Stay With Me

She was coloring. It was a simple activity, something any normal two-year old would be doing. She was sitting at the smaller children’s table I set up in our living room, bobbing her head along to the Cinderella DVD that was currently in our DVD player. As I stood in the kitchen and took in the scene before me, in the back of my mind I couldn’t believe that the DVD still worked; that was how many times she had watched it. But it was her favorite, and I wouldn’t deny her that simple pleasure.

None of that was what was bothering me, though. Lux was still in her pajamas, having woken up only a half-hour prior. On her head sat a pink and green owl hat with ear flaps. She wore that hat everywhere. She adored that hat.

And of course, Oliver had given it to her. That was why she loved it. She loved him. And that was what bothered me.

I sipped the coffee from my mug while alternating my glance from the paper in front of me and the pair at the table. He was kneeling beside her while her head continued to bob. She colored happily while he pointed things out on the page she was decorating. I watched as my two year old beamed up at the boy covered in tattoos, the boy she loved as if he were her father, because she didn’t remember her own father.

The smile that slipped onto my face when I heard Lux’s laughter--laughter brought on by Oliver and Oliver alone--was sad. Sad because my daughter would never know her real father. Sad because my daughter, my beautiful and perfect daughter, was getting attached to the boy who would not stay. Sad because I had made a mistake as her mother.

I had fallen for the boy who would not, could not stay, and now I would have to rip this boy out of her life. Poof, just like that.

I tried to push the thoughts away as I watched him stand up from the table, but not before he placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. I felt my heart expand and then crumble all at once. I smiled though as he walked over to me and greeted me with a kiss.

“‘lo, love,” he spoke, his morning voice still apparent as he stole my coffee and took a sip. I watched as he cringed and handed me the mug back. “When are yeh gonna convert ta tea? Or somefhin’ less ‘orrible than tha’?”

I just smirked and took another drink. “Mmm, coffee.”

He smirked too before swiping the paper from in front of me, rolling it up, and smacking me on the butt. “Yeh’re a twit,” he grinned, kissing my cheek before he brushed by me to head to the fridge.

“No orange juice,” I reminded him as I heard the door open and he groaned.

“Wan’ meh ta pick some fhings up later? Tommy’s been whinin’ tha’ we don’ ‘ave anyfhin’ eifher.”

I shook my head. “I’ll go,” I told him with a shrug.

“Momma!”

I looked up at the sound of her voice. She was holding up whatever she had been working on, so I set my coffee down and made my way into the living room. “What’s this Luxie?” I asked her as I kneeled next to her chair. She held up the piece of paper proudly, beaming at me like only a two year old who had just finished their artwork could.

“Us!” she exclaimed, shoving the paper in my face. I inspected it carefully, ooh-ing and aww-ing at the appropriate times. In reality, I felt my heart crumbling even more as I took in the picture she was holding.

On the paper was Oliver, Lux, and myself, each holding hands and smiling. We were stick figures, and messy stick figures at that, but she had done her best. Oliver was a black stick figure with a mess of colorful squiggles all over him to show his tattoos, while Lux was a significantly shorter stick figure with a messy pink and green blob on her head. Then there was me, her mother, on the end, smiling with my blonde hair with pink and blue ends, something I had done in a drunken fit with one of my girlfriends one night only to fall in love with the style.

I wanted to cry, but I held it in. I smiled instead and kissed Lux’s cheek. “Beautiful, baby. Draw me another?” Her enthusiastic nod brightened my spirits slightly and I ruffled her hair before heading back into the kitchen.

“So, yeh wan’ ta come wiff meh today?” Oliver asked when I returned by his side.

My brain filed through everything it possibly could, trying to remember what Oliver was talking about, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember what was going on that day. I gave him a blank stare. “Where again?”

He sighed. “Lookin’ for new offices for Dropdead, remember? Luxie wanted ta come so yeh said yeh would.”

I nodded, suddenly remembering the promise I had made to my two year old only a few days ago. I didn’t want to upset anyone, so I said, “Right, right. Yeah, of course. We can get lunch or something too to keep Lux happy.”

Oliver beamed at me, making my heart hurt. “‘m gonna ‘ead ‘ome and shower and make sure Tommy ‘asn’t burned anyfhin’ down.”

I smiled and nodded and Oli leaned down to kiss me. I accepted and when he pulled back I said, “We can just come over to yours and go from there if you want.”

He agreed and kissed me again, smiling when he pulled back. He headed over to Lux, kissing the top of her head and ruffling her hair, before he headed out. I watched as he walked out, and then I sighed and said to Lux, “Come on baby, let’s go get ready.”

***

“‘s perfect.”

He had been repeating the same phrase ever since we had stepped foot into the old warehouse. Oliver, his brother Tommy, Lux, and myself were present, but I was the only one who clearly did not want to be there. I watched as Lux ran around playfully, being her cute two-year-old self, while Tommy and Oliver inspected the place further. I decided to do something productive and pulled my camera out, snapping a few pictures here and there, both of the whole warehouse (because I knew Oliver would want them later on) and of Lux (because I was a mother with a daughter who was not camera shy.)

Busy focusing my camera on Lux, I didn’t realize Oliver had walked over to her. The squeals that emitted from her mouth were instant indicators though, and as I peered at the two of them through my camera, my stomach clenched.

Oliver was crouched down in front of her with one arm outstretched. “High five!” he said to her when she ran over to him. She did as he told, high-five-ing his hand as hard as her little body would let her. Of course it had to be the hand with his tattoo, and she was fascinated. I put my camera down as she inspected his hand.

“Tattoo!” she exclaimed happily, beaming up at him.

He just grinned at her and nodded. “Tha’s right. Yeh wan’ a tattoo Luxie?” he asked her, and I wanted to kill him. Right in that moment, I hated Oliver. I dropped my camera, the strap around my neck straining while the body of the camera smacked against my stomach.

Tom was standing beside me and he heard my sharp intake of breath. “Wha’s wrong, love?”

I shook my head and stomped over to Oliver and Lux. “Lux, come here,” I said, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. She obeyed and bounded over to me, jumping into my arms when I crouched down to her height. I picked her up and held her on my hip before sending Oliver a glare. “Are we ready to go?” I asked, my voice short. I wasn’t afraid of letting him know how angry I was.

When Oliver and I had first started dating, I had been skeptical of his tattoos. I loved them, of course, but I didn’t want Lux to get any ideas. I knew she was only two, but I was a mother and it was in my job description to worry. So Oliver and I had made a deal that Oliver would never push his tattoos on Lux or ever even bring up the idea that she could get one. She was two years old for God’s sake! I didn’t want to deal with that.

And now here he was, breaking that rule.

I think that was when I made my decision. I was going to talk to Oliver that night. I was done. I had to think of Lux, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

***

Lux was sleeping, and our flat was quiet. It hadn’t been that quiet in days, weeks even, and I was enjoying it. I was also trying to ignore the fact that I knew Oliver would be over soon, and that meant talking to him. After our warehouse visit, he had dropped Lux and I off at home. I hadn’t said more than a goodbye, and I think he knew something was wrong but he didn’t question it. Maybe he was saving it for now, when I knew he was coming over. Who knew? I just knew I was dreading the conversation we were about to have.

I flipped the pages in my magazine without really absorbing any of the information. I wasn’t even sure what magazine it was, I just know I was trying to keep my mind occupied. It was working, for the most part.

Until I heard his key slip into the lock. And the door opening. I set my magazine down on the coffee table and stood up, greeting him at the entryway.

I watched in silence as he slipped his shoes off by the doorway. I crossed my arms tightly in front of my chest and cleared my throat, getting him to look up at me. Maybe my face gave everything away, because almost instantly he sighed. “I fhink we need ta talk,” he mumbled.

I nodded and gestured into the living room.

We both took seats. I didn’t waste any time, because I just wanted to get this over with. “We need to take a break, Oliver.”

I thought he would be expecting that. Every single thing he had done since he walked into my flat suggested he knew what was about to happen. But the way his head snapped over in my direction and the shock on his face... he obviously didn’t know. He had no idea.

“Wha’?” he almost shrieked. “Are yeh fuckin’ wiff meh, Marnie?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m not. We need to take a break, Oliver. I can’t do this right now.”

“Why? Wha’ the fuck ‘appened?”

I felt my eyes cast towards the hallway, in the direction of Lux’s room, and I think Oliver caught it. He must have. “Don’ fuckin’ tell meh ‘s ‘bout Lux!” he spoke, anger in his voice but he kept his tone quiet. For Lux’s sake. My heart panged.

I got up from the couch and started to pace. “Well it is about Lux, Oliver. She’s my daughter, first and foremost. She means the absolute world to me, and I would hurt myself a million times over before I would see her get hurt.”

“Wha’ the fuck are yeh talkin’ ‘bout, Marnie?”

“Lux is so attached to you, she barely even looks in my direction these days!” I blurted out. I wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t. That wasn’t what I meant, and I protested this to Oliver, but he wasn’t having it.

“Yeh’re jealous?” he exclaimed, getting off the couch as well.

I rolled my eyes and stopped, crossing my arms again. “Don’t be fucking naive, Oliver. I’m not jealous, I’m protecting my daughter.”

“From wha’? Am I the big bad wolf now or somfhin’?”

I shrugged. “You might as well be. She practically idolizes you, Oliver. You could do no wrong in her poor little head. But the fact of the matter is, you’re in a touring band, and you make mistakes just like the rest of us. That’s all well and good, but the day you make a mistake that effects my daughter and hurts her is the day I resent you. I don’t want to resent you, Oliver. I just...” I trailed off, unsure of what I wanted to say. “You’re a bad influence, Oliver. I thought I’d be able to get past that, but I can’t, and today with the tattoo...” I shrugged my shoulders, avoiding his harsh gaze.

He scoffed. “This is un-fuckin’-believeable, love. ‘m a ‘bad influence?’” he asked, putting air quotes around bad influence. “Are yeh mental, Marn? ‘cause I fhink yeh’ve lost it. Dunno wha’ planet yeh’re on, but it must not be this one, ‘cause I wouldn’t hurt Lux in a million years. And if yeh fhink ofherwise,” he shook his head, fire still in his eyes. “Well, I dunno if I can do this anymore eifher, then.”

I didn’t have time to respond before Oliver was storming out of the flat. Just like that. Poof, gone.

***

If it had just been me, I would have let the Oliver incident go for a few days. Maybe even a week. I would have let him cool down and then tried to talk to him, explain where I was coming from. I had jumped down his throat all because I was on edge about the whole situation, but he had jumped right back. That’s how Oliver and I were. We were both stubborn, and honestly? Rather sensitive. I knew I just had to cool down and to let him cool down before I attempted anything.

Which would have been fine. My plan would have worked perfectly... if I didn’t have Lux to think about as well. She loved Oliver, and she was used to seeing him all the time. She was used to waking up to him being there, or at the very least seeing him before she went to bed. And suddenly... he was just gone, and her two year old self couldn’t comprehend that.

“Where’s Olober?” she’d ask me when she woke up.

“Is he coming over today?” she’d ask me when I made her lunch.

“Why won’t he come tuck me in?” she asked me at bedtime.

Finally, I had had enough. I promised her that she would see him soon, and then once I tucked her in I promised myself that I’d go talk to him the following day.

So the next day, after calling one of my regular nanny’s to come over to watch Lux for a few hours, I got dressed and headed out. It didn’t take me very long to get to Oliver’s flat, at least not usually. The distance wasn’t much, but because of what awaited me, it felt like it took forever. Finally, I was pulling up in front of the building, parking in the visitor’s lot off to the side before I headed in.

When I got to the front door, I had to hit the buzzer for Oliver’s flat as I had a million times before. I waited, and waited, and waited for someone’s voice to crackle through the speaker.

But no one came.

I sighed and hit the button again, holding it in this time to speak. “Oliver? It’s me, Marnie. I, uh... I need to talk to you. Please?”

I let go and fished my phone out of my pocket, waiting for an answer. But there was nothing. Just emptiness. Looking at my phone, I dialed his number, stepping down the steps, away from the front door. It rang a couple times before finally, finally he answered. “Aye?”

“Hi, Oli,” I said, my voice small. “Uh, are you home?”

I heard him sigh and then it was silent for a few minutes before he spoke. “Yeah, yehr place. ‘m outside.”

I laughed lightly. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

***

I greeted Oliver outside my building. “Hi.”

He gave me a short nod. “Figured we should talk or summat.”

I nodded as well. “We can go inside, but Lux is in there, and she’s going to be all over you the second she sees you. She...” I trailed off, struggling to say the word. I looked away before practically whispering, “She misses you.”

Oli gave me another short nod before gesturing down the sidewalk. “Le’s walk.” I nodded and followed him.

“I’m sorry,” I said finally after we were several building away from mine. “I really am sorry, Oliver. I don’t know what happened.”

He shrugged. “Sound like yeh don’ wan’ meh around yeh daughter, Marn. Dunno if yeh can get any simpler than tha’.”

I shook my head adamently. “That’s not it though, Oli. I mean...” I trailed off struggling to find the words before I finally stopped on the sidewalk, grabbing his arm to stop him as well. “That’s not it,” I insisted. “I know you love Lux. If nothing else, I know you love Lux. But that isn’t the problem, Oliver.”

“Wha’ is then, love? ‘cause I feel like ‘m missin’ somefhin.”

I sighed, defeated. “You love Lux, and she loves you. And that’s the problem. My daughter loves you, Oli! She doesn’t even know her real father, but she has you, and you’re the closest thing she’s had. Do you know how scary that is for me?”

Oliver softened but didn’t back down. “Love, tha’ doesn’t make sense. I know Lux’s real father left and yeh ‘aven’t ‘eard from ‘im. But... do yeh fhink ‘m gonna do tha?”

I shrugged, casting my glance to the ground before I wrapped my arms around myself. “I’m just scared, Oliver. Lux means the absolute world to me. She gets put before everything. And you tour, you know? Shit happens, mistakes are made... you’re only human. You make mistakes. But that one night you forget to call when Lux is counting on you, or that one night where you get trashed and make mistakes that maybe I won’t be able to forgive you for...” I trailed off, shrugging. “I don’t know, Oli. I just don’t know. So I thought I had to break up with you. I made excuses in my head that you were a bad influence and weren’t good for Lux. And then when you were pulling that tattoo crap in the warehouse, it was the last straw. I thought, perfect, now I can break up with him. It was like the perfect excuse.”

Oliver took a step forward and put his hand on my arm, rubbing it lightly. “Marn, I know all of this. I know Lux means the world, and I know tha’ if I fuck up there will be a price ta pay. But ‘ave I given yeh any reasons that might point ta me hurtin’ Lux, or even you?”

I didn’t answer, but that was enough for Oliver.

“If I eva hurt yeh, or hurt Lux, or anfhing like tha’, I give yeh full permission ta kill meh, Marnie. Hire a hit man, take me our yeh’self... wha’eva it takes. But I promise yeh, I will neva intentionally ‘urt yeh or Lux. Especially Lux.”

I was crying now. Not hard, but enough. Oliver pulled me in close, holding me while I soaked his shirt. “People make mistakes though, Oli. Things happen!” I exclaimed, muffled against his chest.

I felt a kiss on the top of my head, and I just about melted. “I know fhings ‘appen, love. But yeh ‘ave ta trust meh tha’ I’ll do all I can ta make sure they don’. And if they do, I’ll fix it. But yeh ‘ave ta trust meh. Yeh ‘ave ta give meh a chance, love. Please.”

Now I was crying. I couldn’t even speak so I just nodded while I sobbed into Oliver’s clothing, him holding me while I did so.

Once I was finished, completely mortified by the amount of gross I had just left on his shirt, I pulled back. “I’m sorry,” I said again, wiping my tears away as I leaned in to kiss him. “I’m so sorry, Oli.”

He returned the kiss, deepening it for only a few minutes before I felt my knees weaken. I pulled away and let him wrap his arm around my shoulder before we both headed inside.

When we got back to my flat, I paid the nanny, thanked her, and then shut the door. Lux was sitting at her table, coloring away, so I stood back and let Oliver go greet her. He walked over to the table and I watched as he kneeled beside her, putting his hand delicately on her back. I watched as she turned towards him and immediately brightened, putting her little arms out to hug him. He picked her up, hugging her close, before he walked towards me with Lux in his arms. I just smiled, kissed them both and realized that this was my happy family--that Oliver wasn’t going anywhere--and that made me happier than anything had in a long time.