If We Can't Break The Silence, How Can We Survive?

The night had been going great so far, and I still couldn’t get over the fact that Gerard and I held hands. I thought the whole writing on the napkin idea was adorable and considerate of him. I think I understood how much he really wanted to communicate with me. And now I knew that this was officially a date. Even though he had made it come off as a joke when he wrote it down, I could tell that he wasn’t joking by the way he had looked at me when he insisted on paying and saying that it was a date. I mean, there was a possibility that it still couldn't have been, but that didn't matter right now.

Gerard was different than I had expected him to be. I mean, I had observed him before and I knew he was different from his friends, but I didn't know he was like...this. Considerate and caring and just so...I don't know, charming?

We were almost at my house but then Gerard had turned the wrong way. I grabbed his arm to get his attention, pointing my finger in the direction of my house. He smiled and said he knew, and kept on driving. I guess we were going somewhere else then.

No one had ever been nice to me, let alone talked to me. No one gave a care, no one bothered. I was just another piece of furniture in a house (and at school). Why did Gerard bother? Why did he care? Why was he being nice? I didn't get it, but maybe there was nothing to get. He was just that type of guy; perfect.

I had gotten lost in thought ‘cause I found that the car was parked and Gerard was shaking my shoulder. I blinked and shook my head, then looked at Gerard.

“You okay there,” he asked while laughing. I smiled stupidly and shook it off. We both got out of the car and started walking through all these fucking trees. At the back of all these trees, was a lake down at the bottom of a big ass, steep hill.

I was walking way ahead of Gerard as we were going down the hill. I turned around to see how far behind he was, but he was just a a foot or two away from me. As I turned around, I stepped on a rock and somehow stumbled backwards. I almost fell, but Gerard came from behind me and put his arms around my torso, causing me to fall on him. You know how when something unexpected happens, like falling, and it scares the shit out of you and you get this weird feeling in your stomach and then you lose your breathe? Well I just went through that. I stayed in his arms for a while, taking a big, deep breath. Gerard laughed at me again for whoever knows how many times today, and asked me if I was alright. I didn’t answer ‘cause I couldn’t see him, so I just ignored him. No one had ever touched me the way Gerard was right now. I liked being in his arms, I felt safe. It felt right to be here, and also very awkward. Gerard didn’t seem to mind though, which took that awkwardness away. He let go and looked at me.

“Are you alright?” He asked me smiling. I blushed again at my klutziness. I nodded my head and mouthed the word thanks to him.

“Awe, it’s alright. You’re really clumsy aren’t you? Here, I’ll help you walk down there, this hill is really steep,” he said while getting behind me. He put his hands on my waist and pushed me forward so that I could start walking. When he did that, I felt my whole body tingle. Gerard being affectionate made my heart swell. Every time he had touched me today, I got this shock through out my body.. He had this weird affect on me that I had never gotten from anyone or anything. I liked the way it felt though. I liked how he touched me the way boys weren’t supposed to touch other boys if they were straight. If, they were straight.

I felt Gerard’s hands move off my waist and realized that we had made it down the hill. He went near the water and laid down on the grass with both his hands underneath his head. He looked at me and waved his hand, telling me to go and join him. I walked over to him and positioned myself exactly the way he was, lying on the left of him.

“The stars are out tonight,” he said in a gentle voice. I hadn’t seen the sky during night time since some years ago with my dad. He had bought me a telescope for my eighth birthday and every night we’d go out and look at the stars. That was probably the only reason why I ever went outside at night time. A couple of years later, it broke and I didn’t go out much since that happened. Now, I just don’t go out at all, so this felt like something new. The colors of the sky with the stars scattered across made everything perfect. I wasn't really a fan of dark colors, but the gray and charcoal pigments of the sky seamed so beautiful at the moment. I made a mental note to look at the sky more often.

A lot of what Gerard and I did tonight reminded me of my father, he was bringing back so many memories that we had shared together when I was young. Even though Gerard hadn’t done that intentionally, I had appreciated him even more for it. It’s like he already knew about my past and I didn’t even have to tell him anything. It was…weird and amazing at the same time.

“It’s beautiful…,” Gerard said out of no where. “It reminds me of when I was younger; when my little brother was still around." He chuckled. "God I haven't seen him in like...a year or so I think. I miss that little guy." Although Gerard had laughed, there was something in his voice that sounded kind of sad.

"He was my right hand man you know. We did everything together. We were always there for each other, had each other's back and shit.

“He was just trying to protect me…he didn’t want it to happen again. He was so furious, he didn’t know what to do about him. I told him it was okay, that it wasn’t a big deal, and when I said that, he flipped out on me. He was bawling when I told him what happened. He couldn’t believe that it happened to me. He didn’t think that it ever would. He said he did a bad job at protecting me and that he was a failure. I told him that it wasn’t his job, that it was mine to protect him. He said that I was his brother and that rule still occurred either way. He was only eleven, he wasn’t old enough to protect or look after me. He said for me not to worry and that he would fix everything. I had no idea what he meant by that ‘cause there was no way how you could fix what happened to me. I didn’t question him though, I just ignored it. I…I didn’t think he was gonna go that far…I had no…I didn’t…he wouldn’t do that. At least I never thought he would. My sweet, caring, little innocent Mikey…killing someone. Murdering…he’s a murderer now…you know how fucked up it is to be labeled a murderer? My own little brother to be classified as one…it hurts, so fucking much. It was four years ago when it happened. We were gonna go to the park to play some basketball. I was calling his name out but he answered. I couldn’t find him anywhere around the house. I was looking outside in our back and front yard, when I heard the man from next door scream. I’ve never heard someone scream in such agony before. The first thought that came to my head was Mikey. Mikey was probably in there paying that man back for what he did. I had no idea what he could have been doing, but I knew it wasn’t safe for Mikey to be over there, so I ran straight into my neighbors house. My first instinct was to check in the check in the kitchen so I did. And that’s where they were…he was in a pool of his own blood with Mikey straddling him, a knife in his hands. Mikey had stabbed him to death. I didn’t know what to do…I didn’t know if what I saw was real. I…Mikey was in shock. I still remember what his face looked like. He hadn’t blinked for the longest time, his mouth was wide open. He was shaking violently and tears were streaming down his face. I couldn’t take what I had seen so I fainted. I woke up in the hospital with my parents and the doctors surrounding me. My mom was crying and my dad was just…he was emotionless. Like he didn’t even know what to think about it either. Later they had told me that they had sent him to the institution. I lost it then, I couldn’t calm down. After that, the police had interrogated me. They asked me if I knew why my brother would have done that. I told them why and they understood. They were going to send Mikey to jail when he turned seventeen, but after they found out why he killed our neighbor, they decided to just keep him in there until he became better. I visit him every now and then, not that much though. He’s not the same person…it’s like he’s just there and not alive. He might as well be dead in the brain. He looks so fucking miserable being in that shit hole, and every time I see him in there it tears me apart. That’s why I don’t see him often…I can’t stand to see him that way…”

I turned my head to look at Gerard and I saw that he was crying. He was making little sobbing noises and sniffing a lot. He turned his head and saw that I was looking at him, and he immediately wiped his face. I sat up and looked down at him, pulling a confused look. He shook his head and smiled, trying to hide up the evidence of him crying. I looked at him for a while and saw that he still had a couple of tears streaking down his face. I brought my left hand up to his face and planted it on his cheek. I threw him a tiny, slanted smile and wiped his tears away with my thumb. I brought my other hand up to wipe the other side off and he grinned. I started caressing his face softly and slowly, not even knowing when to stop. I had no idea where I had gotten the courage to do that, and I surprised myself a bit. He then closed his eyes and sighed contentedly, with that smile still on his face. I kept doing that for a little while and then stopped, laying back down next to him, but closer. I was going to snuggle up to his side, but decided on resting my head on his chest instead, still not knowing why the fuck I was doing that or how I was even brave enough to. I didn’t want to freak him out, but after I felt his left hand thread through my hair, I relaxed. He started messaging my scalp, running his fingers back and forth through my hair. I definitely loved the way this felt. It was calming and welcoming and…it felt right. Right as in I don’t know what way, but it just did. It was comfortable, and I felt comfortable with him doing that. I draped my hand over his stomach and started rubbing his ribs with my thumbs. He was the one that needed to be comforted, so I tried my best to do that. I’ve never been in a situation where I had to comfort someone else, so I was hoping that what I was doing was okay.

“You make me wonder Iero,” Gerard chuckled. "So do you," I thought. I smiled after he said that and turned my attention to the sky instead of where I was rubbing him. Out of no where, a shooting start flew by. It amazed the shit out of me ‘cause I had never seen one, and I can tell it amazed Gerard too. I sat up and looked at Gerard with a goofy look of excitement on my face.

“Holy shit did you see that!? That was insane! Oh wow...” Gerard cried out in amazement. I laughed silently at his expression, he was a hell of a lot more excited than I was. We were both wearing insanely huge grins on our faces ‘cause that was probably the most amazing thing we had ever seen. Gerard sat up and looked me in the eye.

“Make a wish,” he whispered. I smiled and closed my eyes, thinking of a wish. I had made one and said it in my head. I opened my eyes to see that Gerard had his closed, probably making a wish as well. He opened his eyes to see me smiling ear to ear, counteracting as him doing the same thing. His phone then rang and he fetched it out of his pockets. I’m assuming that he had gotten a text message, seeing as he wasn’t talking into the phone.

“Oh shit the time! I told Liz’s parents that I wouldn’t take you home late,” he exclaimed. He stood up, dusting the dirt off his pants and offering his hand to help me up off the ground. I got up, and we both started running up the hill as fast as we could to the car. We got in and drove off. I looked over at Gerard who was grinning and I smiled at his facial expression. He noticed me looking and we both blushed.

The drive home was quick and quiet. We pulled into the driveway and I was about to get out until Gerard Grabbed my arm.

“Hold on, I got something of yours,” he said. He was digging around in the back of his car and retrieved a folder and a few papers.

“You dropped these the other day. You know, when Vic and-yeah,” he said. I looked to see that the folder was the one that held all the things that I had written from songs to poems, and personal shit. I hadn’t even noticed that it was gone, and my eyes widened as I thought that he might’ve read it. I looked up at him with a nervous look and he started shaking his head.

“Oh no it’s okay, I didn’t look in it I promise! I was going to but I saw that it was private. I swear I didn’t …” he trailed off trying to make me believe him. I smiled and nodded my head, believing him.

“Okay good,” he half sighed, half chuckled. “I left something in there though.”

I looked at him confused and he leaned in closer saying, “You’ll see.”

I smiled and nodded my head again. I wanted to touch him one last time before I left, so I put my arms over his shoulders, and pulled him into a hug. He seemed a little taken aback for a second, but then responded after knowing what I was doing, by tightening the hug. I snuggled my face up a little into his neck, and then brushed my nose in between his ear and his jaw, moving up to his cheek. I felt him shiver and I smiled. He pulled away and looked at me, smiling back, and unexpectedly kissed me on the cheek. After he pulled away, I grinned widely and blushed, touching the spot where his lips touched me. He chuckled at my actions and said his goodbye.

“Thank you so much for this amazing night, I hope we can do it again sometime. Goodnight Frankie.”

I nodded and got out of the car, waving bye to him as he pulled out of the driveway. He called me Frankie…I had never been called that before, and coming from him made my heart swell again for the zillionth time today. I hadn’t stopped grinning since he kissed me and I was now up in my room. Everyone in the house was asleep, so I wasn’t worried about getting home late. I had closed the door and sighed. I walked over to the side of my bed, about to jump in, but I found myself jumping up and down squealing like a little girl. Tonight couldn’t have been more perfect, it was amazing.

I switched off the light then climbed into bed. I closed my eyes, thinking about our date. As I said earlier, I hadn’t been this happy in a long time, and Gerard made me feel that again. I was so looking forward to seeing him tomorrow.