All the Things She Said

"Are you even listening to me," Alex asked from beside Lillian. They sat on a train on their way to Lymm. Emily had went to London earlier that day to retrieve Landon, and the whole group was supposed to meet up at Landon's favorite restaurant, La Boheme. Lillian was less ecstatic about the gathering, but figured it would be worse if she didn't show up.

"Of course, Alex," Lillian responded. She rested her head against the window and watched the scenery go by. She had been lost in deep thought for most of the ride, but still managed to comprehend most of what Alex was saying.

"Well, I'm getting quite tired of our one-sided conversations," Alex protested into a small pout. "Are you alright," Alex finally asked. He soon realized he was being selfish. He didn't actually mind the fact that he did all of the talking, but he minded that Lillian didn't pretend to be interested anymore. He could see her small light of hope dwindling.

"Me? I'm fine." A simple seventeen words was all she had left to spare.

"Lillian, no you're not. You've been feeding me the same bullshit lies for the longest. Obviously something is up. You might as well just tell me now." Alex had turned to face her, but Lillian stayed purposely turned away.

"I've just been thinking." She said it as plainly as she could. She felt it useless to fill every word with pointless emotion. It seemed unnatural.

"Thinking about what exactly? Simply thinking shouldn't get someone down for so long, mate." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders in a playful manner, hoping to get a smile out of her.

"About life. It doesn't seem worth it." She turned to look him in the eyes. She wanted to catch his reaction of what she had said. She wanted to know if it would affect him, or if he even knew what she meant by it.

Alex looked back at her with a confused look. His eyebrows became knit together, his eyes squinted, and his nose was a bit flared. He shook his head at her, not sure how to respond. He didn't want to assume they were thinking the same thing, but he didn't want to ignore the issue.

"Of course it's worth it, Lillian. There is a lot more to it than most people think. Sure, it might seem a bit off now, but in the long run you'll soon realize how much it is worth. Trust me, Lillian. You just have to have the will to carry on." Alex searched her eyes, expecting to see a change in them, or even a slight glimmer of ambition. He stared deeply, but they seemed empty.

"Alright, I don't want to hear anymore about it." Alex shook his head in a disapproving manor, though Lillian hadn't said a word back to him.

Lillian turned away from him and contiued to look out of the window. She hadn't gotten the complete reaction she had wanted. She knew he had caught on to what she was saying, but he didn't fully understand. However, she couldn't blame him. It was hard to comprehend the fact that your best friend didn't want to live anymore.

The train came to an abrupt stop, and a voice came over the speaker. Passengers from all different walks of life, boarding from different places, began to unload onto the platform. Other occupants of the train remained seated, hoping their stop would be soon.

"Come on, Lillian," Alex pulled at her wrist. "This is our stop." Lillian was once again pulled from her thoughts and was being dragged through the train doors. Alex continued to pull her along until they were out of the station and a bit closer to the restaurant.

"I have money for a cab, if you would like," Alex offered, now letting go of her.

Lillian shook her head and pointed towards the pavement. She took off into the direction of the restaurant. She preferred to walk instead. By walking, she could prolong the dreaded "family" gathering.

"If you insist," Alex said and followed closed behind her until he caught up to her. He wanted to talk about their recent conversation on the train, but knew her words were limited. Alex often wished that Lillian would talk to him more and that he didn't have to force her into a conversation.

The pair walked side-by-side in complete silence throughout the town. An awkward tension had risen from between them, but neither of them felt the need to address it. They simply continued in unresolved tension until they reached the restaurant. Alex grabbed Lillian's hand, only to have her pull away. Alex looked at her and let out a, much needed, sigh.

"Lillian, what we were talking about earlier put us both in a weird mood. I don't know. I just wanted to make sure you are alright. I know you've been having a rough time, but talking about that kind of stuff freaks me out a bit, especially after all that has happened." He looked up at her to make sure she was listening. "Listen, if you need to talk I'm here, but don't say it if you don't mean it. Like I said before, you have to have the will to carry on."

"Alex," Lillian placed her hand on his shoulder, "I don't want it anymore." That was all she could say. Her word count had ran out, and she, luckily, didn't need to say anything more. It was clear to Alex now exactly how she felt and with that, she walked past Alex and into the restaurant, leaving Alex behind.

Lillian walked past the line of people waiting to eat and the employees and made her way through the restaurant. Landon had always requested the same spot, and today was no different. Landon, Lucas, and Emily all sat at a round table, waiting for the two younger mates to join them. Lillian quickly spotted Landon and navigated through the surrounding tables to get to them. Landon's stature was very unique, compared to most, and it would have been impossible to miss him. He had broad shoulders, long arms and legs, an athletic physique, but he managed not to look like a muscle man. His soft auburn hair and green eyes gave his face a slight charm that made he look harmless.

"Lillian," Lucas said with wave of relief, "we were beginning to think you two weren't going to make it." Lucas stood from his seat to give his younger sister a hug, but Lillian scooted away from him. She had never been one for proper cuddles or warming touches. She only ever enjoyed them from Lakota and on special occasion, but she couldn't stand them now.

"Where is your partner in crime anyways," Emily asked. Lillian pointed behind her, knowing Alex would be hot on her trail. She took a seat next to Lucas, deciding that would be the safest choice. "Oh, lovely for you to join us," Emily teased Alex as he strolled past her.

"You as well, Emily. I was sure that you and Landon would be shacked up by now." Alex's witty comeback provoked a giggle to escape from everyone's mouths, except for Landon. Not because he didn't find it funny, but because he hadn't heard it. Landon's attention was completely focused on Lillian.

"What have you done to your hair," Landon finally asked, still staring at Lillian. Lillian quickly gasped and began to fiddle with the ends of her hair. She had forgotten about the dye Lucas had allowed her to get a while back.

"I took her to the salon to give it an ombred look. Lucas and I thought it would be alright since it was only the ends." Emily spoke up for Lillian, knowing Lillian wouldn't do it herself.

"Well, she knows mum said she isn't allowed to dye her hair until she is 18. Mum adored your hair, Lilly. She would be very disappointed in you." Landon's eyes still hadn't left Lillian.

"Sorry," Lillian said in an, almost, whisper. "I'll dye it back." Lillian looked down at her lap, feeling ashamed and completely horrified.

"No, don't bother with it. The damage has already been done," Landon said in a disgusted tone. Then that was the end of the converstion. Landon quickly changed the subject without a smidge of regret.

That was the way he always was. He would bring up a flaw of Lillian's, or something she had done that he felt was wrong, and he would make me her feel completely worthless. He would scold her for it and embarass her, and then simply move on. He would do it in such a casual way that it filled the air with a grimy tension. He knew exactly how to push her buttons, and he did it as much as he could. Landon plainly didn't care and he didn't plan on apologizing for it.

Lillian sat quietly, looking into her lap, and cursed herself for wanting to get her hair dyed in the first place. She pulled at her hair and examined it closely and determined it wasn't worth it. She knew that her mother wouldn't approve, but thought that the rule was no longer valid. She felt outrageously ill thinking about the whole incident.

"And what would you like Ms." the waiter asked, pulling Lillian's attention up to him. She felt her heart begin to race as she tried to get the words out. It was happening once again, her brain and her mouth suddenly were missing the connection. It felt as if her throat was beginning to close.

Emily quickly noticed the issue and waved the waiter over to her, to save Lillian from any further embarrassment. She gave the waiter Lillian's usual order, and then proceeded to give him hers. The small deed was just that, small. However, Landon would see it otherwise.

"Alright, I'll be right out with all of that," the waiter said and walked away into the main part of the restaurant. Lillian gave Emily a look of thanks, beginning to calm herself.

"No problem kid-o," Emily said in response to Lillian's look, resting a hand on Lillian's shoulder.

"Emily, I wasn't aware Lillian couldn't speak for herself," Landon asked her, hostility in his voice, as he looked in Lillian's direction. Lillian began to sink into her seat a little, feeling her self-esteem shrink.

"Oh come on Landon, we all know Lilly's a shy one, always has been." Lucas spoke up for his sister. This came as a shock to everyone, considering it was out of his character.

"Luke, don't," Lillian whispered. She knew he was only adding to the problem instead of helping.

"Luke, mind your own," Landon said in a hard, stren tone.

Lucas' hands began to ball into fists as Lillian placed a hand on his forearm. Lillian's tender touch quickly reminded him that there was hardly anything he could do. He too began to feel helpless.

"Now that's enough," Emily said. "Landon, you just came back into town, and we wanted to have a nice meal, but you are ruining it. You've been picking on Lillian all night, and that's simply isn't fair to her. Besides, wasn't it you who was scolding about how your mother wouldn't approve. You and I both know that she would not appreciate your behavior tonight."

Emily's outburt had silenced the table. The evening was soon leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouths and causing them to loose their appetite. The night was ruined, but it had, also, barley even begun.

"I think we're all over this dinner right about now, yeah," Emily asked, feeling disgusted. "Alex, why don't you and Lillian go down to the ice cream parlor and Lucas go get the cars, while I have a bit of a chat with Landon." Emily gave out orders and dismissed the table. That had always been her role in the group, the leader and mediator.

Lucas and Alex stood from their seats and quickly made their way towards the exit. Lillian stayed seated, unsure how she felt about the whole thing. It wasn't irregular for something like this to happen, but she longed for something that felt normal.

"Lillian, sweetheart, are you okay," Emily asked, placing a hand on top of Lillian's. "Lillian please answer me, are you okay," she asked again, but Lillian's stare continued to stay blank and her lips refused to part. "Well, go ahead then. Alex is waiting for you." Her tone sounded defeated and small for the first time in her life. Emily had always been strong, but seeing Lillian like this broke her heart.

Lillian stood and scurried throught the restaurant to meet up with Alex. He stood outside of the restaurant doors, waiting. Alex gave Lillian a look of sympathy, but she pretended not to see. She didn't want to feel sorry for herself. She felt as if it was her fault things weren't so great.

"Come on Lilly," Alex said kindly as he took her hand. Lillian hesitated, but let it happen anyways. They walked hand-in-hand down the street to the local ice cream shop. Alex picked a spot in a booth near a window, so they could see when Landon and Emily came out.

"Sit, I'll go get the ice cream, okay," he said, giving Lillian a warm smile. She returned the favor and then he went to go order their ice cream, knowing better than to wait for a response.

Lillian began to look out the window, becoming ingulfed in her own thoughts. Her thoughts brought back painful memories. It hurt to breath, it hurt to sit, it hurt every where. She would be in the same situation with Landon soon after their get home, but this time she wasn't afraid. Whatever she had coming to her was simply topical. What she planned for herself would be eternal.

She couldn't remember how or when she had started to feel this way, but one day it didn't matter as much to her. Her entire life she'd been ignored or dislike, but that was with anyone. At least she had a family to fall back on, but she was too naieve to realize her family wasn't a true family. After Lakota died she thought she would still have her family, but it became quite clear to her that it was all a lie. She also realized that life isn't fair. She decided that Lakota deserved to live, and fate took the wrong person. She didn't need attention. She didn't need hugs. All she wanted was a simple "I love you" or "I'm glad you're here," but that never seemed to be the case.

"Are you alright," Alex said, sliding into the seat in front of her. He slid an ice cream dish over to her and hoped for a respone, but got nothing.

She hadn't noticed that there were tears rolling down her cheeks. She bit her lip. She wanted to say something, but didn't know how. She quickly wiped her tears.

"Listen I know that we've fallen out a bit, but I'm always here. I know how your family life is right now and if you ever need to--."

"Stop," Lillian finally said, cutting Alex off. She started the tedious countdown in her head, 22 more words left. Alex just stopped to look at her, confusion all over his face. "I know what's going on and you know what's going on, there's nothing to discuss," she said as she put her spoon in her ice cream; 7 word left.

"I just wanted to let you know that I've missed you and that I still care about you. I just hope you plan on being here. You're my best friend, mate," he said, touching her hand. They suddenly grew silent. "What did you already get to zero," he asked with a smile.

"No," Lillian said putting on a smile, but all she could think about was how much I didn't want to be there.

***

"Any ideas," Alex asked Lillian. Shook her head, a little frightened by the sight.

The paparazzi had discovered that Landon was back in town, and they couldn't wait to snap a few pictures. Lillian could see them crowding around Emily and Landon who were trying to make it out to the carpark. She soon felt ill, knowing her and Alex would soon have the same fate.

"Just go," Lillian said, pushing Alex a little. She could have tried to mentally prepare herself, but it would be useless. There was no way of getting used to such a thing.

"Alex are you and Lilly dating!" "Over here lovebirds!" "Is 'Ally' official?!" "Why don't you kiss for the camera!" Lillian was disgusted by this. She understand how they could follow Landon and Emily, but bothering her and Alex didn't seem quite right. She couldn't fathom the thought of someone wanting a picture of her. She thought it was mad because she didn't find herself all that interesting.

Alex gripped Lillian's body and pulled her close. He sheilded her face as she burried it into his chest. The pair pushed pasted the aggressive group until they made it to the distant carpark.

"Alex, Lucas will take you and Emily home," Landon called to them as they got closer. "I want to have a talk with my sister if you don't mind."

"Bye Lilly," Alex said, concern in his eyes. Alex let go of Lillian and gave her a quick smile before heading off to Lucas' car. She waved and watched as they pulled off.

"Get in," Landon comanded as he slid into the drivers seat. Lillian obeyed and seated herself into the passenger's side. She buckeled her seat belt and waited. They sat quietly for most of the ride. It wasn't until Landon pulled into their driveway did he start to speak.

"Hey Lilly," he said, looking over to Lillian. "I'm sorry, I really went too far today. Emily helped me see how wrong I was. You know how I get when I'm stressed out and angry," he said kindly, but Lillian didn't care. She had gone through the same process with him numerous times.

"Whatever." She was bold in tone, though it was quiet. She began to shake with anger, fed up with it all. Lillian had already made up her mind. It was going to happen tonight, or it wasn't going to happen at all.

"Excuse me," Landon asked, raising an eyebrow, defensively.

"I get it, you're your father's son," she started. Fifteen words left, she thought to herself. "Your apologies mean almost nothing," was all she could say. Her anger began to ooze out of her like lava from a volcano, and she began to shut down too quickly.

"Why must you make it so hard to apologize," he asked, putting his head down and rubbing the back of his neck.

Lillian's head began to spin with all of her thoughts and emotions, and her chest began to ache. It soon was hard to breathe, and she could barely see straight. She needed to get the farthest away from him and end this, now. She pushed the car door open and started to sprint.

"Lillian, get your ass back here!" Landon shouted after her, but she didn't care. She had already planned it all out in her head. She ran as fast as she could until she reached the school grounds. She wasn't sure why she had picked the school, but that was the only place that seemed right.

She let out a cool deep breathe and walked straight through the doors with unexpected ease. She had expected them to be locked, but didn't stop to question it.

She made it a point to take in her surroundings as she walked up to the roof. She wanted her last few moments to be peaceful and somewhat rememberable.

The air was frigid on the roof. The wind blew in different directions and caused her to shiver. The pitch black sky fell as a blanket over the quiet town, only a few street lights to break the darkness. Lillian soon found herself looking off the edge of the couple story building. Though it wasn't a high-rise, it was still a long way down. She sighed and figured it was too late to rethink her plan.

She hesitated as she put her leg over the ledge. A shiver ran up her spine as it all became real to her. She soon put her other leg over and let out a shaky breath just before she closed her eyes. Lillian was about to push off from the building when a pair of strong arms tangled themselves around her.

"Be careful love, you almost fell off." The loveliest voice spoke out to her. She quickly opened her eyes to see no other than, Harry. He then put her down, far from the edge before he spoke again. "I know it's hard not to get lost in thought up here, but you've got to be careful. If I wasn't here, that could have ended terribly. You gave me a fright," the boy said tenderly.

"Harry," Lillian whispered in a mumbled tone. She was shocked, but also slightly thankful. She might not have acknowledged it then, but Harry Styles, the boy on the balcony, had saved her from making the biggest mistake of her life.