Dark Blue

Valentine

My heart raced as the muffled ding rang in my ears after I pressed the doorbell. I could hear footsteps quickly approaching from the other side of the door, and I swallowed back my fear and put a smile on. The door swung open, revealing Mrs. Nickelsen. The words and speech I had carefully planned out and meant to say all fled from my brain, jumping off of my tongue and retreating into my throat.

Her lips formed a perfect 'o' as she watched me wordlessly. There was more gray streaking her hair than the last time I had seen her months ago, and there were more wrinkles embedded in the delicate skin by her eyes, which didn't shine like they used to. Her blue eyes, so much like Garrett and Sage's, no longer held the sparkle they had before the whole ordeal. Guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. Slowly, I cleared my throat and opened and closed my mouth a few times before saying anything.

"Hi, Mrs. Nickelsen," I said lamely, shifting my weight on my feet. Her face softened, and before I knew it, she engulfed me in a hug.

"Oh, Val! It's so nice to see you, honey," she cried, her voice sounding happy, but choking with sadness at the same time. I wrapped my arms around her, tears filling my own eyes.

"It's nice to see you, too," I said genuinely. "It's been way too long, and I'm really sorry about that."

My voice cracked, and she held me at arms length, inspecting my watering eyes carefully. Her eyes were glossing over as well, but she still managed a small smile. I returned it, reaching up with my good hand to wipe at my eyes. My other was thankfully out of that horrid cast, but the doctor said I would need a brace for a few more weeks.

"Don't worry about it. I'm just thrilled you're standing here," she said seriously, and I nodded, not knowing just what to say.

"I'm sorry about everything," I blurted out, searching her eyes, my heart and soul pouring out in front of me.

"Oh sweetie, none of it's your fault," she said, managing a tight-lipped smile. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"But-"

"No buts. Why don't you come inside and stay for dinner? Trey's stopping by, and I'm sure my husband would be thrilled to see you once he gets back from work."

I watched her for a few more moments before nodding slowly. "That sounds great."

"Good," she said, clapping her hands together excitedly. I have to start getting the food ready, but make yourself at home. I mean, you know where everything is."

"Thank you," I said, grinning slightly at her enthusiasm.

She made her way to the kitchen, and I took a moment to take everything in. The house looked exactly like I remembered it. I walked through the living room, but I couldn't bring myself to just sit there and watch TV idly, as if this wasn't my dead best friend's house.

Dead.

I shuddered at the word, the tears coming to my eyes as I made my way up the stairs without a single thought about it. My hand trailed against the banister, my eyes barely seeing the old school pictures of Garrett, Sage, and Trey trailing up the wall. My vision was blurred by the time I turned the doorknob to the most familiar room in this house.

Dust swirled in the air as I gently pushed the door open, as if no one had entered since the accident. Even with my eyes watering over, I could tell it was exactly the same as the last time I was in there, the night of the accident. My heart was ringing in my ears as teardrops the size of skittles rolled down my cheeks. I could still see her sitting on the edge of her bed cross-legged, her head thrown back in laughter.

My fingers grazed the dusty surface of her desk, and my eyes wandered over the endless pictures tacked up around her room. There were ones of her family, ones of her and Jax, and multiple of her and me. There we were at prom, homecomings, birthday parties, everywhere. I couldn't bear to look at them very long; it only reminded me that we would never have moments like that again. There would never be pictures of us in our dorms, or at her wedding, or of the children she always talked about having someday.

Her laptop caught my attention. It was still open, and the black screen was covered in a layer of dust. We never closed it after checking the movie times that night. My finger grazed over the power button, and I hesitated for a moment. It felt wrong almost, to be going through her things. Sure, I had used her laptop millions of times before, but that was different. I didn't have her permission this time.

She wasn't here to give it to me.

I pressed the button down gently, and the humming of the computer filled my ears. The screen slowly came to life, and I sat down in her gray, rolling desk chair. Finally, her screensaver popped up, and a mixture of a laugh and a sob escaped my lips. It was a picture of both of us from her birthday; there was cake smeared across her face, and ice cream dripping from my hair. Her lips were stretched into a wide, signature Sage smile, and her eyes were squinted, but absolutely sparkling. I barely recognized myself though; my face bore none of the scars the accident left me with, and I was smiling like I didn't have a care in the world.

I brought my hand to my face as the feelings overwhelmed me. My other hand found the mouse and typed in her password easily. She had never been one for complicated, and after forgetting her password millions of times, she gave up and made it her birthday, like all of the security rules told you not to do. But that was just Sage.

I didn't know what I was looking for when I opened her picture folder. Maybe I wanted to torture myself with more of how things were, or maybe I wanted to memorize every last detail of her face, since it already felt like I was forgetting. Picture after picture passed before my eyes, until suddenly, in the second folder, I found something else.

I clicked on it, apprehension filling my veins. I felt like I was intruding, but as soon as her face appeared on the screen, I forgot everything. It was a video, I could tell right away as she moved the camera shakily in an attempt to center it. Her tongue was stuck out in concentration, and pieces of her copper hair were falling from her ponytail and into her eyes. Finally, she beamed happily and took a deep breath.

"Okay. June seventh, two-thousand twelve," she said, and my heart fluttered in my chest.

June. Two months before she died.

"I know this is totally cliche and all that, but with college and everything changing, I just wanted to capture this moment, this last summer, before things inevitably change forever," she explained, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Her voice was echoing in my head, and it still sounded like she was right next to me. She had no idea how right she was in that video, talking about change. My heart was breaking just thinking about it. She was so full of potential and hope. She had a future, and then within moments, she was gone.

"I've never really done anything like this, so I'm just gonna go with it," she laughed, and the sound tugged at my heartstrings. "At this moment, I'm eighteen. Can you believe it? 'Cause I still can't. I graduated last week, and man, it was insane. My best friend Valentine gave a beautiful speech; she was valedictorian, which she totally deserved because she's so incredibly brilliant.

"My parents cried, even though Dad swears he didn't, and Trey and Garrett screamed louder than any other family there, I swear. It was embarrassing as all else, but my god, I loved it. I love them. It was surreal, and I didn't trip walking to get my diploma, which is always a plus. Val and I cried like babies, but I doubt I'll ever forget that...

"Since I'm talking about her, there's so much I can say about Valentine Maria Jackson. Like she hates it when you call her Valentine! Or that she's terrified of squirrels. But seriously, that girl is so smart. Like she could go to freaking Harvard or something, but she's going to ASU because it's where I'm going, and ever since we were kids, we said we were going to school together, and I'm far too dumb to go Ivy League. But not her.

"She's also a great friend. Like, she'd give the shirt off of her back if you needed it. And if we were stranded in the desert, she'd give up the last sip of water to save someone else. She's insanely sarcastic, and a bit awkward sometimes, and sometimes we get into it, but we make up after two seconds because god, I would not make it ten minutes without her."

There was no controlling the sobs making their way through my frail body. I couldn't tear my eyes away though, as she picked up the camera and it began to move shakily about again. The view went from Sage to the pictures on her wall, specifically one of us at graduation, our faces pressed together, the tassels from our caps falling into our faces.

"This is Valie. On top of being funny, smart, and talented, she's also beautiful. So unfair, right? But she's way too nice to hate, which is unfortunate for all of those jealous girls everywhere."

The camera shifted back to her face, and she was still smiling. My fingers grazed against the screen, aching to wrap her into a hug. I knew it was impossible though. I heard a noise behind me, but I couldn't bring myself to tear my eyes from the screen.

"Speaking of important people in my life, I have to talk about my family. My mom and dad are my heroes and I wouldn't be the person I am without them. I hope that someday I can be like just half of the person that they are. They taught me everything I know, and even though I'm so scared to leave in the fall, I know I'll be okay, because that's how they raised me.

"They have always supported me in whatever I do, even when I was wrong or impossible or insane. And I love them to pieces for it. Wanna know a secret? I only hope Jax and I can be as happy as them. They're one of those sickeningly adorable couples, and god, I love it. They give me hope in the world."

"What is this?"

I jumped half of a foot, looking behind me to see Mrs. Nickelsen, tears running down her face. I swallowed as Sage continued to talk in the background, now about Trey and Gare. Her eyes were still fixed on the screen, and I tried to regather my wits.

"I think it's a video diary. I- I was going through her pictures, and I found it," I explained feebly. She didn't say anything for awhile, just held her hand over her mouth as she watched Sage ramble on and on. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"No," she cut me off, shaking her head a bit. "No, don't be."

"So basically," Sage said, her eyes glinting mischievously as she giggled. "My family is one big nuthouse. And I wouldn't have them any other way. As you can tell from this picture... We're happy. I love them, even though in this picture, my brothers are clearly aiming to throw me into a pool. They didn't though! I bit Garrett, and they dropped me instead."

Mrs. Nickelsen laughed, and the sound was bittersweet. "God, I haven't heard my daughter's laugh since August."

"I know. I was starting to forget what it sounded like," I murmured. She sat down on Sage's bed, still watching the screen.

"None of us have really been in here since... everything. It all still looks exactly like she were still here."

"It felt like summer, walking in here."

"I was looking for you, and I heard Sage's voice. For a few minutes, it was like she was still here, and you two were having one of your gossip sessions, all holed up in her room. It was like I had her back for a few minutes."

"I miss her," I admitted, my voice cracking as the video came to a close and her screen went black.

"Me too," she echoed. "More than anything."

"I'm sorry I've been away for so long," I apologized, for the hundredth time in the past few hours. "It's just, all this time, I thought it should have been me instead of her, or maybe if I had done something differently, she could still be here. All I am is a walking reminder she's gone to everyone in this town, and I didn't want to be that for you."

"Oh, sweetheart," she cooed, her face twisting into hurt. "You are anything but that. Yeah, I mean, of course you make us think of Sage. But you help us remember the good about her. You're like another daughter to me, and nothing can change that. There's so much of Sage I see in you, and it makes me thankful that that night didn't take both of you from us."

My eyes welled over and I wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back like I wasn't broken, and in that moment, it was like having a little piece of Sage back. Garrett was right; coming back here was something I needed to do. It made me feel just a little bit less broken inside.