Light Bulb

It happens when it's late at night and you're just about asleep. It happens when you're alone in your car and the radio isn't playing anything good so you turn it off. It happens when someone tells you about how great they've been doing recently. That's when life hits you, and it hits hard. If you're like me, these moments are the only time you think about anything. I wish I knew why that was. If I'm honest, I only really enjoy contemplating science or the stars or things that happened in history. It seems like it'd be more beneficial than thinking about your problems because where does that get you? Depressed and lying in bed, the same place you are now. The thing is though, it never does help. It never helps anything. You never get any closer to understanding where we come from or what we're here for. You just become overwhelmed at the thought of no end. A literal expanse of nothing but balls of gas and dust from other exploded plants and that goes on forever. There is Nothing, forever and it's getting larger every day. You never understand why the Earth keeps spinning, for what reason is it still going on and on and on and on with every rise of the sun. I don't understand it one bit but I still find it more useful to ponder than why is my check fifty cent less than last week? It's useless. Complaining won't change it. I just don't think at all unless I'm lying under the same stars I love so much where I'm forced to realize how vast the universe is and how I'm smaller than a grain of sand on a beach in comparison to the sky. I can admit that in the past, not thinking has gotten me into a heap of trouble and I know I'd be better off if I just took ten minutes a day to think about what's going on around me but I just can't seem to do it. And I say it again, I wish I knew why. I want to know that more than anything in the world. More than I want to know why my ex-boyfriend is such an asshole, or if I'll make it out of high school alive. Thinking could solve a lot of my problems but the fact of the matter is I don't know how. I was taught to make rational decisions based on what I know is right and wrong but somewhere in my brain the lines got blurred and I can't see past a mile down the road after I choose something. I can't think ahead of any decision I make. It scares me to think about what my life is going to be like if I can't learn. I wasn't taught to think past elementary school decisions and I don't' have any guidance in my life right now, so how can I learn? How can I know what decisions to make when I get to college and what I'm even going to do for a career. Where am I going to move? Who am I going to marry. I certainly know what I want at this moment but getting to it is difficult. It's so out of reach and yet I can grasp it. It's driving me fucking nuts. I sometimes think I can make decisions perfectly, it's that I just want to please the people around me and that may be true but I don't know. I just don't know. One day I'll find it out. The light bulb will finally turn on in my head and I'll fall to my knees with all the knowledge I'll ever need right in the palm of my hand.