A Smile So Genuine

He was filming a new movie, that’s what I found out. Lisa had called around and found out they were filming directly in the city, as if I needed another reason to never leave my apartment. Although, I had been recently talking walks outside in a large park, not too far from where I lived. Kelly practically fell over when she saw me walk out the front door. I guess I really was acting like a recluse.
The fresh air always calmed my mind. Lately, it has been completely scattered with thoughts of that phone call that happened a week ago. He had given me hope that he wouldn’t give up on me. Hope is the worst thing to have when you’re attempting to get over someone.
I noticed, as I entered the large fenced in park, that there was a section cut off by metal barriers on the far side of the grass. I neared closer, realizing a crowd had already formed around the section. I could hear the screams of fan girls, the noise of the barriers clanging together, the loud calls from a megaphone in the distance, and I realized what was in front of me: a movie set.
It didn’t have to be his movie set. It could just be any particular movie and television show really. There was no way this was it. What are the chances that Josh would be filming in my park?
My hands started to sweat and I felt the familiar butterflies spread through my body. I decided it was too risky to even be here, just in case, so I turned to walked away from the sight of Josh’s potential movie set. Accidentally, I bumped into a girl who was running to catch up to the crowd surrounding the set. She had Josh’s face plastered across her chest with little hearts around it. I felt like I was going to puke.
“Excuse me.”
I walked around the girl, preparing to sprint as far as I could away from this place until I was wrapped up in my covers, safe from the boy who broke my heart.
“Wait a second. You’re Charlie Madison. OMG YOU’RE CHARLIE MADISON!”
Her scream hit the crowd, who all stared curiously her way. She was jumping up and down pointing at me.
I wish I could say I moved. I was completely frozen, watching my life just turn to shit in a second’s notice. The crowd was getting closer. I knew I would probably die in a throng of my own fans.
They surrounded me all at once. Fans grabbed at me, pulling me into hugs, touching my hands, pushing papers and pens into my face. It was like I was a zombie; I could barely comprehend what was going on other than I was positive I would suffocate from all the people around me. My name was being screamed over and over again as I signed whatever was in front of my nose and hugged whoever was near me, hoping to get them satisfied so they would leave, only the crowd got larger.
I started seeing someone push through the girls, obviously very large in stature since his height towered over everyone. He reached were I was stranded and grabbed me by the arm, pulling me close to him.
“Miss Madison, I’m Harold, one of the body guards of the movie set. Let me get you away from this madness.”
I nodded up at him, trying my best to wave goodbye to the crowd. He led me out, but the crowd tried to keep up, flashing cameras in my face and screaming questions at me. Once we were inside the metal barrier, Harold found me a trailer to sit in while he got me some water.
I checked my clothes, making sure none of my personal items were stolen. I checked my hair to make sure no one ripped out a chunk because yes, that has happened before. After I looked over my arms and legs for any bruises, I began accessing exactly what kind of situation I was in.
He might not even be on set. I was pretty positive this was his movie because half the girls who attacked me had his name plastered somewhere on his body. Maybe this was his day off? And even if it wasn’t, I could definitely get out before he noticed I was here. Although someone noticed because they sent Harold after me. I have to remember to thank him and get his contact information, so we could send him a gift basket or whatever.
I closed my eyes and let my head fall into my hands. But what if I did see Josh? What would I say to him? What would he say to me?
As I was questioning what could possible happen, the door of the trailer screeched open.
“Oh Harold! I just want to thank-“
He came into sight and for a moment, I thought I was dreaming, or worse, having a nightmare.
He was exactly how I remembered him; a baseball cap was hiding his hair, but tufts of black were sticking out the side, his broad jawline curved back and his lips were formed into a small smile, a light splash a freckles play across his nose. His hazel eyes connected with mine, and for a second I forgot that we weren’t together. I felt that rush flow through my nerves, causing my hair to stand on end. My hands started to shake and I felt my throat beginning to clench up. But I was not going to cry. I wouldn’t cry in front of him.
“Hello Charlie.”
I stared at him with a blank look, my eyes never leaving his as he sat across from me on a couch. I blinked hard, making sure I really wasn’t sleeping. He looked me up and down, then set a water bottle in front of me.
“I saw you almost get mobbed by that crowd. I asked Harold to go and get you before anything could happen. Are you hurt?”
He looked actually sincere, like he actually cared about how I was. For some reason, my mind shifted to that conversation I had with Kelly. I just remembered her words so clearly in that moment: you use to be strong.
“Why?”
My voice surprised me; it didn’t sound fragile or weak. Josh smiled and leaned closer, opening his hands and resting them on his knees.
“Why did I send Harold? Well, contrary to what you probably believe, I’d rather not see you get killed by a crowd of fans.”
He chuckled deeply at his own joke, and I almost grew weak in the knees from the sound. But I sucked in a breath and shook my head, staring intensely into Josh’s eyes.
“No. Why did you cheat on me?”
I never let my eyes fall from his. This question had been tainting my mind ever since I left him that morning. I never stopped thinking about it. I had come up with a billion reasons why he would do it, but none of them were his own reasons. And I wasn’t going to wait any longer to hear him.
Josh sighed and lost his smile, replacing it with a grimace. He took a deep breath and clasped his hands between his knees.
“The whole story?”
I nodded, unsure what exactly that whole story was. I was determined though to stay strong throughout it. I wanted to hear exactly what happened from his mouth, not the media or gossip.
Josh nodded, looking down at the ground for a moment. He looked ashamed, which of course he should be.
“It all started when I was filming that movie with Vanessa. As you probably know, I dated her for a month back when we did Journey 2 together. I honestly didn’t think it would be a problem for me to be her co-star again, since I had you. And it wasn’t, but Vanessa had just broken up with her boyfriend, so she was always talking to me about him and how much she missed him. She was really desperate, you know? And one night we were drinking with the cast in Vanessa’s room, and she kissed me. We were sitting on her bed, talking about her ex, when she grabbed my face and kissed me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t kiss her back, Charlie.”
I was listening quietly, trying not to let my emotions show on my face, but I was slowly dying on the inside. It took everything I had to not burst into tears and storm out. Instead, I was glued to my seat, staring into Josh’s eyes.
He shifted out of his seat, moving cautiously to sit beside me. I felt my body tighten up at the sudden closeness.
“I was pretty drunk that night, not that it’s an excuse. I knew what I did was wrong from the moment it happened. I tried so hard to tell you, but I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you over my own mistake. So I kept it a secret, that is until I saw Vanessa at that party. We had barely spoken since then, and I was quite content not having her in my life, except for on screen. But she showed up out of nowhere babbling on about how much that kiss meant to her and how much she missed me. She stayed the whole night, waiting for me to come back from my bedroom to tell me this. When we were in the kitchen, she was explaining to me how she needed closure. That one more kiss would be her closure. I didn’t want her bothering us anymore, so I just kissed her. I figured I would tell you once the filming of the movie was over and I could explain it to you in proper detail. But we both know that didn’t happen.”
He was looking down at my hand now, inching his own towards it. He lifted up my right hand, smoothing over my fingertips and examining the finger that had that small, white band of skin branded on it. As soon as he touched me, I felt the familiar tingle spread across my body that I use to feel every time he was close.
“You shouldn’t have cheated Josh.”
It was such an obvious statement, but I didn’t know what else to say. He was so close to me, closer than I ever thought would be possible. I thought he forgot about me. I thought he moved on. I knew I couldn’t trust him again, but does that mean I couldn’t try?
He lifted my hand up and pressed his lips against my ring finger. I held my breath, ignoring the wave of nausea that just erupted across my body. I focused my attention on Josh and Josh alone.
“I’ve missed you so much Charlie.”
Josh looked up at me with those beautiful hazel eyes, piercing into my heart and opening up all of the emotions I’ve tried to push away from the surface.
I reached out for his face, pulling him closer towards me. His skin was soft underneath my thumb, bringing an honest smile up to my face for the first time in weeks.
His eyes flickered to my lips, inching his face closer to mine.
His lips pressed against mine, filling the void between us that I had just now noticed. His lips felt so familiar and so safe, it warmed my body to experience him again. It gave me a feeling that I forgot I had.
But I knew this wasn’t right.
I pulled away, biting my lip as I looked into Josh’s eyes.
“Josh, I can’t do this.”
“But, Charlie I’m-“
“No, just let me talk.” His eyes flickered up to mine as he slowly nodded his head, pulling my hands into his.
“I know that you’re sorry. I know how much you regret everything, trust me I get it. But we can’t just kiss and everything goes back to normal. It doesn’t work like that. You hurt me Josh. You hurt me more than I ever thought possible. I barely spoke for a month, let alone get a grip on what actually happened between us. I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you, it’s just I came to London to think, and I haven’t fully done that yet. I need to write, I need to write and think about us. Our first meeting for Mockingjay is in a month. Then we have the premiere for Catching Fire the next week. I’m going back to L.A. then, but until that meeting, I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you to call either. Just let me think, ok? Just please, give me a chance to figure out what I want.”
Josh looked down at my hands, closing his eyes in thought.
“What if you don’t want me?”
I sighed slightly, biting my lip harder. “It’s sickening, but even after you cheated on me, I still wanted you. It took everything I had to run away. I just need to be myself for a while before I begin to find myself again with you. Do you understand?”
He looked up at me with those hazel eyes and smiled his crooked smile, the one I loved so much. He nodded his head, letting go of my hands.
I got up to leave, grabbing the water bottle off the table. Before I opened the trailer door, Josh stopped me.
“I never stopped loving you, you know.”
I turned my head back at him and smiled. This was one thing I was sure of that I felt from the beginning, something that for a while tore me apart. I didn’t want to love him anymore, but he stuck to my heart like glue. Now, I was kind of happy he was still there, still waiting for me.
“Neither did I. I’ll see you in a month.”