Changes
Five
Me and Aaron spent the school day at the park. We walked, threw rocks into the pond, talked, laughed, joked, ran, chased, wrestled, walked more, laughed more, said serious things, made vows to never change, and before I knew it I was home. When I walked inside no one was home, Molly was still at school and I assumed mom and dad had gone out. So I went to the answering machine and deleted my absent message. I stared at the machine for a moment realizing what I had just done. I skipped a day of school to go hang out with my best friend who is in love with me.
I ran up the stairs, stumbling over my feet and my hands clinched into my stomach forcing everything to stay ‘til I made it. I slammed the bathroom door open and clung to the toilet, horrible noises came from my body as did any bodily fluids I had left in me from this morning. Fuck. I flushed it down but stayed on the ground. I leaned against the tub and held my knees wiping my mouth onto my jacket sleeve covering the stain from earlier in the field and closed my eyes. Breathe one two three, exhale one two three, breathe one two three, exhale one two three. It was all sinking in. Aaron would never be the same to me again, my record would be damaged whether anyone found out I skipped or not I would know, and I didn’t like knowing. And on top of it all I have more secrets than I can contain inside myself.
A loud groan flew out of my mouth and I got up, nearly tearing the shower curtain down as I used it to help me, and looked in the mirror. My face was just as pale as Aaron’s was when I saw him at school, only my eyes had deep purple bags beneath them. I rubbed them and turned the sink on, sticking my hands under the rushing cold water made my stomach bubbled. Maybe that’s what I need. I turned off the sink and walked over to the bath tub, it was empty and cold. I plugged the drain and turned on the faucets with hot water, steam filled the room quickly and I closed my eyes breathing in the warm sticky air. I pulled my shirt off and stripped down ‘til my body was bare and climbed inside the water. My body stung with the sudden temperature change and I gasped for air holding my breath until my body settled. I relaxed and closed my eyes and did what I could to clear my mind.
Breathe one two three, exhale on two three..
* * * *
When I walked into my room I looked at the clock to see it was 3:57, Molly should be home any moment. I dried my hair and climbed into my bed, tugging my pajama pants down at my ankles, I have out grown these pair. I hugged my pillow and laid flat closing my eyes and sighed. I felt like doing absolutely nothing. But I knew I had homework to do or at least something to study. Maybe I should go online and email my teachers for absent work or notes or anything. But I really didn’t want to, and so I didn’t.
Downstairs I heard the front door open and Molly’s bag dropping to floor. She ran up the stairs and opened my door and through her silence I heard a quiet gasp that she covered with a flick of my light switch. “Ben, what’re you doing?” she scurried into my room and climbed onto my bed, pushing my damp hair out of my face and felt my forehead. I smiled and kept my eyes closed, “Nothing Moll, and I’m not sick.”
“You sure? You look dead!”
I laughed again. “Thanks, but no I’m alive and well. Just really tired and stuff.”
“Did something happen at school?”
“You could put it that way.” I forced myself to sit up a tiny bit to look at her better and she stared up at me, concern filled her eyes and I shook my head, “Really Moll, everything’s cool, I’m just beat.”
“Okay, but I’m right next door if you need me..” she drifted and I smiled.
“You can use my computer, just don’t play any music and keep quiet okay? I want to rest.” she jumped off and made herself comfortable at my desk while I made myself comfortable again in my pillows, my true best friends. They’re soft and comforting and quiet and they don’t turn gay and fall deeply in love with you. Or maybe they do, but they sure don’t say shit so you’d never even know.
Molly’s feet kicked against the desk and the chair, pop crack pop crack pop crack, from one to another, and her fingers tapped on the keyboard in a regular pattern, the mouse clicked every few seconds and the chair creaked as she swiveled in it. This was not relaxing. I rose from my bed and crawled off the edge, I saw Molly peek at me but she paid no mind and continued on with her doings.
I walked out of my room, closing my door behind me, within in seconds I heard music roaring from my computer, but I didn’t mind. I went down stairs and into the kitchen, thinking food might be good for me, but as soon as I opened the fridge a wind of different smells stung in my nose and I threw the door shut. Water sounds great. I grabbed a glass and filled it with ice. Through the kitchen window I could see the neighbors outside on the porch.
They’re a nice couple. Mr. and Mrs. Parson, Mrs. Parson’s first name is Johann, her husband’s is Rodger. Johann has blonde hair, I think it’s short, it’s hard to tell because she always has it up somehow, but I believe it’s short because there are always pieces falling down somewhere. Rodger is a portly guy, brown shaggy hair and looks to be Hawaiian. They both are very sweet and their love for one another shines so bright, sometimes I envy them because it seems as though they have everything right going for them.
I sighed, watching them from afar, thinking how Aaron would never have that. A beautiful wife, holding him on a swing outside and brushing his hair away. But maybe Aaron didn’t want that. Or maybe he did. Maybe he could find it, but it wouldn’t be a wife, it’d be a husband. Or would that be his wife? No, I’m pretty sure it’d be a husband. But how would they be married?
I took a large drink from my glass, hoping to rinse away the thoughts streaming through my mind. I put it in the dishwasher and decided to run it while I was at it. I checked the time; 4:13 p.m.. I wonder when mom and dad would show back home. I wonder if they knew what I did, if they could see it through my eyes, like into my soul. My stomach kicked me hard and I lost all balance, I fell to the floor and my eyes slammed shut, I thought I heard Molly scream, but I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming.
Everything went black around me, I felt like I was falling. This wasn’t like any other time I’ve passed out. I could feel the air around me, it was hot and sticky and suffocating me. I tried to call for someone, but the air cut me off, filling my lungs with this burning sensation. Was I drowning? My body ached, I was swimming now. I was swimming fast and terrified. My body twitched and I couldn’t control it, I needed to swim faster, I need to get out, my lungs were on fire.
SCREAM, I kept telling myself, BREATHE AND SCREAM. But I couldn’t.
I ran up the stairs, stumbling over my feet and my hands clinched into my stomach forcing everything to stay ‘til I made it. I slammed the bathroom door open and clung to the toilet, horrible noises came from my body as did any bodily fluids I had left in me from this morning. Fuck. I flushed it down but stayed on the ground. I leaned against the tub and held my knees wiping my mouth onto my jacket sleeve covering the stain from earlier in the field and closed my eyes. Breathe one two three, exhale one two three, breathe one two three, exhale one two three. It was all sinking in. Aaron would never be the same to me again, my record would be damaged whether anyone found out I skipped or not I would know, and I didn’t like knowing. And on top of it all I have more secrets than I can contain inside myself.
A loud groan flew out of my mouth and I got up, nearly tearing the shower curtain down as I used it to help me, and looked in the mirror. My face was just as pale as Aaron’s was when I saw him at school, only my eyes had deep purple bags beneath them. I rubbed them and turned the sink on, sticking my hands under the rushing cold water made my stomach bubbled. Maybe that’s what I need. I turned off the sink and walked over to the bath tub, it was empty and cold. I plugged the drain and turned on the faucets with hot water, steam filled the room quickly and I closed my eyes breathing in the warm sticky air. I pulled my shirt off and stripped down ‘til my body was bare and climbed inside the water. My body stung with the sudden temperature change and I gasped for air holding my breath until my body settled. I relaxed and closed my eyes and did what I could to clear my mind.
Breathe one two three, exhale on two three..
* * * *
When I walked into my room I looked at the clock to see it was 3:57, Molly should be home any moment. I dried my hair and climbed into my bed, tugging my pajama pants down at my ankles, I have out grown these pair. I hugged my pillow and laid flat closing my eyes and sighed. I felt like doing absolutely nothing. But I knew I had homework to do or at least something to study. Maybe I should go online and email my teachers for absent work or notes or anything. But I really didn’t want to, and so I didn’t.
Downstairs I heard the front door open and Molly’s bag dropping to floor. She ran up the stairs and opened my door and through her silence I heard a quiet gasp that she covered with a flick of my light switch. “Ben, what’re you doing?” she scurried into my room and climbed onto my bed, pushing my damp hair out of my face and felt my forehead. I smiled and kept my eyes closed, “Nothing Moll, and I’m not sick.”
“You sure? You look dead!”
I laughed again. “Thanks, but no I’m alive and well. Just really tired and stuff.”
“Did something happen at school?”
“You could put it that way.” I forced myself to sit up a tiny bit to look at her better and she stared up at me, concern filled her eyes and I shook my head, “Really Moll, everything’s cool, I’m just beat.”
“Okay, but I’m right next door if you need me..” she drifted and I smiled.
“You can use my computer, just don’t play any music and keep quiet okay? I want to rest.” she jumped off and made herself comfortable at my desk while I made myself comfortable again in my pillows, my true best friends. They’re soft and comforting and quiet and they don’t turn gay and fall deeply in love with you. Or maybe they do, but they sure don’t say shit so you’d never even know.
Molly’s feet kicked against the desk and the chair, pop crack pop crack pop crack, from one to another, and her fingers tapped on the keyboard in a regular pattern, the mouse clicked every few seconds and the chair creaked as she swiveled in it. This was not relaxing. I rose from my bed and crawled off the edge, I saw Molly peek at me but she paid no mind and continued on with her doings.
I walked out of my room, closing my door behind me, within in seconds I heard music roaring from my computer, but I didn’t mind. I went down stairs and into the kitchen, thinking food might be good for me, but as soon as I opened the fridge a wind of different smells stung in my nose and I threw the door shut. Water sounds great. I grabbed a glass and filled it with ice. Through the kitchen window I could see the neighbors outside on the porch.
They’re a nice couple. Mr. and Mrs. Parson, Mrs. Parson’s first name is Johann, her husband’s is Rodger. Johann has blonde hair, I think it’s short, it’s hard to tell because she always has it up somehow, but I believe it’s short because there are always pieces falling down somewhere. Rodger is a portly guy, brown shaggy hair and looks to be Hawaiian. They both are very sweet and their love for one another shines so bright, sometimes I envy them because it seems as though they have everything right going for them.
I sighed, watching them from afar, thinking how Aaron would never have that. A beautiful wife, holding him on a swing outside and brushing his hair away. But maybe Aaron didn’t want that. Or maybe he did. Maybe he could find it, but it wouldn’t be a wife, it’d be a husband. Or would that be his wife? No, I’m pretty sure it’d be a husband. But how would they be married?
I took a large drink from my glass, hoping to rinse away the thoughts streaming through my mind. I put it in the dishwasher and decided to run it while I was at it. I checked the time; 4:13 p.m.. I wonder when mom and dad would show back home. I wonder if they knew what I did, if they could see it through my eyes, like into my soul. My stomach kicked me hard and I lost all balance, I fell to the floor and my eyes slammed shut, I thought I heard Molly scream, but I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming.
Everything went black around me, I felt like I was falling. This wasn’t like any other time I’ve passed out. I could feel the air around me, it was hot and sticky and suffocating me. I tried to call for someone, but the air cut me off, filling my lungs with this burning sensation. Was I drowning? My body ached, I was swimming now. I was swimming fast and terrified. My body twitched and I couldn’t control it, I needed to swim faster, I need to get out, my lungs were on fire.
SCREAM, I kept telling myself, BREATHE AND SCREAM. But I couldn’t.