All the Things She Said

Another gloomy day had hit the countryside of England. The dark sky stood as an ominous sign or an ironic foreshadowing that seemed to end badly. Lillian sat alone in her room on that Saturday morning, avoiding her impending fate. Lucas had left earlier that morning, heading out for a class at uni.

A few days had passed since Lillian had spoken to Harry. She only felt it right to keep her distance from him. She knew Landon had already figured out where she had run off to those few nights ago and didn't want to cause any more damage. She knew Landon's game and that he was simply waiting for the proper time. To be honest, she wasn't scared for herself, but for Harry. She knew her brother, and she feared that Landon would get lost in a spout of rage.

"Lillian, come downstairs. I need to have a word with you." Landon poked his head into Lillian's room and spoke in a calm matter. To anyone else, it would have sounded normal, but to Lillian it was the sound of pure evil. "Please hurry," he added before closing the door shut.

Lillian waited until she knew Landon was downstairs before deciding to move. She took her time walking down the long hallways and slowed her pace even more while ascending from the staircase. The staircase lead into the foyer. Lillian took time to admire the hardwood flooring and antique finishes that she had seen a million times, stalling. Eventually, she realized that there was no getting around what was to come. She strutted down a short hallway and into the family room. Landon sat on the far end of the room. Once he had spotted her, he stood.

"Sit," he instructed.

Lillian tried to keep her cool and strolled to the seat Landon once sat in. She tried her very hardest to not let it show how terrified she was, but she knew what was coming. A few stray tears escaped from her eyes as her heart rate went through the roof. Landon had began to pace the room, but stopped as soon as he noticed her tear tracks.

"I don't even know why you're crying. I haven't even hit you yet," he said coldly and began to pace again. He continued to do so, mumbling to himself, for a few more minutes before he broke the silence. "Lillian, just answer one question for me, what the hell is wrong with you," he asked. He stopped his pacing so that he was standing over her.

Lillian looked into his cold eyes and found herself at a lost for words, like always. "Well," he said, waiting for her answer. All she could do was shrug her shoulders, hoping that it was an acceptable answer. The look on his face soon made it clear that it was in fact the wrong answer. The room grew silent once more.

"You know Lillian, any other girl would be excited to come live with her brothers. I can't understand why you can't at least pretend you are happy. I don't understand why you have to be such an ungrateful bitch," he said bluntly. The tone of his voice became so calm that it was chilling. He ran his long fingers through his brown hair that sat messily on top of his head.

"Well, would you care to explain to me where you were Tuesday night? Where it is you ran off to?" He questioned her again, knowing she most likely wouldn't respond. "I mean I already know, but I want you to tell me just so that I know we're both caught up to speed."

Lillian shivered a little but remained silent, knowing that if she spoke it would only make things worse. Landon had moved away from her. He now sat parallel to her on the other side of the room. He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for an answer.

"You were off with that boy who lives next door weren't you? At your school? In his bedroom?" Landon raised an eyebrow in a sarcastic kind of way. A smile poured over his face in astonishment. "His mother, Anne, called me to inform me of your whereabouts. I am not pleased, Lillian. I really am not."

Lillian's eyes went wide. She hadn't even thought that Landon was close to knowing about where she had been. She felt so stupid for putting herself into this position. She put her head in her hands and shook with fear.

"Are you understanding what I'm try to say, or is this going in one ear and out the other," Landon asked. His voice grew with rage."Lillian Madison McFierce, are you listening to me," he asked again in a more strict voice.

Lillian's head shot up and under her breath she mumble, "You aren't my father." She slightly rolled her eyes in the process. She hadn't been thinking and her emotions had gotten the best of her. It wasn't until Landon began to walk over to her that she had noticed what she had done.

"Excuse me? What did you say," he asked, cocking an eyebrow. Lillian could tell by how he looked at her that he knew exactly what she had said. "I'm sorry could you just repeat it one more time, I couldn't hear you," he said. Lillian bit her lip to avoid anymore trouble.

"The one time she talks to me, she gives me sass. If I were you I would have just stayed quiet," he said as he quickly slapped her across the face. His ring scratched her face and left a red mark.

"Sorry," was all she could manage through her sobs.

"You think you're sorry now? I'll show you sorry," he said, towering over her.

Lillian closed her eyes shut and bit her lip to keep from screaming.The only words that replayed in her head was the prayer Lakota use to say over her from time to time for protection. "The light of God surrounds us, The love of God enfolds us, The power of God protects us, The presence of God watches over us, Wherever we are, God is, And where God is, all is well."

~~~

"Go to your room and stay there," Landon barked in Lillian's direction.

Lillian nodded and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. She took a few seconds to collect herself before standing. As she stood, it felt like every bone in her body had cracked. A sharp inhale fell from her, stopping in her tracks. She could feel Landon's cold stare on her back, so she had no choice but to walk through the pain. She made it up the stairs and into her bedroom, collapsing onto the bed.

The pain radiated from the inside out and paralyzed her. Lillian hopelessly prayed to God that He would give her her family back. She wanted Lakota and her mother the most. She prayed to be with them and to be given the ultimate sense of peace, but it never came. The time passed, but seemed to be dragged out longer than it should have been.

A quite knock had fallen from, what she thought was, her bedroom door, but Lillian remained silent, scared it would be Landon. She stared at the door, waiting for the guest to walk in, but they never did. The same muffled knock alarmed again, but this time it seemed to be coming from her balcony doors. Lillian squinted at the doors, unsure if she should open it or not.

"Lillybeth, it's me, Harry." His thick accent resonated throughout her bedroom. She shook her head with annoyance. She forced herself to get out of her bed, letting out an ungodly sound, and made her way towards the French-styled, double doors. She pushed them open, and there he stood.

"I can't see you anymore," was the first thing to come out of Lillian's mouth. She stood in the door frame, blocking his entrance, and waited for him to say something.

He looked at her and then looked down at his school books. Lillian followed his eyes, knowing what was coming next. "Lillybeth, stop with all of this nonsense and help me with my maths homework," was all that fell from his lips.

"Did you hear what I said," Lillian said. She bit the inside of her mouth, hoping that was as far as the conversation would go.

This time Harry rolled his eyes, but in more of a playful manor. He huffed and he puffed, expelling air in the most noisy fashion.

"Lillybeth, of course I heard you, and I've noticed the way you've been avoiding me as well. We've only just met, and I'm afraid you haven't seen me at my absolute best quite yet. In my eyes, your allowed to stop seeing me after we've established a proper friendship," he joked about.

Lillian gave him a serious look, placing a hand to her temples, and tried to hide a smile. She had never met a boy quite like him. She had never met someone who could be so daringly annoying, but still put a smile on her face. He was simply charming.

"Come back later," Lillian mumbled, still holding the inside of her cheeks between her teeth.

"Sorry," Harry asked. He leaned in, so he could hear her better. His eyebrows furrowed, and he tilted his head so that one ear was closer to her.

"My brother isn't happy with me, come back later," she repeated. She hadn't realized that she had been counting her words, but she could feel herself grow uncomfortable. She had reached 23 and couldn't bring herself to say anymore.

Harry looked down at her and smiled. He wanted to question her, but he knew that she wouldn't answer. He nodded his head, and turned.

"I'll be round in about an hour and a half," he spoke from over his shoulder. Without waiting for an answer, he threw his books over to his side and began to climb through the large tree. Lillian watched him until Harry was inside of his own bedroom. She then turned herself, returning to her own bedroom. She hadn't made it to her bed before another knock came from her actual bedroom door.

"Lillian," Lucas' humble voice rang throughout the room. He popped his head through the door, his eyes glistening with endless hope. "May I," he asked. Lillian nodded her head, situating herself on her bed. Lucas glumly walked over to her, taking a seat next to her.

"I think Landon's going to be going off with Emily soon. He might be spending a couple of days with her out in the city." Lucas spoke of the news in a neutral tone. Lillian nodded, as though she had been asked a question.

They didn't speak for several moments. They both knew what they wanted to say, but continued to avoid it. It somehow seemed too taboo to bring up the subject specifically.

"I think Alex will be round later on today when Emily comes. Are you guys doing better now?" It had been a known fact that Alex and Lillian had had a bit of a falling out, but not due to Alex. Lillian had been the one who was constantly blowing Alex off solely because she couldn't bare getting out of bed. Alex had taken it a bit too personally, but would never bring the matter up.

Lillian nodded her head "yes". She was quick and short with Lucas. She was tired of avoiding the, so called "touchy", subject. In her mind, it made no sense to beat around the bush. They both obviously knew what was going on. She saw no need for them to hide it from each other.

"I'm okay, you know? You could just ask." Lillian spoke bluntly. She was now laying across her bed which caused her shirt to lift slightly, exposing a fresh, darkening bruise.

"My god, Lillian," Lucas gasped. "He didn't." He shook his head, knowing that Lucas had hurt their little sister again. He shouldn't have been so shocked, but he had managed to be completely dumbfounded. It was a lot easier for him to ignore the verbal abuse, but Landon's physical brutality was difficult not to take notice to when the evidence laid grotesquely on Lillian's body.

"You aren't okay. This isn't okay." Lucas closed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Then do something about it. Fucking do something about it, Lucas." Lillian's voice rose louder than it had in a long time. The gravity in her voice shocked the both of them.

Lillian quickly covered her mouth and shook her head. She bit down on her lip and closed her eyes.

"Lillian--." Lucas spoke out, but quickly stopped, not knowing what to say.

"No," she held up a hand in protest. "I'm sorry." She spoke in an soft whisper this time. The complete contrast in her tone made the air turn harsh.

Lillian knew she couldn't ask too much of Lucas. She knew that, even though he was the older brother, she had to be strong for him. She needed to pretend that it didn't matter. She knew that Lucas was no Lakota, and she needed to be her own hero.

An awkward tension filled the room and made the air become heavy. The atmosphere grew to be so thick that the two felt as if they were gasping for air. The uncomfortable feeling centered around the fact that they couldn't decide what the elephant in the room truly was. Was it that Lillian had shouted or that was she said held an immense truth?

The doorbell began to ring, pulling the two siblings back into reality. Lucas stood from Lillian's bed, running a hand through his hair.

"I bet that's Emily and Alex." He walked towards the door with a bit of animosity. "You should come say hello. Staying in this room all day won't do you any good." His small piece of "knowledge" made him smile. He began to push the recent events from his mind, feeling more like himself.

Lillian found it disheartening how quickly he could move on. She was confused on how he could feel so passionately about how wrong the way they were living was, but still not make too much of an effort to do anything about it.

A hasty breath escaped her lips, and she forced herself from her bed. With her body still a tad sore, she slowly strolled through her house. She walked down all of the hallways and counted each and every step that was placed within the home. She couldn't figure out how the same place could hold, at the same time, good and bad memories. She thought about this often and yet, she still didn't have answer.

"Lillian?" Alex's voice shook Lillian from her thoughts. "What on earth are you doing," he asked with a laugh. Her dazed state made her appear batty. Lillian smiled at him, shrugging her shoulders. This had been the truth. She hadn't the slightest idea what she was doing. It had been something she had done for the longest. She would wander the halls, lost in deep thought, but she never had a reason for it. It was just something she did.

"You look absolutely mad," he chuckled to himself again. "Are you alright?" He nudged her slightly, starting to walk towards the commotion coming from the other room. Lillian ignored the question, not wanting to have to lie to him again. She simply followed suit, walking closely behind him.

Emily and Landon sat on one end of the room, having a hushed conversation, whilst Lucas sat on the other, watching football on the telly. He was yelling at one of the footballers for missing an opportunity to make a goal. Alex darted from Lillian's side to join in with the shouting. In that moment, Lillian felt a twinge in her heart. Everything stopped for a moment, and she caught a glimpse of what her old life was like when they came to visit England.

She envisioned Lucas and her father sitting on the sofa watching the game, happily shouting and cursing the players. Landon and Emily would sit curled up on a love seat together, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ear. They had always been glued to the hip, stating they were "just friends", but everyone knew otherwise. Alex and Lillian would always sneak off on their own to head to the neighborhood park. Then when it got late, they would head back inside where they would find Lakota playing the role of piece maker whilst Lillian's mother would be in the kitchen baking or finishing up supper.

The thought made her smile, but her smile quickly turned into a sour frown. Her memories were solely that, memories. They were distant moments that she knew she would never have back. Lillian hung her head in dismay, turning from the scene.

Lillian walked into the kitchen, clutching her chest. She was finding it hard to breathe and becoming light headed. She was on the verge of a panic attack, and she could feel the tears filling the rims of her eyes. The sudden feeling of panic had been provoked by her own thoughts and it made her weak. She had remembered this feeling well, but it hadn't been this strong in a long time. This feeling had been worse than being broken. It was the feeling of dying without being released from your misery.

She sat on the cold tile that made up the kitchen flooring, trying to get her breathing back to normal. She didn't want to draw any attention to herself. However, her loud gasps had alarmed the people in the other room. Lillian put her head in her hands, knowing what was to come.

"Lilly, sweetheart, are you alright?" Emily stood in front of her. Alex, Lucas, and Landon stood on the other side of the kitchen, near the entrance. Lillian shook her head vigorously, trying to get everyone to leave her alone.

"Honey, you need to be truthful and tell me what's wrong." Emily kneeled down so that she was level with Lillian. She tore Lillian's hands from her face to look into her eyes.

Lillian began to shake her head from side to side. She knew that her small thought of Lakota and her mother had triggered something from inside of her. She was freaking out over something so small.

Lillian moved her lips, but the sound wouldn't come out. She froze and became completely mute. The only sound coming from her mouth were heavy gasps for air. She was hesitant to calm down, filled with so much emotion.

Emily had seen this before in the poor girl, they all had. Emily was slightly frightened, but didn't let on that fear had stuck her. She took charge and ordered Alex to help Lillian into a chair and give her a paper sack to breathe into, while Lucas was to make her a cuppa to possibly calm her down. She then lead Landon into the hallway, away from everyone else.

"What the hell was that," Landon asked in astonishment.

"That was a full blown panic attack," Emily yelled at him. "Landon, this is happening again?" She questioned him, raising an eyebrow to him. "This isn't normal for such a young girl to have so much anxiety. You need to get her some help."

"That was never my area of expertise. My mother always sorted her out. It truly isn't my problem to deal with." Landon spoke coldly. "It isn't my fault she's been a complete nutter since our family fell apart. As far as I'm concerned, it's all her fault."

"Oh, stop acting like you don't care about her. She is your only sister, and God knows that you would die for that girl." Emily continued to yell at Landon. "Her selective mutism is because of you. You've made up some mad story in your mind that somehow connects her to all the evil in your life, but the evil lies within you. You're just bitter because she pushed you away, and you've blamed her for everything that has gone wrong in your life. Well, news flash, she did that to all of us, Landon. She just needed some time.

You're the only one she hasn't even made a small attempt to mend broken bridges with. You want to know why? It's because you treat her with so much disrespect and it's disgusting. To be honest, I have no idea why I even continue to associate myself with you. You're a low life scum who is blessed enough to have sister like her," Emily harshly whispered to him so the others wouldn't hear. She was filled with rage, but she didn't even know the extent of the truth she spoke. She had no idea of all that happened behind the closed doors of that house. She had no idea how much of a monster he had actually become.

Emily shook her head with disgust, walking away from him. Landon let out a breathy sigh, gently grabbing onto Emily's arm. He spun her around so that she was looking at him. He looked deep into her eyes, trying to convey that he was sorry.

"Look, you're right. I've been a jerk, but you shutting me out too isn't going to help me. I'm sorry, okay?" He was grooming her in the best way he knew how. He was playing to her emotions, pushing all of her buttons.

"Well, it isn't me you need to be apologetic towards." Emily pulled herself away from his grasp. "I'm going to go see if she's calmed down yet." Emily left Landon to think about what she had said, walking back into the kitchen.

Alex and Lillian both sat on stools around the kitchen island. Lillian's head laid on the island while Alex rubbed her back lightly, a look of worry painted across his face. Lucas leaned against the counter, waiting for the kettle to tell him when the tea would be ready. Emily walked over to Lucas, assuming the same position that he stood in.

"She isn't well," Emily whispered to Lucas.

"No one really is. We're all a bit dysfunctional," was all Lucas said just as the kettle began to whistle. He then turned away from Emily and gave his undivided attention to making the perfect brew.