All the Things She Said

Harry's soft pink lips had met Lillian's slightly thicker lips, that had a perfect pout to them. They both gave into each other without question nor hesitation. A simple "shut up" was all that had fallen from Harry's mouth after it was over. A "We'll talk about it in the morning," followed closely behind.

The sudden kiss had brought back old memories and old feelings that had never seemed to have left. This sudden kiss was such a surprise to them both that they hadn't thought much of it when it happened. Though the next morning it was the only thing she could think about. She realized how big of a mistake it was and was far from being happy with herself. She woke up that next morning hating herself.

What was she going to tell Alex? How was she going to tell Alex? It had all became quite clear that Alex had been right all along. Though she couldn't say Harry and her were great friends, she also couldn't deny that there were some feelings still there. She found herself resenting ever wanting to clear the air with Harry. It was inappropriate and unfair to Alex, because she loved him or so she thought. Maybe she had just confused her feelings of desperation, sadness, and the need to feel wanted for love. She all of a sudden had began to question if she even knew what love was.

There was a reoccurring theme playing in her thoughts though, hate and regret. She hated herself beyond compare and she knew she would regret her next actions later, but she didn't care.

Lillian escaped from Harry's loose grasp and over to his closet, searching for a decent pair of sweatpants. She stripped her body of her shorts and stepped into the baggy grey cloth that barely clung to her.

She quietly tiptoed out of Harry's bedroom and into the dark hallway, figuring it would be safer in the hall bathroom. She navigated her way through the dark hallway until she reached the slightly familiar door, just off Louis's bedroom, harshly pushing it open. She turned on the light and began to stare mindlessly at herself. Smeared eyeliner and caked mascara clutter her face, and her auburn hair pulled messily into a tight pony tail.

'Nasty, ugly, worthless,' Lillian thought to herself.

She was seeing herself, but it was if it wasn't really her. She was lost in her own refection, but she wasn't so sure if she wanted to be found. She could hear herself screaming on the inside for someone to let her out, but it was no use. Lillian Madison had taken control years ago, and she wasn't going away anytime soon.

Lillian began to search the large bathroom for the sharpest thing she could find. She was loosing control of her life and she knew it. She also knew falling into a relapse wouldn't help, but she didn't care.

Once she located a spare razor she made her way to the empty bathtub. Her finger lightly graced the sharp edge, sending a cool rush through her body, as she slid into the large tub. The way it began to slightly glisten in the light only heightened her need for it.

She placed the cool edge to her warm wrist, and pressed ever so lightly. The razor was so sharp that it cut though her skin like a knife over warm butter. With every swift movement she felt like she was suddenly in control of her life, but she was far from it. She felt as if all of her troubles were slipping away, but she was the only thing that was slipping away. It was only making her problems worse.

Once Lillian had felt satisfied with herself, she placed the razor in her sweatshirt pocket and rested her head against the edge of the bathtub. She leaned her head back, losed her eyes tightly, and took in a few long, slow breaths.

Lillian sat quietly in Harry's bedroom, replaying the scene over and over again in her head. Her thoughts began to haunt her. She hated the feeling of relapse. She hated not being able to drop old her habits.

"Lillian," Harry asked. He was now standing in the door frame, watching Lillian with sad eyes. Harry held two large mugs in his hands, both filled with hot cocoa. "Can we talk?"

Lillian simply pretended not to see him, not wanting to talk about it, as she turned away from him. Harry sensed her reluctance, but continued toward her anyways. He wasn't going to let it go. He couldn't.

He placed their cups aside and took a spot beside Lillian. He let out a deep sigh as he tried to figure out where to start.

"Lillian, I'm sorry," he paused, "I shouldn't have kissed you, and I shouldn't have been so insensitive." He pulled her closer to him, gently rubbing her back. Lillian didn't pull away, but she didn't except his gesture either.

"Don't be," Lillian finally said. "You weren't the only one at fault." She gave him a warm smile as she reached over him, grabbing one of the mugs. She took a long sip and smiled as the hot liquid warmed her. "You even remembered the caramel." Lillian's smile grew even larger with pure delight.

"How could I ever forget? That winter we spent together you lived off nothing but hot chocolate," he said with a cheeky grin. "You're my girl."

"Oh, poor choice of words don't you think mate," Lillian asked. Her eyes looking up at him from behind the large cup, causing Harry to laugh.

"I suppose so," he said as his laughter died down. "But Lillian, we need to have a bit of a chat." His face had now become serious and his tone took a slightly deeper pitch.

"And what might this chat be about," Lillian said. Though she wasn't the slightest bit clueless, she knew exactly what this 'chat' would be about.

"Lillian, this is serious. I can't live with myself as long as I know this is going on," Harry said. His face grew serious. He softly began to bite the inside of cheek as he continued to stare at her.

"I can assure you that I have no clue as to what you're talking about, love" Lillian said mocking Harry in the cheekiest way possible. She began to take a sip from her cup, but Harry pulled it quickly from her lips. He was serious and didn't have time for her to try to avoid the conversation.

"Lillian, just tell me why? I can't tell you to stop," Lillian rolled her eyes and pushed herself away from him. "I can only ask for an explanation." He sat patiently waiting for an answer.

Lillian simply bit her lip. She tried to find the right way to say it, but it quickly dawned on her that there was no right way to say it. There was no way she could make it sound any better than what it actually was; it was reality.

"It's comforting," she said quietly. "It gives me peace of mind. It gives me control."

"Isn't that a bit contradictory," Harry asked. He had never really understood the concept, nor had he ever known of anyone that had done such a thing.

"Yes, I suppose, but it just makes sense in my head. I guess it's because the physical pain distracts me from the emotional pain." Lillian shrugged, not sure of her reasons herself. "It's not the same every time though. Its-- I'm not sure."

Harry looked down at her so naturally as he listened to every word. He knew that she had several problems, but he could only start in one place, and he had to understand before he could help. He sat like a sad-eyed puppy wanting her to continue.

"And it's not like I don't know it's wrong, because I do, it's just so hard to quit you know?" She was now looking up at him, hoping he had understood.

"I suppose," Harry said. "I can't really say," he said honestly. Harry had no clue what it was like to cut yourself, hell he didn't even know what depression really felt like. "But can I ask you something?" Lillian nodded though she was a tad bit scared, considering she had never really talked about it before. "When did this start? The cutting I mean." He watched as her facial appearance changed to a more of a somber look.

"Uh, sometime after Lakota died," Lillian said, beginning to fidget. "Well yeah, that's exactly when really. It was just after his funeral when I really thought about it." She paused for a bit, thinking about how to put it. "No one really understood what I was feeling. I guess it was more of a way to cope with things. I had just lost my brother for goodness sakes. I mean I know it wasn't all about me, but he was more than just my brother, he was my best friend and at times my only friend. It was just so hard without him there."

"And then?" Harry wanted to know her whole story with the situation, because he hadn't remembered her cutting during their time together. Then again, she did try to kill herself the day they had met.

"Well, then I began to cut more and more often. I would do it any place, anytime, and anywhere. I would cut my arms, legs, stomach, really just about everywhere. It got to be such an addiction that I started to carry a razor everywhere I went. I got quite good at hiding it though," she paused a moment to laugh. "It's sick to think about. I honestly remember thinking that if I cut too deep that I wouldn't even care, that's probably when I started to scare myself a bit."

Lillian lifted her shirt so Harry could see the, now fading, scars on her stomach. She watched as Harry's eyes explored the rest of her body; she knew he was wondering where else scars appeared on her body.

"Don't look at me like that," she said, pulling her top back down.

"How am I supposed to look at you when you tell me stuff like that," Harry asked, completely dumbfounded.

Lillian waved off his silly question and continued with her story. "So then I went and got help. It wasn't easy and no one really understood why I did the things I did. They either took it really well and they were supportive or they thought I was doing it for the attention, but that didn't really matter to me. They were just scared. I knew Lakota would have wanted me to do something about it, and I knew no one else was going to help me. So yes, I eventually quit. I quit for quite a while too, but then I relapsed." Lillian began to bit her bottom lip again. Her tongue grazed her chapped lips, a familiar taste of blood coating the inside of her mouth.

"I had started cutting again just days before I met you. It's crazy because you saved my life. Even if I hadn't tried to jump off that roof, I was going to hurt myself and it was going to be a lot worse than a few cuts. So thank you for that Harry." She let a small smile play on her lips before speaking again. "But as soon as you were gone," she let out a small wine, "I went down hill so fast. I had reached a new low. I mean I had gone to the hospital a significant amount of times before I really started to notice what I was doing to myself, and even then I hadn't stopped completely. I just began to blame you and tricked myself into believing that I wasn't in the wrong at all. It was as if the more I blamed you, the more I hated myself you know?"

Harry was at a loss for words. He could only sit there and stare at her. She had gone through so much and she was a simple nineteen and this was only part of her dark story.

This girl, half Harry's size, appeared to be so soft and delicate, but she was braver and stronger than Harry knew he would ever be. He felt nothing but heart wrenching sorrow and pure respect for this girl. No words would ever be able to express what he felt, so he just stared.

"Harry, please stop looking at me like that." Lillian said, starting to feel as if telling him all of this was a mistake. "You make me feel like some sort of pariah."

"How am I supposed to look at you? I care about you so much and to hear you tell me something like that? It kind of breaks my heart. You would think that Lillian McFierce would have it so nice and easy, but that's not the case at all. No one knows what your home life is really like. No one knows what you go through everyday. You've told me so much and I still don't feel like I know everything."

"Well what did you really expect Harry? After all of these years stuff really starts to pile up. What can I say? There's a lot to tell." Lillian said. She leaned in closer to Harry, noticing his tears, and wiping them with the back of her hand. "Don't cry over me H, I'm not worth it."

Harry couldn't hold it in anymore. Her words had really gotten to him. He grabbed her and pulled her into the tightest hug he had ever given anyone. The tears were streaming down his face now.

"Don't you dare say you're not worth it. You're worth more than all the money in the world. You're worth so much... to me," he whispered lightly into her ear.

"But Harry--," Lillian started. Harry quickly ended the hug to look at her. He started her right in her eyes with disbelief.

"No, I don't want to hear it," he yelled. "You don't know how amazing you really are, and I think that's a load of bullshit! Whoever has told you otherwise has been feeding nothing, but lies." Harry had never been more serious in his life. "Give it to me."

Lillian could only look at him with confusion.

"What you cut yourself with, give it to me," Harry demanded once more.

Lillian was a little reluctant to, but she did it anyways. She reached her hand into the large jumper pocket and pulled out the bloody razor. She placed it into Harry's hand as her body began to shake, a sudden wave of embarrassment rushing through her body.

"I know that I can't ask you to just stop cutting completely because I know that just won't happen, but you can promise me that you will think about what you're doing, yeah?" Lillian nodded. "And I know we haven't been on great terms lately, but you know that I'm always here right? Whatever I do or what happens between us, it doesn't matter because you're worth so much more than all of that bullshit alright?"

Harry pulled Lillian onto his lap, holding her close to him like fragile china. He held her tight and never wanted to let her go, feeling it was his job to protect her.

"I promise," Lillian said, resting her head on his chest. "I promise."

The two had gotten so caught up with each other that they had forgotten about other major issues: the kiss and the fact Alex would be there any minute, but for those few brief minutes it didn't matter. But that's all it was, a few minutes. Their moment of sentiment would soon be over.

Loud knocking came from the front door and it wasn't long before it turned into loud conversation. It was clear that this argument was over Lillian and was started by none other than Alex.

Lillian let out a loud sigh as she pulled herself from Harry's lap. She had forgotten she called Alex in a frenzy, begging him to come pick her up. She sighed, knowing what was coming and that it would be useless to resist the truth.

"Lillian," Alex's voice boomed from the hallway.

"I have to go, Haz. I'll be back. I promise." Lillian quickly shut her eyes as she made her way toward Harry's door, remembering Alex's new aggressive behavior. She opened the door quickly, as if it were a band-aid, and prayed for the best.