Saying Goodbye

The sunshine danced through the opened window in my bedroom, heating up my soft and white sheets. The discomfort of this in my eyes made them open slowly, waking me up from the warm dream I was just realizing what it was. It felt so real, so close...

I unfolded the sheets that covered me, and I put my bare feet into the slippers that were laying on the rug, right next to my bed. I slowly turned my head to the nightstand, where a picture taken a couple of months ago in a wooden portrait, was standing. A girl and a boy were walking together through a desert beach, at the sunrise, where the water was delicately invading their feet...

Flashback

-Keep your eyes closed just one more second -Said the boy behind my back.
-It smells like the ocean -I added, smiling in front of the possibility to be in one of my favorite places on Earth.
-You’re getting closer -He said, with mystery, ending up with a sweet laughter.
-Did I ever told you that the beach is the place I like to be the most at? -I asked him while laughing, walking awkwardly over an indefinite and unstable surface, being guided by his warm hands.
-I remember every single word you say -He never gave me a concrete answer, and I loved that.
-I’m dying of love, Kev -I could barely say because of the excitement his words provoked in me.
I felt his warm and sweet lips lay in my cheek, and I almost felt like I was melting.
A feeling of cold water rushed to my shoes, getting them all wet. The feeling was unmistakable. We were at a remote beach just for us. I screamed with happiness and I automatically opened my eyes, to jump into Kevin’s arms, who was just a couple of steps away from me, splashing my wet shoes in the salty water.
-Marie.. Would you like us to be more than friends? -Whispered to my ear. I closed my eyes again, barely believing what I just had heard. I searched blinded, what I was dreaming of having for myself since the very first time I saw his eyes, like two stars in the middle of the universe, to link our lips in a kiss that would change our lives.

End of the Flashback.

I walked with weakness to the kitchen, where a couple of dirty dishes from the night before were laying in the sink, ready to be washed and used once again. I opened the refrigerator and I got me something to eat. Just two eggs and and a cinnamon roll my mother had the sweet kindness of bringing me. My mom’s cooking was almost as excellent as Denise’s. And almost excellent, because I had never tasted anything similar to her delicious dishes. I put on a floral tablecloth, a plate, the cutlery and a crystal glass. I remembered I left my cellphone charging, and probably it was ready to use. In the middle of the hallway, I looked askance at a CD that was laying on the surface of a table. It was a simple CD, previously empty, and now it contained the song that was constantly playing in my head. The handwriting that was on top of it was cursive, perfect. “We are this”...

Flashback.

-I want you to hear it -He gently told me, giving me a simple CD. I held it for a while, looking at his handwriting expressed in three words that were being buried on my heart until the deepest.
-Would it be stupid to ask if you have a CD player nearby, to listen to it together? -I was trying to keep up with his game of questions and unspecific answers. He took my hands and led me to a shelf where there were a pile of CDs, with a small classic black stereo. He turned it on and pushed the Open button. “Let me” He whispered, taking the CD he specially burned for me, from my hands. He put the CD and automatically, the music stared playing, in a moderate volume. Let’s not say that I’m a professional about musical appreciation, but I could say it was the sweetest and most beautiful melody I’ve ever heard. It had a paused rhythm, playing every single note with all the passion a person could hold. It didn’t have lyrics, it was just music, like a lullaby, a background song for a movie, that gives it the precise element to make a scene, a perfect moment. The song had already ended and I was still shocked, looking at an empty spot and thinking of every single thing that song made me remember.
-Music -He added. He just looked at me, every inch of my face, with his eyes whose color I couldn’t still figure out, scanning me like X rays. That made my blood accumulate in my cheeks, turning them red. I felt exactly like butter being melted by the fire, burning up his eyes, radiating warmth. -That’s what we are-.

End of the Flashback.

I blinked quickly, and I closed my eyes with strength, to catch the tears that were about to come out of my eyes. I got to the bedroom and disconnected the charger. I took my cellphone with both hands, and these slipped to the Contacts button, where I pressed the K key. There it was, his name, the one that had made me feel the so-called butterflies in the stomach, even though I thought it was more like a stampede in the stomach, and the speedup of my heart rate. The feeling flooded me inside, like it happened last month. I picked up the gadget and put it in my ear, where I held it for a couple of seconds, as I remembered the hours we spent talking to each other through it, always stupid things, but both of us felt like we were right next to each other. I put the cellphone away from me, and my thoughts away of my mind, focusing on the breakfast I left behind. I walked back to the kitchen, where the food was waiting, still hot. I ate it in silence, thinking. I knew I’d waste my time trying.

I remembered when we kissed. I could feel his warm lips in mine, frozen, passing on the heat. I could still feel them. I remembered all the times we laughed dancing at a song without music. We were enough music to hold such a perfect dance. I remembered every detail, every smile, every flower, every gaze he gave me. I started to shed the tears that threatened to come out even before waking up. I remembered exactly the things I didn’t wanna remember. The only thing I wanted to forget...

Flashback.

I didn’t know what was going on. I’d never seen him shed a tear. And that worried me to certain point that I started crying too. He looked up to my face, and stared at me. The tears were coming out of his eyes, uncontrollably, and I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t wanna see him suffer. I hugged him as hard as I could, but I was still weak in comparison to him, even though I still tried. He relaxed his muscles and let my shoulder soak up his tears. In a small whisper, his voice broke into a cry, as he told me “I’m sorry, Marie”. And it was then, when I understood everything. He had to leave. He had to leave me behind. I couldn’t take it. I took his face with my both small white hands, and shaking because of the pain.
-Tell me it’s not true -I begged him, sobbing.
-I don’t wanna lie to you -He added with a hopeless sigh.
-I will forgive you every time it is necessary -I told him, trying to control my pain.
-Then forgive me for this -He was hiding between my dark brown hair.
-I love you, Kevin -I whispered to his ear, now giving up on trying to stop crying.
-Bye, Marie -He kissed my cheek, softly, like the first time. He raised up his heavy legs, and walked through my bedroom door, leaving his heart with me.

End of the Flashback.

I was drowning on my own tears. I can’t remember how long it was since I laid down on the kitchen’s floor, remembering and crying because of who I loved, love, and will always love. A melody took me out of my thoughts, or soaked me in them, rang far away. I wanted to think it was a mistake, that I was delirious. It just couldn’t ring in the middle of that crisis, that melody was my imagination, and that ringtone wasn’t the one I was used to hear every time I wanted to talk to him. However, the sound kept ringing, then it stopped, and it started ringing again. Almost with annoyance, convinced that if I got there, where my cellphone was, and it wasn’t but a hallucination, I was gonna end up dead of sadness. I got up from where I was laying and I walked like a zombie or a ghost to the place I had left the gadget.

I scrubbed my eyes a couple of times, still caught up in my thoughts, not believing what my eyes were seeing. I cleared my throat and pressed the green key of my cell.

-Marie? -It was his voice, the same sweet voice I’d been missing, but with a note of sadness, of loneliness.
-K-Kevin? I stuttered. I couldn’t hide my surprise, it seemed like I had asked him telepathically to call me.
-Marie, it’s Kevin. I.. We need to talk -I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t stop being in shock.
-I am listening -Was the only coherent thing I could say.
-I’m just gonna say it, OK? I can’t stop remembering you. Each one of our kisses, like the first one, I still feel them on my lips, I feel your cold lips looking for mine desperately. The time that you danced with me with no music playing. I remember the simple things, every detail, every smile, every gesture, your eyes, your lips, your hair, everything. I remember 'till I cry. I miss you and I feel like I’m dying if I don’t have your arms around me... Marie, are you listening? -
I didn’t know how to react. I was completely in shock. It was just too much information for my brain to process, and all together at the same time. It was hard for me to take.
-Y-yeah. But.. Kevin.. You.. You said goodbye, remember? -
-I know exactly what I said, Marie. If you love me, and I know you do, I wish you could forget I once said goodbye. I want you to forget me saying goodbye -
The one thing he wished I’d forget. The one thing I wish I’d forget.
-I love you, Marie -He added. And I guess that was the one thing that pushed me to keep crying. I remember that one thing really bothered me, because he didn’t say he loved me when I needed it the most, when he was leaving. -I love you more than you can ever imagine, Marie, and I’m sorry I’ve been absent this whole time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this because I was afraid this would happen, and because I didn’t want to hurt you more than I know you already are. Don’t cry anymore, please. You know I don’t like to see you crying -
-B-but, you’re n-not seeing m-me -I cried harder, I don’t know if either of joy or sadness.
-I don’t like seeing you like that, Marie. Smile and look up to the window -He told me with his sweet voice, feeling it so close to me. The window? What did the window had to do with all of this? I sadly smiled, obeying him and rising my sight to the window I had in front of me.

And right in front of me, sitting in the border of the window, with a beautiful white rose in his right hand, and his left hand holding his cellphone against his ear, there he was. With the brightest smile I’ve ever seen, even though I could see the trace of his tears. I dropped my cellphone and I let it hit the floor, as I ran to open the window, to finally meet the lips I had been missing so badly, and the ones that welcomed me with the same emotion and desperation, held for so long, like it was the first time.