A Smile So Genuine

It had been a few weeks since I first got into London. I was growing accustom to the city, although I never walked out of my apartment, the view from my living room window was beginning to grow on me. It was raining now, the dark clouds drifting low threatening to unleash a bolt of light across the sky. I was trembling, but I couldn’t pull my eyes from the sight of the storm. I heard Kelly’s feet approach me, as she quickly picked up the scraps of notebook paper I threw on the ground while I writing my songs.

“We’re going out to eat tonight.”

I shook my head, pushing my guitar off my lap.

“Have fun then.”

This was how it was every night. They’d ask me to come out and I quietly refuse. I heard Kelly sigh and turn her heels, clicking towards the door, but the sound of the door opening never came. I glanced back at Kelly, raising my eyebrows in confusion. Her back was to me, but I could see that she was breathing hard, her chest lifting up and down quickly. Her hands were at her side shaking a bit, dropping her bag to the floor. It made a loud thump that echoed throughout the empty apartment.

“You’re pathetic.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure that she actually spoke those words.

“Excuse me?”

Kelly turned on me; her cheeks were blushed red and her eyes were staring directly into mine. She spoke louder this time, her voice cutting through the silence.

“You’re pathetic.”

The words sliced through me. I gripped the side of the couch, my eyes never wavering from hers. She stepped closer now, her cheeks getting redder.

“Look at yourself. All you do all day is stare out that god damn window, plucking pointless notes on your guitar, wasting your life away, all because some boy hurt your heart.”

I felt my stomach clench as I whispered softly, feeling tears pool in my eyes. I covered them with my hands, trying to shield my emotions from her.

“He wasn’t just some boy. He broke me.”

Kelly was standing right next to me now, staring down. She gripped my hands and pulled them off my face, clasping them between hers.

“No. He was the love of your life and he cheated on you with some Hollywood whore. And yet you blame yourself. Every day I watch you slowly ripping yourself apart from the inside out. You barely look at yourself in the mirror. I’m not even sure who you are anymore, Charlie. You bring yourself all the way to London just to pity yourself by some window, staring into the streets. You use to be stronger than that. Josh may not realize it now, but he made the biggest mistake of his life losing you. But Charlie, now you’re the one screwing up. Snap the hell out of this and realize that Josh didn’t break you. You broke yourself the minute you let him get to you. “

She let go of my hands and turned her back, grabbing her purse off the floor. The door slammed behind her, shaking the walls that surrounded me.

I hadn’t heard or said Josh’s name in a month. I stared at the space where she had just been for a few moments before my breath became uneven and I began hyperventilating. A deep thunder shook the room as I pressed my head in the back of the couch, clutching my hands to my heart.

I didn’t know if she was right. I didn’t know if I was truly ruining my own life. My mind was battling with itself, trying to come up with the strength to face the words Kelly just spoke to me.

Another round of thunder shook through me, causing a scream to erupt from my lips. I was curled in a ball trying to push away the storm as well as the horrible truth I just was confronted with about myself. I let Josh hurt me by forcing me into a state of disarray without even considering that I was strong enough to face my emotions, instead of hiding them away deep inside me.

I push myself off the couch before another lightning bolt could streak across the sky. I was practically running towards my bedroom, ready to bury myself within my blankets to mute out the storm.

Suddenly, I felt myself falling to the ground, my chin hitting against the hardwood floor and my arm twisting underneath me. The box Lisa brought in was lying next to me, slightly crushed from my body falling on it.

“Stupid box!” I pushed the thing away from me, spilling out its contents onto the floor. I glanced into it, skimming my eyes over a bunch of my clothes, some shoes, and a couple of books. I almost looked away but a rectangular-shaped package caught my eye. It was sticking out between a pair of jeans and a blue sweater and had a string tied around its middle with a stark white tag hanging on the string.

I pulled myself on my knees, reaching for the package in the pile of random items. It was the size of a brick, but it wasn’t as heavy as one. I flipped over the tag and written in plain black ink: For those rainy nights.

I stared at the handwriting, messy and a little slanted, but so familiar. Like a wave crashing, the realization hit me, causing me to lose my breath for a moment. I placed the tag in my lap and carefully pulled open the packaging around the object.

I knew what it was before I even saw it. The cover around the VHS tape was a little ripped and cracked, but as I looked down, I saw a 14 year old boy staring up at me, his hazel eyes piercing into mine.

I looked around at the clothes surrounding me. I picked up a big, grey sweater that I used to wear when making breakfast for Josh at his house. It still has the grease stain on it when he threw a piece of bacon at me.

I sat there silently for a moment, relishing in all the memories these clothes held of me and Josh. I closed my eyes and could feel a tear sliding down my face.

Before I could think or convince myself otherwise, I got up to my feet and ran to grab the cordless phone Lisa had installed into my apartment. Settling back down in my pile, I pressed the buttons to a number that I memorized by heart.

My heart was thumbing loudly against my chest as the phone rang on the other line. It stopped, but I could still hear my pulse in my ears.

“Hello?”

His voice sent chills through my body. A wave of nausea overtook my stomach and I doubled over, still clenching to tape to my chest. I motioned to hang up, unsure of why I called him in the first place. But I stopped myself, remembering what Kelly had said to me. I was strong enough to handle this.

“Did you send me that tape?”

I heard him take a deep inhale, slowly letting it out against the speaker. His voice was a bit shakier now and I could tell how surprised he was to hear me.

“Yes.”

I nodded my head to myself, already knowing the answer to that question. I closed my eyes and tried to picture his face looking at me, seeing past every wall I put up and into my thoughts.

“Why?”

I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to hear the answer to that. It could have been pity. It could have been to give him closure. He might have even regretted sending it since I was calling him in the middle of the night. I heard him chuckle, a sound that I had missed so much in the past month, that I pictured in my dreams night after night, his deep chuckle tickling my skin. But my mind could never get it quite right.

“Did you really think I’d give up that easily?”

I could hear him smiling. I know it was impossible to hear a smile, but if a smile had a sound, this would be it. My heart stammered for a second as I comprehended what he just said to me. He never gave up. He was waiting for this call since the first day he sent the package.

I glanced over at the box, examining its bent side from my body weight. It was unlabeled and blank, a smooth surface of cardboard. And that’s when I realized there was no shipping label on that box.

A new wave of nausea hit me once more, as I heard a loud cackle of thunder through the phone that was then echoed throughout my apartment.

“Josh, are you in London?”

My voice was shaky as I pressed the tape harder to my chest. I knew the answer already. I just didn’t want to believe it.

“Yes.”