All the Things She Said

Lillian and Alex sat quietly in the parking lot of his apartment building, waiting for the other to start the conversation. There was nothing to be heard, but dead silence. Neither of them had spoken a word since we left Harry and Louis' place, knowing that if they had it would have been the start of World War III, but Lillian could tell that the silence was getting to him. She was just waiting for him to fly off the handle. That's how their arguments started ever since Alex started to not act like himself. It scared her just how aggressive he had become.

"Lillian, can you explain to me why the hell I had to pick you up from Harry fucking Styles' house," Alex asked hastily, breaking the silence. "And let's not pretend like I didn't notice your bandaged wrists." He raised an eyebrow as he waited for a response. Lillian noticed him getting more and more impatient with every second that passed.

Lillian could only bite her lip and hope that his curiosity would pass. What were she to say? She slept in Harry's bed and kissed him? It didn't seem like the appropriate conversation starter.

"Well," Alex asked. Lillian shook her head in protest. She couldn't tell him without the conversation turning sour. "There has to be a reason Lillian! You wouldn't call me in tears, begging me to pick you up for nothing," he shouted, without even looking at her.

Lillian could feel herself beginning to rot on the inside with pure guilt. She was getting closer and closer to cracking.

"Lillian, you're my girlfriend and, even though we fight, I do care about you. I know I've been kind of a jerk lately, but just tell me okay?" He spoke with a soft tone, and looked deeply into her eyes.

Lillian bit down on her lip a bit harder, hesitancy wadding inside her stomach. Her hands began to tremble as she freed her lips from each other, and let the words escape from her mouth. "Harry and I," she started to say. A feeling of terror had fallen over her. Tears began to well up in her eyes. "We kissed." The words flew out of her mouth faster than she could comprehend herself.

Alex had gone mute, but his feelings were evident. His hands were clinched into fists, gripping his jeans, and his face pale from rage. He had quickly became hard to read.

Lillian had never been so afraid of Alex. He was her best friend, but in that very moment she was terrified. The anticipation was killing her and she knew he was about to explode. It was like the moment in horror movies before antagonist attacks. You know it's going to happen, but you just don't know how or when. That was the most terrifying part.

"So you are cheating on me?" His voice was calmer than the Caribbean sea, yet harsher than a hurricane.

"No, it wasn't like that," Lillian said, touching Alex's arm. He hastily pulled away from her.

"Stop it Lilly! You can't pretend like it wasn't cheating, because it is. I know what I said last night, but I was just upset. I didn't mean for you to shack up with your ex." He began to stare out of the window, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Yeah, but it's not--."

"It's like I can't even trust you anymore! You loved him didn't you? You still do don't you? God, you probably fucked him too right?" Alex shook his head in pure disgust. His head was spinning. "You know that you want him and you're just playing me! Lillian, I can't believe you right now. All of this time I've wasted on you, on us. I at least thought we were friends." He spoke rapidly, fire and steam coming out of his mouth, with anger. He had gone red and his fists clinched tighter.

"No! You know it's not like that, Alex. I-," she said, unable to finish her sentence. She didn't understand where this was all coming from. She didn't understand why he was getting so upset and accusing her of things she didn't do. He knew that she wouldn't do that to him. He knew that he was all she really had now-a-days.

"Dammit Lillian, sometimes I just want to," his sentence broke as he turned to face her.

Alex had risen his fist to eye level. Time had soon slowed and everything around her became so vivid. The smell of someone smoking outside, the sound of booming music from the night club from down the road, and the taste of the thick air. Lillian took in a sharp breath as Alex's knuckles came into quick contact with her soft face. It happened rapidly and somehow so slowly all at the same time.

He looked at her almost as if she wasn't even there, but for a split second she saw a bit of guilt in his eyes. Then without letting another second go by, he left. He stormed from the car park and into the lobby of the building. Lillian could only stare in shock. She had never thought Alex would ever hit her, never.

Blood began to poor from her nose and drip slowly onto her legs. Lillian put her head in her hands, breathing deeply, and fought the urge to cry. She couldn't let herself do such a thing after all of the shit she'd been through in her life. This was simply wood added to the fire. She could not let herself cry over something like this.

Lillian sat in a daze for about twenty minutes before Alex started blowing up her phone. Voice mail and text message alerts flooded her mobile, all stating how sorry he was. Lillian rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair.

She pushed her self out of Alex's car and forced herself into the building. She knew she shouldn't have been doing this, but it was like he had her under a spell. It was impossible for her not to blame herself.

The dried blood on her face caused concern to pour over everyone's faces as she stepped into the lift. She shrugged off their looks and pretended not to notice their staring. She waited for her floor like everyone else, like there was nothing wrong, and stepped off without missing a beat.

Lillian approached the door and let herself in. It was dark and cold. The silence was haunting and the smell seemed more sharp than normal.

She approached the bedroom, moving slower with every step. She leaned against the door frame, peering into the room, and second guessed herself. It was too late to turn back. She had no way of getting anywhere else, and she could feel Alex's eyes on her.

"Lillian," he whispered to her. "I'm sorry." He sat up and motioned her over to him. His spell took over again and her body automatically moved toward him. He pulled her onto his lap so that she was straddling him, and rested her head onto his chest.

"You do forgive me right, Lillian? You know it wasn't my fault right? You made me so livid and I couldn't control myself. You know that right? I'm just so afraid of losing you." Lillian nodded her head and looked up at him. She could see the regret on his face. She could tell he was sorry, but she felt as if it were misplaced. His apology was genuine, but it felt as if he were apologizing for something else. His words caused her to criticize herself in a way that made her feel bad about the situation.

Lillian suddenly felt that the only way to make it right was to give him the one thing he wanted. She promised herself she wouldn't until she was ready, but she thought there was nothing else to do. She loved him and wanted him to love her back.

She tuned the voice in her head out and started what she would soon regret. She kissed his lips softly and ran her hands through his hair. He pulled back at first, but quickly figured out what was happening. He started to pull her shirt over her head, and she could feel herself go stiff. She ignored her instinct and let it happen. She pushed him on his back and started to undress him as well.

He rolled her on her back, and she shut her eyes, her stomach churning. It felt wrong and sick, but she couldn't let him down, not again. She had to push through this to make things better. In her head, it was the only way to make things right.

It was pure agony, but numbing herself as soon as her feelings started to become evident made it bearable. She had laid down with a dog, and she could feel his fleas jumping all over her body.

♠ ♠ ♠

Lillian woke the next morning to an empty bed and harsh daylight. The large window to the side of her sat slight cracked, causing her bare body to shiver under the white satin sheets. Though she felt cold and alone, she was happy Alex wasn't in sight. The grim events of the night before began to flood her brain and caused her to cringe. She could still feel his dirty hand print on her not so pure body. She felt the hands that she had an unexpected obedience to.

She wrapped herself in the sheets and began to search the room for her underwear and something decent to put on. Whilst doing so, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and she didn't recognize who was looking back at her.

Lillian saw a broken down girl, who had major boy issues, and was in dire need of help. She was depressed. She was desperate. She was somehow able to hide in her own skin. Those who didn't truly care for her, she held close, but pushed away those who loved her most.

She never thought herself to be one of those girls. The ones who finds herself in a broken relationship with that boy that she lets hit her. But somehow, she still found herself staring into a mirror with a bruised face.

She could no longer face her reflection. She quickly turned from the mirror and began to search for some proper clothing. A few items were folded neatly on the larger dresser, and a small note sat beside them. She sat on the bed and read it carefully.

I know I've been a rubbish boyfriend lately, but I promise I will make it up to you, babe. Sorry I couldn't be there this morning to kiss the pain away. I didn't want to wake you.

-Alex.

P.S. I'm sorry about last night.

Lillian read the note over again and again, hoping to read it differently. She had hoped that she wouldn't believe his apology with every time she read it. She wanted to feel a burning rage throughout her body, but it never came. She felt like a crippled child who owed this boy her love. She was blinded by fear and wrong devotion, but not for long.

Lillian put the note down at the sound of the front door opening. A crooked smile appeared on her face and a pain struck in a heart. She shuffled out of the room into the hallway, still wrapped in the sheet, but she stopped at the sound of his voice.

"Babe, you know you're my only girl." Lillian smiled larger. She turned the corner, ready to greet her boyfriend, but she was greeted by something else. Alex stood in the doorway with another girl in his arms. "I just can't invite you in right now."

Lillian quickly turned and rushed back into the bedroom. Her lungs began to hurt as she began to find it hard to breathe. She began to feel as if she were about to die as her chest began to burn with a stinging fire. In that moment she realized that she had been sleeping next to a liar. Everything she once knew she started to question because for years she had trusted a monster. She didn't want to deal with another heart break. Not like this.