, go find Holiday and call meh in tha morning.”

“Promise me you’ll never leave me.” Chloe’s whisper was desperate, but at that moment she didn’t care. She just needed Oli to remind her that he would be there for every moment in her life, no matter how clingy or bitchy she got.

“Yeh know I’ll nevah leave yeh. I fought I made tha’ very clear tha night before I left.” Chloe sighed, slightly angry that Oli had brought that particular night back up. It wasn’t one of their best nights together, and she didn’t want to be upset with Oliver anymore.

“I know.”

“Does this mean –”

“No, Oli, it doesn’t. Drop it.” Chloe snarled, taking another long drag on the cigarette back between her long fingers.

“Fine.” Oli breathed out dejectedly. “Just know that I love yeh. Go find Holiday and get home so yeh can sleep, alright?”

“I love you too.” Chloe sighed, anger gone this time.

The call ended and she allowed her body to slump back against the brick wall behind her. Chloe finished off her cigarette before stowing her phone, lighter, and now almost empty pack of Turkish Royals back inside her clutch. The bouncer caught her as she tripped over her own heels, the alcohol still swimming through her system. He set her back on her feet and called her a cab while sending the younger boy next to him off to fetch Holiday.

“First night back treating you pretty rough eh, Chloe?”

“I never wanted to be here, Crew. I just wanted to stay home.”

Chloe allowed the larger man to lead her to a bench just a few feet away. It was late enough in the evening that the club no longer had a line, so after a quick glance around, Crew sat himself down next to the intoxicated girl. Chloe wasted no time in leaning her head against his broad shoulder.

“Do you ever think about all of the mistakes you made when you were 17 and thought you knew everything? Because, let me tell you, I thought I knew fucking everything, Crew. But I was just a stupid little girl. And now everything is all fucked up.”

“I don’t think that’s true, doll. Everything happens for a reason, after all.” Chloe pushed away, shaking her head violently.

“No. No, I don’t believe that.”

“Even so, you can’t spend your life in the past, Chloe. You would never have this career or Holiday or your life wherever you’re living now without those choices you made. Things will work themselves out, whether you think that they will or not.”

“Sometimes I just think about how everything would be so different. And I’m not sure if it’s a bad different.”

Chloe leaned her head back against Crew’s shoulder, shifting slightly as he lifted his arm to pull her shivering frame closer. Her eyes slipped shut as she yawned.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s a bad or good different, you’re just gonna hurt yourself unnecessarily by thinking about it too much…”

Crew trailed off at the sounds of Chloe’s soft snoring. He looked down at the sleeping blonde and chuckled slightly, brushing a stray strand of hair off of her face. A few short minutes later, Holiday and the other bouncer staggered out of the club, the former giggling so hard she could barely stand.

“CHLOE!” The brunette squealed out, grasping onto the slightly starstruck man next to her. Crew turned and sighed. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Holiday like this.

“Holiday, Chloe fell asleep. There’s a cab on the way for both of you.”

“Crew!” Holiday shrieked, as if she hadn’t seen him in years. She quickly shoved the other bouncer away in favor of stumbling to the two people situated on the bench in front of her.

Luckily, a yellow taxi pulled up right at that moment. Crew didn’t hesitate in opening it and waking Chloe enough for her to climb inside. Holiday was a little bit more difficult to persuade, but eventually she too was buckled inside. Crew gave the man Holiday’s address and money from a pocket reserved for nights when girls from the club needed a safe ride home. With a last kiss on the forehead for both girls, Crew shut the door tight and watched as they drove away.

By the time the car pulled up outside of Holiday’s flat, Chloe had managed to wake up enough to get both herself and Holiday out of the car. Completely dead on her feet, Holiday allowed Chloe to pull them both inside the house. Neither girl wasted any time in making a beeline straight for Holiday’s bed. Chloe waited only long enough to get her shoes and Holiday’s off before curling into her best friend and passing out, her thoughts of Oli and her past long forgotten.