Phone Call
one/one
“Verity? Are you… are you still there?”
“I – no, Jamie, put that fork back in the draw. No, come on, give that! – I’m sorry, I am really still here. Just give me a second – Jamie, come back here now!”
“Verity, is this a bad time? I can ring you later if that would be easier for you.”
“No, no Chris, don’t be ridiculous. Jamie’s just being- Rueben? RUEBEN! Could you – I’m sorry, Jamie’s got… yes, thank you so much, I’m sorry. Christ. Jamie! Go and sit on the naughty step now and don’t you dare even think of moving until I’m finished on the phone to Uncle Chris.”
“…Verity?”
“Jesus, Chris, what am I going to – yes, Rueben, I know Jamie interrupted your studying. I’m sorry. Thank you, thank you. I… yes, I know I… Look, I’m on the phone so can’t this wait? Yes, Rueben, thanks – Sorry, Chris. It’s hectic here.”
“I’d gathered as much.”
“What? I can’t hear; the lines gone crackly. Wait a second, I’ll just… Okay, I’ve locked myself in the kitchen. Maybe now we can talk properly- hang on. JAMIE! GET BACK ON THAT STEP NOW. Don’t think I can’t see you! This door has a window, remember! RUEBEN, can’t you–”
“I can just call back later, Verity. Clearly this is really bad timing.”
“No, Chris, don’t! I promise I’ll be with you in just – RUEBEN, for Heaven’s sake do something! ... I don’t care if you’re not Jamie’s child-minder! I’m letting you lodge in my house, aren’t I?”
“Verity, I’m serious…”
“And make sure he stays put this time too! Keep an eye on him for one minute… Chris, are you still hanging on listening to the pit of chaos that’s your sister’s home?”
“Indeed. And to think Mum and Dad always said I should follow your example.”
“It’s not my fault – it’s his father. They see each other twice a week now; you know what Jamie’s father is like.”
“I do. Still as much of an arsehole as ever?”
“God, Chris, he’s worse. Last time I dropped Jamie off, he was flaunting his new woman on his arm like she was the latest designer coat. I can’t even begin to–!”
“I know, I know – but you need to breathe. Jamie’s probably picking up his behaviour from you too, you know.”
“Oh God, you’re right! I’m a terrible mother.”
“Fuck, Verity, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant you need to remain calm. Breathe."
“Breathe. Right.”
“How was Jamie’s birthday anyway?”
“Exhausting. He seemed to have fun though, so... Thanks for the card, by the way – he loved the pop-out five.”
“I’m glad, since it took me all forever to pick it out for my favourite nephew.”
“Jamie’s your only nephew.”
“That doesn’t mean he can’t be my favourite though, does it? … So Jamie’s all right. Are you?”
“COMING, JAMIE! – what did you say, Chris?”
“I asked if you were okay, Verity. You sound tired.”
“Don’t worry about me, Chris. Of course I’m tired. I can deal with it.”
“You shouldn’t have to do it all alone. Let me come down for a weekend, take Jamie off your hands for the day. Take him to Mum and Dad’s – they’d love to see him.”
“You know I can’t afford the trip to Mum and Dad’s, Chris. And they’ve already made their opinions clear concerning… you know.”
“That doesn’t mean they don’t want to see their grandson.”
“It does.”
“No it doesn’t, Verity. Anyway, like I said, I’ll look after him for a day. You should take a break, see all your friends.”
“What friends?”
“Verity–”
“I’m joking, but no. Thanks for the offer Chris, but you shouldn’t have to. Jamie has a dad too and you have your own problems to deal with.”
“I’m fine. I don’t have any problems.”
“Have you told Mum and Dad about you and Leo yet?”
“Well, no, but–”
“Chris!”
“What?”
“You have to tell them. You promised me you would when I last saw you.”
“That was nearly two years ago, Verity. Leo and I weren’t even serious then.”
“But you are now. You’re engaged, aren’t you? Are you going to just not invite our parents to your wedding?”
“Verity, this isn’t just… this isn’t… it’s not that simple.”
“Why not? – Jamie, one second, sweetie. I know, you’ve stayed on the step a long time, I know. One minute – But why not, Chris? Can’t you just tell them that you’re gay?”
“They would kill me.”
“You’re not sixteen years old anymore, Chris. I was sympathetic then, but you don’t live with them anymore. You live with Leo, your fiancé, in your swanky flat in the middle of the city, as far away from our parents as possible. Just tell them.”
“I can’t, Verity.”
“Why not?”
“You know how against it they are. They would probably try and drown me in Holy Water.”
“They aren’t like that anymore. You know they’ve become more liberal… don’t you?”
“…Look, there’s no point discussing this further. Get back to Jamie – I can hear him calling for you and Rueben will probably whack him over the head with a frying pan soon or something.”
“Chris, please–”
“Leave it, Verity. Focus on your own problems.”
“Fine, but I’m holding you by that promise. You will tell Mum and Dad?”
“I…”
“Chris?”
“I will… eventually.”
“Good enough – Jamie, just one more second, darling. Let mummy say goodbye to Uncle Chris – for me – Damn it, is that the door? RUEBEN? GET THE DOOR.”
“...Verity? Still there?”
“Yes, yes – Rueben’s answered it. It’s probably Jamie’s dad, come to drop off the jumper Jamie left behind. I’ll have to go; he’ll want to discuss school marks with me. Stupid twat.”
“Amen.”
“Amen indeed – I’m coming! Hang on one minute more! – I’ll ring you this time, I promise.”
“Sure, sure. Say hello to Jamie and Rueben and ‘the twat’ for me. Love you, Verity.”
“Will do. Take care, Chris. Love you too.”
“I – no, Jamie, put that fork back in the draw. No, come on, give that! – I’m sorry, I am really still here. Just give me a second – Jamie, come back here now!”
“Verity, is this a bad time? I can ring you later if that would be easier for you.”
“No, no Chris, don’t be ridiculous. Jamie’s just being- Rueben? RUEBEN! Could you – I’m sorry, Jamie’s got… yes, thank you so much, I’m sorry. Christ. Jamie! Go and sit on the naughty step now and don’t you dare even think of moving until I’m finished on the phone to Uncle Chris.”
“…Verity?”
“Jesus, Chris, what am I going to – yes, Rueben, I know Jamie interrupted your studying. I’m sorry. Thank you, thank you. I… yes, I know I… Look, I’m on the phone so can’t this wait? Yes, Rueben, thanks – Sorry, Chris. It’s hectic here.”
“I’d gathered as much.”
“What? I can’t hear; the lines gone crackly. Wait a second, I’ll just… Okay, I’ve locked myself in the kitchen. Maybe now we can talk properly- hang on. JAMIE! GET BACK ON THAT STEP NOW. Don’t think I can’t see you! This door has a window, remember! RUEBEN, can’t you–”
“I can just call back later, Verity. Clearly this is really bad timing.”
“No, Chris, don’t! I promise I’ll be with you in just – RUEBEN, for Heaven’s sake do something! ... I don’t care if you’re not Jamie’s child-minder! I’m letting you lodge in my house, aren’t I?”
“Verity, I’m serious…”
“And make sure he stays put this time too! Keep an eye on him for one minute… Chris, are you still hanging on listening to the pit of chaos that’s your sister’s home?”
“Indeed. And to think Mum and Dad always said I should follow your example.”
“It’s not my fault – it’s his father. They see each other twice a week now; you know what Jamie’s father is like.”
“I do. Still as much of an arsehole as ever?”
“God, Chris, he’s worse. Last time I dropped Jamie off, he was flaunting his new woman on his arm like she was the latest designer coat. I can’t even begin to–!”
“I know, I know – but you need to breathe. Jamie’s probably picking up his behaviour from you too, you know.”
“Oh God, you’re right! I’m a terrible mother.”
“Fuck, Verity, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant you need to remain calm. Breathe."
“Breathe. Right.”
“How was Jamie’s birthday anyway?”
“Exhausting. He seemed to have fun though, so... Thanks for the card, by the way – he loved the pop-out five.”
“I’m glad, since it took me all forever to pick it out for my favourite nephew.”
“Jamie’s your only nephew.”
“That doesn’t mean he can’t be my favourite though, does it? … So Jamie’s all right. Are you?”
“COMING, JAMIE! – what did you say, Chris?”
“I asked if you were okay, Verity. You sound tired.”
“Don’t worry about me, Chris. Of course I’m tired. I can deal with it.”
“You shouldn’t have to do it all alone. Let me come down for a weekend, take Jamie off your hands for the day. Take him to Mum and Dad’s – they’d love to see him.”
“You know I can’t afford the trip to Mum and Dad’s, Chris. And they’ve already made their opinions clear concerning… you know.”
“That doesn’t mean they don’t want to see their grandson.”
“It does.”
“No it doesn’t, Verity. Anyway, like I said, I’ll look after him for a day. You should take a break, see all your friends.”
“What friends?”
“Verity–”
“I’m joking, but no. Thanks for the offer Chris, but you shouldn’t have to. Jamie has a dad too and you have your own problems to deal with.”
“I’m fine. I don’t have any problems.”
“Have you told Mum and Dad about you and Leo yet?”
“Well, no, but–”
“Chris!”
“What?”
“You have to tell them. You promised me you would when I last saw you.”
“That was nearly two years ago, Verity. Leo and I weren’t even serious then.”
“But you are now. You’re engaged, aren’t you? Are you going to just not invite our parents to your wedding?”
“Verity, this isn’t just… this isn’t… it’s not that simple.”
“Why not? – Jamie, one second, sweetie. I know, you’ve stayed on the step a long time, I know. One minute – But why not, Chris? Can’t you just tell them that you’re gay?”
“They would kill me.”
“You’re not sixteen years old anymore, Chris. I was sympathetic then, but you don’t live with them anymore. You live with Leo, your fiancé, in your swanky flat in the middle of the city, as far away from our parents as possible. Just tell them.”
“I can’t, Verity.”
“Why not?”
“You know how against it they are. They would probably try and drown me in Holy Water.”
“They aren’t like that anymore. You know they’ve become more liberal… don’t you?”
“…Look, there’s no point discussing this further. Get back to Jamie – I can hear him calling for you and Rueben will probably whack him over the head with a frying pan soon or something.”
“Chris, please–”
“Leave it, Verity. Focus on your own problems.”
“Fine, but I’m holding you by that promise. You will tell Mum and Dad?”
“I…”
“Chris?”
“I will… eventually.”
“Good enough – Jamie, just one more second, darling. Let mummy say goodbye to Uncle Chris – for me – Damn it, is that the door? RUEBEN? GET THE DOOR.”
“...Verity? Still there?”
“Yes, yes – Rueben’s answered it. It’s probably Jamie’s dad, come to drop off the jumper Jamie left behind. I’ll have to go; he’ll want to discuss school marks with me. Stupid twat.”
“Amen.”
“Amen indeed – I’m coming! Hang on one minute more! – I’ll ring you this time, I promise.”
“Sure, sure. Say hello to Jamie and Rueben and ‘the twat’ for me. Love you, Verity.”
“Will do. Take care, Chris. Love you too.”