Fall Apart

He sat in the bar, alone. Not alone in the sense that he was completely by himself, but rather he was waiting for the one person to show up that could make his night better. He had been in love for a while – with music and books and art and the idea of things, and maybe with a girl. He couldn’t put his finger on it. But he didn’t try. Instead of torturing himself with those thoughts, he would drink one beer after another and wait for hours, even though they hadn’t made any plans.

He didn’t want to pressure her by calling. He didn’t want to beg her to leave her boyfriend, who constantly put her in the worst situations. He told her what she needed to hear, and that was that. He wanted to be her best friend, the person she could turn to whenever she needed someone. And so far, he had proven to her that he was a constant for her to rely on.

“Did you two make plans tonight or something, man?” the bartender asked.

He pulled his eyes away from his beer. He hadn’t realized he was only staring at it. “Nah. I’m just here.”

The bartender gave him a pitiful look that said “you’ve got it bad” but he paid no mind to it. He wasn’t going to overcomplicate things, not with thoughts like those. Another beer was placed in front of him and that was the end of it.

He had been foolish in his days, but he had become determined to change. He would be better. He wouldn’t run around town chasing girls anymore. Well, not all the time, anyway. He wouldn’t smoke as much. Or drink as much. He’d party with his friends, but keep it tasteful. He started to grow up. His songs changed tones and he found himself yearning for something more than what he had been going after for so long.

“Fuck,” he cursed, anxiously running his hands through his messy brown hair. The bartender smirked at him. He pointed his finger at the bartender, “Don’t. Don’t you dare.”

“Just fucking call her up, man.”

He shook his head and gulped down the last of his beer. He ordered another and pulled out his phone. He had no new messages, or missed phone calls, or emails waiting to be read. For once, his phone lacked any sort of life. And although he would have killed to see her name show up, it almost felt like a relief that it hadn’t been there. She wasn’t thinking about him. After shoving the phone back into his pocket, he forced his brain to fall into silence so he wouldn’t be thinking of her, either.

Six beers later and he felt a presence beside him. He waited until they settled into the bar stool before he turned to look. His heart didn’t pulse rapidly and his stomach didn’t erupt with butterflies, but his blood shot eyes watered slightly and he felt his fist clench.

“What happened?” he asked, a rough edge to his voice. This made her cry harder. “Fucking hell. Come on.”

He left a few bills on the bar and gently grabbed her by the arm, helping her outside. They walked down the street, aimlessly, until she had calmed down and dried her cheeks. He held her hand, led her over to a park bench, and made her sit. She sniffled and continuously dried her tear-stained cheeks.

“Talk to me,” he said calmly.

Her watery blue eyes looked up at him and she tried to control her quivering lip. “I broke up with him.”

He nodded. It was a start. “Why are you so upset, baby?”

She covered her face with her hands, shaking her head. She spoke through her fingers, “I broke up with him. We were fighting all night and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I told him we’re done and that I’m over it and – and-”

He kneeled down in front of her. He gently removed her hands from her face and traced his thumbs along her cheekbones to dry her newly surfaced tears. “Slow down. Just breathe.”

She looked into his eyes and exhaled. She brushed the hair out of his eyes, placing a hand on his cheek. “When I left, I knew I’d be able to find you there.”

He smiled at her. He wasn’t going to let her know that he had been waiting for her all night long, or that he had been waiting for a moment like this to happen. He would let her talk, and cry, and he’d even let her get away with bad mouthing her boyfriend if she wanted to.

“Listen to me,” he said softly, catching her attention. “You two have been together forever, okay. He’s my best friend and I know that he loves you.”

She stubbornly shook her head. “He doesn’t anymore. He hasn’t for a while. It’s okay, though. Things change, right? People change, times change, circumstances change.”

Hearing this hurt him more than seeing her cry. He didn’t know what else to say, so he sat next to her on the bench. They sat in silence and watched as people walked by, minding their own business. Some were drunk, others high; some were sober and having fun, others were sober and taking care of the others. But none of them took the time to stop and look at the two.

“Jess, I want you to do something for me,” he said to her. She looked at him, but he didn’t return her stare. “When you go home, if he’s still there, you need to look him directly in the eye and say: I don’t deserve you.”

“What?” she squeaked.

“Just trust me. Say it to him in the sternest voice you can manage. Because you don’t deserve his shit. You don’t deserve him treating you like this.”

She continued to stare at him. Maybe he was crazy. And maybe he was doing this with bias on his mind. But he needed her to stay strong. He couldn’t allow for her to fall back into old habits just because it felt comfortable. It was unhealthy.

“Austin,” she said softly. Her voice commanded attention, although it remained sweet and even-tempered. He looked at her now. She had stopped crying and her eyes were starting to lighten again. She leaned forward and kissed him. “You’re the one I don’t deserve.”

He shook his head, “Don’t say that.”

She shrugged. “It’s true. You’ve been so nice to me and I’ve been consumed with everything else going on in my life. I don’t even ask how you’ve been anymore. I don’t deserve you being so loyal to me.”

He cupped her cheeks and pulled her lips to his. As he kissed her, he didn’t think about how this could be considered taking advantage of her. He thought about how her arms locked around his neck and she moved herself closer to his body. He thought about how their lips formed together. He thought about his feelings for her.

“Jessica, I’ve been waiting for this moment,” he confessed. “Not for you to break up with him, or to come to me crying your eyes out. But for this moment, where I finally admit my feelings to you. I’ve never felt this way about a girl before, and I can’t promise you anything spectacular, but I’ve felt myself changing. I’ve been trying to better myself.”

She sighed, a smile on her lips. “Austin, you don’t have to change for anyone. Especially not for me.”

He shook his head adamantly. “Do you remember the night we first met?”

She shrugged, “I suppose. At the bar, right?”

He chuckled. “Yeah, at the bar. You were crying – not like tonight, though – because there was a girl talking to the boy you had a crush on. Remember what I told you? I told you to say ‘fuck it!’ and walk right up to them. I told you to interrupt their conversation and introduce yourself to him, and fucking ask him to dinner, while she stood right there and watched.”

“Because life’s too short to be a coward,” she finished. “You were something special, even back then when I had no idea who you were.”

“And where did that get you?” he questioned.

She sighed, realizing where he had taken this conversation. “We dated, and he became my boyfriend, and we moved in together a year later. We spent four years together, happily. Until-”

He stopped her. “Don’t. When you took the chance, and put yourself out there, it gave you four years of happiness. When you listened to me, you were happy. What if we were together, Jess? How happy would you be, then? I know I’m nothing like him, but if you gave me a chance, I’d never do you wrong.”

“Austin, you’re my best friend..”

He nodded. “And I know you inside and out. I know what makes you upset and what songs you listen to in order to cheer yourself up. I know that you like to roll your windows down when you drive on the highway, even in the middle of summer when it feels like hell on earth. You eat chocolate for breakfast. You get drunk for no reason. You want dogs and you want babies and you want to grow up so fast, but you’re scared. And I’m always going to be the one that’s there for you, waiting for you to need me too.”

She smiled faintly. “I’ve needed you for a long time.”

“Jessica, I need you to be mine. I fucking need you,” he exhaled exasperatedly.

She laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him into her. She had forgotten just how drunk he was when she walked into the bar. “I’m yours, Austin. I’m all yours.”