No Greater Fear

"He's not worth it, you know."

I quickly blotted at my drowning eyes with the sleeve of my white cardigan, my spine stiffening at the grainy voice. I recognized it from anywhere, and slowly, I spun on my bare heel, the carpet burning against it. John's face offered a soothing smile as he leaned against my doorway.

"There's this thing called knocking," I mumbled, trying desperately to make myself look less pathetic, tugging at my floral skirt.

As I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I wanted to crawl back into a hole. That looking less pathetic thing? It wasn't even close to possible. I looked so pitiful. John's green eyes glanced over me carefully, piercing right through to my soul. I hated it when he did that.

"You shouldn't leave your apartment unlocked," he retorted, raising his eyebrows.

"Whatever," I snapped, narrowing my eyes. "What the hell do you want?"

"Piper," he said softly, his lanky body slowly gravitating toward me. I sniffled, falling into his arms.

"I don't know what happened," I choked out against his v-neck. "Why does every single relationship I have end like this?"

"I dunno, Pip," he sighed against my unruly raven curls. "What happened?"

"Ryan and I were supposed to go out tonight, and so I went over to his apartment early to surprise him. And he was on the couch with some random fucking girl." I could feel my voice wavering with every syllable.

"What a douche bag," John growled, holding me closer.

"I know," I sighed, tangling my fingers together behind his back. "I don't even think I'm mad about it. It's just...is there something wrong with me? Am I not enough?"

"Don't say that," John scolded immediately, and I shrunk into him.

"Sorry. I feel like I should just stop being surprised when this happens."

"No, you shouldn't. You deserve the world. And you have every right to be raging right now."

"He's not worth my rage. He's a dick."

"He is a dick," John grinned. His expression quickly changed though as he brushed a finger over my cheekbone; his own silent reassurance. "I wish I could do something."

I laughed grimly. "You do so much for me, J. I mean, believe it or not, you're the most sane relationship I have."

His arms stiffened around me, and my chocolate eyes searched his. My lips parted in a feeble attempt to form a question, but he cut me off.

"Yeah, well, that's fucked up. I mean, look at me," he teased, and I chuckled.

"We are a pretty fucked up couple, aren't we? I mean, you're a sailor-mouthed rock star who drinks like there's no tomorrow, and I'm the chronically heartbroken college misfit."

"C'mon, you're no misfit. Pip, you're the most incredible girl I've ever known."

His arms untangled, and he grabbed one of my hands with his, looking at me seriously.

"Okay O'Callaghan. Cut it out," I demanded lightly, feeling my cheeks go rosy.

He gave me a lopsided grin, running his free hand through his tawny hair nervously. "I'm serious."

"John-"

"No, Piper, before you say anything, just listen, kay?" He looked at me with pleading eyes, and I bit my bottom lip gently. "This isn't how I wanted to do this. This isn't the right time, or place, or situation. But dammit, it doesn't even matter, because when I'm with you, everything's right."

"What are you trying to say, John?" I asked hesitantly. I could feel my heart thudding erratically in my chest.

"I'm your guy, Pip. For god's sake, just give me a chance to be that for you," he begged, his fingers gently trailing up my side.

"I'm so sorry, J, but I can't do this," I wriggled out of his grip, backing against my turquoise walls.

"Bullshit," he said calmly. The hint of a smirk trickled onto his pursed lips. I blinked a few times, my eyelashes tickling my skin.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. This whole think, I know it's not what you really want?"

"When the hell did you become an expert at what I want? 'Cause quite frankly, I don't even know what the fuck that is!"

"You know what you do?" he asked, motioning with his hands. I rolled my eyes before scuffing my toes against the hardwood.

"I bet you're gonna tell me," I mumbled.

"Damn straight. You always go for the assholes and douches that you know are gonna cheat on you or break your heart. You push away any good guy who tries to get your attention!"

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as I pushed off the wall and took a few steps toward him. "Why on earth would I purposefully put myself through hell like this?"

"Because Pip, you're so scared that someone might actually want to be with you!"

"And why the fuck is that?"

"I fucking love you Piper Elise! I love your stubbornness and your sarcasm and your ability to embrace life the way you do! I've known you forever, and I've loved you just as long! You know we'd be perfect together, which is why you're so desperate to keep me at arms' length!"

"No I'm-"

"Yes, you are! It's more than your fear of being loved. You're afraid that you might actually love someone. That someone could be me, and you damn well know it! You wanna be with me, just as much as I wanna be with you, and I'd put money on it!"

I stared at him in awe, my lips parted slightly. His breathing was slightly labored as he cocked an eyebrow at me, challenging me to rebut his passionate words.

"Wow, your a bit presumptuous there, aren't you?" I fired back, shaking my head at the ceiling.

"I hope you realize that wasn't a denial."

God, I wanted to wipe that smug smirk right off his face.

"John-"

"You said it yourself. I'm your most sane relationship."

"Yeah, and then I continued to point out how fucked up a couple we were!"

His eyes shone and before I had time to think or react, his lips were on mine. My head was spinning as my arms wound around his neck and into his tawny hair. I could feel his arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me closer. As our lips moved together, I couldn't focus or think or be as mad as I clearly should've been.

John pulled away, and I let out a squeak of disappointment. His back was slightly hunched as he rested his forehead against mine, looking into my eyes with a grin. I nearly knocked him off his feet as I pressed my lips back against his.

Much to my dismay, he again backed away.

"Admit it, Piper. You want us to be together just as much as I do. You know we should be together. You know I love you," his voice was soft, and the corner of his lips were twitching into a small smile.

"No," I shook my head vigorously, and John's fingers tugged at the ends of his hair.

"Then why did you kiss me back?"

I opened and closed my mouth a few times before running my hands over my face.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Yes, you do," John countered, approaching me slowly again.

"John..."

"Put aside your fear and your goddamn shield for a fucking second. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't wanna be with me. I dare you."

My eyes glinted with the challenge. My syrupy irises searched his clear ones, and I could feel the words on the tip of my tongue. As much as I tried to push them out, they wouldn't go.

"Dammit John!" I exclaimed, pushing away from him and pacing the floor of my bedroom.

"What?" he prodded.

"I'm so fucking pissed at you right now!"

"What did I do?" Genuine concern filled his voice, and I stopped in my tracks. My hands flew into the air as I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I can't, okay? I can't because you're right! I love you!"

"You love me?" John repeated, and I glared at him.

"Yeah, that's what I said. I love you, okay?"

I was prepared to rant his ear off, but I never got the chance. His strong arms were wrapped securely around my waist, and suddenly my feet weren't even touching the ground anymore. He held me up as his lips synced beautifully with my own. As soon as he kissed me, any rage I had left my body. I felt...happy.

"You love me," he teased, his lips parting from mine for a mere second. I closed the gap between them for a sweet second before responding.

"You love me back."

"I always have, Pip. Always will. So you're just gonna have to get over your irrational fear of love."

"As long as it's you I'm loving, I think I'll make it just fine."