If We Can't Break The Silence, How Can We Survive?

Neither of us tried communicating on the drive to school.

We were content with the radio playing, Gerard singing along while I munched on my poptart.

The smile on my lips hadn’t gone away since Gerard’s comment a couple of minutes ago. I still couldn’t believe that he found me attractive!

It only took four minutes to get to school since I didn’t live far from it. When we got into the parking lot, Gerard rolled down the windows and turned the AC on. I was confused for a second ‘til I saw him pull out a cigarette.

I was kind of surprised that he smoked, I had no idea that he did.

I stared at him as he lit it up and brought the stick to his lips. Inhaling it deeply, and puckering his lips out a bit while he exhaled. I gotta admit, the sight of him smoking turned me on. The way his neck exposed as he tilted his head back was sexy. He didn’t look like any regular person smoking. To me it looked like art. It was something new I discovered and something I already loved.

After his first hit, he looked at me and caught me staring. He chuckled and I immediately averted my eyes to his.

“Want a hit?” He asked me while pointing the cigarette in my direction. I looked at it for a few seconds deciding whether I wanted to or not. I was never really a fan of smoking, but I guess trying it once wouldn’t hurt. Besides, taking a drag off his cigarette would mean that my lips would be around the filter where his lips were a few seconds ago. Just for that reason, I decided to try it.

I reached for the cigarette and had it in my hand for a while, trying to figure out a way to hold it. I settled for holding it like a freaking joint. I must’ve looked retarded doing it.

I brought the cigarette to my lips and inhaled deeply. Shit, bad idea. My eyes bulged open as my face suddenly turned red. I was trying not to cough, which was a bad idea ‘cause I started to choke. I was bouncing up and down in my seat while waving my hands all over the place. Gerard started freaking out and grabbed the cigarette out of my hands, throwing it out the window. He reached over to my side and opened the car door for me. I tried leaning towards the door but something was holding me back. Next thing I knew, Gerard unbuckled my seatbelt. I felt pretty stupid that I had forgotten about that.

I leaned out of the car and started coughing really hard. Gerard was patting my back as I did so.

“Oh my God Frank I’m so fucking sorry! I’m so fuckin’ stupid!”

He apologized profusely the whole time I was fighting for air, calling himself a dumb ass and begging for my forgiveness.

Soon enough I had caught my breath and I was okay again. I laid against the seat taking deep breaths.

I looked over at Gerard and he had a worried expression on his face.

“Are you okay?” He asked. I nodded my head and smiled at him.

“Frank I’m so sorry!” I shook my head mouthing “it’s fine”.

Gerard chuckled and said, “Man I thought you were gonna die for a second. I started to tear up.”

Aww, my heart melted when Gerard said that. It was nice to know I was that important to him.

Gerard rolled up his windows and turned off his car. We got out and he popped the trunk to get his duffle bag out,

I was glad that he hadn’t asked questions about me coughing. I wasn’t even sure if mute people could cough or not, and apparently Gerard didn’t either.

We walked up to the front entrance of the school where the popular clique had hanged out every morning. Gerard and I walked passed them but then Paul had grabbed Gerard by the arm.

“Hey bro, you ready for tonight!” Paul exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Hell yeah man, we’re gonna trample those mother fuckers’ asses !” Gerard replied just the same.

Tonight was the basketball game against our schools biggest rival. It’s the most important game of the season according to the student body and the B-ball team. I had no care of it what so ever. Well, now that Gerard’s a part of my life I guess I do care, a little.

Gerard and Paul were chatting away while I stood here awkwardly. I had no idea what to do. Do I stay or do I just walk away? Does Gerard wanna be seen with me while he’s with his friends? Would I make him look bad? Shit, what the fuck do I do!?

Just then, Vic and Liz walked up the steps.

“Morning baby!” Vic exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around Gerard. I felt a pang of jealousy and hurt hit me as soon as I saw her skin come in contact with his. What a slut. She was all over him and it was disgusting.

After he hugged her back, she was still there clinging on to him like a damn leach. I looked away ‘cause I couldn’t bear the sight. I caught Liz’s glance at me and she had a sorry face on. I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders.

Not one of Gerard’s friends acknowledged me. I don’t even think they noticed that I was there. It hurt me that Gerard didn’t leave them to get back to me or that he didn’t even introduce me. I guess I knew what to do then.

I walked away heading towards my locker.

I got to my locker and grabbed the books I needed for the next few classes.

“Don’t cry Frank, don’t cry.”

I repeatedly murmured this to myself as I felt tears coming their way. I buried my head inside my locker and took deep breaths.

“Don’t cry…”

I suppressed my emotions, closed my locker, then walked towards first period.

Right now I’m sitting in lunch alone, like always. I have been mildly depressed since this morning and I haven’t seen Gerard at all since.

I looked over at the table he normally sits at and he happened to not be there. I started to worry. Where was he?

Well there was nothing I could do.

While I ate my sandwich, I felt someone slam in to the seat next to me.

Startled, I look to see that it was Gerard.

“Hey look what I got! I checked out a few books in the library and got these.” Gerard slid the books in front of me and they happened to be sign language books. I smiled on the inside ‘cause it was very sweet of him, but I wanted him to know that I was mad and upset.

I stared at the books with no expression then turned to stare at Gerard just the same.

His smile faded.

“Listen Frank,” Gerard started to say. I can already see in his eyes that he was genuinely sorry for what he was about to say.

“I didn’t mean to ignore you this morning. I meant to tell Paul I was busy but he just never stopped talking. And then Vic got there and she wouldn’t leave me alone! I tried to get her off but I don’t like being rude…I don’t know how to tell her and even if I did she wouldn’t listen. I’m so sorry Frank. I’ve fucked up more than once today…”

I instantly felt guilty for being mad at him. He looked so sad right now that I just wanted to hold him! But I couldn’t ‘cause we were in public.

I put my hand on his shoulder and I smiled at him, letting him know it was okay.

“You forgive me?”

I nodded, he smiled.

I grabbed the books and looked over them. I smiled to let him know that I appreciated what he was doing.

He smiled and said, “Now I can talk to you properly with out you having to read my lips!”

But I love staring at your lips, I thought.

Lunch was over and Gerard and I walked to the next class we had together.

“If anyone has their projects done, raise up your hands so I can come by and pick them up,” Mrs. Carter announced.

“Shit you know what I just noticed? I never got to do my part in the project,” Gerard said. He went through his binder to look for the project.

He pulled it out and asked, “Do you still wanna fix it or what?”

I shook my head and said it was okay.

“Are you sure?” I nodded my head yes and we turned it in to the teacher.

The rest of the class period, Gerard talked on and on about how excited he was for the game tonight.

As I was putting my things away, Gerard said, “I’d invite you to the game but I know you don’t like those kind of things. I wouldn’t wanna make you feel like you’d have to say yes and then you be uncomfortable and feel awkward while being there. I really wish you’d be there though. Maybe you’d be my lucky charm and we can win tonight.”

I beamed inside and grinned with out him noticing. Luky charm huh? That was sweet.

I figured I'd surprise him and show up at the game tonight