All That You Are Is Just a Tragedy

“Bert?”

“Bert, get off.”

My eyes shot open as I remembered how I fell asleep. I quickly released my hold on Gerard and sat up as much as could without pushing him off the couch.

“I’m so sorry, Gerard.” My voice was foreign and raspy from sleep.

He frowned at me. “It’s okay. Your facial hair is just kinda itchy.”

“Oh,” I breathed out. “You didn’t mind that I was holding you?”

Gerard shrugged. “Why should I?”

I smiled at him in relief and took in the sight of a newly awoken Gerard. There were imprints on his face where it had been pressed on the fabric of the couch, slightly mimicking the floral design. His hair was slightly tousled and his eyelids were still somewhat heavy with sleep. There was a drool stain on his black t-shirt, which signified he slept well. Gerard always drooled when he slept well.

“You’ve got drool on your shirt.” I pointed at the spot on his left shoulder, where his head had been resting as he slept.

He glanced at it and nodded. “Yeah, and I’ve slept in my clothes. I’m going to go shower, or do you want to go first?” he asked as he rose from the couch and walked toward his room.

“No, it’s okay.” I waved him away. “Go ahead. I’ll start making your coffee for you.

He smiled appreciatively and mumbled thanks before rushing off to the bathroom. I pushed myself off the couch and walked sleepily to the kitchen, tousling my messy hair in the process.

“Why were you holding Gerard while you were sleeping?”

I turned around sharply and abandoned my coffee-making. “What?”

“I saw you holding him while you slept. The way couples do on TV,” a very alert Mikey told me. It was obvious he’d been up for a while.

“I don’t know, Mikey. We were sleeping on the couch. I didn’t want him to fall off.”

The twelve-year-old looked at me with a cloud of doubt in his eyes. “Grandma says you like Gerard.”

I nearly choked on my own spit. “What?”

“Grandma says-”

“No, I heard you the first time, Mikey. Of course I like Gerard. He’s my best friend.”

“No,” Mikey said patiently. “I mean like-like. Like how Harry likes Ginny, or Ron likes Hermione.”

“Elena told you that?” I asked, shocked at the words coming out of the kid’s mouth.

“Yeah. One day when Gerard wasn’t home, she turns, and she said-” Mikey’s voice rose about an octave, “’That poor Bert. He likes your brother so bad. He’s hopeless. It’s all over his face.’”

My jaw literally dropped, and it took me a few minutes to properly form words. Was my love for Gerard so obvious that his own grandmother could sense it? I mentally kicked myself for being so obvious when it was supposed to be my biggest secret, something that I would never have to face out in the open.

“Does Gerard know?” I finally managed to ask.

Mikey shook his head. “Just me and grandma.”

“Good.” I sighed and scratched my head violently. “Don’t ever tell him.”

“Okay.”

“Does it bother you, Mikey? Me… liking him?”

“Why should it?”

“I dunno. ‘Cause we’re both guys?”

“C’mon, Bert. It’s 2012. I’m so over that.” And with that, Mikey pressed the button on the coffee machine so it would finally start brewing, and retreated to his bedroom. “Let me know when the coffee is ready.”

I nodded slowly, even though he couldn’t see, and flopped myself onto one of the dining table chairs. My head resting in my hands, my mind went through my conversation with the younger Way, in shock at how far ahead he was mentally. I wished that I could have had his intelligence at that age, and maybe if I did, I wouldn’t be such a tool now. I was dumbfounded at how Elena had caught on so quickly, and how she and Mikey seemed to be okay with it. I was angry at myself for not covering well enough. I couldn’t risk Gerard finding out. It would be too humiliating. I had to create space between us. That was the only way.

“Bert, you okay?” My head shot up and I saw Gerard standing in the living room, beads of post-shower water dripping from his hair, a new set of black clothing hugging his body.

I knew I could never stay away.

...
I emerged from the shower smelling the best I had in over a week, due to my lack of desire to shower frequently.

When I entered the living room, I was greeted by Gerard, slumped over a spiral notebook, his left had encircling a steaming mug of coffee.

“Have you started your English assignment yet?”

“Yeah, I actually finished it already,” I told Gerard. “I even wrote ten pages, instead of five, and wait, I wrote yours too because I love working on schoolwork.”

Gerard rolled his eyes at me before returning his attention to his assignment. “Would it kill you to actually complete an assignment every once in a while?”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

Gerard sighed and put his pencil down, putting every ounce of his attention into looking me in the eyes. “Bert, don’t you want to graduate high school? Go to college? In these times, no one will hire you unless you have a college degree.”

“I know that, Gerard. Every guidance counselor in our school has told me that.”

“Then do it, Bert. I don’t know why you put all of your talent to waste. We both know you’re incredibly smart, and you’re capable of doing the work.”

His words were like a punch to the stomach, and a slap to the face at the same time. I knew I had some brain cells up there, but I never considered myself to be incredibly smart or capable of keeping up with assignments. It just wasn’t me. I wasn’t cut out for doing well. I didn’t know why Gerard was showing this blind faith in me, which I voiced.

“It’s not blind faith, Bert. It’s something I’ve observed over the years. I’ve seen the desire to achieve in your eyes, but you never go for it, and I don’t know why not. I’ve seen you do amazing things. Remember that science project you did in eighth grade? The one about whether Metal helps a person concentrate or distracts them?” Gerard paused while I remembered my science project from middle school. It mainly consisted of Gerard, Mikey, and me listening to various Metal bands while doing our homework, something we usually did anyway. I had even thrown in some facts from the internet to make sure my hypothesis was correct, which it was. One can indeed concentrate while listening to Metal. “You can be so dedicated and passionate when you want to be. I just don’t get why you don’t take advantage of it.”

I sat in silence for a moment. It seemed as if the Way brothers were drinking some special water or something that made them especially thoughtful. Whatever it was, I wanted in.

“Um, I don’t know either. Maybe I don’t want to try. Maybe I just lost my drive. It’s just not something I care about. I kind of just don’t believe in myself.”

Gerard took my rough hands into his soft ones and cupped them, and I swear I melted into the armchair that I sat down on at some point un the conversation.

“I believe in you, Bert. You should, too.” Gerard’s stunning eyes met my dull ones again, and I was paralyzed by them, my hands still being held by his. I could almost feel his tenderness emanating from him and covering me all over my body, and I immediately felt warmer. I could swear he subtly inched closer to me, but I would never know, because Mikey happened to come in and ask for more coffee right then.

Gerard released my hands quickly and jumped up to serve his younger brother some more coffee. Mikey stood in the living room entrance, smiling widely at me, as if he had caught his brother and me confessing our love for each other at last. I stuck my middle finger up and him, and he chuckled loudly as he stumbled back to his room, a fresh cup of coffee in his hand.

“So, Bert, ready to tackle that assignment?” Gerard prompted when he returned to the living room, passing me a few sheets of lined paper.

“Uh, sure, what are we supposed to write about?”

Gerard’s lips spread into a wide grin and I didn’t understand why until he told me what our prompt was.

We were to write about our opinion on today’s youth and how they were growing up much faster than our generation had.

I immediately grinned, too. I knew exactly how to tackle this prompt.

…

Four double-sided sheets of lined paper later, my opinion was completely written down, backed with examples of today’s youth knowing things I would have never dreamed about at their age, like the different types of sex. I had to wait until health class in Sophomore year to learn that, while kids in elementary school were running around, yelling about blow jobs.

Gerard was impressed with the amount I had written, compared to his meager two double-sided pages.

“Grandma should be home soon,” Gerard mentioned about half-hour into a show called Supernatural that he seemed to enjoy. “Are you going to stay for dinner?”

I almost agreed before I remembered what Elena knew about me. I didn’t think I’d be able to be in the same room as her out of embarrassment. “No, I think I’ll go home and eat with my mom. She’s probably lonely. Actually, I think I’ll go home now.”

“Oh,” Gerard said, a slight look of disappointment on his face. “Well, thanks for staying with us this weekend. Tell your mom I said hi.”

“Sure. Tell Mikes I said bye.” I gathered my papers from the coffee table and walked out the front door. Once I entered my own house, I popped some frozen food in the microwave and turned on the TV, trying to fine the channel Supernatural was on. It was a pretty good show, despite me not having a clue as to what was going on.

I spent the evening by myself, fully aware that my mom worked the night shift at the diner, and that she wouldn’t be home until late at night. I often times found my mind wandering from watching TV to thinking about Gerard, and how maybe, just maybe, I had fallen even harder for him, if possible.

The belief he had in me pushed me. It motivated me to show him that it wouldn’t be wasted on me. I would make him proud.

I’ll make you proud, Gerard, I thought before slipping into sleep on my own bed.