Broken Hearted
Chapter five
Mercedes and I met the guys backstage. “You guys were awesome!” I told them, giving them hugs. “It wasn’t your best,” Mercedes scoffed. We all ignored her, except for Gerard who began kissing her. I moved farther away from them.
“How was it Bob?” I asked. “It was terrifying, but such a rush! All of the people looking up to you-” “They were looking at Gerard, not you,” Mercedes said, cutting him off. “Fuck off Mercedes,” I snapped. “Go to hell,” she replied. “After you!” “Bite me!” “I will if you stop being a bitch,” I growled, glaring at her. “Come on Gerard, lets go,” she said, grabbing Gee’s arm and leading him away. I sighed and shook my head, not knowing how much more of this I could take.
“Ren, you’re shaking,” Bob said, taking my hand. “Bob, I-I don’t know what to do,” I said, hating the weakness in my voice. “I’m so sorry Renee,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. “Me too,” I said. We boarded the bus and drove for a while. It was really dark after the bus stopped for the night.
I could hear some loud voiced. Gerard and Mercedes were fighting. “You can’t dump me!” she screamed. Gerard said something calmly and she thundered out of the room. “That’s it I’m out of here! I’ve had it with you idiots!” “Aw, leaving so soon?” Frank asked. “Shut up!” she growled leaving and slamming the door. Gerard walked into the room. “Is she gone for good?” Mikey asked, sounding hopeful. “Yes,” Gerard said. “What took so long?” Ray asked. “I was waiting for her to dump me,” Gerard said, making the others laugh.
I went outside for some air. After a while of just wandering around I sat underneath a window on the bus. I could hear Frank, Mikey, Ray and Bob talking. “So, Renee mentioned that she was pretty messed up before. What do you know?” I heard Ray ask. “It was really bad,” Bob began.
“She started taking some prescribed pills, but too many. I’d wake up to her screaming in the night, loud like she was dying screams. She used to cut herself too. That’s why she wears all of those bracelets, to cover them… One time It got really really bad. She got suicidal.
“When I got home from work she- she’d cut her wrists so bad, and she’d written all over the walls with her blood. Your names, my name, mostly Gerard’s, over and over again. When I walked in I could see that she was going to kill herself. She was really going to do it… I had to wrestle the knife away, actually fight her for it. Yes we play fight all the time, but that day… I barely got her to the hospital in time…” his voice drifted off.
Poor Bob. He cared for me so much. I was stupid and I’d hurt him. I got up and walked to a big tree and leaned against the base of it. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander. I heard footsteps and opened my eyes to see Gerard standing there. “Hey, um… could I sit next to you?” he asked. I nodded and he leaned against the tree with me.
“I heard what happened with you and the cutting thing, but I don’t get it. If you were so happy with your boyfriend then why would you do something like that?” he asked. “That’s just it Gee, I wasn’t happy. I missed you guys. I was stuck in the past and couldn’t move on.” “But your boyfriend-” “What boyfriend? You mean Bob? He’s like a brother to me. I wouldn’t have become his girlfriend even if I did feel like that because when I said ‘I’ll wait forever’ I meant it,” I said angrily, pushing myself off the ground and began walking away.
“Renee wait! Please don’t go,” Gerard said, sounding like he used to, like he cared. I turned around and sat back down, though I didn’t look at him and kept my arms folded across my chest. “Why didn’t you wait?” I asked softly. He looked at me, then away, trying to find the right words.
“I don’t know Ren. When you left I just broke into a million pieces. I lost myself. I tried to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol… I got really messed up. I convinced myself that it was easier to be mad at you then it was to miss you. I lied to myself, saying that you left me and was the reason why the world was falling to pieces, but it wasn’t you, it was me. But then I got the guys to make a band and then I had something to live for. It saved my life.
“Then I found Mercedes and she made everyone immeasurable and I thought that they could share some of my pain. It was terrible. I was terrible, and I just got worse and worse. Then I saw you at the concert. At first I thought you were just my imagination, but it was really you!
“Part of me wanted to jump off the stage and run to you, but the other part wouldn’t let me. I thought that if I let myself love you, you’d just leave me again. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. So I tried to hate you. I thought that if you went away again then I could get over you. But I know that I’ll never be over you Renee, and I love you. I’ll love you forever, but I was cruel to you. I’m sorry Ren, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”
“I forgive you,” I said immediately, “and Gee, I still love you too. I always have.” He hugged me tight. His lips found mine in a sweet kiss and he held me for a while. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. This is how things were meant to be.
“How was it Bob?” I asked. “It was terrifying, but such a rush! All of the people looking up to you-” “They were looking at Gerard, not you,” Mercedes said, cutting him off. “Fuck off Mercedes,” I snapped. “Go to hell,” she replied. “After you!” “Bite me!” “I will if you stop being a bitch,” I growled, glaring at her. “Come on Gerard, lets go,” she said, grabbing Gee’s arm and leading him away. I sighed and shook my head, not knowing how much more of this I could take.
“Ren, you’re shaking,” Bob said, taking my hand. “Bob, I-I don’t know what to do,” I said, hating the weakness in my voice. “I’m so sorry Renee,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. “Me too,” I said. We boarded the bus and drove for a while. It was really dark after the bus stopped for the night.
I could hear some loud voiced. Gerard and Mercedes were fighting. “You can’t dump me!” she screamed. Gerard said something calmly and she thundered out of the room. “That’s it I’m out of here! I’ve had it with you idiots!” “Aw, leaving so soon?” Frank asked. “Shut up!” she growled leaving and slamming the door. Gerard walked into the room. “Is she gone for good?” Mikey asked, sounding hopeful. “Yes,” Gerard said. “What took so long?” Ray asked. “I was waiting for her to dump me,” Gerard said, making the others laugh.
I went outside for some air. After a while of just wandering around I sat underneath a window on the bus. I could hear Frank, Mikey, Ray and Bob talking. “So, Renee mentioned that she was pretty messed up before. What do you know?” I heard Ray ask. “It was really bad,” Bob began.
“She started taking some prescribed pills, but too many. I’d wake up to her screaming in the night, loud like she was dying screams. She used to cut herself too. That’s why she wears all of those bracelets, to cover them… One time It got really really bad. She got suicidal.
“When I got home from work she- she’d cut her wrists so bad, and she’d written all over the walls with her blood. Your names, my name, mostly Gerard’s, over and over again. When I walked in I could see that she was going to kill herself. She was really going to do it… I had to wrestle the knife away, actually fight her for it. Yes we play fight all the time, but that day… I barely got her to the hospital in time…” his voice drifted off.
Poor Bob. He cared for me so much. I was stupid and I’d hurt him. I got up and walked to a big tree and leaned against the base of it. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander. I heard footsteps and opened my eyes to see Gerard standing there. “Hey, um… could I sit next to you?” he asked. I nodded and he leaned against the tree with me.
“I heard what happened with you and the cutting thing, but I don’t get it. If you were so happy with your boyfriend then why would you do something like that?” he asked. “That’s just it Gee, I wasn’t happy. I missed you guys. I was stuck in the past and couldn’t move on.” “But your boyfriend-” “What boyfriend? You mean Bob? He’s like a brother to me. I wouldn’t have become his girlfriend even if I did feel like that because when I said ‘I’ll wait forever’ I meant it,” I said angrily, pushing myself off the ground and began walking away.
“Renee wait! Please don’t go,” Gerard said, sounding like he used to, like he cared. I turned around and sat back down, though I didn’t look at him and kept my arms folded across my chest. “Why didn’t you wait?” I asked softly. He looked at me, then away, trying to find the right words.
“I don’t know Ren. When you left I just broke into a million pieces. I lost myself. I tried to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol… I got really messed up. I convinced myself that it was easier to be mad at you then it was to miss you. I lied to myself, saying that you left me and was the reason why the world was falling to pieces, but it wasn’t you, it was me. But then I got the guys to make a band and then I had something to live for. It saved my life.
“Then I found Mercedes and she made everyone immeasurable and I thought that they could share some of my pain. It was terrible. I was terrible, and I just got worse and worse. Then I saw you at the concert. At first I thought you were just my imagination, but it was really you!
“Part of me wanted to jump off the stage and run to you, but the other part wouldn’t let me. I thought that if I let myself love you, you’d just leave me again. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. So I tried to hate you. I thought that if you went away again then I could get over you. But I know that I’ll never be over you Renee, and I love you. I’ll love you forever, but I was cruel to you. I’m sorry Ren, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”
“I forgive you,” I said immediately, “and Gee, I still love you too. I always have.” He hugged me tight. His lips found mine in a sweet kiss and he held me for a while. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. This is how things were meant to be.