All That You Are Is Just a Tragedy

“Oh, Gerard, you’re so funny!” Eliza yelled as she cackled at something Gerard said that wasn’t even meant o be funny. Gerard went red as other people in the pizzeria turned to give Eliza dirty looks.

“Yeah, he’s a regular riot,” I mumbled sarcastically. We were in the most popular pizzeria in our part of Jersey. It was run by a big Italian family. The walls were made of bricks, and one wall had a mural of some small Italian village. It was known that the family used some secret ingredient in their pizza that made it the best pizza you’d ever tasted. I had already gone through three slices. Gerard had gone through four, and Eliza had eaten one. She was “watching her weight”.

“So, Bert,” Eliza began. “Where’s your girlfriend?”

“I don’t have one,” I told her.

“Oh, well, I’m sure you could get one,” she said without meaning it one bit. I could tell by the way she looked at me that she didn’t approve of my greasy, mangled, black hair. I wondered momentarily if she’d try to dye my hair blond, too.

I shook my head. “I highly doubt that.”

“Well, why not?” she asked, expecting me to admit that I’m too ugly to attract a girl.

“I’m gay,” I admitted casually, taking a sip of my water.

I think Eliza choked on her spit. “You’re gay?” I nodded in response. “You don’t look gay.”

I forced myself not to say how she didn’t look like a bitch, but she actually was. Instead, I said, “And what does a gay person look like?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Girly, glittery, stuff like that.”

“That’s not gay. That’s flamboyant. If anything you’d think Gerard was gay with how sassy he is.” I nodded towards Gerard, who was blushing.
Eliza raised her eyebrows and gave me a devilish smile. “Oh, trust me. Gerard’s definitely not gay.” I could tell by the way she said it what she was insinuating. That they had had sex and Gerard was definitely into it. My heart sunk into my stomach.

“You’re right,” I agreed, hoping the topic would drop. But Eliza thought it would be the perfect time to stick her tongue down Gerard’s throat, as if she was proving to me that he wasn’t gay. I suddenly found the mural of the Italian village very interesting.

We spent another half hour sitting at our small round table listening to Eliza yap about shit no one cared about. I swear Gerard never uttered one would until we decided to leave and he told Eliza that yes, he would pay for the food.

Once Gerard paid, we walked out into the yet-again unusually warm February air.

Eliza turned to me. “Well, thanks for meeting us, Bert. It was nice to get to know you better. See you at school.”

Gerard coughed. “Actually, he’s coming with us in the car. He’s coming over to my house.”

Eliza’s face fell. “Oh. I thought we were hanging out tonight, baby.”

“Nope. We’re watching Mikey while Grandma goes to some Church retreat for the weekend. Bert’s staying over,” Gerard explained.

“Mikey?” Eliza asked, genuinely confused as to who that might be.

“My little brother.” Gerard stretched out the words in a way that tells you something you should obviously already know.

“Oh, that Mikey” Eliza feigned realization. “Aw, I love Mikey. I can help babysit.”

Gerard looked uncomfortable. “Er, it’s really just a boys thing. Just the three of us.”

Eliza was about to protest, but Gerard gave her a look that pleaded her not to, so she thankfully kept her mouth shut. I took there awkwardly the whole time, my hands in my pockets, watching them.

We walked a few yards to Gerard’s car. There, he opened the passenger door for Eliza, who giggled as she got in. I opened the back door for myself and slammed it shut once I sat down. Gerard jogged to the driver’s side, sat down, then drove off once he buckled his seat belt and put the car in gear. Eliza turned the radio on to some stupid pop station and rested her hand on Gerard’s thigh. I watched as her hand ran up and down his leg, squeezing it at some points.

It took about forty minutes to reach Eliza’s damn house, which was huge. She lived on the rich side of town. When the car stopped in front of her house, I quickly jumped out of the back seat and opened the door for her. I waited impatiently as she leaned over to her dear Gerard and planted a huge wet kiss on his lips. When she was finally done eating his face, she got out of the car, rushed a goodbye to me, and disappeared into the huge house. I eagerly say in the front seat and closed the door behind me.

“So, what do you think?” Gerard asked once we pulled away. I think she’s a stupid ass material girl who knows nothing about you and doesn’t love you at all. She’s a bitch, and she’d totally annoying.

“She’s cool,” I said as believably as I could.

“Isn’t she?” Gerard asked and I wondered what was wrong with this boy that he really believed Eliza was cool. Then I wondered what was wrong with me that I was in love with him.

“Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t date her myself or hang out with her, but she’s a semi-decent human being,” I admitted.

Gerard chuckled. “That’s probably the most approval I’ll get from you, so I’ll take it. But, Bert, thanks for actually making the effort to meet her and be nice to her. I know you don’t like her, but you were still as nice as Bert can be.” He smiled at me. It was a smile that was unique to Gerard. It was warm. He didn’t show his teeth. Instead, the right side of his mouth turned up into a crooked smile. It was one of his genuine smiles that he saved for things he absolutely loved. My heart melted and I smiled widely back at him.

“You know yesterday Elena told me that she hoped you guys were careful in however you celebrated Valentine’s Day,” I told him. “She said the last thing she wants to be is a great-grandmother.”

Gerard frowned in confusion. “Eliza and I haven’t had sex yet.”

“Then why did she imply that?” I asked, anger rising in my stomach for the dumb bitch. Gerard shrugged. “Then why didn’t you stop her?” He shrugged again. Now my anger wasn’t only rising for Eliza, but it was rising for Gerard, too. They were both so stupid.

Instead of continuing to question Gerard, I pulled my hood up and leaned my head against the window. Gerard changed the radio station to the local rock station. That old song by Hoobastank was playing. Gerard started to sing along to it.

“I found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new, and the reason is you.” I had heard the song a billion times before, but that was the first time I really listened to the lyrics. And Gerard’s voice was so beautiful. I loved when he sang. He could sort of take you to another world with his voice. He’d never had lessons, but Elena had helped him sing since he was little.

As cheesy as it sounds, Gerard singing the song made me realize that maybe I should stop being an asshole to him. He was the one I cared for the most, and yet I always treated him the worst.
We always hurt the ones we love.

My anger faded quickly as Gerard’s soaring voice filled the car with beautiful melodies. Song after song plated on the radio, and he seemed to know the words to most of them. I contributed a few harmonies here and there, but I mostly let him sing. It was his voice I wanted to hear. Soon, he had to flip the sun protector thingy down as the sun began to set. Even with the visor down, he had to squint to keep the sun out of his eyes. It was cute.

Before I knew it we had pulled up to his house with the pink wreath on the door.

“Gerard,” I started before he attempted to get out of the car. “I’m sorry that I’m such an asshole to you. You’re always s nice to me and I return it with this shit. I’m just sorry.”
He gave me the same sympathetic eyes that everyone else gave me, which I hated. I didn’t want any sympathy.
“It’s nothing I’m not used to. I mean, you’ve always been that way. I’d be worried if you didn’t throw shit at me all the time,” he said. “You don’t have to apologize for who you are.” His face was scrunched a bit, and his hazel eyes were boring into my own brown ones.
“I should apologize, Gerard. I don’t want to be like this. It’s not fun. I don’t like it,” I said.
“Then just change, okay?” if you want it enough then you can change,” he
told me. I nodded and he pulled me in for an awkward hug over his cup holders. While rubbing my back he said, “I love you no matter how much of an asshole you are, Bert.” His head was buried in my hair, which I’m sure smelled horribly, while I got to smell his scent of coffee, cigarettes, and peppermint gum.

“I love you too, Gerard,” I murmured. If only he knew how much I meant it; and how much it meant to me when he said he loved me.
We pulled away from the hug and climbed out of the car. When Gerard reached me, he threw his arm over my shoulder, where it stayed until we reached his front door. He dug around for his keys and let me walk in first.

“Grandma?” Gerard shouted. “We’re home!” Elena busted out of the kitchen with a look of surprise, then relief.

“Oh, good, you’re just on time.” She kissed Gerard’s cheek, then mine. “I made some lasagna that should last you for tonight and tomorrow night. I’m also leaving money for pizza and anything else you might need. It’s $150. Spend it wisely.” She took a deep breath. “You sure you’ll be okay without me?”

“Grandma, we’ll be fine. Go,” Gerard reassured her.

“Okay, then. I’m glad I can trust you three.” Once again, she gave us kisses on the cheeks. “Have fun, boys. Behave. I love you, and tell Mikey I love him, too. He’s napping.”

“Love you, too,” Gerard and I muttered in unison.

Elena grabbed her suitcases that were waiting by the door and exited the house, leaving Gerard and me alone.