Turn On Me

“You lied.”

“Julia-”

She looked around at the crowded room, tears springing in her green eyes. She looked back at me, stiffening and pulling away. “I-I can’t believe this.”

Someone else tried to reason, speaking her name softly. But she wouldn’t hear it. Julia let the tears fall as she made her way to the door.

She looked at us through obviously blurred vision and spoke the last words that she would for five years.

“You all lied.”

And somehow when she said them we knew they would be her last. Because no one chased after her, because everyone knew she didn’t want to be chased.

Because we lied.

I watched as she wrapped her arms around his neck, planting a loving kiss on his cheek. He gave her a distant smile and she looked up at me, her cheeks blushing with embarrassment.

“Hey, Kennedy. I didn’t see you there,” she smiled.

“Hi, Julia,” I sang, teasing her slightly. My brother sent me a dirty look and I chuckled softly.

“You want to go out and do something?” Julia asked Bryan.

“Not really,” he said shortly.

She sighed, “Well, okay. What do you want to do?”

“I’m really tired, Julia. Can we just lie here?” he asked, rubbing her back and begging her to agree.

I saw her eyes travel to the window reluctantly, wishing to go outside on this beautiful day. She didn’t have many more chances to experience it because in a few weeks she would be off to college.

In Boston.

“Okay,” she finally conceded a smile and they lay down on the couch to my right, watching me play a video game.

Soon Bryan fell asleep, his snoring making it clear. I died on purpose and looked at Julia as she stared up at the ceiling.

“You want to go swinging?”

“Do you want to?” she laughed, unbelieving.

“Come on, Halvorsen. There’s not much time to enjoy this weather,” I said, bringing a smile to her face.

She looked at Bryan and I held out my hand. She carefully grabbed it and let me pull her up from the couch, not stirring him at all. She giggled and we left.

“He sure sleeps a lot,” she said as we walked down the sidewalk.

“That’s what depressed people do,” I said simply.

“He’s not depressed,” she pushed my shoulder.

“He’s sad that his girlfriend is leaving in a few months!” I shrugged.

“I know,” she frowned.

“I was kidding, Jules! That’s not why he’s acting this way. I mean it’s a part of it, but he’s always been like this.”

“Like what?”

“Just… sad. Ever since we were kids. Things go wrong for him a lot, you know. And he dwells on them. You were the best thing that ever happened to him,” I told her honestly.

“And now I’m leaving,” she said, obviously upset.

I picked up my pace and stopped in front of her, “It’s not your fault. His moods are not based on you. He’s been seeing a therapist.”

“I didn’t know that,” Julia replied.

“Ever since he was fifteen. He has his high and low points. This is just a low point,” I told her encouragingly. And it wasn’t a lie. I honestly believed it.

She nodded her head and wrapped her arms around my stomach, pulling me against her. “Thanks, Kenny.”

I smiled, “Anytime, Jules.”

“Are you coming out with us tonight?” I asked as we made our way to the swing set at the park.

“As much as I’d love to spend another night drinking on the top of an abandoned building, I have college stuff to take care of. Count me out,” she said.

“It won’t be the same without my drinking buddy,” I frowned.

“Will you try to make Bryan go? I really want him to get out of the house,” Julia said.

“No problem. I’ll tie him up and throw him in the car if I need to.”

“Thanks,” Julia laughed. “Just bring him home in one piece.”

I smiled jokingly at her, wiggling my eyebrows, “No promises.

“What can I get you, Miss?”

“May I just have a chicken Caesar salad?” I heard her say slowly to the waiter. He took her menu and she thanked him politely before taking a sip of her water.

She looked so different, but at the same time not at all. Her hair, her makeup, her clothes—they were all the same. But it was the little things that she thought no one noticed, hell, maybe she didn’t even notice them herself.

Her smile was just a little bit dimmer. Her eyes a little bit sadder. Her posture slouched and making her look ashamed. Her eyebrows were knitted together in permanent frustration.

And even I knew, that her mind was in a constant search for happiness that she would never find in her current state.

“Oh my God, is that…?”

“We need to leave,” I said brashly, standing up.

John followed my lead, making sure to draw no attention to us. But when I turned I ran into a waiter, knocking his tray all over the ground, bringing curses from his lips.

I was halfway through an apology when I heard the door of the café slam shut, leaving the seat Julia had been in empty.

John and I left the small café and wandered the streets of Boston. Studying the beautiful women and old buildings. The weather was perfect, in fact it was warm outside. But inside I was so nervous and anxious I couldn’t enjoy it.

“Ken,” John said, getting my attention, “You thinking about Julia?”

“I need to talk to her.”

“How do you think you’ll find her?” John asked.

I sighed, “I have no idea.”

We arrived at the venue just in time for the show to start. Afterwards we all went back to a bar, most of us sitting outside on the balcony. I heard the click of heels walking past, not bothering to look up until I heard them stop.

Jared was a little bit drunk and he heard her as well. He turned in his stool. “Julia Halvorsen? Is that you?”

She looked at all of us, bewildered with the sudden and unavoidable confrontation. She made a dart to continue walking past but I jumped over the easy balcony and stopped her.

“Get away from me,” she spat.

“Julia, we need to talk.”

“I don’t think so,” she huffed, pushing past me.

“Julia,” I heard another voice say calmly. I watched as Eric walked to my side, stopping short of embracing her as not to alarm her.

“This just keeps getting better, doesn’t it,” she muttered, tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t leave,” her brother begged. I silently thanked God that A Rocket to the Moon was on this tour with us. No matter how hateful or angry she was, she couldn’t turn her back on her brother.

“One drink,” Halvo said, “With me. Not with them.”

I begrudgingly walked away from them, prodding everyone who was watching to go back to their conversations as well.

I couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder, trying to see if she needed another drink, or if she was getting ready to leave. I had to talk to her. But as when I eventually started to look over more and more, she was frowning less and less. And I didn’t dare ruin her smile.

An hour or two passed, my stress only worsening. The bartender made last call and everyone finished up their drinks. Everyone was excited and drunk just because we had a day off tomorrow. And apparently that included Julia.

Eric came up to me, “I convinced her to come back to the hotel with us. She’s drunk, Ken. Don’t upset her.”

“I won’t,” I said, not sure if I meant it.

The group walked back to the hotel and I stayed far away from Julia and Eric. But once we got back to our rooms the party didn’t stop. In the room was all of our friends from high school. Jared, John, Pat, Garrett, Eric, even Julia’s best friends Cassie and Leah. The grouping was eerily reminiscent of the crowd that agreed to keep a secret bigger than any of us could have imagined.

No one was bringing up old memories that involved Julia or Bryan. No one was trying to be nice to her, because no one wanted to make her angry. She was slowly dozing off with her head on Eric’s shoulder, but the silence prompted her to sit up and speak.

“Remember that one time… when all of you lied to me about Bryan?”

The room fell completely silent. Julia had suddenly sobered up, but I knew she hadn’t been drunk at all. She stood up, looking strong and angry.

“Julia-” Garrett spoke out.

“Shut up, Garrett,” she snapped. “Well it was great catching up with all of you, but I think I’ll be going now. Have a good life.”

“Julia, don’t run away from your problems!” I finally blurted out, standing.

“I’m not running away!” she screamed, walking closer to me. “I didn’t choose to come here, Kennedy! I didn’t come home to see you all one more time or to rekindle some semblance of friendship! I don’t want to confront my problem because it’s not even my problem! It’s yours.”

“You left before you even let us say sorry!”

“Sorry? This isn’t like you forgot to call me when you said you would. You told me he fell! You told me that Bryan fell and that’s why he died. How dare you? How dare all of you!?” she addressed the people around us that were pretending they weren’t listening.

“We did it to protect your feelings! You were so fragile!” I said desperately.

“Since when did any of you care about my state of mind? You told me when we were six that I looked like a boy! And when my grandma died you told me to rub some dirt in it and get over it. So don’t give me that excuse!”

“You loved him!”

“I loved you, Kennedy! I loved all of you and you fooled me. You let me believe that he fell, let me believe that he died in a completely different state of mind then what I thought. I looked like a fool!” she said.

“I’m sorry, Julia,” I said, reaching for her. She stepped farther away. “It was the worst decision I ever made and I regretted it every day that we didn’t speak.”

“I bet you did,” she rolled her eyes.

“Do you remember that conversation we had like a week before you left? About the lies?” I asked, trying to just keep her in the room.

She rolled her eyes, looking so absolutely disgusted with me that I immediately regretted bringing it up.

“When is it okay to lie?”

“Never,” she laughed, looking at me strangely.

“Even if you’re helping someone?” I asked.

“You mean like… a white lie?”

“Yeah, I mean… it can’t be considered malicious if you’re doing it for someone’s good, right?” I asked carefully.

“I guess so,” she shrugged, popping some popcorn in her mouth. “Why? Is there something you need to tell me?”

The smile on her face told me she was joking so I came up with a lie. Another one. “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that when I told you that you weren’t getting fat it was justified.”

She gasped and pushed my shoulder, “I’m mourning!”

“I know, I know,” I laughed, “I was kidding.”

She shook her head, “God, you and Bryan were so alike it’s scary.”

I smiled sadly, “We almost got through a whole conversation without bringing him up.”

She sighed and climbed into my lap, leaning her head on my shoulder, “Will you spend the night again?”

“Of course,” I kissed her head, “I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

“Are you honestly suggesting that you lied for my own good?” she asked.

“I’m not suggesting it, I’m telling it to you as a fact,” I said desperately.

“I told you it was okay to lie if it was small, like telling me that a dress didn’t make me look fat. Not in life and death!” she screamed.

“It wasn’t life and death, Julia! It was his death and-”

She cut me off, “And the way it would affect my life! So instead of mourning the man I loved I had to mourn twice. Once for the man I loved and again for the man I didn’t even know. All because you and your stupid friends decided what was best for me!”

“Julia, we didn’t-” Pat tried to cut in.

“No,” she fumed, “I don’t want to hear the excuses.”

“Then you can’t be mad at us!” John said angrily, “If you won’t listen then you can’t be angry.”

“I wasn’t angry, O’Callaghan! It’s been five years. I was over it. I have a new life, new friends and I’m happy. But seeing all of you is bringing it all back and I can’t do this anymore. So have a great time here and goodbye,” she said before leaving.

The door had barely shut before I made a move to open it again.

Garrett spoke, “Kennedy, it’s useless. She’s never going to forgive us.”

I looked at all of them with their sympathetic frowns and melancholy eyes. I shook my head, “I’m not going to let her go again.”

“Kennedy, I know you loved her. But she loved Bryan… and you lied to her,” Eric said.

“This isn’t about my feelings for her!” I said to him, “This is about a person that I care about hating me when she doesn’t even know why.”

He sighed and held his palms in the air, showing me he was giving up. I opened the door quickly and ran through the hotel and the street outside until I found her. She had her back against the wall, crying.

“Just get away from me!” she seethed.

“Who are you mad at here!?” I shouted.

“Is that a real question?” she asked arrogantly, something so out of character for her.

“Is it me? Or is it Bryan? Because I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty fucking pissed off at him myself!” I said angrily.

“He’s dead, Kennedy! He’s dead and you’re angry at him? Maybe you’re right, maybe you did force him into this!”

I stared at her in shock and grief immediately flooded her previously stoic features.

“I didn’t mean that.”

“No, it’s fine,” I told her, “I’m at peace, Julia. I know that he made a conscious decision to do this and nothing I could do could change that. And you know how I know?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“Because you, the girl that he loved—the person he held on just that much longer for—couldn’t even save him. So how was I supposed to?” I asked rhetorically.

“I could have handled it. I could have taken it if you would have just told me the truth. Why didn’t you tell me the truth!?”

“Because he asked me not to!” I finally screamed, crying now.

“Bryan! What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” I yelled over the loud wind.

He looked at me, panicked. “Just get out of here, Kennedy.”

“Bryan, it’s time to go,” John called from my side.

“Can you all just leave me alone?” he yelled, taking a drink of the whiskey in his hand.

“Bryan, you’re scaring me,” Cassie yelled.

“Yeah, come on Bry,” Leah said, holding on to Jared’s arm.

“I don’t want this anymore!” he yelled.

“Someone call Julia,” I said to my friends.

Bryan heard me, “No! Don’t call her or I swear to God I’ll jump.”

I walked closer to him, “Come on, Bry. We’re all a little drunk. Just step away from the ledge. The footing is loose up there, you know. You’re going to kill yourself.”

“Exactly,” Bryan said. “I’m not happy, Kennedy! I haven’t been for a long time. Julia is the only good thing in my life and she’s leaving me, too.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bryan! I thought you were getting better!”

“I’m not! I’ll never be better,” he said hopelessly, for a second making me believe him.

I was crying now, not sure if it would help or harm. “Bryan… Bryan, please come down.”

“I’m sorry, Kennedy. Tell mom and dad I love them,” he looked away to me and back to the edge of the building.

“What about Julia!?” I screamed, walking closer to him. John was walking slowly to his other side.

I saw my little brother’s shoulders rise and fall slowly. He gave me one last longing look, showing the most emotion he had in his whole life.

“Tell her I fell.”

She stared at me in horror, partly because of my screaming but mostly in the shock of what I just told her.

“My brother asked me to tell you that he fell as his last wish. I didn’t help him his whole life, and I was going to be damned if I didn’t help him in his death, either.”

She fell into my arms, crying. “I needed you, Kennedy. I needed you to be honest. Damn Bryan. Damn what he wanted, he was obviously wrong.”

I pulled away from her, keeping my hands on her shoulders, “So who are you mad at?”

I could almost feel her throat closing up as she realized what she had been denying all of these years. “Bryan. I’m angry at Bryan.”

“Julia, for a long time I accepted that you hated me because I didn’t want you to hate Bryan. But Bryan was selfish. And now he’s dead and he’s still being selfish,” I said sadly, “I can’t stand it anymore. You can’t hate me anymore, Julia. I need you.”

She sighed and we stayed silent for a few minutes. Once we had finally gathered ourselves she spoke. “Do you think Bryan ever really loved me?”

“I don’t know,” I told her honestly, “I like to think he did.”

“Just not enough.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“I’m sorry I blamed you,” she said meekly.

“I’m sorry I let you.”

And I wrapped my arm around her neck and she around my torso, and we must have stayed like that for hours, because I couldn’t let her go.

In those moments I knew that our relationship wasn’t repaired. It wasn’t even mended, but now she could finally mourn him. Bryan wasn’t aware of the mark he would leave on us. And Julia didn’t know the mark she left on me for those five, hateful years she was absent.

Because sometimes it’s easier to be mad at the people you trust. You know they’ll always love you, no matter what.