Decimated Dreams

Mikey's P.O.V.-

Why do I always fuck things up? In this moment, I wish more than anything that I had just let Frank have the last word. I wish I'd let him to realize what he was doing on his own. I should have just let him walk away. I really fucked it up by simply mentioning the reason for not wanting to hurt Gerard's feelings. It was like a "heat of the moment" type of thing, which I always handle horribly (getting all emotional for instance). Yeah, I didn't just come out and say it or anything, but still. The specific reason, or reasons really, for protecting Gerard's feelings the way we do is honestly something we tried to block out of our minds. I mean, can you really blame Frank for forgetting? We try to just be wary of Gerard's emotions without questioning it, or even having reason for it. Damn, Frank's gonna feel like an asshole when and if he gets what I was talking about earlier. Well, I guess he is kind of an asshole. I still hate making him feel like one though.

All throughout history class I was over-focused on holding back the tears that always come with the memories. Merely memories of the past. Usually, something as general as the past in itself doesn't actually bring tears. But this isn't exactly a "usual" past. My past, and Gerard's alike, is a totally fucked up bastard. And I cry rather easily too. Judge me all you want, but you will never know how many times my emotions have been tortured and toyed with. Call me "emo" if you want to. Whatever tickles your fancy, bitch. But anyway, I'll fill you in on the back story and hopefully not cry too much.

A few years back, when Gerard was addicted to drugs and alcohol our grandmother died. She was the greatest inspiration to both me, and Gerard. When she died, Gerard sank into such depression that even I couldn't comfort him enough because I was faced with the same tragedy. Losing the person who you never even considered once living without is something very few could understand because few have that type of bond with someone. It's the biggest shock ever. Coming to a realization that the ones you love the most could die at any given time. Hell, Bob could die in the next five minutes. Everyone has to die sometime. And there's nothing at all that will keep it from happening. Not ever your unconditional love will save them when their time comes. And I think everyone, even though it is the most painful realization, has to realize this at some point.

It wasn't long after that when he started dating Frank. They didn't call it dating and still never do, but that's basically what it was. Of course two of our best friends just suddenly making out all the time was pretty insane for Ray, Bob, and I. And every time we'd all stay over at me and Gee's place when our parents were gone for the weekend or some shit they insisted on sleeping in the same bed, so we let them use my bed and the rest of us crashed in the living room or basement. It was all too weird. With the type of bond we all had, that was like incest. WE WERE ALLOWING FUCKING INCEST TO HAPPEN IN MY FUCKING BED. Well, sort of. That's what it feels like looking back on it now.

I don't really know exactly why they started dating. I guess Gerard needed comfort that no one but a boyfriend could bring. And he really trusted Frank to never hurt him like someone else would. And Gerard's had girlfriends before too. It's just that at the time every girl in Jersey was a fucking bitch and weren't into our "type" anyway. It was funny for a while though because we had always rumored that Frank and Gerard had a thing for each other, but never really expected it to be true. Anyway, Gerard eventually got back to his average controllable depression and the two went back to being best friends. I don't think Frank is fully over him though. He seems to be getting quite clingy lately.

I'm pretty glad we're not all of the same sexuality. This is because we're all single, and this is the only girl ever that hasn't retreated back to her preppy, popular friends as their jock boyfriends called us fags and chased us away within five minutes of us saying a word to or going anywhere near them. Sounds like a nice school reputation, doesn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so.

So about our sexuality, it's usually part of what scares people away. I'm gay, and don't give a fuck who knows it. Frank's bisexual. Ray and Bob are both straight. And Gerard's sexually confused. That's what we call it anyway. He just isn't really attracted to anyone. He told me it was because being with girls didn't feel quite right, but neither did being with Frank. He just waiting for the right person. But anyway, given that, I'm easily eliminated from liking her like that. Gerard, we're all aware of his feelings for this chick. You don't agree? Bitch, please. I'm pretty sure that incident in math today was not just well timed effects of being a dude who's hit puberty. Yeah, I know they happen randomly sometimes, but really? We should be excited! Gee actually likes someone! On the other hand, I don't have any clue what Frank thinks. He seems pretty interested, but more in a fascinated way, like for reasons other than those types of feelings. She's the type to make you think. And Ray and Bob haven't met her yet. But I'm pretty sure Ray is still upset over his last relationship with Alyssa, who we call "That pretty girl" 'cause really that's all she is. She's not really smart, funny, interesting. I don't know what exactly they really had, but apparently he misses having it.

The time of Gerard's addiction was harder than you could ever imagine. Sometimes he would just become so depressed and lock himself away in the basement with nothing but drugs, beer, his sketchbook/notebook, and a pencil. He'd stay down there for days on end while we'd all try desperately to get him out. The whole time I faced my own anxiety because I was so worried. I'd lay awake every night worrying about Gerard locked away in the dark. I thought he was going to kill himself. Every time he went down there, I'd hide away in my room crying in fear because I always thought to myself "This time, he's going to lose it. This time he's going to kill himself. And there's nothing I''ll be able to do." Most nights I would sit outside the door to the basement and listen for his footsteps coming my way. Occasionally I'd attempt to talk to him, or just whisper in hopes my words somehow echoed inside his head. When he would finally come out I'd hug him for what felt like eternities, not that I even cared. I was just happy to see my brother still alive. We've all buried those few years in the deepest, darkest pit of our minds. The spot where all your childhood nightmares go to slowly fade away. I don't think these types of mental scars go away though. It's these things that fuck you up forever.

We're so afraid of living like that again. Have been since we stopped. If Gerard becomes addicted again, I'll go insane. We all will because we know how bad things can get. We know how it is when he's so depressed and is always drunk and taking all those pills everyday. And we well know that what we've seen is far, far away from the worst that could happen. So Gee just has this imaginary "Handle With Care." label stuck securely on his back and only we can see it. It's right next to the imaginary "Not Appropriate For Ages 17 and Under." warning.

Anyway, Gerard's not the only one with issues. It's just that we're more careful with him because of, well, basically everything I just explained. That's kind of why we avoid people unless we can tell there might be a chance that they belong with us. You know, they're our "type", so to speak. That's how Gee and I found Frank, Ray, and Bob. And how can we tell these people apart from others you may ask? You can just feel it. Every time you see them, pass them in the hall, have any chance to say something to them and you don't, it feels like there was a chance you should have taken, but didn't. It's like a missed opportunity. It feels like some guy was just waving a million dollars around saying "Anybody want this?" and no one else was going for it, so it was all yours, and you just walked by like it wasn't there. And sometimes we're wrong, but we know it was worth a try.

Gerard recently became sober, but has nearly resorted back to drugs and alcohol many times. It's so stressful to live in constant fear like I do. And no one really notices it because I just hide it well. Do you even know how hard it is to sleep at night when you know just how fast you can be living your worst nightmare a second time? I actually hope that maybe someone can lead him far away into a new life. Far away from drugs and alcohol, to the point where he can never turn back to them. And I can't fight a smile thinking that this girl might just be that person. She may be a miracle in the form of a beautiful girl, who was created to reach out to the broken.

Hell, I don't know what she is, if anything. All I know for sure is that she's definitely not what only Gerard, Frank, Ray, Bob and I are. We've got a night life that no one has ever even dreamed of having. Mostly because they don't know about it. It's a gift and a curse. No, we are not vampires or werewolves. We aren't even a creature of the night at all. So what are we exactly? We're just us. It's not what we are, it's what we do.