Perfectly Dysfunctional

“Why in the fucking Hell do I need gauze over the jumped up fucking stitches anyway?” I mumbled into Nathan’s pillow and I felt his body shake above mine as he laughed.

“Language! And because otherwise people like Tom would just be able to rip the stitches out...”

“You mean people like you?” I mumbled again, referring to only a few minutes earlier when he’d removed the gauze and nearly pulled a stitch out. Needless to say it hurt like a bitch.

He leaned down so his mouth was near my ear, “That was one time.”

I tried not to shiver.

Nathan was straddling me as I lay face down on his bed. Nareesha had helped me change the gauze for the past five days but today she was out with Siva so Nathan was helping me this time. It was going better than I expected it to – I mean, he only nearly pulled out one stitch. When he finished he pulled my t-shirt back down then smacked my bum before laying down to my left, “Don’t touch me again.” I mumbled into the pillow again as I tried to hide my laughter.

“Or else...?” I heard the grin in his voice. When I didn’t answer him he smacked me again and I lifted my head and pushed on his shoulder.

“Don’t be a jackass!” I tried to act stern but failed as I let a smile play on my lips.

“You smiled, I win,” he smiled at me then moved so his elbow was propping his head up, so I copied his posture. It was silent for a few moments and I found myself thinking of Jay and how he was still in hospital. He’d woken up by now, thankfully, but he’d apparently have short-term memory loss for about a month. They’d kept him in for a week, and Tom and Max were going to get him and bring him back here so we could keep an eye on him until he was ready to move back into his own house and live alone. The fans all knew now, because Tom was a little special and posted it on twitter – Nareesha had something to say about that. I was brought out of my thoughts as Nathan reached out and traced the bags under my eyes then round the side of my face then sighed sadly, “What’s wrong Jenny?” I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. I knew he’d ask me this.

Everything that’s happened to us all in the past six months has been my fault.

“Nothing,” I shrugged and glanced down at the bedding.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said quietly and I sighed and turned to lie on my back as I glared at the ceiling.

People have nearly died because of me, Jay’s been in hospital for a week because of me, and there’s a hoard of fangirl’s on the hunt because of... well, Tom, actually...

“Seriously, nothing...”

“Jenny,” he sighed, frustrated this time.

“Fine, I’m just worried about Jay,” I half lied but he didn’t buy it.

“And the rest...” he pushed.

I rolled my eyes and stood up, “Nothing’s wrong with me, Nath,” I said and walked towards the door.

“Yeah?” he challenged.

“Yeah,” I spun around to face him as I yelled then opened his bedroom door.

“Then how come you’ve cried yourself to sleep every night since we got back from the hospital?” he rushed out before I could leave and I faltered. How could he even know about that?

“What?” I turned to face him again.

“You heard me,” he said and sat up on his bed.

“I- I...” I was at a loss for words and it took me a few minutes to settle on the right ones. I sighed, “All of this is my fault.”

Yes, those were my ‘right words’.

It was Nathan’s turn to roll his eyes, “Jenny, how many times do we need to go through this? It’s nothing to do with you!”

I cast my gaze to the floor, feeling stupid for voicing my feelings now that he was shouting about it, “It’s just how I feel,” I said quietly.

“Well stop feeling it!” he ran his hands through his hair.

“You can’t tell me what or how to feel!” I shouted as I became angrier.

“I can fucking try!” he stood up from the bed and made his way towards me, “Do you know how mad it makes me when you think all of this bullshit is your fault?” he leaned behind me and closed the door again.

“I can hazard a guess,” I muttered and he scoffed.

“Jenny, you’ve been letting this eat away at you for months now, and don’t even try to deny it, because it’s gotten to a point where you don’t know how to hide it anymore.” That hit a nerve. I’d always been pretty good at hiding my true feelings, and became an expert at it when my gran and mum died, so much so that I even managed to fool Emma into thinking I was okay, so to hear this from someone I’d known for all of six months stung to say the least. I backed up against the door as I let the shock of what he’d just said sink in, “It’s killing me to see you this way.”

“Shut up...” I mumbled as it sunk in a little more.

“What?”

“I said shut up...” I said a little louder and stared hard at the floor as tears sprung to my eyes.

“No, Jenny, you have to promise me that you’ll talk to one of us about how you’re feeling or... something!” he was clutching at straws here, and I never thought I’d say this, but I couldn’t stand to listen to Nathan Sykes’ voice any longer, he was just making me angry, “It’s not good to keep shit like that bottled up! I should know!”

“God, shut up, Nathan!” I yelled as I finally let the tears fall, and now they’d started, they weren’t going to stop. “You think I don’t know that too, Nathan?! You’re not the only one who’s been through a lot!” I felt bad for saying it, but it was the truth. He frowned at me and I thought it best not to start listing everything that could be counted as ‘going through a lot’, “You don’t need to tell me that I have to talk to people – because I already know. You don’t need to tell me that it’s not good to keep stuff bottled up – because I already know. You don’t need to tell me any of this shit, Nathan, because believe me, I already fucking know!” I was sobbing now and cut him off in a quieter voice when he went to speak, “And one thing I really didn’t need to hear was that you can read me like a fucking book,” I gulped as I breathed in and more tears fell harder, “Because being able to mask my emotions is the only thing I’ve felt good at in years, and... and that mask was the only one I had,” I broke down, not caring anymore.

I didn’t care when Nathan came over to me.

I didn’t care when he reached out to comfort me.

I didn’t care when he apologized to me over and over.

I didn’t even care that I saw tears in his eyes.

...And it took a while for me to start caring again. I pulled on the end of his t-shirt and wiped my eyes with it before standing up and heading to his en-suite. I splashed cold water on my face to stop it looking blotchy from my breakdown, managing to get the ends of my hair wet in the process but that was okay. I coughed a few times and decided that my face looked normal enough for me to return and talk to Nathan. I stood in the doorway and watched him as he wiped his eyes on the back of his hand, and that’s when I started to care. “I’m sorry, Nath,” I said, my voice hoarse from crying so hard.

“It’s fine,” he smiled at me then stood up as we both made our way over to his bed, “I’m not saying I didn’t deserve that, because I did... I’m sorry too.”

“I deserved it as well,” I smiled sadly and he shook his head.

“Only bits of it,” he smiled and I crawled over to him. He welcomed me with open arms and I wrapped my entire body around him. He laughed slightly and tipped backwards, pulling me on top of him. I giggled – ugh, yes, giggled – as I looked at him. He moved his right hand and tucked a stray curl behind my ear. My fringe fell into my left eye and I flicked it away with a slight movement of my head. He smiled infectiously up at me making me smile back, and as I did, something changed within me. I felt happier – a lot happier than I had the past week – I felt my blood pumping through my veins, I felt my heart beat up against my ribcage – Hell, I heard my heart beat up against my ribcage. He sat up again so his arms held me round my waist and he was a lot closer to me so I was able to hug him again. I felt happier when I was around him; he brightened up my days, even when I was arguing with him which seemed to be more frequently these days. He seemed to fill some sort of hole that I didn’t even know existed. My arms wrapped around his neck and I moved forward to rest my head on his shoulder but he moved his face in front of mine. I felt his breath on my face and now I could definitely hear my heart beating. I knew what was coming and didn’t want to stop it.

He leaned forward and touched his lips to mine, gently at first; a hurt boy helping a broken girl. He pulled back a little but I wasn’t ready to let him go. I kissed him again, this time a little more full-on, and I felt him smile slightly into the kiss. He picked me up and put me back down on the bed rather than his lap and he kneeled up straight, pulling my face up with him and never breaking contact. He leaned down onto me but I pushed back against him then he deepened the kiss making me moan. He laughed lightly and I smiled into the kiss as our tongues danced against each others. My hands stayed locked behind his neck, my fingers twirling the bottom of his hair occasionally, and his hands stayed locked on my waist after he’d finished pulling my face closer to his, and then suddenly-

“Honey I’m home!” Tom sung through the house. We both groaned and pulled apart breathless, gasping for air. Well it would be Tom.